Wednesday, April 4, 2012

What Makes You Feel Vulnerable?

Barbara: My daughter posted this video to my Facebook the other day and—because it’s 20 minutes long—I kept putting off watching it. If I get something—a link, an email, a private FB message—that I am sure will move me or make me think, I like to hold off viewing/reading it until I have some quiet time to truly focus on it and receive its message, whatever that might be (the downside of this is that my Achilles heal is that if I don’t tend to something as soon as I get it, then I risk forgetting it! Anyway…).

I am going to ask you guys to take some time to watch the video embedded below. In fact, maybe you can also take some time to pass it on. It’s an amazing TedTalk lecture by Brené Brown—a self-labeled “researcher-storyteller” whose background is social study—and she gives incredible food for thought in terms of how we shut ourselves off in order to avoid feelings of sadness, disappointment, loss, and fear. But, she says (and I don’t want this to be a spoiler for you to watching it because it is so worth watching), the main difference between those of us who feel an overall sense of worthiness, who have a strong sense of love and belonging, and those of us who don’t is that the “worthy” ones BELIEVE they are worthy. Only diff.

She goes on to talk about the essential ingredient at the core of this belief—which is that we need to embrace our vulnerability. To put ourselves out there despite possible rejection or dismay. “I love you”, not because I want you to know I love you, not because I hope if I say it you will love me back, but because I love YOU. Simple as that.

Of course, we’re very vulnerable with each other here. We’ve gotten used to telling each other our stories despite what people might say or think. To me this shows that vulnerability-practice “makes perfect”, or at the very least “makes adorably imperfect”. If you’ve read any of our earlier posts, you might remember that at first this concept of honest vulnerability was very hard for Deb and I. We came this close to blogging anonymously, or under pseudonyms, or making up stories to get a laugh or make a point. It took a huge leap of faith for us to put ourselves out there and speak openly and truthfully as ourselves and from the heart to people we didn’t know. If you ever read my very first post, you’ll remember that I talked about how hard it had been for me to really embrace female friendships in my life—because I didn’t know how to be vulnerable … and I didn’t really want to be. It wasn’t until I realized I HAD to be vulnerable (and utterly myself) in order to gain the kinds of friendships I yearned for, that the onus was on ME to take that plunge, that I forced myself to re-jig my approach to people. It was painful, like one of those bone-cracking, flesh-chlurping transformations you see on werewolf movies.

But it was worth every contortion, contusion, and muscle cramp. My vulnerability has made me a better, happier, more at peace person. That said, I will also take Ms. Brown’s advice and embrace my pain and loss and disappointment because these things remind me of my humanity.

So now I want to follow her Twitter-lead and ask her question: what makes you feel vulnerable?

I’ll start by answering: of all the fears that make me feel most vulnerable, it’s in the possibility of being rejected. Over the last several years, I have learned to embrace this vulnerability. Why? Because even if you don’t love me, I still love you. I love loving you. Because even if you don’t like my words, I still want to say them. I love saying them.

Deb: I will start my response by saying that I am in therapy. There. How’s that for vulnerable? But in my vulnerability I am strong enough to know it and use it. I have gone to therapy again recently to help me cope with the conflicting and painful feelings around the changes in our families’ lives. And I go because I am vulnerable and I embrace it and I talk through it. I also happen to have a warm, giving, and extremely bright therapist whom I adore. I look at her as my gift to myself.  I go because I want to expose myself to the possibility of internal peace. I go because I want my life to be the very very best life it can be. I admit that it is not, but I also address the fact that I know it can be.

What makes me vulnerable is not trying to grow. Yet even when I only try to exact growth in myself, I am The Hulk. 



65 comments:

  1. Really interesting post. I often try to not be vulnerable. I have had some experiences in life that have hardened me, although I am now starting to remove some of those hardened layers to make myself more open (like when I started commenting on this blog). I have a hard time dealing with rejection (and some of the reject I have dealt with is the type no one should ever have to go through. It was easier for me to just push emotion aside and not show it, not show my pain. But...
    Now, I let it out. I am more open to people and I don't fear rejection as much. Someone is going to say "yes", something is going to work out for the best. Self-confidence is something that I have always had a hard time with and I think that is one of the reasons that I have a hard time being around people. Everyone else seems so much more interesting and smarter and a million other things. I am always surprised when someone notices me, notices my work. Always.
    Anyway, vulnerability...yeah, I need to work on that.
    I liked what you said about loving someone because you love loving them. I have experience with that, for sure. Love is one of those words that I think there is no real way to define it, so therefore people can't control it in any way. Love keeps us going, whether it's loving others or being loved or both. Love is a word that I am careful about using. I think sometimes it is thrown around too much. I love you all (clearly) and I love other people in my life, but I still am careful; it is a powerful word and should be used only when it is meant.
    With that being said, lots of love to you all!! xo

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    1. Using the word "love" is tricky -- because on the one hand, I agree that it should totally be sincere, or don't use it, but on the other hand, it has such enormous healing power if you do mean it and have the courage to say it...even when you don't attach to any outcome about saying it. And Steph, you know we find you incredibly interesting and smart and sincere -- we so appreciate that you've put yourself out there here despite your feelings that you might not be.

