I have two different
thoughts on this. First of all, I am not shocked by this image for its
boldness, nor its concept. But what struck me at my very core was this little
boy. I understand that sometimes we must go to extreme lengths to get our point
out there. What bothered me is that this little boy did not get a say in this
photo. This photo is on the cover of Time Magazine, for goodness sake. I wonder
if, while considering her child’s “emotional” needs, the mother stopped to
think what this photo might bring to him in the future, near and far in the way
of teasing and cruelty by other children. Maybe she did. I would have no way of
knowing that. If she did think of how this would make his life play out, she
obviously made her peace with it. My boy is almost 22 and like Barb with her
girls, I do not say word one about him on this blog or publicly in any way
without his permission. This little boy is too young to understand what any of
this means. He stands on a stool, looking awkwardly out to camera, probably
wondering why his safe nurturing act is being exposed this way. Why is this
person taking a picture of me with my Mom?
He may not know the exact nature of what is happening, but I wonder if
it feels odd to him, feels wrong to him. I hope not, for the little guy’s sake.
I guess I just wonder why a mother who spends her life breastfeeding on demand,
slinging her child, and never letting him sleep alone, would in this moment
leave him out there, so alone. Because in the possible backlash of this, he
will be alone.
My second thought about
this theory or childrearing (a theory that is not new, by the way) is the all-encompassing
of it from the mother’s point of view. I have no issue with any of these
practices in concept. I think it is each parent’s right to choose what she or
he does regards their childrearing and good luck to each of us. The one thing I
have learned from bringing up my own child is that I made many great choices
and many mistakes. We all do. So I am not judging anyone’s way of weaning or
feeding or sleep practices. I certainly have my own preferences, but they are
mine and that of my husband. Our child, our business. I do take issue however
when woman are made to feel incomplete by not being able to tick off every box
of the how-to’s of parenthood.
What I also find alarming
and shocking is this concept of giving yourself completely to your child, constantly
‘round the clock, every second of your day, negating your needs in the
process. For us, our bed was a place of
fun and visits and scary dreams and bedtime romps and that’s all. I not only
felt that I was giving the gift of self comforting and self love to the boy by
having him sleep alone, but I was giving me and my relationship due weight. I
would have hated to lose that in our rearing of the boy. And believe me, I have
seen it happen. I decided to talk to the boy about this before I wrote down
what I perceived to be his take on things. What I got from him was that he grew
up with not only a healthy sense of who he is, but a healthy sense of who I am,
as a person, a woman and a wife. He drew on my separate life as he was growing
up. Whenever he asked to sleep with me or us for any reason, he was welcome and
it was wonderful. But he understood that my time was valuable. He knew that I
had not sacrificed every single thing for him. He knew that I was both Mom and
Deb, at least as much as a little boy can grasp that. He has grown up
respecting me for that. And in the end, I think he grew up knowing that a woman
can achieve her goals, be it career or motherhood, or in my case both. He
understood the give and take of a woman’s life—giving birth and taking a little
of yourself back.
Why do people feel that
the woman who gives up herself completely for her child is giving the greater
gift?
Barbara: A fascinating
question, Deb. Timely too, in that I am answering it on Mother’s Day. Of
course, being a mom with children who are now grown isn’t the same as being in
the thick of it when they are young and impressionable and they feel like such
utterly vulnerable beings to your every mistake or misstep. It’s way way easier
for me to comfortably address motherhood from this side of the process than it
might have been when I too was young, impressionable and vulnerable.
I saw this article too
(or rather, my national paper’s reiteration of it). Like you, I wasn’t shocked
or horrified that a mother had chosen to do this. But I was mesmerized by that
photo (as I’m sure Time hoped I would be), transfixed by the boldness of it.
Frankly, I never even thought of the repercussions to the boy. But since you
bring it up, I can’t help but wonder the same thing. Will he be “punished” for
this choice somehow at some later date? I’m not so comfortable with using
children to make a point in the media, no matter how important it seems. I also
don’t have anything against the mother committing to this level of nurturing,
although it wouldn’t have been my choice. I happily breastfed, just not past
the age they could drink from cups. I felt then, and still do, that—as you so
eloquently said, Deb—my time and my life and my relationship needed some
nurturing too. And that I could do both with some success.
Happy (belated) Mother’s
Day to all the amazing variety of mothers and nurturing souls out there!
