Secret Revelations

Barbara: A friend posted a question on Facebook the other day that got me thinking. And thinking. And thinking. So much so that I thought it would make an excellent topic for conversation here today.

The question was: have you ever revealed something important to someone only to regret your honesty afterward?

My short answer was: Yes.

Yes, I have over my many years felt the need to share a secret, a discovery, a heart-wrenching truth only to immediately regret it because the response was so … unsatisfying. Painful or disrespectful or just plain “not enough”. I’ve also shared secrets that I later regretted because while the conversation itself may have been satisfying enough, the relationship didn’t stand the test of time, and I was left with that forlorn feeling in the wake of the break, like they’d run off with my baby blanket or something.

BUT…

But. The real truth is that, in the big picture that is my life and my life’s journey, I don’t regret it. Why? Well, because what I needed to learn, what I need to remind myself of on a regular basis, is the healing benefit (for me, mind you, maybe this won’t apply to everyone) of speaking of my most painful experiences so I can, at some point soon, let it go. Let go of the anger, the hurt, the fear, the sadness. I always picture the words coming out of my mouth as small buoyant balloons, lifting the dead weight of my pain, making it lighter, sometimes even floating it away. There is something about the process of revelation that shines a light on my pain, whether it is to myself or to the greater world or to both. Those few times that I experienced that flinching regret after a bad conversation (they didn’t get it, they made light of it, they glossed over it), I found that the horrible sense of betrayal faded much more quickly than I could ever have imagined in the moment. And why? Because I finally realized that my journey to recovery, my journey, period, is in my own discovery, my own growth, my own acceptance of my own truth. And part of that journey is finding THE RIGHT PEOPLE with whom to share my secrets. And part of that journey is “testing” many different people. And part of that journey is realizing that there is not one person with whom I share all my secrets, but different people who are perfect for different kinds of secrets. And, of course, there is also the seeing and accepting that some people are not good for any secrets. Not my problem, but theirs.

At this point in my life, every one of my secrets has found a safe and blessed harbour in at least one very important other heart. But I had to learn how to share. And I had to learn with whom to share. These lessons all required trial and error. It’s as simple as that. We can’t find our diamonds without a lot of mining. Not every effort is going to pay off in the way we want it to. Not every person is going to be perfect for us in every situation.

But it is worth every effort, every heartbreak, every pulled emotional muscle to do this work. It has made me more honest with myself and with others, it has made me braver, more resilient. It has made me a better person in every way. There were some bitter pills in the past, but in the end, they were good medicine for my emotional health.

Still, it does require going on a journey out into the world. With any luck, with lots of honesty, vulnerability and grace, you will find your fellow journeymen.

Deb: A tough subject for me, Barbara. I would love to say I have no regrets in this area, but I do. You see, the problem with me is, I love a good story. I love hearing one and I adore telling one. Sometimes a secret is just too too interesting not to tell. A good friend of mine always says, “A secret is something you tell, one person at a time”.  But I have told tales out of school. I have huge regrets over them and try to heal them bit by bit. But I have also been successful at keeping huge secrets and been so proud of myself, only to have resentment laid at my feet by friends for not divulging. My thing that I try really really hard to do, is to not tell other people’s secrets. I share good stories, but I try not to tell what I think someone else would not want told. I do this with mixed results, I am ashamed to say. But as always, I try. Always try. Sometimes it is best to simply not have the information. Good topic. I think I might have to add to the Dancing at the Shame Prom!

Barbara: Yes, Dancing at the Shame Prom! Here’s a link to this wonderful and fascinating book that our friends Amy Ferris and Hollye Dexter edited: it is a series of personal essays about its writers' most shameful experiences. I just got my copy and we will follow up here when we’re done reading. PS I hope you guys know I was talking about revealing my own secrets, heartaches, and troubles to people!

Deb and Barb Have A Three-Way

Deb and Barb Have A Three-Way With Hollye

Deb and Barbara met Hollye when she arrived on the scene here with her beautiful, heartfelt comments. Then we discovered her wonderful blog, Truth and Consequences, a touching, articulate examination of how we react to events around us, whether they are world issues, community politics, or personal upheavals. Hollye is also a gorgeous singer, which you can discover for yourself if you follow the links on her site.

