The Forest … Or The Trees?

Barbara: I was chatting with a friend the other day—she’s one of those wellsprings of knowledge, highly intelligent, astute, straight-shooting, the kind of person I wish I could have on speed-dial for succinct answers to my ever-wondering questions. I mentioned to her that I was taking a creative writing class that was dedicated to developing our novels as a whole before we started writing the nuts and bolts, so we could have “a blueprint” first. I explained to her that I had, in fact, already written the novel, but needed an overview in order to do my next re-write. I had found that I’d come too close to my work and couldn’t see the forest for the trees.

My friend pointed out that this was common for women. Now let me stress that my friend is not the least bit sexist nor is she a random generalizer: but she had an interesting point (and she made it far more succinctly and elegantly than I will here, so bear with me!). If we look back to our tribal beginnings, men had to hone their broad awareness instincts—they had to see the whole of the forest (or plain, or savannah, or what-have-you) because that killer could come at him from any direction. He had to possess a fundamental and pervasive knowing of what was around him at all times. If not, he risked his own life and the lives and wellbeing of his tribe.

But our ancestral women-folk were back at the village, gathering. They needed to have a finely-tuned awareness of every seed, berry, fruit, and nut, in short, every vegetation food source that was hiding (but probably not about to kill her) in the thick foliage of those trees, bushes, and grasses. She had to observe details with precision and accuracy in order to feed her family a—let’s face it—balanced diet and so keep them alive.

And these two primitive conditioners are engrained into our DNA because for tens of thousands of years, they worked! We survived and developed and evolved into the fascinating and complex creatures you see before you now.

Of course, I believe that many of us have developed past this divider between the sexes (yes, there are women who have broad vision and men who are great with details). I also believe that we’re able to develop our awareness outside the primitive boxes we may naturally incline towards. But I really appreciated this a-ha moment of seeing this particular forest for its trees.

And not only was it an interesting eye-opener, or light-shiner, but, as these kinds of epiphanies often do, it suddenly empowered me. If I know my weakness—and, even better, if I can blame my weakness on genetics!—I can consciously work to improve it.

Yeah, sure, I had already signed up for that overview creative writing class, and, yes, I had already realized that for this particular project, I certainly needed to improve my ability to see the big picture. But now I know that the skills I build in reviewing and rewriting this particular project will also need to be skills I carry forward with me to all my other projects.

I aim to be a nurturer of trees, but also a Park Ranger of forests. Not just in writing, but in life.

Beyond the full outline overview, which I did both in paper Post-its and on the computer (because my handwriting is virtually illegible, even to me), I also decided to tackle a rewrite of a scene by printing out all the relevant pages, cutting out all the detritus, and then layering what was left into a general, cohesive single scene.

Deb:  I have always loved this expression as it covers so much in life. An elegant saying indeed. I think you have found the perfect balance for your book, Barbara, in this theory.

Sometimes that which is right in front of us is painful. Sometimes it’s scary and sometimes it requires us to do things we are not ready to do. I find for me, I have always been able to see the forest despite the sometimes huge growth of trees, but am often reluctant to venture in.

Talking the Talk In The Conversation: Calling Our Men!

Barbara: I was talking to my dad the other day. My dad is awesome. He’s always been my biggest fan and reads the blog religiously. If he goes away on a trip, then he reads the ones he missed when he was gone. At the very beginning, and once he got the hang of it, he commented a couple of times, but then he got a bit self-conscious: not because he was a man commenting on our blog, but because he was my father and it might be deemed … inappropriate. You know, like when your parents find your diary or something. Funnily, this is the same feeling I’ve sometimes felt from other random people. We’ll get to talking and they’ll mention the blog and they’ll look a bit sheepish, really as though they’ve seen something they maybe shouldn’t have. But, hey, we blog because we think. We want you to peek inside. And so I’ve always shushed my father and told him to go ahead and post comments. And besides we love men over here, fathers especially, and we want them to feel they belong here too. Middle age is for everyone (sorry if that’s a shock), and middle-aged women affect everyone. It’s a fact of life.

