Recurring Nightmare Before Christmas

Deb: I know that the most boring thing in the world is when people talk about their dreams. I hope we agree that I have acknowledged that and we can all move past our prejudices on that subject.

I have the same dream every year of my adult life in the months of November and December, and I had my first of the year last night. I dream that it is Christmas Eve day. We are just leaving our annual club sandwich and martini brunch with our friends and suddenly I realize that I have not shopped for anyone. I look at Colin in horror, heart pounding, and exclaim through tears that I have forgotten to shop. I explain to him that he will be getting nothing, my parents will be getting nothing, Luke will be getting nothing, and I am shaking with regret and panic.

In last night’s episode, Colin stayed calm (what else is new?) and he suggested splitting the list in half and hitting the mall until we were done. As dreams are wont to do, suddenly it is—not 2pm when our five-minute exchange began—but the more ever-pressing 5pm. That leaves us with an hour to do all we need to do, including filling stockings! My husband tells me in stoic tones that he doesn’t need anything and that I should not bother about his gifts, but of course that is out of the question. Even the dream question. The dream ends as I am riding up the elevator, pea green with envy at the purchase laden shoppers around me.  The weird thing about this recurring nightmare before Christmas is that I always wake up feeling energized physically and spent emotionally.

It is fascinating to me that I have these dreams every year. I am always prepared for the holidays and I generally start early. At breakfast this morning, I started to examine this yearly r.e.m. ritual for its meaning. Never fear, I will not bore you with my back and forthings, just my conclusions. And for the record they are inconclusive, these conclusions. So I guess they are not conclusions at all. Let’s just call them possibles.

Here is my possible. My Mom did not have money growing up. They were, as I have said before, the happy recipients of The Toronto Star Santa Fund, which delivered a package of Christmas in a box to each child in her family every year. Although extremely grateful for their generosity and the city’s generosity in donating to the fund, I know she was determined to change it up for her children. As a result, Christmas was the magical store window Christmas for us. My Mom did it up, let me tell you. And she fretted and plotted and ran around town like a lunatic to get everything she could afford, to place us in a postcard Christmas morning. Without even trying, she has instilled this in me. And although I have come strides in my life regards obsessing around the perfect Christmas, my subconscious is clearly festooned with boxes and bows and panic!

Shopped my Misstletush off today. Yes I did.

Although I do like kind of panicky there, don't I?  And P.S. Cutest skirt ever. It was felt, lined with silk. The doors of the circus carts would open to reveal different lovely animals.
LOVED THAT SKIRT!

Barbara: First off, I have to say that I actually have NOTHING against people describing their dreams. Instead, I find it quite fascinating. It’s so up my alley in terms of conjecture and psychology and fantasy and unlimited possibility. That said, I will acknowledge that I may be in the minority!

As for your dream—knowing how brilliant you are at the whole Christmas thing, how prepared and thorough you are, it amazed me that this would be an Achilles heel of yours. But, of course, don’t we all have issues around those things that mean (for whatever reason) the most to us?

Me? It’s the classic “actor’s nightmare” where I’m performing and can’t remember any of the lines. The truth of that nightmare is that it actually feels like it could be a possibility! I so feel like I would struggle with lines if I were to do a play again. With you, it just doesn’t seem possible that you would ever EVER forget to shop for Christmas. Anyway, I know that’s not the point of our dreams. I know there is deep voodoo magic embroiled inside them. What I wonder is: is there any way we can stop the cycle???

But, more importantly, congrats on already chipping away at the Christmas list, Deb!

The Sanity Clause

Deb: I knew if I was going to retain my sanity this holiday season, I would have to employ the Sanity Clause. Specifically, I employed the Sanity Clause regards my holiday prep and decorating.

Now, Colin and I usually have a friendly rule about Christmas tunes and tinsel. Given that his birthday is November 30th, we made a pact to start Christmas on the 1st of December. And not until said date, would we make with the trimmings and the ringings and the donnings.

This year however, I knew that I would not have a decorating day as in years past. There would be no circling the 1st or 3rd or even the 10th and claiming it as day to decorate, day of decor, deck the halls day.

I decided, with my husband’s blessing (have I waxed poetic about this man lately?), to festoon our home one surface at a time, one day at a time. I did the mantle for an hour on a Monday, the table for a half hour on a Tuesday, the stairs garland for twenty minutes on Wednesday ... you get the picture.

