Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Adding To The Conversation: Women And Media

Barbara: So last week Ashley Judd asked us (and by “us” I don’t mean The Middle Ages specifically, but wouldn’t that’ve been cool???) to “join in—and change—the Conversation” about women and how we’re seen and represented in the media. In case you missed it, she wrote this biting piece for the Daily Beast in response to the overwhelming attention she’s received lately based SOLELY on her looks. She’d wanted to ignore it at first, but then she got mad. And then she knew she couldn’t sit back anymore and “take it”. She needed to speak out.

Now Ashley isn’t the first person to speak out against this kind of thing, but I really believe one of the reasons themes keep repeating themselves in our blogs here or in our conversations in life or in society in general is that we need to keep remembering—and reminding each other—to adjust. Because adjustment is so incremental (another common theme here!), we need to practice working and re-working our gears toward the truer and clearest path toward compassion and acceptance.

Why was Ashley lambasted? Because she’d “had work done” … or because she hadn’t. No one (in these articles) talked about how she’d scored a strong lead role in a new TV show, that she was setting a great example for strong female characters, one which didn’t need to be overtly sexualized to be interesting. No, the articles were all about her looks. And the mean-spirited writers of these pieces were usually (maybe exclusively) women! She calls it a misogynistic attitude. Not anti-male, but anti-female. That we are so conditioned to deconstruct each other that this is the only conversation worth having in our media right now: the insulting speculation goes viral, the nasty comments pile up, the media jumps in to ride this next wave of escalating vitriol. Ooh, we love to hate each other!

Now, I almost didn’t talk about this here because I know we’re not of this ilk. I’ve seen it over and over in how we support each other and celebrate our spiritual wellbeing. But then I also realized that if we don’t talk about it here, we’re missing a chance to spread the consciousness of a really important issue. We can put our feelings into words here—and everyone will have slightly different words—and we can make a difference in how women and men talk about women.

As an actor, I obviously have had to give my looks a lot of thought. But I was almost never cast as the “beautiful” girl, was almost always as the sweet mom. And so I didn’t really feel the onus of needing to look a perfect way. That said, the “beautiful” girl roles are usually the most exciting. And I do remember the whole “is she fuckable” question that was applied to who would eventually be cast in any given role. And, yes, this question gets applied to male actors too. But I’ve never been in a position where my looks have been scrutinized, picked apart, and spit upon like Ashley Judd has. People say Ashley was “asking for it” because she chose a career that puts her in the public eye. I have news for you: people who want to be actors are almost never in it for the fame. Is fame seductive, can it twist you around? Most certainly. But fame is really only part of the equation for an actor because if you’re famous, well, then you get to work—and actors want nothing more than to work (you can’t perform a little show by yourself, for yourself, the way you can, say keep a writing or drawing journal or dance or sing). People become actors because they have a deep-seated need to communicate with other people, to help share the human experience by showing you yourself. We’ve needed actors as story-tellers since the beginning of Man. Why would we excoriate them for not looking like some increasingly bizarre notion of "perfect"?

As a now “middle-aged” woman, I see my role in society shifting, my looks changing. Of course, I ask myself from time to time if I would ever get “work done”.  Funnily, this is probably the one instance when I have been guilty of deconstructing a woman’s looks: when she’s had so much work done, her face looks like an unnatural mask. I don’t know where to look; I blurt out how “great” she looks because I don’t know what I’m supposed to say. And what am I doing when I do that? Implying that in her natural state, the one where she looked utterly like herself, she was somehow not lovely?

I had lunch with an acquaintance a little while ago. I had only met her once when we’d had an amazing dinner together years before. When we got together the second time, I was delighted to see her again. She asked if she looked different; I said no, she looked exactly the same! It was just so great to see her! But she was disappointed. She’d lost a lot of weight, changed her hair colour, and felt like she’d shed some old unhappy, unhealthy version of herself. I was gobsmacked. I swear, my connection with her had been through her eyes, through her spirit that one night, through her stories. I guess how she looked hadn’t made as strong an impression on me as how she WAS. Sure, she looked great the second time, but she’d also looked great—to me—the first.

I think, like with health and wellness issues, how we look is only important as far as how it makes us FEEL. And we all need different things to make us feel good, don’t we? But we’re also making it harder to FEEL good about ourselves when so much focus seems to be on how we LOOK.