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    2. Aww, Barbara...don't make me cry!!
      Yeah, with love, as long as the person saying it actually means it, then I don't have a problem. I just don't like when people use it and don't mean it because, to me, it takes away love's magical powers. I have been in the position where someone has said it to me and I don't think they mean it. Also in the position where they may mean it, but I don't love them so I just don't say it back. I always feel awkward in those situations and just say, "thanks" or if it is a friend that knows me well, I say (jokingly) "I know."
      When I say "I love you," I try not to go into it thinking, "they better say it back." I LOVE them, they can love who they want and if that's me then great, if not, well..I still love them. I think love is about wanting the people you love th=o be happy and if that means they love someone else (whether it's romantic or not) then that's a good thing.
      You know, I have always felt vulnerable, just tried to shake it off. Like I said, confidence is something that I am still working on. I have always been critical of myself; I never wanted to show anyone my art pieces or my writing because I didn't feel like they (the pieces) were worthy of notice. Actually, most people outside of my immediate family have not seen my art. I just don't show it. My pieces also mean a lot to me. I put time and love (there's that word again!) into each piece. I work with chalk pastels, dabble in various paints, pencil drawings, wire, make jewelry, sculpt, and I have one piece that is made of UNUSED toliet paper (sounds weird, but is one of the pieces that I am most proud of. It is sculpture of a plate of food). I have actually won some money and scholarships thanks to my art, including the toliet paper sculpture. My writing is the same way: I have never felt like it was worthy of notice, which is why I was shocked to contacted by a former professor about presenting a literary research essay that I spent a sememster working on. I was asked to present it in front of many local scholars and take part in a Q and A after. I was going to do it but due to a tragedy, I did not take part.
      I don't know...Maybe one day I will have the nerve to show my work to you all! Thanks to Shalaka's paintings yesterday and Deb's mentions of her sketch a day book, I think I will start working on some more pieces!

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    3. Oh I sooo hope you do, Steph. The beauty of art is that it truly shouldn't matter what other people think if you are doing it for yourself. That should really free you up. And doing it regularly also helps so much with stress and such. I'm still so sorry that your issues prevented you from doing your presentation, but at least you were open to the idea! Thinking of you! xo

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  2. Wow I just talked about this yesterday but I feel vulnerable each and every time I put myself out there as they say. I force myself because being alone is so much worse. And yet even in a room full of people I still have a tendency to feel alone and judged.

    Deb there is no shame in therapy Lord knows I've been in and out of it most of my life. I was in therapy coming to terms with my childhood abuse when Sam died in the car accident. I know that I am strong and a survivor but I have never been able to achieve the one goal I need to and that's that I am worthy. I think once I no longer listen to the voices of my past that I have allowed to define me, the better I will be. I think that's what makes us all vulnerable, internalizing what others think of us rather than creating our own definition of who we are

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    1. I have so gone to therapy too! For years. I needed therapy to face (even to accept) my vulnerability. And I came to realize that my vulnerability around rejection came out of a deep belief that I had to be strong for everyone around me. The strong silent type. Boy, was I wrong! Totally backfires.

      Mary, you were so smart to get help about all these issues that are so not easy to deal with alone. I love the discoveries that you've shared here -- and agree (and relate) completely!

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    2. Barbara, I can so relate to having to be the strong silent type. I have always been that way, just came naturally. Everyone seems to come to me when something is wrong, but I tend to close myself off when I am hurt or upset or just having a down day. I try to put on a "happy face" when I am not alone. Honestly, I don't like it when people ask me what's wrong. Some people care, but others just seem insincere so I just smile and pretend everything is fine. I have moments where I literally just break down and let it out. I try not to bottle it all up, but sometimes I do. You know about what I have been going through as of late and that has made it all the more difficult, dealing with it all. It's hard for me to reach out and say "hey, I need you. I need comfort." I try to be strong for others, but sometimes it's nice to have someone there for me, you know? And I do, my mother is there for me. It's the two of us against the world!! :)
      If I start crying now...

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    3. Steph - I do the same thing something one of my therapists called stuffing it. Any emotion I felt I stuffed it away. I told him I often felt like I was holding the door to a closet closed with both hands because I was terrified it would all come tumbling out and I didn't have the strength to go through it all and sort it out. His response was "Mary do you have any idea how much strength it takes to hold that door shut?"

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    4. Wow, so true, you guys! That's why I've had so much comfort with letting it out as it comes -- no onerous door blocking to do! Not everyone is equipped to handle it, but sometimes just the act of purging is enough, no matter what the "reaction".

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  3. Wow...I read your first post.....! I had no IDEA!! In my case...I wanted friends I just didnt get any good ones.......But I still had hope and found a few angels even in that dark time!!...
    But Its so true....what you mentioned here...you just have to BELIEVE...I always say that.....your core beliefs become the basis of your lives....And I think sometimes the vulnerabilities seem to control us because we LET THEM......we make a big deal outta them....and be hard on OURSELVES for HAVING THEM !! Ive been there.....done that...didnt work....so just CHANGED THE DIAL...!!! And I LOVE IT HERE..... still sometimes pick up on that static frequency....But I am glad that I KNOW Ive deviated and I can come back whenever I WANT......Our thought patterns keep changing over times even if we dont want them too...remember the whole quantum post on 'moving to the next level' thing....
    And this is right you just have to ACCEPT them....and they become a non-issue.
    And Deb I am so proud of you...to embrace it....the moment you did....you took control and now it will make you so much stronger honey!!
    And about the question...I think honestly my vulnerability is I tend to think too much sometimes.....and trust me...I changed the dial with that and I realized......
    I think too much negatively = very strong imagination= strong thoughts = strong beliefs.
    So, If I started thinking too much POSITIVELY = POSTIVE MANIFESTATIONS = GOOSEBUMPS = NEW STRONGER POSITIVE HELPFUL BELIEFS...
    and anyone who has this too....why I said STRONGER positive beliefs is because a positive thought is a 100times stronger than a negative thought.....! and a Belief is just a thought you keep thinking.....you just have to change the dial.....and your reality changes !!!! LIFE IS SO MUCH FUN..recently Ive been feeling thats so strongly........
    Awww MAN she is AWWWESOME !!!!! Oh my god.....

