Reverse Your Negativity For Fun, Joy, And Valuable Prizes!

Deb: In this very New Year I find myself weary of those around me who just seem to spend their time complaining and negatizing! (I might have invented that word, what do you think?)

I need to be clear that I am not weary of people who have the right to complain about sickness or sadness or tragedy. What I am weary of is the “everything presented to you has a down side” kind of complaining. And the “everyone needs to be reviewed and put down” kind of negativity. I am, frankly, sick to death of it. I have pulled away from the sources of this ugliness to such a degree as I am able. I have backed away from the human sources and computer sources. I find I have no strength for that vibe right now, be it over a coffee with someone face-to-face, or on Facebook, sitting in my bathrobe, viewing the spewing. And I take full responsibility for the part I play in any of this energy and pledge to eradicate it.  Barbara Radecki, the lovely, the talented, my partner in crime and my darling friend is the perfect example of someone who is always positive, always supportive. This energy is what I want in my life all the time. And I will have it. I will accept no substitutes!

Our darling friend, Sean’a, who is a valued and beloved friend to all our Middle Ages Followers, tired of this negatory trend many moons ago and tried something that I am going to follow through on myself. She and her husband discovered a technique that inspired them and which really taught them a shocking lesson I think. I think many or all of us might be shocked by its results. The idea was always compelling to me but only now do I feel that I want to challenge myself to this.  It involves putting several homemade pull-string bracelets on your wrist and with each complaint or negative statement that you make, you switch the bracelet to your other wrist, indicating by days end just how many negative vibes you are filling your day with. Brilliant and simple, don’t you think? I am probably very late to this concept, but what the hell? If something teaches us a lesson, it doesn’t matter when we learn it, right? If you are at all interested, I urge you to try it for fun! Maybe we will all learn something about ourselves and the patterns we all fall into. I think the real surprises may come in not the big complaints but the throw away every day, “Geeze, it’s raining again” kind of complaints.  So I am going to try this lovely experiment and I will attempt to learn from it. I can’t control the negativity aimed at me or around me, other than removing myself from it, but I can control my own negativity. Heeeerrrrrreeeee goes!!! Sean’a you continue to inspire me. Have I said that lately? Xo

Barbara: Oh, oh, oh, how I love this. I do think I’d heard tell of this ingenious little trick a ways back, but I’d forgotten all about it. And I deeply thank you for giving me such lovely credit for my positivity, but make no mistake, I do succumb to the easier wearier way down into drearier negativity. And it is insidious! You almost don’t notice until you notice how people react: you’ve just passed on another downer (and fundamentally useless) bit of information, you’ve added to that negative conversation (thereby spurring it further), you’ve gotten into a snarky, nosy, grumpy rut and people are either playing along like a gang of ruffians, or ignoring you because they’re not down there with you. And then whoa, you realize, Man, I feel like crap, maybe it’s time to shift gears and reach up instead of falling down.

I have one of those pull-string bracelets. I’m gonna get some more. Thanks, Sean’a, brilliant!

When A Nag Is Not A Horse

Barbara: My daughter blurted out a comment the other day that hit a nerve. And while I don’t want to betray her confidence, I did think it was the kind of subject apropos to throw around here for a bit. She had something she wanted to discuss with her boyfriend but was worried she’d come across as a “nag”. This thing she wanted to discuss was neither a demand nor a recurring issue between them; it was more along the lines of a request that he might or might not like. Okay, enough about them. Now to the subject: ARE we nags, or do we FEEL like nags, or do our significant others BELIEVE we’re nags?

And whoa, Nelly, no hating on men, women, significant others, or nags for that matter, equine or other. Just a debate on the difference between how things are and how things are perceived.

Please believe me when I say I am not dissing my husband here—I love him madly, you know that and he knows that––but I will confess that over the years I’ve had my own issues with requests. If I bug him about the tap dripping, am I a nag? If he doesn’t feel like fixing the tap, does he make me FEEL like a nag (meaning, it’s my fault I feel this way) or has he actually ever SAID I was a nag? Honestly, I don’t know!

When I look back over the years, I can remember often feeling that I was a nag, but as I write this I’m not sure if that comes from a literal experience or from my own ingrained response that just because someone doesn’t welcome my suggestions (“Honey, would you mind fixing the tap?”) that their negative reaction turns into a REJECTION OF ME, thus turning the whole sordid affair into an implied accusation that I am a … NAG.

Over the years I’ve gotten a lot better at not twisting people’s responses into indictments against me (it’s win-win, if I misinterpret, I’m an idiot, and if I’m right, I don’t wanna know). But this nag thing keeps nagging at me. And the reason I brought up my daughter’s experience is because I thought their generation might be past all that (especially modern urban creative types). But clearly, no.

So, here’s what I told her—and what I try to tell myself. If you want something, there’s nothing wrong with putting it out there (even if it’s an unwelcome chore). And if the other person doesn’t like it, that doesn’t mean they don’t like you. Even if it takes 200 reminders that the tap needs fixing J

Deb: The word Nag has been around as long as I’ve been alive. And sadly it has always been attached to the female of the species. But I have seen male Nags. And really, to me, Nag simply means someone who is responsible. Someone who wants to get things done that need to be done. Man or woman. It is the person in a relationship that is trying to keep things in running order and keep things looking nice. 

I have witnessed first hand on occasion those who overuse the Nag moniker and they are scary. But my general take on it is that those who are calling someone a Nag, are generally those who don’t give a damn how anything works and are even less interested in keeping it in order.  Do I sound bitter? I have a husband who does more than his share. And a father and a brother who do the same, so I am really not speaking from family experience. My bitterness around this has nothing to do with personal experience. 

I just hate when woman are saddled with these unfair labels and I think that this one has been passed down through generations, which is probably what made your daughter cop to it. There is nothing naggie about this lovely girl.