By reading or passing around the nasty garbage about how this person has cellulite and that one has wrinkles and the other one is “puffy-faced”, we are giving this kind of discussion weight. We need to stop valuing each other and ourselves for how good we look (or not). It’s not “innocent banter” or “silly gossip”. It insinuates. It snowballs. It corrupts. It undermines. And it is so IRRELEVANT.

Think about it: the people we really admire, the ones we really love, the deepest, realest connections in our lives have nothing to do with appearances.

Maybe if we practice believing it, we might actually one day believe it.

Deb: This is a subject I have wanted to tackle for some time and have had in my notes and on my mind.  Thank you, Barbara, for bringing it up. I have continued to marvel these last years about the continued and growing attack on woman—by women. I have much more to say on it, but it will be for another time. Right now and for this post, you have nailed it. But I must say, I think the conversation should continue at The Middle Ages. I think we have just landed on a theme that deserves some length of time. I might even suggest a spring theme if you will. I will build on what you have written if you like and you do the same. A great dialogue will ensue, I am sure. For women and for men, we MUST start setting new ground rules. We must. It has lost its way ... mostly, but not entirely. Not by a long shot.

Barbara: Yes, let’s do it!!! 



PS Tomorrow, Annette is going to guest-blog here about her own hilarious encounter with trying to walk this delicate line!

29 comments:

  1. Why is it people judge beauty by a person's physical appearance rather than their character, their inner self? This is definitely an important conversation to have. True beauty, to me, is a person who listens, talks kindly, does good deeds, etc. What that person looks like does not matter. A physically beautiful person can have an ugly soul.
    I think that people might get along better if we were all a bit blind. Of course, we would just find another way to alienate each other...

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    1. Oh, yeah, I had that icky shudder of recognition when you said "Of course, we would just find another way to alienate each other..." Why is that so important still for people???

      But that said, I wonder if we focus on looks because it is the easiest, the quickest, the most mundane, the most common...?

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    2. I love Ashley Judd. So sad that we defeat ourselves.

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  2. This is sucha wonderful subject Barb.I agree with Deb we should continue this. I know EXACTLY what you are talking about here..I'll be honest..I have never given much thought to "APPEARING" nice. I dont spent much time in front of the mirror. Although its not like I HATE women who do..I absolutely adore them...But I believe to be MYSELF...my NATURAL self..but I was compelled to be obsessed with my appearance for a year, I guess two years ago. A certain "person"....Spend a long time..trying to tell me how IMPERFECT I looked and that THAT was the reason the guy I loved didn't love me back.....I spent the whole year trying to lose weight, change everything about me... so HE might just like me.It sounds so ANTI-ME I know. I use to be a pessimist back then ;).For that one year that woman tried to change EVERYTHING about me...And I listened...But the one thing she didnt think counted was that I was a nice person. I 'undo'd everything when I came back to my senses...and SWORE...I would never change myself.....I used to get snide comments sometimes....but Now I really am comfortable the way I AM...SO I dont attract those kinds a people I guess. But my point is, It happened to me...so I know how it feels...and I am not proud of it...but I was raised in a very orthodox background so Ive been around and one of the people who bitched like this, not the person just about 'why they did it?'. But not now, Since a few years Ive grown mature..and I honestly believe ANYONE CAN DO ANY FUCKING THING THEY LIKE...men or women doesn't matter....Its not anybody else's problem coz its not THEIR LIFE....! I myself since the very beginning look at the person's soul....Ive always trusted my instincts.! My instincts tell me about the person... Not if they are good or bad..But whether they will be compatible or not...And I trust my instincts...NEVER FAIL ME !!! But bottom line I look at the soul...And not the person...Thats for sure...Everything you wanna know lies in their eyes and their smile!! I am not speaking so someone would change listening to this..coz Its their life and they are just doing what they do...I myself dont support commenting on "how bad someone looks" coz under every so called BAD exterior, there is a soul...And I prefer to look at its BEAUTY !!
    And honestly to anyone who has been victim of this...I am saying this to you...Anyone who calls you ugly, or makes any offensive comment about you. Pity them coz they cant see how BEAUTIFUL YOU ARE... On the outside and MOST IMPORTANTLY on the inside...
    My peptalk's done...:P on a completely different note....I CANT WAIT FOR TOMORROWS BLOG....I am so excited to read what ANNETTE HAS TO SAY :) And I am hoping it will be 'funny'..lol ;)

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    1. Oh, trust me, baby, it's funny! Thanks for -- as usual -- the great peptalk, Shalaka. You bring up another great point too: changing in order to gain love. That is such a fundamental driving force too that we need to watch. We don't change to please others, we change to make ourselves better for ourselves!