    ....This BLEW me away !!!!!!!.......the whole time is YES YES YES. Emotion is so important...thats what Ive been try to say all this time...and you know that Barb.....

    Barb, YOU KNEW THIS WAS GONNA INTEREST ME DIDNT YOU ?????? I know you thought of me.....you dont have to say anything I KNOW YOU did...OH MY GOD......I LOVE YOU !!!! I JUST LOVE YOU.....

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    1. Of course I did, Shalaka! And I also wanted you to know that I'm just reading a book about the brain right now (The Brain that Changes Itself) -- and it is fascinating how it correlates to all the things you say here. Because while we feel better and better when we think and believe positive things, apparently our brain is literally re-wiring itself to accept that! Interestingly, "unlearning" our bad behaviour is harder than learning the good behaviour -- but unlearning is essential to getting the neurons to wire in new ways in order to change those bad habits. Maybe this is why it feels so challenging for us! Brain pain :)

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  4. I know...OH I SO KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN ......And that is because..btw its 6.54....its because....when we learn good habits.....there is a chance when can still catch up with the older frequency.......As long as you are sure that the positive feeling will eventually overwrite the negative frequency..it works......but you dont believe that the negative will stop sometimes which catches us in tough times......And building a new belief is not that hard if you know what you are doing ! Every thought that is ever been though still exist......we cant wipe the past...but we can look at it in a different way..and the change the meaning of it right ?

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    1. I do think it's all about "changing the meaning" for ourselves! Yes. Not always succumbing to old patterns of thought or reaction or expectation.

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  5. I have always been one who puts my feelings out there. I also have dealt with lack of confidence (I think this is more of a woman thing) and I have certainly been vulnerable. But unless you risk and take a chance nothing will happen magically by itself. I am a lover, not a fighter and I can handle confrontation but am not happy around people who think that is a must in their lives. I, too, have gone to therapy on and off for the last 25 years. Now I just go for a refresher course every few years :) as the need arises. I think the hardest issue for me has been betrayal from some of the people I have deeply loved. It hurts and makes one realize how fragile life can be. But I also try and wake up like the sun- smiling and warm and willing to share. As long as I have breathe and good health I will believe in the goodness of others and forgive even those who have betrayed me. I think when we open ourselves up all the possibilities are endless. It has worked for me. Otherwise, why would I be traveling this May to meet some my new friends on facebook and touch and see them in person. I love connections.

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    1. Well said, Madge. I love the idea of the "refresher" sessions. Betrayal is so painful, but I think it comes back to -- after we've taken responsibility for our own actions -- knowing that it's a reflection of them and their needs and not necessarily our own. And we can't wait to see you!!

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  6. Just listened and I found it to be so much my thinking. Thanks for sharing.

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  7. Judgement, failure and asking for help. I'm so absolutly sure that everything I say is stupid. The moment I speak, I regret it. I can't tell you the number of times I've written a comment on this blog, just to erase it.

    OK, I did just that. Wrote out a long comment, explaining myself and just erased it. I'll try again.

    Why should I fear judgement here on this marvelous blog among such amazing people? I don't know, but I do. I'm afraid to try new things that would involve other people. When I did my theater last year, I asked for no help. I didn't want the parents to stay and watch me direct. I was sure they would sit in the back of the theater and, "this lady has no idea what she is doing." I didn't ask my husband for help. I just wanted to work with the kids because if I did badly and it failed, only the kids and I would be the only ones to know it.

    Judgement, failure, asking for help... they go hand in hand, don't they? If I announce I'm going to do something (my children's theater, getting my Master's degree), people are going to judge me. What if I fail? Then, they would really have something to judge and talk about. If I ask for help, then it is because I've failed and I am not strong enough or smart enough to handle my own projects.

    Even when someone compliments me, I feel it must be a big mistake. Surely they are just saying that to be nice, they can't really mean it. We just moved. I don't know anyone in our new area. I'm thinking I might just keep it that way. When I don't know anyone, no one can judge me and no one can see me fail. Ahh, I just want to erase this and forget I ever said it.

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    1. Just did the same thing wrote one comment slightly differently twice because it suddenly seemed stupid to me. Your comment seemed very well put to me, wether you believe it or not(try to believe it!)and makes alot of sense to me. I feel much the same way don't tell anyone your trying something just in case it doesn't work out. I so get it!

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    2. Wow, Erin and Molly, I had no idea that you wrote comments and erased them! You are both so articulate and compassionate and sincere, I never imagined that you might worry about how you sound. That said, I completely relate! It's funny, huh? And yet by writing the blog and finally letting go of that fear I've realized that the people who would judge me harshly don't actually stick around, and the people who relate to me do stick around! So if there's any judging going on, it's all good! It's actually win-win -- we find our kindred spirits like this, don't we?

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    3. it is very late here so i am going to try and keep this short . molly don't worry about making mistakes or asking questions . god knows i have made an arse of myself more times then i can count but it is by making those mistakes , asking the questions i need to ask that i have learned how to do things .

