The Boy, The Girl, And Us

Deb: We just came back from packing up the boy in Montreal. He is finished his four post-secondary years. He is now entering the world of work. His New York years were wonderful for him and he grew as a person in many regards. He learned how to pay bills, care for apartment and self, and he gained a huge amount of smarts and independence. And most importantly he learned how to live alone and like it. To live alone and like it is a wonderful thing. In my twenties I lived alone and adored it. Although I am a very social creature I never wanted a roommate and, as a result, the only thing I had to sacrifice to accomplish this was space. I always had a tiny bachelor apartment, but it was blessedly all mine. The value of enjoying your own company is such a boon to your self-esteem. But, of course, no man or woman is an island, so when the boy got lonely, we would go down or he would come up, either to visit us or the girl.

We are a very close, loving team we three. And although I know he adores us and gets along with us, I also know in my heart what he will want after living independently for so long: to have his own place. I figured this would not happen immediately as he would have to save money, but I knew it would be his goal. The concept of this does not hurt me in the least, nor does it hurt my husband. We understand and remember that fresh feeling of adulthood with its accompanying freedoms. I remember like it was yesterday that proud feeling of locking my very first apartment door with my very first key. Those first months after moving out on my own, I walked three feet off the ground proudly knowing I was coming and going as I pleased and answering to no one but myself. I should add at this point that the “apartment” I was bursting with pride over was so small, that if you stood at the end of my pullout couch when it was a bed, you could both open the fridge and do the dishes.

These last four years have been the “holidays” stage of our lives together where the boy would come home “officially” for holidays and breaks between school and camp councilor duties. The three of us always look so forward to these visits.  So we weren’t sure what these next few years would bring. We knew the boy would be working and writing and trying to start his career. We also thought that he and the girl might be traveling. Then the girl got into the University of Toronto for her chosen course and, well ... long story a tad shorter ... they are moving in with us!  Yes, we jumped at it. There wasn’t even a moment’s hesitation. Not only does the boy love this girl, but over these years we have grown to love her like a daughter.  Add to that, she is leaving her parents for the first extended period of their lives and I think it may help them to know she is being loved and cared for as they enter their “holiday” years.

I also know that they could get a little apartment somewhere in Toronto together. Some little postage stamp hovel to call their own, and I know at some point, they will. But right now we wanted them to have a kick-start home. We wanted them to know that we are there for them as they start phase two of their lives. We have talked over the pitfalls and potential problem areas, as is my wont. I am a great believer in laying out the groundwork so there are as few surprises as possible. As Colin said to them, “We are now officially roommates and as such we treat each other and the host house with mutual respect.” And I know they will. For our part, we plan to live together and let live together. We are making some changes to the house to make it a larger breathing space. Not a renovation, just some strategic moving around of stuff. We want them to feel that this is their home too, where they can entertain their friends independent of us. And we will savour their time with us because we know that somewhere along the line they will want their own little place and we’ll be fine with that. And we will never regret offering them a loving transition.

So we are very excited because there is going to be lots of giggling and love in the house, and it won’t just be Colin’s and mine.

Barbara: So sweet, Deb! Now that I’m seeing the end of “communal living” here—because that is surely what we’ve come to: our girls now share all the grownup chores and act like adults (most of the time!)—I am watching your next stage with interest. On the one hand, we’ve just brought the younger daughter home for the summer (and it is bittersweet for her: she loves being home, she misses her true independence), on the other hand, when she leaves for university again in the fall, our older daughter, the one who has just graduated, will probably be moving out of her childhood home. Quite possibly (and according to her, absolutely for certain), this move will be for good. And so I face the next year with more quiet, more aloneness, fewer dishes. I am not afraid of it, but it does loom. I am sure I will quietly envy your games’ nights and your family meals. Until the holidays, that is, and my own full house again. In the meantime, I will drink in this summer of noise, mess, and laughter!

Working Easy

Barbara: You know that Deb and I have often attributed the success of our relationships to the fact that we don’t take anything for granted and that, despite our loving bonds, we recognize that we have to work hard to keep those relationships growing and stimulated and close.

But what if you also have to remember to “work easy”??? I ask the question, but I know for a fact that we both do that too. Working easy is about letting a beloved’s intertwined life flow around yours and them letting your life flow around theirs. Working easy is about setting aside your expectations of a beloved’s actions and just letting them be. Working easy is not about solving problems, but about listening to them. It adds the “un” to “conditional”. It reminds you that life doesn’t always have to be tackled at a breakneck, list-checking pace (which you know from our recent posts we sometimes forget). It allows everyone involved a time-out to breathe and re-group.

We were so lazy, we forgot to take pics, so here's one I love from last year.

My younger daughter (who’s been away for university) came home for the weekend. It’s been bliss! And we didn’t race around and try to do a million things since this is her one precious weekend home, desperately hoping to make up for all the things she might have missed here (although there was a very little bit of that … because we had to). No, we talked for hours in our pajamas, sipping our favourite tea from favourite mugs. We slept in. We read. We watched movies at home. We had a couple of nice meals out to lessen the mundane load of grocery shopping and cleaning up after. We relaxed… We “worked easy” at reminding ourselves and each other that this is a sweet road to familial love and affection.

Two of my favourite topics that we wrote about are when we shared our marriage stories with you (Deb And Barbara Have A 4-Way) and parenting our now-grown children (What Kind Of Mother Am I?!). I think both of these life-stories succeed thanks as much to easy work as hard. We can get so wrapped up in all the things we HAVE to do for our families (chauffeuring, cooking, cleaning, organizing, orchestrating) and even for ourselves (appointments, schedules, deadlines, dream-weaving, chasing, challenging) that we forget that so much of the best contact and experience comes through easiness. Through letting down our strict agendas that will surely take us toward success and worthiness and personal glory, and sitting back instead and allowing things to come to us in their own lazy, loving ways, no expectations, no rules, no panic of failure.

I know this has been a theme in many of my posts lately. Blame it on a common theme in my life right now. And credit it to the fact that I am trying to listen to my life lessons. And blame it on the fact that, as our daily readers, you have to go on our journeys of self-discovery with us (whether you like to or not!). And credit it to the fact that both Deb and I love to share this stuff with you.

I know that I will still and always have to work hard at lots if not most things in my life. But I want to remember this mantra of “working easy”. I want to pull it out whenever I get overwhelmed or confused. I want to bring it to my creative work—where working easy will always give me my best and truest work. I want to see where working easy—being easy—will take me.

Deb: Working easy! Another phrase I am adding to the arsenal of living. It’s a wonderful concept and easy to adopt. In the world of symmetry (Quantum Physics, anyone?) we had almost a mirror weekend in our home a few weeks ago. The boy, like Barb’s girl, just felt the need for home, to reconnect, to just be in the bosom of family. Colin was away for part of it, but we structured the time so that the boy would have time with both of us. And that is all we structured. We worked it easy and I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW IT! We did as Barb said: relaxed, watched shows together, played on the floor with the dogs and laughed. We ate in however, but we ordered so that it would be relaxing. The yin yang of family worked its magic and it reminded us all why we are the easiest of friends, we three.