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  3. I read Ms Judd's comments yesterday as well as the posts in response, which so many were so disturbing. I find it confusing that some feel if you are in the public eye, there is no need to be sensitive nor allow for basic human dignity. We are only too happy to have those in the public eye lead and entertain us, but to remove all levels of respect for those is just wrong. We also know that you don't have to be a public figure to experience judgement, disrespect and unwarranted comments. Today we are inundated with statistics and action days around bullying. While awareness is important, I feel that we need to create a better sense of respect in each and every child. While it is sad that this doesn't happen for all in the home first, our society needs to make respect a subject with as much importance as spelling and math in our schools. If we can teach young children to respect themselves, all others and our environment with an active curriculum, then we will certainly see a change of attitude. We know that biases are handed down but we also know that through education we can change those views. Will we ever get there?

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    1. Excellent point, Therese. This is so very much like bullying. Being an optimist too, I definitely believe if there's a stronger emphasis on compassion in our schools, our kids will grow up with less commitment to the idea that bullying "gets good results".

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    2. I was in the middle of getting ready for class earlier when I commented so I didn't have time to read the other comments already here, but I agree 100% with you Therese! Respect was taught in my home growing up and I still can't believe how many kids act so carelessly. Adults as well, I guess, with today's topic as proof.

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  4. If this was happening to a child, even a child actor, we would immediently recognize it as bullying and the whole media frenzie would be to have it stopped ASAP. But since this is happening to an adult the media somehow finds a way to both put her down for her looks and then blame her for why they critizie her in the first place, saying it is part of her job description or something! Bullying is bullying no matter how old, how famous, or what ever the reason, bullying is harmful to everyone.

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    1. Yes! You're the second person today to call it bullying. Which it really is, isn't it? It's got to stop!

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  5. There's no getting around the fact that human beings admire physical beauty. I don't think there's anything wrong or unnatural about that; on a warm sunny day when I walk I am as close to heaven as I'll ever be; on a cool cloudy day walking is a burden. We are deeply affected by what our senses experience and it's foolish to deny it.

    Where we go wrong is the shallowness of our focus and the fleetingness of it. We've bought into these media images of what is perfect beauty and what isn't; of course, the entire human race has bought into the idea that only youth is beautiful, for centuries! Especially when it comes to women.

    I love to read biographies and find that often a woman, long dead, is described as being a great beauty. Yet when I look at photographs or paintings of her, I am left wondering how she could have been considered so. Have our ideas of beauty changed so much since the times that woman lived? Or was her beauty noticeable when she lived because her spirit made it visible, created it? I think that must be it.

    I always find a person beautiful when s/he is laughing. Also, I have met people I found actually ugly who, after several days of getting to know them, transformed before my eyes into people of great beauty. And the opposite: I've met people so beautiful I was awestruck who, very shortly after they began speaking, became ugly.

    This is an important topic and I don't feel I've anything new to add to it, but I'm glad people are talking about it.

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    1. On the contrary, Kate, I think your observations here are important for a really rich discussion! I remember blogging about the awe-inspiring effect of great beauty once. Absolutely it's important to not negate that fundamental effect on us. But like you say, it's a fleeting effect. It's what happens the mouth opens and their truth pours out!

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  6. Deb and Barb, I originally shared the Ashley Judd piece with Barb as it fit nicely into an ongoing dialogue we were having with another friend. As I said to Barb then I thought the piece was sheer genuis. In addition to her formidable intellect and artful ability to express it, I had seen the criticism earlier in the media and couldn't believe that someone so stunningly beautiful would be subject to such cruel speculation. Not to suggest that someone less blessed physically should be maligned just to say, if the goddesses among us aren't safe from such petty malingering, what chance do women have in general to affirm their worth without having it inexplicably tied to their physical attributes.
    To an earlier point, we've all seen people who may not have struck us as particularly attractive morph into beauties as they reveal themselves to us. Likewise, people who've originally enticed our eye have grown less appealing as their inner core was revealed. Also to an earlier point, we are hard-wired to appreciate beauty. It probably contributed to our survival as a species at one long ago point but it is very troubling that the reach of various mediums - the media, social platforms, the ad business - have combined to really restrict our definition of what we hold to be beautiful. I hate when women attack each other - and the ugly truth is they do it all the time - as if beauty of any sort was a pie and if you get a slice there will be no serving for me. I also how many women really suffer terribly because they don't feel they meet these 'standards'. I'm often shocked by that and it's manifestations.
    My 19 year old daughter came home came home from work her work at a hip clothing store troubled the other day.She relayed how many times she sees encounters wherein moms are lambasting their teenage/ 20 something daughters for the choices when they try stuff on...calling them out on their 'flaws', eager to tell them what a miss their selection is, etc.. We actually both teared up considering how harsh it would be to be the recipient of such a critique. And and I had to ask..."Why...why would you find it necessary to deflate your daughter at the time in her life when she is probably glowing and full of the joy of it? Why would you do that? Sadly, I think it's because we're now practically trained to look for the negative when it comes to women and their appearance. And that's just sad...and we should talk about it because if we could turn the tide and use the energy we expend putting each other down...how far could we lift each other up?