So my father challenged me to call out our men. We know you’re reading because sometimes you’ll pop in, or you might message us privately, or you might mention it at a get-together. And here’s the thing: this isn’t a private girls’ club. I know those exist (and maybe must) as do the boys’ clubs (again, no judgment: we sometimes need the safety of private forums). But here we THRIVE on discourse. We love to skew a point of view this way and that until we get a broader sense of things. You guys might have different prisms through which we can look, or you can remind us that we ALL worry about the same things, not just those of us in the female orbit. We value our men. We count on your wisdom, your support, your sense of things.

So the question is: would you stand up here and be counted? Would you let us know what you think—even if you don’t agree with us? We know if you’re reading this that you are compassionate and temperate. If you don’t agree with something, or if you have a slightly different take, we won’t be offended (we only get offended at rudeness).

But most importantly, if over these next few weeks we are taking on The Conversation, if we’re examining how women are being portrayed in the media and how women’s sense of self is compromised or diminished because of it, if we want to change that, and even if we women are to blame for much of it, don’t you think you guys deserve a place at the table, a voice in the discussion?

We want to hear what you think about this stuff. We want your ideas and thoughts. Even if it means we’re forced to accept a “difficult truth” (yes, men do look at “shiny objects”), it helps get us all closer to the real truth (but they usually don’t mistake that for love, or even lust).

So I hope you’ll speak up today. I hope you’ll join us in our search for balance.

I’ll start off by throwing out a specific question—that of course, I’m still hoping our female readers will weigh in on. What do you think of the pervasive sexualization of women in the media? Does it have a subtle, shifting impact on how boys and men (and girls and women) look at women? Or is it harmless fun that doesn’t actually filter into our private expectations or our bedrooms? This isn’t a trick question, I swear! In its simplest sense, many men I know truly prefer their beloved woman fresh-faced, no makeup, no fancy clothes, despite the fact that it’s the rare media image that portrays a woman like that. So what do you think?

Deb: There was an article yesterday in the Globe and Mail entitled “Thinking Outside the Boxers” and it was basically raising this question: “with so much porn and negative portrayals of women in the media, does it affect a young boy’s view of sex and relationships?”. Are these young boys poised to treat women like objects? I was thinking about it from both sides, this very interesting question. I also wondered if some young women start to act the way they think is expected of them, which is why everywhere I turn, in television and the media at large, the skank meter is up to 11. I got to thinking about my own son and his friends and cousins that I know well. They are, of course, exposed to these things but I think a greater force is at work which prevents them from painting all women with the same glitter body paint. I think they see by example in their homes and the homes of their friends how a real man treats a real women and how a real woman treats a real man. They learn by example, respect, and equality. This way they are able to see porn for exactly what it is, and whether or not they engage in watching this type of thing, they are aware of its place in the grand scheme of things. It is not a real way of life. To a degree, it is theatre. Smart boys know this. So do smart girls. 

Flirting With Disaster?

Barbara: Okay, here’s a blog-leap from the sublime (thank you, Deb, LOVE YOU!!) to the ridiculous. I want to talk about flirting. How it makes you feel. Where you think the line is. Is it good, lovely, or bad, icky.

Why do I want to talk about this today? Well, it keeps coming up in recent convos I’ve had and articles I’ve read. Flirting is suddenly everywhere (except not actually directed at me—which is inevitable as I spend all my time locked in a solitary computer-driven daze … wait, does my dog eyeing me from his perch on the couch count???). Anyway, it’s made me wonder about it—and since we’ve had a bit of a heavy week, maybe we need to flirt with each other a bit and have fun and giggle and stuff.

First I read this article by a respected older writer about his natural male tendency to eye young beautiful girls and all the attendant guilt that comes from that. I think his final point is (my paraphrasing-interpretation here): Flirting/looking is a good thing, it feeds the cycle of human connection, we would all be worse without it, it is harmless, and it is spiritually beneficial (spiritually beneficial? um…okay…). All valid points, but I couldn’t shake the sad urge to tell him that the waning years are equally hard on both men and women: in other words, while women realize they are getting fewer and fewer of those sexy glances as they age (and possibly missing them), I’m sorry to say (admit) that being gawked at by men also usually follows the age scale: hot young man flirting/looking=exciting; old man=not so much. And this brings up an important point—there’s a HUGE difference between wanted attention and unwanted, isn’t there, even though all of this attention falls into the general sphere of “flirting”.

