Telling Tattletales Out Of School

Barbara: Tattling—is it the lowest thing you can do as a child? Mean, ugly, stupid?

Did you grow up with this belief? Do you still believe it?

Okay, now … why?

I read this article in our national paper the other day and it brought me back to those years as a young parent when tattling and all the coping strategies that go with it became my responsibility. I’d grown up, as almost everyone I knew, to believe that tattletales were pernicious, mean and small-minded people. That children who tattled deserved my scorn. That I should “ignore it/them” and they would learn to work it out. But as a young parent, I was also now an adult, and as an adult I’d come to learn that the expression “tattletale” only applies to children and their problems. Because, of course, adults who point a finger are usually considered brave, righteous, or “whistleblowers”. And don’t these brave whistleblowers or victims often speak about how difficult it is for them to decide to say something against their aggressor or wrongdoer, and that they felt wrong to do so, and that they only agreed after much soul-searching and support? Aren’t we all familiar to some degree with this strange disassociation between what’s right, and then standing up for what’s right? And is it possible that maybe this disassociation began when, as kids, we were repeatedly told to work it out ourselves, that tattling was the worst, most base thing we could do, and that—in the unbelievably inflammatory language of the clinical psychologist/writer of this article—“everybody knows that tattletales are on the upper rungs of those who should be despised.” Really???!!!

I could go on and on about the unbelievably inflammatory language of this guy’s article, but I’m not here to discuss his choice of words or his ideology. No, it’s my blog so I’m here to discuss my own.

Now I am not a clinical psychologist, but I am sure that if someone is doing something wrong, something physically or emotionally (let’s call it what it is) abusive, especially if the people involved are young children to whom EVERYTHING FEELS LIKE AN EPIC EVENT, isn’t this the best, most purposeful time to take a few minutes out of our day to offer up a life lesson? To delineate for both children involved what is right and wrong? To lend a loving and supportive ear when one or both of them feel maligned? To prove to them that the home, the sacred circle that it is, is the best and safest place to air grievances and be heard and gently directed?

I know it’s annoying to hear “the whine”. I do. I was there. I know it can come at the worst possible time, say, in the middle of some really pivotal part of that novel you’re writing. I also know it can feel like “the whine” is caught on some loop, like a scratch in a record, replaying the same refrain over and over and over again. I know this. I also know—from experience—that the grievance, however trivial it seems to you—will have powerful triggers in both kids involved. I mean, sure, you may still not make everyone happy (in that moment), I certainly remember often leaving the discussion almost at square one and even with a frustrated (from me), “Well, you’ll have to work it out yourselves then!”, but I definitely remember most “tattles” ending in a kind of détente, where, at the very least, there was a calmer “agree to disagree” feeling. I also know very well that, if both sides have been heard, if all grievances have been aired, even if no satisfying outcome was achieved, those bickering, “tattling” kids will grow up with a sure sense that there is no shame in revealing your pain and that fair play is possible, and with some sense that, occasionally, it turns out that just because you feel wronged doesn’t mean you are wronged. PS: If your kids know you’re gonna wanna talk about the tattle, a) they will surely have their debating skills right up to snuff, which is great for their communications skills, and b) because they know you’re gonna wanna talk about it, they will also only bring you grievances they think are worth the effort!

As a parent, I realize now that the tattling phase really only lasts a few years. What’s a few minutes out of those days spent communicating with your child that hitting their sister (or stealing from them, or calling them a name) is not okay, that you hear them, and that there is some loving order in a chaotic world? Is our traditional approach to tattlers a lazy parent’s way out? Worse, does it condition the bad habit of suppression when we are hurt?

Or is the writer of this article right when he says that, by allowing the tattle, we are “currying favour at the expense of another” and forming “divisive bad habits”, and that the best and only way for us to deal with our children’s grievances is to ignore them?