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    1. Oh, wow, Annette, you totally chilled and warmed me both here!! So so sad that moms would do that to their daughters -- yet I know it to be true. Your final question, though, is just so full of POTENTIAL just imagine if we embraced it. I think the media has narrowed our idea of beauty. But we're also letting it control it! Especially if we let it get inside our heads and mess with our sense of self (and our sense of others). Awareness!

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  7. Couple of things comes to ming. First, I remember when I was in my teens (17) and was travelling to my dad's in train. I remember when I got in to the train that the couple sitting infront of me (facing me) didn't quite care for me. It is just the feeling when someone looks down on you and I felt it really heavily. After we had travelled some time, I just had to do something about it. So we started talking and I found out that they indeed did not like me because of what I looked. They thought that I was a spoiled litlle brat with pappa betalar attitude. I still remember this even though it was a small event in my life. Oh, and I almost made the woman cry and she admitted that you can't judge book by its covers.

    The second thing is about what garedican wrote about moms lambasting their youngs. In my head I came to this answer (to the question asked) a long time ago that it is necessary to bring the young ones down if they are threat to your way of life or they are getting to strong for you to handle otherwise.

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    1. Another shiver from reading: your last line, Kasku. Isn't that horrible???! People do unbelievable, unthinkable, things when they feel threatened.

      I don't know if you ever read my old post about "What kind of mother am I?", but in it I describe an incident when my (at the time) 16-year-old daughter, all of 110 pounds soaking wet, creative and gentle and sweet, walked into a pool wearing a simple bathing suit, but sporting a crazy blue-dyed 'do and some trendy makeup -- and overheard a couple turn to each other and say: "She looks like she could kill someone and not even think about it."

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    2. Well what can I say... It is scarring experience. Sometimes more literally than in others. I am lucky and don't have visible scars, only mental ones.

      I admit I had to find the post. :) I actually had skimmed it through earlier, so it was a bit familiar to me. I think that the judging of peoples looks is so deeply weaved into human nature that it is going to be a big task to change it. All we can do is not do it ourself and teach it to the next generation. I bet the old couple had been watching too many bond movies to have thought that of your daughter. :)

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    3. Yeah, sadly I agree that I think it is very deeply woven into our human nature. That's why Deb and I knew we had to write about this -- because it takes many of us to consciously try to undo the damage.

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  8. My post today so goes hand in hand with this. My oldest arrived home from school yesterday wearing a layer of makeup and she isn't allowed to wear makeup yet. I was surprised to say that the makeup wasn't what bothered me, it was the question of what messages she's getting that prompted her to go against a well known rule and I can't help but doubt it's the message I want her to get.

    I want her to get the message that makeup doesn't change who or what you are inside and that true beauty really does come from within. It’s not a cliché it’s not wishful thinking I really and truly believe that beautiful people are not made from the outside in but from the inside out and I want her to know it as surely as I do.

    I worry about her, about both my girls, everytime I read or see something like this. I've wondered lately if my vision of how I see the world is being clouded by having a daughter at such a sensitve age or if it really is getting worse. Obviously it isn't just me.

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    1. I don't know if it's that things are getting worse or if it's the pervasiveness of media everywhere that is making it such an uphill battle. I definitely think that when you have girls, as a parent you have one kind of general fear (which definitely revolves around self-image and vulnerability to violence) and if you have a boy it would revolve around other general fears (like vulnerability to violence). Once you get through those formative years, you can breathe a sigh of relief. When you're in them, you can really only be as strong and positive a voice as possible, while also listening to and supporting them ... and then trust.

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  9. I often hear people say: They chose to be in the limelight, it's their own fault. They have to live with that.

    This is so annoying and frightening. Especially when you talk about "famous" people. People don't care what they're saying. Maybe because they think this person will never ever hear their remarks. Or maybe because they are so far away that they'll never get a direct response.

