Friday, August 20, 2010

Note To A Neighbour

Deb: Dear Neighbour,

You can imagine how moved I was when I met you on the street today and you greeted the news of our pet’s passing with a slight grin and an “Oh”. In your eyes, I could see the gleam of “Good! One down, one to go.” My soul was further stirred by your milk of human kindness pouring out all over my head as you railed on about how much they bark and how this is disturbing your television watching. I explained to you that while the dogs do bark at squirrels and raccoons, what you fail to realize is that they lay out there for hours at a time making no sound at all. I also reminded you that when they bark for more than a few seconds, we come out to stop them or bring them in. But then I HATED myself for making any excuses to you at all, you dried-up old humourless lifeless sour pinched prune.

You also went on to express your displeasure at the reno going on beside our home and when I said that I was happy for them, you sneered your displeasure. I have one basic question for you: Why the hell did you move to this neighbourhood? With its dogs and cats and children and renos? Our son is a grown man now and yet we still love to hear the little ones with their laughter and screaming and whining and crying. These are the sounds of living, you dried-up old humourless lifeless sour pinched prune. HAD to say that again. Cause frankly it was the only thing stopping me from hitting you with the bitch-mama of all words, the C word! MY KINGDOM for the sound of its hard consonant hitting your flat smug face like a plank! My mind was racing! Don’t do it. Soften the C! Dear God, soften the C!

So gathering my composure which was no small feat, I will say this, you chunt...
If a barking dog is the only thing that ever makes your life a tragedy than you will be a very lucky woman indeed. I hope their yips are the only sorrow you experience in your life. But without question, this neighbourhood is an odd choice to live in with someone of your discerning tastes and boundaries. I think an adults-only no dogs/no cats/no chunts condo would be more your style. But of course the no chunts rule would catch you up, wouldn’t it?

Well, I guess your only recourse if you choose to stay in this hood is to hire a plumber to pull the tree trunk out of your ass. Then neighbour, sit for just a minute, turn off the TV and listen to life around you. And if it isn’t too late, join in. You won’t regret it.

****Thanks in advance to our dear fun and liberal followers for allowing me to vent in the blog. This is the EXTREME version of the more polite version I wrote to prunie. I had full intentions of slipping it into her mailbox. Now, I don’t have to. Wow, blogging is waaaaaaaaaay cheaper than therapy.

Barbara: Call me a chunt, but c’mon, Deb, have you never heard the awful racket of birds outside your window at six in the morning?! Their incessant little chirps just grating on your nerves and driving you batty? And cats? Have you not had at least one or two over the summer meowing at your doorstep, rubbing their catty fur all over your mat while they beg for attention? Or squirrels?! How the hell can you stand their caterwauling from tree to tree? And don’t even get me started on crickets. Have you ever tried to read a book on your porch while these annoying pests lay waste to the peace and quiet of a city night? I much prefer, you know, REAL sounds, like honking horns and electric hum and TV voices. Or best of all: that deathly silence that spreads out between a bored couple with nothing to say to each other. Now that is grand.


  1. Yup, you gotta shake your head at the intolerance of some folks. I live close to conservation land where some of the neighbours find trees a nuisance. Go figure.

    Awoke up early this morning and caught up on the wonderful nuggets on your website. You two are bloggers extra-ordinaire!

  2. Yes Lorraine, damn those trees huh? These people belong on their own planets really.

  3. I couldn't agree with you more, Barbara. I would hate to be Deb's neighbour and have to put up with the barking of her dog. And she actually allows the birds to chirp. Aweful. How can I hear the cars honking if you do that to me?

  4. Right on Rayna! We have a raccoon or two under our deck because of the open reno's on either side of us. Fanny started to bark in a big way this morning trying to get at the raccoon. I ran out as I always do to stop her, looked toward my evil neighbour's house and said with a slight smile "good girl Fanny, Good Girl!"