Deb: Fascinating! Here is what I was brought up to believe and rather than changing it when raising the boy, I held fast to its model. I was taught that it isn’t right and nobody needs to know which kid took the last cookie or who threw the mud ball. I was taught to believe that I should tell when the person was hurting someone emotionally or physically or breaking the law. Anything beneath that was none of my beeswax. I was taught that if I was being pulled into something unsavory that I should own up to who is doing the pulling. Beyond that—stay out of it. In the professional world, as far as I can see, it has to be the same rules. Cheaters, liars, thieves, beware. Everyone else, just watch out for smartphones!!!

When Many Voices Come Together

Barbara: The last couple of days have been interesting politically. Here in Toronto, the local mayor presented a budget that would cut millions of dollars from sacred and beloved social services and arts. Everything from libraries to community centres to public pools as well as arts grants and funding were on the chopping block.

(This reminds me of Colin’s Facebook post yesterday: “Thanks … for this quote from Ricky Gervais in Esquire: ‘Churchill's advisors once came to him and said, "We're going to stop all funding for the arts so we can put that into the war effort.’ And Churchill said, ‘Then what are we fighting for?’ EXACTLY!!)

Anyway, here in Toronto, people were outraged, but the mayor pressed on, determined to push the cuts through. Well, the ground shifted in some deep social ocean floor and the peoples’ voices swelled, and a tsunami of protest washed over the dry hallows of city council—not destroying it, but drenching it in good, logical, responsible sense—until councilors representing many of the wards in our city did something unheard of. Going with the population tidal wave, the majority voted against the mayor. As it says in this newspaper article, this was a “stunning rejection”, and if it had “occurred at Queen’s Park or on Parliament Hill, [it] would be considered a vote of non-confidence in the government.” And yet, it happened. Because so many people voiced their outrage about this mean-spirited budget that our politicians were compelled to listen and act.

Yesterday, there was a major internet blackout (you may have noticed no Wikipedia, no Reddit, no Wordpress, etc) opposing SOPA and PIPA, two proposed American bills that would enforce copyright laws to such a broad degree that freedom of speech was close to being forever compromised (…if it's not posted on the internet, does it make a sound?...).

Now Wiki and Reddit and Wordpress, etc, are major powers and I wouldn’t just randomly support them. Also, as a writer and film industry veteran, obviously I consider copyright a serious issue. But we are at a crucial time in our history—we are now determining how we develop, how we progress, and how we communicate, and we can’t just lump our precious freedoms, rights, and innovations together and lock them behind the gates. We need to work toward finding a viable solution that protects both copyright and freedom of speech. 


But I'm not an expert here. For me, the moral of the story is this: Wiki and Reddit and Wordpress, etc. would never have been able to manifest the kind of political reversal that’s happening as we speak without millions of voices rising with them to protest. Here's what was already happening yesterday. Here's another primer, and here's an article about the new order. Special mention goes to a certain loyal blog reader for her helpful links here and for her concerned phone call to her local Rep. Maybe she'll tell her story in the comments section??? 

People, you can do amazing things!! Don’t ever forget that you can—and should—speak out.

Occupy Me

Barbara: Can of worms time maybe, but that’s what a blog is for, isn’t it? Certainly ours is—I want to be as honest as I can with this great community of amazing souls. So here goes.

I was thrilled to the core of my being when people started peacefully occupying cities around the world, taking a stand against corporate greed. And I watched (or tried to watch as coverage—certainly in the beginning—was and is spotty at best) with bated breath, wondering what would happen and how it would all unfold, wishing that no one would get hurt and no violence would erupt. Of course, my best wishes couldn’t stop pain or violence from happening, but that’s—truly—another story.

Why does the Occupy phenomenon touch me so? Oh, there are questions everywhere about what they stand for and is it legit and who’s the leader, and on and on in boring, pedantic circles. I’ve read the articles that insist that people got themselves into this shit by buying into the dream (that if it looks too good to be true, it probably is). I’ve even read a ridiculous rant against young people wasting their time getting degrees in Sociology and such as there is no use for do-gooders in the world and therefore no money to support future jobs in these fields, that these naïve dreamers should instead have been savvy enough to study, say, Mechanical Engineering, for which there are and will be jobs aplenty.