    I have to admit that looks are important to me, when I watch tv shows or movies. Yes, I want to drool over some hot guys. :P :P Blame me!
    But that doesn't mean that I hate people, who don't look pretty (in my eyes!). How could I? I don't know them.

    I guess that's why people care so much about looks. It's the first thing you see. You can't see the personality of an actor or a musician, when he/she's doing his/her job, but you see how they look like.

    And maybe it's not as "interesting" to other people, as the fact that it's a nice person...

    Who wants to read headlines saying: "XXX is a lovely girl"?
    No...you want to read about the "flaws". I guess it is about jealousy. Wait, she's famous? She's pretty? She has a lot of money? Bitch! There must be something...HA! She had a spot last week. Time to make fun of her.

    I never cared how my friends looked like. They are my friends. They're always beautiful, when I look at them. Because they're nice and honest and warm-hearted people.
    I have a friend, who is disabled. I don't care! He's great. I have a friend, who stutters. I don't care! She's funny and lovable.

    Especially, when you find friends through the internet. Of course, at some point, I would like to see a pic, but at first, it's all about emotions, thoughts and personality...

    I myself never cared much about how I looked like. Yes, I was bullied, and it hurt me.
    But I am what I am. I can try to change me, because I want to. Not because other people want me to.
    I don't want to impress anyone, I want to feel comfortable (I don't say I always do :P).

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    1. Brilliant Becki! Jealousy does play a huge part and we don't like to admit it. With the internet today, no comment posted is safe. If you blast someone online, there is a good chance they are going to find out. There is no hiding behind distance when the Internet is involved.

      I have to admit, I love to drool over a good looking guy on a movie, too. So shoot me. :)

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    2. This is weird -- I posted a response to Becki's comment earlier, and it's not here! I will give it a bit more time and then try posting again. Love you, Beck, love your intelligence!!

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    3. Thank you! :)

      Don't worry about the comment...

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  10. I read your post early this morning and I've been thinking about it all day. It is sad and true. As a plus-sized lady, I'm more aware of how people of large sizes are percieved in the media. I remember a picture ad for a movie. It had a well dressed thin woman and an over weight woman with an old t-shirt, ugly shorts and a worn out sneakers. Why was the thin one dressed like she could be a CEO and the fat one dressed like she climbed out of the Salvation Army rejects? One of my daughters favorite movies when she was much smaller, had the beautiful, thin princess with a sweet voice that everyone loved. There was a fat lady in the movie who always had food in her hands, talked like she had food in her mouth, was completely stupid and childish in her actions. Why is that? With men, I've seen fat, humorous character actors make fun movies, have leading parts and still get the girl in the end. It doesn't work that way in the movies with women, though. No wonder people think overweight persons are stupid, it is the way they are portrayed in the media. I've been so happy that in the last few years, several overweight women have won major acting awards. We need more strong women in the media, forget size, we need strong amazing women.

    It's hard with the children. I have two daughters. I don't want them to be like me. It's hard being overweight. I want to teach them to take care of themselves because life isn't easy when you are overweight, but I want to make sure that they know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I will love them and think them beautiful no matter their size.

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    1. I have no doubt, Molly, that your girls will let the depth of your love and support help them through any kind of overt marginalization. I think it's what grounds us -- because it is our actual everyday experience with being loved for who we are, for being cherished, that reminds us that THIS is what counts!

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  11. I'm so glad you wrote about this. Topcis like this make me angry and weepy and trembly. I can't stand what is being done to women in terms of appearance, and I detest that we ourselves are often part of it. Society has this "Beauty = Good; Ugly = Bad" philosophy that most of us (myslef included sometimes) employ. It's unhealthy and we punish ourselves with it because often we're missing out on the most amazing things, people and experiences because of this belief. The media and films as well contribute to this. How many times have you seen an unattractive leading hero? Or even an unattractive leading role that is not a hero? My guess is not many. I think I had better stop here, because there is so much to say and this issue is so complex that it would take forever to break it all down. I'll content myself with reiterating that I hate being told by other people what is attractive and what is not.

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  12. Oh, actually, I'll say too that Asley Judd's article was very well written, and I am grateful that she brings our attention to our own role in this phenomenon.

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    1. I think this is a good start, Aimee! And to your point, I think we also struggle with which particular point we want to expound upon in all this -- there as so many important ones!! That's exactly why Deb and I want to address them over the course of several other posts. We look to you guys too to prompt us into deeper territory. Let the adventure begin!

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