I can’t remember the last time I flirted. And yet I cherish the many engaging, close, and interesting relationships I have with men who are not my husband. I’ve never been a big flirt (outside my marriage). I’ve always preferred to keep my relationships in the realm of “harmless fun”. Luckily for me, I don’t remember a time when this approach created a conflict, where I couldn’t just assume we were, you know, buddies hanging out. I never had to draw an actual line. If there was ever intent there on his side, I don’t actually “know it” because I refused to see or acknowledge it. But then, I never had to deal with anything very obvious or aggressive.

Recently several of my beloveds have been the recipients of some serious flirting… and all of them have been uncomfortable with it. They described to me that moment when “harmless fun” suddenly seemed to veer into “oh, shit, he might want me” territory (this isn’t a post about mutually attracted adults … because that’s a whole other kind of flirting!). Suddenly, my beloveds felt uncomfortable and self-conscious. They wanted to know what to do. In each of these cases, they truly valued these friendships, wished they could continue unharmed, and were looking for ways to manage their sticky situation. What did I tell them? …Oh, I hope you don’t lambast me for this… I told them to keep having fun. To stay firmly on their side of innocent and honest engagement. To ignore the magnetic pull of unwanted desire. Because it’s not a black hole into which you must be sucked. Just because someone wants you doesn’t mean they get to have you. You shouldn’t have to “guard” something (your affections) that you have no intention of giving. For them to “have” you means there must be a mutual attraction. (I hope I don’t need to qualify this by acknowledging that there are some people who take this sexualized attention far too far and must be stopped cold and short, however that means.)

My advice to my beloveds was in the realm of “ignore it and it will heal”. That said, I also added that they shouldn’t fan the flame by blatantly flirting back, and if there were ever an admission of strong/real feelings, then they might need to add a good ‘ol, “This is never going to happen,” or “You’re a great person, but I don’t feel that way,” and continue as they were. And, yes, I even include flirting in professional situations—in fact, the workplace is probably the most commonly rife arena for the innocent and not-so-innocent flirt, isn’t it?

In my optimistic version of the world, I like to assume that we can continue a lovely, positive, and innocent connection with flirtatious people until a) they get the message that this is as far as it goes, b) they back off, and c) any unrequited feelings (having never been stoked) fade and eventually all is back to “normal”.

So this is where I open the door to you guys. Tell us your awful, wonderful, exciting, scary, interesting stories about flirting. Did I give my friends bad advice? Is it possible to treat unwanted flirting as something harmless? And does age figure into this discussion at all? It would be great to hear from both sexes on this one because, of course, all of these points apply to both.

Deb: This is such an interesting and tough subject to nail down. One man’s or women’s flirt may be another’s every day behavior. I can never judge it until I see it firsthand. Someone can seem benign and yet have a come hither gleam in their eyes and then someone else can seem all “out there flirt” and have no such intentions. Again it is subjective, isn’t it?

But I do know this. I am not a flirt. Or shall I say I am not a serial flirtist. I do not flirt as my social M.O. I do flirt plenty with my husband like Barb with hers, but I do not flirt with friends and acquaintances. I like to proudly wear “In A Relationship” on my demeanor. I think it’s fair play. If I were flirting it would (to me) be an indication that I was looking for something else, be it sex or be it a mate. Which I am not. So I don’t.

I will admit that I do get flirted at. And given that the flirter knows that this flirtee is taken, I find it distasteful. I am not judging your advice to your friends, Barb, because I don’t know the flirters or the flirtees or their intention and I totally agree that we should be who we are regardless. But of course I cannot SEE how your friends are acting so I can’t make a blanket statement about it. What they describe as casual conversation may indeed be sending a message. Or their attitudes may be totally innocent. I know mine is. All the time. I am very touchy with everyone, men and women, but not in a sexual way and I am a story-teller and a question asker. So I never have to change who I am because there is no way one could misinterpret my intent. However, when I get the come on vibes that don’t quit, I admit that I shut it down. Because the way I look at it, if you are coming on to a happily married person who is clearly not flirting with you, you deserve the “excuse me, I just need to use the powder room” ruse. 

PS Not that it makes any difference to Deb's point, but I (Barbara) do want to add that all of the peeps I mention here are single. But still ... not interested. Now we wanted to leave you on a high note with this little opus of overt flirting--from us to you. (Thank you, Sean'a, for this bit of loveliness!)