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    4. p.s no human being is or will ever be perfect , as long as you can say i did my best you have done fine . if people are judging you for that it is their problem not yours

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    5. Molly I read all the comments if I have time, and I can assure you that I have NEVER thought you sounded stupid. In fact you sound rather lovely. *Hugs*

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    6. Oh Molly, I could have written exactly what you wrote about people judging you. I wonder if your parents or someone else important in your development early on, belittled you. I know around my house when I was a kid, I did NOTHING right. I was, quote, "stupid, ignorant, didn't know how to do anything, ugly" and frequently was told "can't you do ANYTHING right?". You can't hear that kind of stuff by people you care about and not come out bruised and beaten. I'm by NO means "fixed" but I've gotten better after a.) getting meds for depression, and b) learning how to steer my internal conversations in a more positive direction. We all have internal conversations and rarely are they ever positive. Hard to tell you how many times I tell myself "you can't do that". I've changed it to "you may be having a difficult time with it but you CAN do it". I know it's long, but you're thinking it so who's gonna know besides you, eh? :) It's amazing what that can do for you. Seriously. Give it a try. Maybe change your internal argument to "It's hard but I can do it".... You'll find that you CAN indeed, and before you realize it you'll feel better about yourself. Oh YES you will! :)
      HUGS

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  8. Ok well I started writing a comment re-read it when it was done and it made me feel too vulnerable so I closed the window. Well back to that comment as what I wrote made me really think about the fact that I don’t WANT to hide from my vulnerabilities, I want to be as strong as people keep telling me they think I am and so I’ll give it another shot.
    Not facing my own vulnerabilities is why I own a business. I feel less vulnerable working for myself, particularly owning a daycare as it’s a field in which the demand is greatly outweighed by supply. For me it is a very safe thing to do, I can’t be fired and the need for my business is always going to be here or at least most likely throughout my own lifetime.
    However, and I know this may seem odd, but because it isn’t what I wanted to do when people ask me what I do and I tell them that I own my own business which supports the livelihoods of myself and many others, that contributes to the community in which I live and is successful I don’t feel an ounce of pride. I feel like a fraud and that I shouldn’t be congratulated on the success of what doesn’t seem to have been much of a real challenge for me to do.
    It seems to me that I simply followed the path of least resistance. I’d worked in childcare for years, I knew the business inside and out and I knew it could offer my family a secure financial future. That’s the only reason I did it, it was just the next natural step.
    You have no idea how hard it is to admit this and I feel like a whiny little rhymes with witch for daring to complain about something I should be proud of but am not. This is something I didn’t even realize I felt until I started commenting the first time and suddenly read back and went holy crap is that how I really feel?
    I’ve never recognized before how little I feel I’ve actually faced and how much it bothers me. Yeah there has been a lot of crap in my life and I’ve gotten through it but it wasn’t optional. I’m no stronger than anyone else I’ve just done what had to be done. It doesn’t feel like that’s good enough anymore.
    Oh and yes I’m in one heck of a bad mood today if you couldn’t tell.

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    1. Erin, your honesty is so amazing. I totally believe that if we aren't doing what we want to do (or are "supposed" to be doing), our bodies and minds will completely rebel -- like yours is doing. It's not that you're ungrateful, it sounds like you're finally at a crossroads. Maybe your business isn't a black hole into which you've fallen, but a natural stepping stone to get you to where you need to be one day. (remember steps can be painful!!) You've probably learned a ton in this "comfort zone". I wonder if that can't be parlayed into your next step. You wanna know something funny? I didn't read "bad mood" here at all! I think you're incredibly brave.

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  9. I love this idea of vulnerability as strength. I do think it is how we connect. My TMI policy gets me a few irritated people, but I think more people appreciate my honesty. I guess, though, I am also vulnerable in my oblivion--I tend to just assume things will go well and not do enough to prepare. I am shocked when people don't like me (which really, i shouldn't be) and so I get blindsided sometimes.

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    1. Except who cares if "people don't like you" -- you are living your true self! And from what I know of you, you really are your true self, Hart. And speaking for myself, I always appreciate a person who is honest, gravitate toward them, even if I don't always like what I hear!

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  10. Oh this topic couldn't have come on a better day. I am unbelievably pissed off at the moment. Reason being one of my vulnerabilities. Maybe I should start with that. My problem is not so much what others think of me. I really couldn't care less. My problem is that I care way too much what others care or do for my friends or family. Let me tell you what ticked me off today: My friend is depressed and I have been "there for her" for the past 1,5 yrs. She had relationships during this time which ended badly. Really badly. I can't stand the fact that the guys are still able to hurt my friend by saying something dismissive about her. I would like to go see the guys and tell them to tell those things to me and leave her alone.

    When I was 13 or so, I remember asking my mother: who she considered to be stronger one. Me or my sis. After she said that I would be (I am youngest) I made sure that she understood that I could take it and that my sister needed to be protected. That is what I have always done. I think I got the idea when I was 5 or 6. I am the one that protects our family. Too bad no-one listens to kids. Still I do defend even my mother if someone tries to diss her down. I just can't take it. She is still under my wings (no matter how hard she tried to cut them).

    I actually talked about hugging with my sis today. I was saying how free I feel to give people virtual hugs (well to friends mostly, a bit nervy about strangers) but when someone tries to give me a real hug I freeze and think what the hell are you doing? My sis has two kids and she is teaching them that you can say love when ever you feel like you love something. Me as god parent to both am supprting this. Which raises problems when my niece says I love you and I feel really awkward to say it back. I hope she doesn't notice my hesitations, but learns and continues to use the word.