  5. *extends claws and bares teeth*

    Why is it, Deb, that I suddenly find myself plotting on your behalf the brightest, most garish, over the top, wonderfully loud, obnoxiously kitschy, delightfully tacky Christmas display you could possibly cover your entire house and yard with this winter? Lots of lights, singing animatronic things, and unsubtle ho-ho-ho'ing. And, don't forget that you and all of your non-chunt neighbors need to go carolling! Loudly. And, off key. Making sure to spread the Christmas spirit at your chunt neighbor's doorstep warbling all 12 days Bob and Doug McKenzie's 12 Days of Christmas. She'll choke on her eggnog every time you sing the line "and a beer in a tree."

    I highly suggest you arrange a camping trip for the chunt. In a place with wolves. Howling wolves. Lots of HUNGRY howling wolves. She needs to visit Fanny's cousins.

    I also hope that the raccoons visit your neighbor's property and get into all of her trash cans. Loudly and messily. And, when she complains that the raccoons have done damage on her property, you can proudly say, "Ah, yes, but did you notice Fanny didn't bark and scare them off? Aren't you glad Fanny was quiet for you last night?"

    And, I wish upon the vile wench's lawn Caddyshack gophers.

    *retracts claws and goes back to drinking my Diet Coke*

  6. Oh thank you Rigel! Revenge is best served with raccoons and gophers. Man it had been a long time since I had seen Bob and Doug's 12 days of Christmas. Now, where the heck did I put those loud speakers? hmmmnnnnnn.

  7. Deb, Firstly, I had no idea you even knew the word "chunt"...Secondly, as per the one who resides in proximity to you, next time you see her, inquire casually, "How's that learning to live in a city thing coming along?" then without waiting for a reply, continue on your way. After that, cut her dead. Trust me, arbiter of human nature that I consider myself to be, it will drive her much so that she may feel compelled to start looking for her rural retreat wherein she will be able to live each day without the petty interruptions of those whose unforgivable crime is walking the planet with her.

  8. Beautifully said garedican! May I quote you?

  9. You should just tell your neighbour to kiss your ass. Who cares what she dosen't like. The sounds of the world are great and she is stupid for not realizing them. It sounds like she would be a much better person if she would open up her heart and ears and mind a little more and stop being so hateful. You should tell her to stay inside with the windows closed if she does not want to her the sounds of the out doors. Then that would fix her problem and she would have nothing to complain over. Just to piss her off you should make a lot of noise right out side her window, just to piss her off. It wouldn't solve anything but it would be funny.

  10. Ha, good idea, Lyndsie!

    PS because I was having so much fun with my response to Deb, I missed my chance to corroborate that her dogs really truly don't bark more than a few minutes a few times a day. They are downright demure compared to most dogs. Which makes the chunty attitude that much more astonishing.

  11. Deb- as a writer I first have to compliment you on this:
    "MY KINGDOM for the sound of its hard consonant hitting your flat smug face like a plank! "

    What a brilliant line! It stopped me in my tracks.

    Also I must commiserate. I have a neighbor from hell too. Years ago I had another neighbor take me to "dog court" for my dog's supposed incessant barking. She had taped it. Here's how the tape went:
    " ....crickets......crickets....crickets.....BARK....crickets...crickets..."
    The judge laughed....I WON!

    Hang in there Deb, and pray for that woman. She must be the most miserable human being on the planet. How sad.

  12. Justice Grrl! How hysterical is that?!!! That is my fave court story of all time!! (and Deb's plank line -- most brilliant in history!)

  13. First off, thanks Barb for saying that they do not bark constantly. When the parents of the animals say that people say "yeah right" but it's true. That's what makes chunty all the more sour. Thanks Justice girl for the compliment and as much as it pains me to say this, rage was my inspiration on that one! I love the crickets...bark...crickets and the judge laughing. Oh sweet revenge. Why do we love it sooooooooo much?