And now, as I write this, our home is done. It’s early, yes, even too early for me. But it sure is lovely. And it’s so nice to come home after a long day with nary a twinkle in your eye, to find your entire home twinkling for you.

I have also been signing ten or twenty Christmas cards a night so that I will not find myself two weeks from now screeching, “The CARDS, I’ve got to do the CARDS!”

So here I am, as a result of the Sanity Clause, able to focus on Mom’s transition home instead of fretting about surfaces un-festooned.

Usually I am 80% finished with my Christmas shopping by now, but this year I am 2% done. However, the beauty is that when December hits, I will leave my perfectly decorated home each day and hit the stores. And I will employ the Sanity Clause once more by doing my shopping just one hour a day. This will grant me the grace and patience with my parents I might otherwise be lacking, if I was feeling overwhelmed. It will also give me the gift of enjoying the hell out of buying the gifts. Or as it’s known in Section Four, Article Two of the Clause: Gift Squared.

And when Christmas parties start to lift their lively toasts, my glass will be raised among the reveling throngs and I will be thinking, “I’m having fun. I’m feeling festive. Peace on Deb”.

Yep, that’s what I am giving myself this Christmas. Peace. And the best part? It’s free.

To borrow from The Trouble with Angels’ Mary Clancy, the Sanity Claus has been “my most scathingly brilliant idea ever!”

Barbara: Let it be said here that Deb has Christmas times 10 compared to me. She has literally 10 times the family (and probably friends!), and 10 times the familial obligations, buying gifts on behalf of many members of her family as well as her own. I’m telling you this because I want you to know just how much work she faces each holiday season. Enough to stress the catatonic. And yet, she welcomes and celebrates the festivities better than any little elf I know.

I, on the other hand, have noticed how much less stressed I am this year thanks to 2 rather significant reasons: 1) my kids are big (and home) enough to help, and 2) with age comes experience. I have nailed the holiday season down to a ritual I can almost—not quite, but almost—do with my eyes closed. That said, I also think Deb’s idea is genius: one detail at a time, steady as she goes!  

I AM NOT A THIEF!!

Deb: I am not a thief and I won’t be treated as one. There is a new “solution” that some

retailers have embraced to stop theft in their stores. The store Over the Rainbow in Toronto takes your bags and puts them behind the counter until you are done shopping, causing you to have to wait in line until a salesperson is free so they can return your packages when you want to leave. This is particularly annoying if you’ve only been looking and have no purchase to wait in line for. I have hated it since the day they started it. It reeks of unfair and insulting.

I am not a thief and will NOT pay the price for those who are.

The chain store Aritzia has gone one step farther in their witch-hunt. They take your purse and lock it in a drawer. THEY TAKE YOUR PURSE AND LOCK IT IN A DRAWER.

First time they did this I was flabbergasted, but like a good polite little Canadian I took it on the chin and surrendered my purse. SURRENDERED MY PURSE even though I AM NOT A THIEF. A friend said to me recently that after being asked to surrender her purse she said, “Well, how do I know I can trust the employees with my purse? How do I know you are not going to steal from me?” Well, the young girl looked at her like she had been struck and said defiantly, “I don’t steal”, and my friend said, “Well, neither do I, and I will NEVER set foot in here again.”

The other week I had to go in there and get a gift certificate for my niece for Christmas. All I wanted was to go straight to the cash and receive said certificate, but I was informed that to do so, I would have to first SURRENDER MY PURSE. To which I replied that I would need my FUCKING PURSE to make said purchase. She got the manager who didn’t even have the decency to be red-faced about it. She said that taking my purse was a precaution in case I wanted to “look around”. I said that I did not and that I would never “look around” in this store again. I purchased my gift card, shaking and fuming and marched out, never to darken their doorstep again.

I understand that stores are having theft issues, but that is NOT my problem. I may have mentioned this before but I AM NOT A THEIF! Hire security, put those wiry ropes on merchandise or ask your staff to watch for theft instead of chitchatting.  YOU DO THE WORK. IT’S YOUR FUCKING STORE!

And one more thing ... get your hands off my purse!

P.S. I am now officially boycotting any and all stores that do this and I am taking my letter to the papers, minus the “fucks”. This has gone too far. We are far to accepting of these insults. I am mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore. Hmmmmmm–catchy phrase!

Barbara: Wow. I’m glad I never went into these stores this mad season. That is abominable! And shocking. And just plain wrong. I will join your boycott.