    Yep, I couldn't care less what people think of me (have been called a hore by relatives. Context was that I was like my mother.) as I just think not all can like me, not all can understand me so why take the pressure to even try to please them. And after I have done the thinking I will try to please people. I think I am lucky that I wasn't able to post this few hours ago, when I was really angry and ready to rip everything open. No just pissed off. Will post this as luckily I can always remove it later :))

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    1. I don't think you'd need to remove this (although you can if you want!) -- it is heartfelt and honest and a great topic of conversation. I totally relate to "being the strong one", as I mentioned in my earlier comment, but I also noticed that I had to break that habit in order to be strong in a way that was healthy. Ironic, huh? Obviously, you and your friend have been through a lot of confidence shakers and that'll be hard to forgive and forget (and maybe you don't need to?), but I do think it's wonderful if you can open yourself to being loved, especially by someone as safe and easy as your niece. Maybe you can practice on her? Trying saying it to her more and more often until it doesn't feel so uncomfortable. She'd be a good one to practice hugs on too. You may never love getting hugged, or you may turn out to be the best hugger in the world and maybe she can help you get there...

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    2. I don't mind if kids hug me and I do like hugging kids. It seems that kids see me as I am. Just can't stand hugging when friends or family does it (or people I don't know). I still do hug people as I see it as a social thing that people do. I just need to practice as you say :)

      I have tried not being the strong one. I only step up if no-one else does. It is not comforting to hear own sister say that she doesn't know how I stayed sane, that I haven't broken down yet. Forgive and forget... oh, man I am waiting for that day to come, like some wait for the sun to rise. I am not patient person, so I want to do it right away. I have learnt that I can't do that. I have to let the "time heal". I have forgiven much already to my mother, but still the huggin and loving are difficult.

      I just do what I've done since childhood. I notice what will bring me trouble, but if it is necessary I'll do it and hope I can fix things later. Like talking with my mother. Usually I am so angry after we have talked that I don't want to do it ever again. But she is my mother and it is expected of me to talk to her at least once in a while, so I do it.

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    3. Ah...I know what you mean!
      I tend to defend the people I love, too.
      I can become extremely angry and aggressive.

      And about the hugging thing. I love to hug people I like. I can't get enough of it. I'm sooo cuddly.
      Maybe because those occasions are pretty rare in my life.

      But I remember, when my friend said: I love you on the phone, I was like...Huuuuuuh? I didn't know what to say.

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  11. Ok...I SWEAR in a past life I was connected to you and Deb!!!!!!

    Holly watched this in one of her classes the other day and told me about it. It is an awesome video!!! I was studying for a test that I had today (and didn't BOMB! Praise be to God!) and for the first half I was reading and listening. During the second half I had stopped reading.

    What makes me vulnerable is...when people see me at my lowest. When I am trying to put up a front and someone says that ONE THING that completely sets you off. Or when someone tries to put me up against my personal code of ethics. This happened on several occasions this summer. My roommates were..."partiers" and liked to...booze. I personally do not like alcohol and restrict myself to one drink on a seldom occasion. I was often told "oh come on" "it'll be fun" "a few won't kill you" "you can't hide forever".

    Number 1: I was defenseless. Number 2: I was defenseless with people I did not know. Talk about a double whammy. But when I look back on my trip I am happy that I actually remember most of it. That was something in that video; numbing feelings. The speaker said people use drugs, alcohol, gambling, etc. That to me was interesting because I believe it is true and have seen it first hand. For some people I know it's just a routine they've settled into. Quite sad.

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    1. It's so true, we do use those things to numb ourselves, don't we? And it's a good start to recognize that we do that in order to break the cycle. That said, I've also seen the "aw, come on, party" refrain in action. I'm glad you were able to resist it even though it sometimes made you feel vulnerable. In my experience, this one definitely gets easier with practice. Although, it seems like you don't actually need the practice! So impressed with you!

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    2. Ah I hate that, too...feeling defenseless.
      And when people try to force me to do something, I don't want...sometimes I am so weak, I don't know what to say. I'm not good at arguing. And I don't want to argue.
      I want people to respect me and my decisions.

      I don't drink alcohol, and my friends just didn't get it.

      But now I always say: Nope, I don't drink. Most people know that and respect that, although some always make fun of it...

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    3. I still do have friends that won't go out with me, because I don't drink. They'll spend time with me when they want to do something that doesn't involve drinking. I can't even count the times I was told that I bring the buzz down because of it.

      Just be true to yourself. That's all you can do.

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  12. Vulnerable?

    1. Adoring someone silently and knowing he'll never see me with deeper eyes. Result: descending into the bowels of loneliness and rejection. (I realize this is completely minor and stupid in the grand scheme of things, but it's the ugly ball of feelings I'm in the middle of right now as one of my very most favorite people at work is transferring away and I'm really irritated at myself for the level of loss I'm feeling. I shouldn't be grieving his departure so intensely. Exhibit A for how much of a stupid shit I am.)

    2. Those weeks when I do the numbers and do the numbers and do the numbers and still can't figure out enough money for both enough gas in the car to get kiddo back and forth to school and sufficient groceries in the cabinets for a voracious teenage boy -- usual result is having to pay a bill late (which is sabotage because then I have to pay a late fee which means even less money *growl*)

    3. Having a chronic, relapsing/remitting, potentially fatal disease and no health insurance. And, finding out a couple of weeks ago that I've come out of remission. This seriously pisses me the hell off because lately I've been doing a really good job of planning a future, keeping an eye on upcoming change, having hope -- basically, wanting to live.