Hollye as Bunny

Hollye: If you had asked me ten years ago what I’d be doing in my late forties, I’d have said that my two children would be grown and out of the house, I’d be in college finishing that elusive degree, travelling all the places I used to dream about, and finally writing that book I’d always had in my head. I expected to be sipping espresso in a café in Paris, lost in deep contemplation, engulfed in the reinvention of myself at mid-life. But here I am in this bunny suit.

Not exactly what I had in mind, and yet, I couldn’t be more grateful. My life is a clear illustration of that saying Man plans, God laughs.

Here’s where my plans went awry. I had a surprise pregnancy at forty-one (and OH what a surprise). Then at forty-six my college-attending son broke the news of his girlfriend’s unexpected pregnancy. She was also a Japanese exchange student, losing her housing, and they’d need a place to live.

Today we have six people living under our roof. I spend my days chaperoning field trips, changing diapers, rocking the baby, kissing scraped knees and volunteering as the Easter Bunny….

The reality of who I am now is so far from the expectation. Life is funny that way. You ask the universe for apples and you get oranges, but hey, I’m not complaining. Every shock became a great blessing. So on the days that Taylor’s band is rehearsing downstairs at deafening levels while the cat is puking, the dogs are chasing each other through the house, the baby is teething and my five-year-old is hanging from the chandeliers, I take a deep breath and remind myself how quickly these years will pass, and how I’ll yearn for them when they’re gone.

So I guess its no café in Paris for me, at least not right now. But hey––I still wrote that book! I strive to be a writer in the midst of constant interruptions and pre-menopausal memory failures. Yes, it’s hectic, but as a person who loves story, I watch the daily goings on and say to myself I couldn’t write this any better.

Barbara: Hollye, this idea of how we thought we would be versus how things turned out is such a fraught subject, I’m THRILLED you brought it up. My friend Charlotte often quotes me as having said many years ago, “I want an extraordinary life, not an ordinary one.” The good thing about that mantra is that is encourages you to keep going despite any setback, it convinces you that anything is possible, and it inspires you to always shift the lens to change the view when the image isn’t quite what you had hoped. BUT it can also make you overlook the beauty of your ordinary life in all its extraordinariness.

I remember distinctly the idea I had in my head of myself as an adult when I was 10 or 12: a coiffed brunette wearing a spaghetti-strapped white clingy dress holding a mic and singing my heart out on stage in front of thousands. I was SURE that’s who I was going to be one day. It didn’t matter that I was a skinny blonde with absolutely no singing talent whatsoever. What I did do was write, write, write. 

Barbara at 10 doing what she loves best

Later I thought I was going to be an actor, star of screen and stage. This is also when I gave up writing, believing a careless grade ten English teacher who made a point of telling me that I didn’t have any talent. But with visions of stardom dancing in my head, did I go to Hollywood and try my luck? No, I had babies and loved them and loved my cozy life here in Toronto. My husband and I settled in for the count. But that picture kept clinging: me starring in countless projects and always having the opportunity to do this thing I love…. That didn’t quite work out either.

BUT because of that setback, I found my way back to writing. And here I sit, laptop on hand, chatting with you guys, something I COULD never have dreamed, and diving into all that is extraordinary within my “ordinary” life. Like you, Hollye, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Deb: Hollye, I always think we go through our lives hoping to do what we want to do, and in the end we find that we ended up doing what we were called to do. Certainly that doesn’t mean you still can’t travel the world and follow your dreams but clearly there are other pressing things to take care of first.

We figured when the boy left (almost three years ago now) that we might sell the house and buy an apartment in NYC or travel to our passion places. But my Mom and Dad, as it turned out, need us at this time of life and we just can’t go. I had no idea what a gift it would turn out to be. Giving back to them has not even scratched the surface of what they have given to me in my life. I am on an adventure, just not the one I planned.

And for the record, the most beautiful picture of you sipping wine on a balcony in Paris would never compare to the shot of the Hollye Bunny! Makes me smile every time I look at it. But keep dreaming that dream, girl! It will become reality ... one day.

Hollye Dexter is freelance writer, blogger, and author of the memoir Only Good Things. She is also a singer/songwriter with four albums out. She founded two nonprofit organizations, running intergenerational arts programs for senior citizens and teenagers in the Foster Care and Juvenile Justice Systems. In 2007 she received the Agape Spirit award from Dr. Michael Beckwith (from The Secret) for her work with at-risk youth. She lives in Los Angeles with her husband and three children.