  14. Because it's hot summertime, and revenge is a dish best served cold.

  15. It's like the milkshake of evil.

  16. Hmm...Go buy a whole bagful of those cheap foam earplugs and fill said neighbors mailbox with them. Then stand back and enjoy :)

    Thankfully my Dad's neighbors love the sound of our basset hound's howling or we might be in the same boat.

  17. Hahahahaha! Chuckles aplenty. Thanks.

  18. omg, this cracked me up. I shall now forever use the word chunt.

    But seriously girls, the noise that squirrels make, I don't mind it, but what the fuck is it??? Here on Long Island at least, it's a really weird freaky noise. :)

  19. OOOooooo, Deb, I had an idea!

    Inspiration starts at the 8:52 mark (around 9:40 is when you should start cackling with malevolent glee):

    I'm just sayin'...

  20. We've got a neighborhood in our burbs your crabby lady neighbor can move to. And you know what I do every time I drive through those windy street with those big houses that are all the SAME three shades of TAUPE with their itty bitty trees and people locked in their air-conditioned walls? I feel SORRY for those blasted, sour people that can't tolerate a little LIFE if their neighborhoods. Oh, we're not short on crabs... the people down the street with the manicured lawn and FREAKING FAKE FLOWERS SO THEY NEVER HAVE TO WEED OR ATTEND TO THEM reported a neighbor who had planted a lushly growing 'wild' yard (damn republicans *cough*--did I say that? Honestly, it's possible that it's a coincidence. The other republican family is very nice--here in Ann Arbor, they only allow 2 republican families in a given block)

    I'm very glad though, to live somewhere that the kids and pets are loved, by the young and geriatric families alike. My husband walks the dog with no leash and people seem to just like that.

  21. This is why me moved out of the city and into the country. We got so tired of the mindless, insanity of some not all of the neighbors in subdivisions. I would much rather hear the dogs, kids and birds, that the squeals, honks and rumble of the traffic.
    Some people actually think you are crazy to care about animals. I wrote a blog in titled Dogs are not people --their better than that. I was really surprised how quickly I started getting positive comments. So there are a lot of us out here who would have wanted to tell her off as well.
    I know lets all bring our dogs to your place for a dog party, on her side of the yard of course.

  22. First of all - so sorry about Frisker. Losing a pet is never easy, and when you have chunts in your neighbourhood, that's not making it any easier.

    Secondly - this reminded me a lot about an episode of 30 Rock, "The C-word". A lady kept barging in, calling for a cat named Runt every time someone said c.. You know the one. I think I prefer "chunt", though ;)

    Finally - I agree. Blogging really is cheap therapy!

  23. Bag of earplugs Ruth-Check! Milkshake of Evil Rigel. I shall be using that one! Thanks M.J. and as odd as this sounds "aplenty" is one of my favourite words. I use it often and sometimes incorrectly. I don't know Gae what sound you are referring to with squirrels but I would love to hear it. Keep in mind we are Canadian and as a result, the only thing you hear our squirrels say is "sorry, excuse me, sorry". Hart I have always hated the plastic flowers. Hated them and thought "what?" And then I met this lovely man in my Mum's stroke survivor group who could no longer keep his garden and had no one to do it for him. He felt the only way he could keep us his end was with plastic as he was embarrassed to not have anything out. I have never looked at them with the same disdain since. There's just life must be in heaven in the country but I do have a dear friend who lives in a small town in the country and has many of the same problems we do! People are people right? Good and bad wherever the frig you are. Sigh. Why can't they all be like us dear bloggers? Why????? Thanks Cruella for the words of condolence. We miss him so much. I had totally forgotten about the Cword Thirty rock. Yes it was hilarious! EVery word has it's time and this is the time for CWORDS APLENTY!

  24. Deb -

    When I saw this today, I was reminded of anti-chunt plotting.

    Love and hugs,


Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.