    4. The worst sensation, the WORST sensation, is when something comes completely out of the blue and destroys me --- no warning, no preparation, no information, no bracing myself -- just WHAM! Broadsided! Examples: 1. my ex-husband suddenly saying he didn't want to be married anymore 2. getting laid off from a job with no warning. I can't handle being caught off guard by tremendous, instant, sneaky pain and turmoil. Surprise devastation. The last few years have trained me to live each day (and endure each sleepless night) wondering where the next sniper shot is coming from.

    5. And, speaking of shots, laying in bed at night listening to the escalating gang warfare in this little town. Lately, our nightly soundtrack of gunshots and sirens has intensified.

    6. Knowing that I always end up screwing up interpersonally without understanding what I've done wrong. I always end up alienating someone I care about without even knowing how I've screwed up. It's just inevitable that I'm going to fuck up, cross some line that I didn't even know was there, make some mistake that I didn't even know was there to be made. There's this whole other relationship language that people speak that I not only can't interpret but often can't even hear the gibberish of to realize that I should be interpreting. I always end up screwing up somehow and not even realizing it's happened until the damage is done and I'm left confused and sad and lonely in the blast radius and hating myself a bit more.

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    1. Oh, Rigel, I know you feel all these things and that it's so hard. Of course, I can't possibly fix them or even know what the right thing might be to say right now (vulnerability here), but I also hope for you that you won't beat yourself up whenever things don't go quite as you expect. You're so right, we can't brace ourselves for whatever might happen. That's why I've learned that rolling with punches is much healthier for me than anticipating them. Every terrible thing that's happened to me has been something I could never have imagined. Everything I prepared myself for never ended up happening, so the odds are stacked against us in that regard. This is why, in my own development process, I've discovered that by only owning myself and how I feel can I find any kind of peace. Letting go of "outcome" is the next step. You seem like you are totally on the right track by knowing what you want, who you love, what you hope for and how you might go about getting there. The rest is out of your hands. Sending you lots of love xoxo

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    2. Rigel I have similar issues. You sound very strong, a lot stronger than you believe you are. Hang on to Eddie and fight like hell.
      Hug, Karen
      P.S. I loathe math so I'm on Eddie's side about algebra. :) Hell, I need a calculator to add up a 6 pack.

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    3. Pffft! I'm a math tutor, Karen. Come see me twice a week, and I'll get you to doing algebra in your dreams! :)

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  13. For the record, I want to state that I didn't type the above from my pit. I am not sitting here in my pit today. I was just typing out what's what. Coldly. Clinically. I'm not having a hopeless, sad, weepy stay in my pit. Actually, I'm happily rocking my new glasses today and enjoying a new paperback book that's come out in a series I've been enjoying reading for a couple of years. And, Eddie has no homework tonight. w00t! No algebraic battles with my little math hater! (Which is so weird because I love math. It's so clean and elegant.)

    Anyway, I didn't want to have given the impression that I'm in my pit. I'm not. But, I'm also not going to bluff. There's some nastyass stuff going on. *shrugs*

    Are things better in the grander sense? Yeah. Lots so. But, are they OK? Not really, but they are heading in that direction except for the whole health thing. And, I'm really pissed off at the health thing because it's one hell of a speed bump in the way of the positive momentum I've been savoring building. But, is my reality shiny and happy? No. And, I wasn't going to type out a bunch of fluffy BS. What is is. *shrugs* Talk to me again in 2 years, and if I'm alive, chances are you'll get a different, better answer.

    I was just typing out the facts as they are. My reality. Plain and simple. Typed out the truth. Now, I'm shaking it off and getting back to functioning.

    *goes back to watching Whose Line clips on YouTube while crocheting*

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    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    2. A. I miss watching Whose Line.
      B. I am amused by the fact that you called math "clean". I too am a bona fide math hater.

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  14. OH MY GOSH NO FREAKING WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I JUST watched this video the other day in my capstone class!

    Things that make me vulnerable:

    1. Putting your WHOLE heart into something, even if you don't know the outcome. Case in point: my major. Science in general.
    2. Telling someone just how much they mean to you, and not in a romantic way. That's a HUGE one for me.
    3. Having the courage to stand up for what you believe in, even if you are the only one standing up.
    4. Faith, in God, yourself, whatever. I am graduating from college with a Bachelor's degree in 32 days and I have no idea what I am doing after that.
    5. Letting someone know "Hey, I'm here for you." And meaning it.
    6. Playing with the stray kitties that roam around campus and not caring who sees you.
    7. Going out of your way to try to bring joy to other's lives.

    and many more.....
    :)

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    1. Kelly told us you'd watched the video and passed it to her! How synchronistic is that??? Okay, love love love your list. So purely wonderful. (how is it that our vulnerabilities are so exquisitely beautiful, like eggshells, or blown glass?) Keep going with those!

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    2. WOOHOO! 32 days? Congrats! A degree in science is nothing to sneeze at...unless you're studying sneezing. :) Yay you! You'll figure out what you want to do.
      HUGS
      Karen

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    3. Haha, thank you!!! Through the slew of question marks I sure am grateful for my support systems! :)

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  15. Brene Brown is a very good speaker! (In my head I'm pronouncing that Renee with a 'B' in front, is that right?)