Really? I’m well past my undergrad years, but I have the good sense to know that if I was just starting out I would have to commit myself to something that I a) believe in and b) have some talent or natural ability for. I couldn’t have studied my way to a Mechanical Engineering degree if I’d tried. It’s ludicrous. For better or worse, we are all designed to fulfill different community needs. And this, by the way, is why the community has to support each one of us.

And please don’t tell me you don’t want to support the so-called “lazy people”: because then I’m going to challenge you to convince me that the waitress who slings hash at the local diner doesn’t work as hard as anyone else, doing so for little money, no security, and no benefits. And yet, would you want to live your entire life without the delicious comfort of hot coffee, eggs over easy, bacon extra-crispy and buttered toast (or whatever)? I’ll say it again: We are all designed to fulfill different community needs. Are there lazy people out there? Sure, but their numbers are miniscule beside the staggering number of dedicated, work-to-the-bone, or desperately unemployed masses who can’t get a leg up. They are lazy drops of water in a world-sized bucket.

I won’t lie and tell you that I’m out there on our city streets, occupying Toronto. I’m not that kind of gal (although she’s inside me somewhere, in spirit). I’ve always been an armchair cheerleader, whether for sports or politics. I’m too cautious, too afraid to fumble the ball, too—no other word for it—uncoordinated. But I know when I see a game that rouses me to my feet, gets my blood spinning, spurs me to shout out “Go Team!” at the top of my lungs.

The Occupy phenomenon makes me believe we can and will stand up for one another and that we will insist that we conduct ourselves with honour and compassion. Make money, people, I don’t care about that, I really don’t think most people do. Get rich, spend it how you will. But don’t make it in what would, under ordinary circumstances, be considered criminal and then pretend that’s how business is done. Don’t sell me a bill of goods and then scream that I should’ve read the fine print.

This is my mantra for Occupy: Transparency.

That’s it, in a nutshell. I want the truth. I want all the cards on the table. If you make a mistake, I will accept that. But not if you pull an ace from your sleeve and pretend it’s fair play. Do the right thing—or what you truly believe to be the right thing—in everything you do. Then inform me of your process.

Oh, and one more thing, my unsolicited advice: Occupiers, why don’t you go home to bed every night? Get a good night’s sleep, go back in the morning, freshly bathed and fed. If you don’t, they will tear down your tents, warning of vermin and pestilence, death and violence (and, of course, they will turn out to be right in this). But if you give them nothing to dismantle … they will have nothing to dismantle.

Go Team!

Deb: The world shifts every so often and lately it has shifted to the point where its axis is up its rear. Pain not withstanding, it has provoked us to the point where we are all listening. The generations following Boomer have raised their peaceful fists to say that they are “Mad as hell and they aren’t going to take it anymore.”

Okay, redundant yes, but when a power phrase works, it works! The difference is, they aren’t willing to die for it anymore. They are too smart for that and too savvy. This isn’t Kent State. They won’t be taken shockingly or naively. They know their rights and their cause.

And most of all, they know they have no other choice. The youth are responsible. They are speaking up. We must listen. Because we have listened before. And it worked. At least, for a while it worked. Until it didn’t and needed to be worked again. But this generation has the power of their parents behind them. The parents that walked, that did the sit-in, that did the protest. They understand and they are walking hand in hand with their children, sometimes literally and sometimes figuratively.

And they know there is nothing to fear. Because ... each generation has to step up. If they are going to look their children in the eye. Different issues. Same passion. 

Barbara: When I wrote my opener today, I had NO idea that Deb's son Luke and his incredibly articulate, lovely girlfriend had participated in Occupy Montreal and were featured in this CBC news clip. You can see curly-headed Luke right behind the announcer, and when the announcer turns to interview a young woman, that's our Megan!! Serendipity.