PS on a happier note: my younger daughter woke me up at 2:45am last night so we could go out on the front step and watch the lunar eclipse together. It was magical. The sky was completely clear with crisp points of starlight, and in the centre, the big, high moon, blushing red from solar shadow. First full-moon lunar eclipse on a Winter Solstice in over 300 years!!

We sat and stared for 10 minutes before we got too cold (and tired) and went back inside. There’s the goodness of this beautiful world. And no one tried to steal anything from us.

Parting Of The Seas

Barbara: This is a phenomenon I notice all year long, but I notice it particularly at holiday time

(is “phenomenon” the right word?) and I couldn’t resist asking if you’ve ever noticed it yourselves.

First, let me set my phenomenon-question up: I have this thing I do whereby I “ask” for a parking space if I need one and it never fails: a parking spot appears where and when I most need it (I remember discussing this phenomenon on one of your blogs recently, but dang it if I can remember which one). Anyway, I’ve become rather “famous” in my little circle for my Parking Fairy miracles. Don’t ask me who I think I’m asking. It’s not God. If I believed in a super-deity, I would NEVER waste his/her time on my parking dilemmas. But whoever/whatever it is, it/they are kind and benevolent enough to grant my parking wishes. (Okay, I totally remember comparing parking fairy stories with Hollye, am I right?—and her question, which is another of my own, is why don’t I feel entitled to ask the Publishing Fairy or the Casting Fairy or the Producing Fairy for their help. Anyway, I digress…)

So, this Parking Fairy goes around sprinkling her fairy dust and I believe with all my heart that she/he manifests some kind of universal control. Which brings me to my actual question:

When you’re out and about, rushing to and fro, trying to get chores done, trying to get home on time, knowing there are a million things at home that also need tending, have you ever noticed that sometimes the seas of cars or people around you either part to make your journey easier, or they merge in your path to make you stop, hesitate, and wait? I notice this happening all the time and it kinda freaks me out.

Let’s say I’m grocery shopping. I’m wheeling my cart down and around aisles like a possessed amasser-of-goods, and everywhere I turn, someone appears out of NOWHERE wheeling their own cart which they stop RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME so they can examine the plethora of cereal boxes with fixed and determined concentration while their cart blocks the ENTIRE AISLE and I have to “excuse me”, “uh-hmm”, and “do you mind” for a seeming shopping-hell eternity before they realize I am fumbling madly, which causes them in turn to (absolutely mortified and apologetic) finally scoot themselves and their cart out of the way. And this happens not just the one time that day, but literally every aisle I need to navigate.

Or conversely, I am in the same grocery-shopping-mode, but the opposite happens: every person around me elegantly and magically moves out of the way. Like we are part of some elaborate, synchronized shopping choreography. Every item that I want and need is in stock and, on my drive home, every light turns green as I approach.

Both scenarios require effort and work on my part, but some days are satisfying, effortless-effort and some are maddening, frustrating, slow-me-down challenges. And just as I noticed this phenomenon, I began to wonder if those “frustrating” days aren’t somehow a good reminder that I might need to slow things down a bit and welcome the hesitations and waiting. When you think about, there’s nothing essentially wrong with “slowing down”, is there? Especially in these crazy times.

So what do you think? Grand scheme or random luck?

(And what if this same question was applied to life in general? Sometimes every light turns green and things roll along smoothly, and sometimes, seemingly apropos of nothing, everything blocks your way and nothing happens the way you want or need it to. So when your way is blocked, are you being guided to slow down, take a breath, and reassess?)

Deb: When I was a “younger” girl, my Dad and I would be driving from, say, downtown and he would announce that we were going to make every single light. And I would marvel. How I would howl with laughter when my Dad would start to slow the car down to a snail’s pace from a mile away if he saw that the light ahead was red and even if we were going one millionth of a mile an hour he would not actually have to stop. I thought of how difficult that would be today and how people would be all over our asses honking and cursing. I have to honestly say that I have not thought of that in 35 years, Barb, and your story prompted the memory, so thanks.

Me, I think I have mentioned before that I have great shopping karma. It always works out for me. Parking lot karma has not been granted. I am out there with the rest of the slobs taking my chances. Sometimes I get the best spot and sometimes I drive in circles, desperate and searching.

And if I am frantic and hurried, do I slow down and take a breath and let fate have its way with me? You bet I don’t. I use every dirty word strung together in the most imaginable way. Get’s me through it, yes it does.