    This is such a good topic, I've actually been thinking about this one a lot for the past couple of months. It actually started with you guys. When I first read the blog I was interested right away and so I went back and read a couple of random posts here and there. I was immediately fascinated not only by your lovely personalities, insights and humour but by the candidness with which you shared your thoughts. I say I was fascinated but really I was enraptured, grateful, comforted and educated by what you had to say. Not only are your posts filled with positivity and non-judgemental thoughts and advice, they're also genuine and sincere. It was in reaction to this and to reading all the comments you had on every post that I opened up to the idea that intimacy can be beneficial - not only for ourselves, but for those around us as well. Along with that realisation came the determination to start applying this to my everyday life. It's a struggle. Sometimes I recede; sometimes I gain ground; and sometimes I sit in the corner of my mind rocking back and forth. I mostly gain ground, though, and I have already seen some good outcomes. I owe you guys a HUGe thankyou and will always remember that you were the ones who brought this to me. But life already has been and continues to be changed by the knowledge you've given me. Oh and guess what one of the first steps in putting myself out there was? ... Commenting on your blog! It was a palm sweating, jaw clenching experience but it has worked out wonderfully so far!

    I've learned so much from you lovely ladies putting yourselves out there, and for that I'm eternally grateful <3

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    1. That's how I pronounce her name, Aimee (for right or wrong). Oh my gosh, your comment made my day! So sweet, thank you. But we always maintain that while this is a forum that Deb and I might present, it's you guys who are doing all your own work. and, believe me, it's been no easy thing for me to start writing all the stuff I've written over the years -- but every time I am relieved and thrilled when my words are out there. Even if not everyone agrees with me. That's the magic. And, again, like with the others here today, you speak so honestly and with such compassion, I would never have guessed that it would be hard for you. But of course, then we all relate to this struggle and take it as a process, right?

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    2. You may try to pass off your due praise in modesty, but I will fight you on this one :). Of course the commentors are absolutely lovely and the blog wouldn't be the same without them. However it was you and Deb who set the tone and who made them feel comfortable enough to join in. The bloggie buddies here have definitely earned a heapful of praise, but this comment was entirely dedicated to you and Deb.

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  16. Whoops didn't list off any vulnerabilities. Now I will (although secretly it's just a plan to commandeer your blog. Muahahaha).

    1.) Admitting that I'm actually kind of ambitious about my dancing career because I know that I'm in the wrong position to actually make anything out of it.

    2.) Telling people I care about them.

    3.) I hate people watching me learn how to do something new.

    ... ok I'm out...

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    1. You are so adorable! A great list. Yes, be ambitious about your dancing career.

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    2. Hi Aimee, I used to hate telling people what they meant to me until someone I cared for very much died. I never got to tell him how he helped me survive all the emotions I had when my father died. I literally went bonkersville for a few weeks and if not for this lovely man I would have taken up permanent residency there. Since then, I hug people and let them know. It's difficult at first but now I just blurt it out and hug them. I figure it's theirs to deal with however they choose. I've come to enjoy watching some of them squirm, especially my guy friends, when I say "I love you". If they look too worried I tell them "oh, NOT in a baby daddy kinda way, of course." They get a giggle and we're okay then. I could go on and on with this topic but I shan't. :) Just be like NIKE and do it. :D
      HUGS HUGS HUGS, Karen

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  17. I've tried to answer this question a few times today, but I haven't wanted to post any of them. I guess talking about what makes me vulnerable is what makes me vulnerable right now. It's uncomfortable for me to talk about vulnerable spots while I'm still learning to maintaining what I have achieved so far.
    My computer can't handle the video. I do wish it could.

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    1. You have been a beacon of vulnerability, Dawn, and its poster woman. Love you for that. No need for more words (unless you want to!). I'm so bummed you can't see the video. Maybe try the link instead?
      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4Qm9cGRub0

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    2. Love you Boom. :)
      Karen

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  18. Barbara,
    I used to be invincible. I had to be. I had to protect my mom and older brother from my father. Of course, I wasn't really invincible, I just pretended to be because the other choices were...unpleasant at best. He was the only person I feared. I worked out and was strong. I acted tough and showed no fear. It meant survival. I fought off several bad relatives and a purse snatcher successfully. Don't mess with ME! That was THEN. Well into my 30's I suffered a back injury and required surgery. I had a lengthy recovery, 3 years of pain every day, and my back has never quite been the same. Since then I've felt vulnerable. I no longer feel invincible. My cape got ripped off and my tights have runners in them. I've used up all the stuff in my power belt, my magic wristbands have tarnished, and who knows WHERE the hell I set down my Isis tiara. I don't like being like this. I was always an "I can do anything YOU can do BETTER, Mr. Man!" kinda gal. No more. Now I'm vulnerable, or as vulnerable as anyone CAN be with a loaded .38 in the drawer and a loaded dog by my feet. (I'm in Texas, we all have guns. I was weaned with a Colt .45 pacifier.)
    Okay, I know you meant a different kind of "vulnerable" but the physical vulnerabilities make me mentally vulnerable as well. I have numbers to call, names of "great therapists". What I don't have is the courage to move. I get close and then that insufferable crazy Itchy-bay in my head takes the wheel and stomps on the brake. "No, NO, Dr. Shrinkwrap doesn't care about YOU, he just wants your money. He just PRETENDS to listen while going thru his To-do lists. He says things like '...and how does that make you FEEEEEL?' and 'ummm HMMmmm', all the while wondering where to have dinner. You are just a nuisance to him. A momentary blip on his radar. Time's up, CHA-ching, pay the man and get the hell out. You don't want that, go back to bed." So I go back to bed. I'm trying though, and as long as I'm still breathing there's a chance I can get better. There's always a chance when your heart is still beating. After all, we're all works in progress until it stops.
    Hugs, Karen
    P.S. I'm not looking for sympathy. Don't or I'll PINCH the fire outta ya. :p

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    1. Also P.S.
      Dear Menopause, you ALSO make me feel vulnerable you....know what you are. K.

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    2. Oh, I totally count physical vulnerability -- it often triggers these other vulnerabilities and forces us to accept help and all those tricky things. I hate that you had to go through all your crap, but I see and hear every day how your vulnerability makes you this extraordinary soul who brings so much to us! I still do think the therapy thing is amazingly helpful IF you find the right person. I discovered that it's not so much in the "them" of them as it is in the thoughts and epiphanies they trigger with their seemingly random questions. It's more like they facilitate you to find your own truth rather than sending you these vibes (false or otherwise) of love and understanding. Geez, I hope none of this was sympathetic -- I have no idea how bad it'll hurt to have my fire pinched out.

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    3. K, you'll be ready when you're ready. Sucks, maybe, but all you can do is all you can do.
      Noodles, my love.

      Dawn

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  19. I'm too lazy to watch the video right now...sorry :/

    I just wanted to say that you two are awesome and I really adore and love you.
    (slighty off topic) The internet gives us the possibility to shout out everything that is on our minds. I never really talk about my feelings or thoughts, but I can write them down. I always try to be honest, and open. Maybe it is strange to pour your inner soul down that anonymous network...but for me it's some sort of therapy.

    So...I am glad that you are so honest and confident and brave.

    I often feel vulnerable. And I hate it.
    I am so insecure when I am amongst other people. I always think they stare at me. I don't let people near me. I am afraid they would see that I am nothing but a loser (don't tell me I am not, because that's how I see myself...). And I hate being rejected, too. I feel stupid, because I'm not a person, who is resentful. I am like you, Barbara...I tell them that I love them, even though they don't love me. But every rejection hurts. And although I try to fight, I'm soo tired of always making the first step. I had a really bad time, when one person tried to break me. He told lies about me, he dissed me, he treated me as if I was shit, and he ignored me. Oh I hate being ignored! Don't you ever do that to me!
    That's why I hardly ever talk to other people. That's why I lost all of my old "friends".
    That's why I retreated myself into my shell.

    When I have the feeling that the other person doesn't judge me, or doesn't care about my twisted soul, and accepts me the way I am, I can be quite a nice person. :P

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    1. I am so with you with the opening up by writing things down. I think it is the best kind of a therapy there is :) I don't mind feeling vulnerable, just because then I feel.

      Just don't make your shell too hard to open ;)

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    2. Great point, Kasku! Becki, I still think that just by being open and engaged on a regular basis you will find those people with whom you truly connect. Don't let a few "bad apples" shut you down. Because, let's face it, there are so so so many people out there who will NOT fit with us. It's about mining for gold. And unfortunately you can't find gold unless you, you know, pull on the gear and sift through a lot of crap for a really long time. I will say this: by opening up and committing myself to the process, I absolutely ran into my own shockingly disappointing connections, BUT I also finally, finally hit pay dirt! (hello, Deb!)

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    3. I know...I think I'm getting better. There was a time, where I didn't care about others...I just wanted to be alone (well, maybe I still want to spend some time on my own - but that's normal, I guess!).

      I do have some friends where I can just be myself...unfortunately they are "online" friends...well, they are my real friends, but they live far apart, and I can't meet them.

      I notice that I am happy and comfortable being with them, because I just laugh and smile the whole time. Being with them pushes my insecurity and shyness away in the deepest corner of my mind...and the real me comes out.

      I experienced that two days ago, when I met a lovely girl from England and a lovely girl from Germany (I traveled across the whole country in one day to see them). I never laughed so much in my whole life...I couldn't stop! It felt sooo good!

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  20. SAMARA: I see your comment in my email in-box, but not on the blog itself. I will copy and paste it here in case it doesn't show up and then reply underneath.

    SAMARA: So interesting, thanks for sharing the video and topic! This whole conversation goes with what my mum has taught me. She always says that whatever shame, secrets, embarrassments and vulnerabilities we have, the best thing we can do is to share them. Chances are someone else around you is going through something similar but thought they were all alone. So if you have the courage to share something about yourself, you could be helping someone more than you know. Or I guess at the very least you're being a truthful person, and I think the less secrets a person has the closer they are to happiness.
    I think Im good at allowing myself to be vulnerable in my personal life, but I still struggle at times. I recently had a miscarriage, and felt so ashamed and useless for a while that I didnt want to tell anyone. To every acquaintance/distant relative/stranger that decided to ask "so why havn't you had your second baby yet? you dont want too big an age gap between kids!" I would make up some lie, or just laugh it off and change the subject. Then I made the decision to start telling the truth, and with a few people we've bonded over a shared shitty experience, and maybe some of the others have realised that they shouldn't ask tactless questions anymore!

    That being said, im not so good at being vulnerable professionally, and id really like to work on that.. I nearly have a panic attack every time I show someone a new painting I've done in case they hate it!

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    1. This has been one of the biggest lessons of my life: learning that by sharing the stories I am insecure about, I very often find that it makes for a very strong connection between myself and at least one other person. That is enormously comforting. It gets a bit trickier when a terrible thing happens to someone you love whose privacy you are asked to protect. Then there's no outlet for that pain and trouble. Now that I've learned the therapeutic value of speaking about my experiences, I find keeping quiet about something quite difficult (not as in "hard to do" -- I'm a GREAT secret-keeper -- but as in "emotionally difficult"). I'm so sorry about the miscarriage. It was a great thing that you found a way to share your loss. For others' sake and for your own. Also, just keep practicing with showing people. Guaranteed some will love. And that will feel wonderful -- and will help you care less about the ones who might not.

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