Barbara: A friend posted a
question on Facebook the other day that got me thinking. And thinking. And
thinking. So much so that I thought it would make an excellent topic for
conversation here today.
The question was: have you
ever revealed something important to someone only to regret your honesty afterward?
My short answer was: Yes.
Yes, I have over my many
years felt the need to share a secret, a discovery, a heart-wrenching truth
only to immediately regret it because the response was so … unsatisfying. Painful
or disrespectful or just plain “not enough”. I’ve also shared secrets that I
later regretted because while the conversation itself may have been satisfying
enough, the relationship didn’t stand the test of time, and I was left with
that forlorn feeling in the wake of the break, like they’d run off with my baby
blanket or something.
BUT…
But. The real truth is that,
in the big picture that is my life and my life’s journey, I don’t regret it.
Why? Well, because what I needed to learn, what I need to remind myself of on a
regular basis, is the healing benefit (for me, mind you, maybe this won’t apply
to everyone) of speaking of my most painful experiences so I can, at some point
soon, let it go. Let go of the anger, the hurt, the fear, the sadness. I always
picture the words coming out of my mouth as small buoyant balloons, lifting the
dead weight of my pain, making it lighter, sometimes even floating it away.
There is something about the process of revelation that shines a light on my
pain, whether it is to myself or to the greater world or to both. Those few times
that I experienced that flinching regret after a bad conversation (they didn’t get it, they made light of it,
they glossed over it), I found that the horrible sense of betrayal faded
much more quickly than I could ever have imagined in the moment. And why?
Because I finally realized that my journey to recovery, my journey, period, is in my own discovery, my own growth, my own
acceptance of my own truth. And part of that journey is finding THE RIGHT
PEOPLE with whom to share my secrets. And part of that journey is “testing” many different people. And part of that journey is realizing that there is
not one person with whom I share all
my secrets, but different people who are perfect for different kinds of secrets.
And, of course, there is also the seeing and accepting that some people are not
good for any secrets. Not my problem,
but theirs.
At this point in my life,
every one of my secrets has found a safe and blessed harbour in at least one
very important other heart. But I had to learn how to share. And I had to learn
with whom to share. These lessons all required trial and error. It’s as simple
as that. We can’t find our diamonds without a lot of mining. Not every effort
is going to pay off in the way we want it to. Not every person is going to be
perfect for us in every situation.
But it is worth every effort,
every heartbreak, every pulled emotional muscle to do this work. It has made me
more honest with myself and with others, it has made me braver, more resilient.
It has made me a better person in every way. There were some bitter pills in
the past, but in the end, they were good medicine for my emotional health.
Still, it does require going
on a journey out into the world. With any luck, with lots of honesty,
vulnerability and grace, you will find your fellow journeymen.
Deb: A tough subject for me, Barbara. I would love to say I have no
regrets in this area, but I do. You see, the problem with me is, I love a good
story. I love hearing one and I adore telling one. Sometimes a secret is just
too too interesting not to tell. A good friend of mine always says, “A secret
is something you tell, one person at a time”.
But I have told tales out of school. I have huge regrets over them and
try to heal them bit by bit. But I have also been successful at keeping huge
secrets and been so proud of myself, only to have resentment laid at my feet by
friends for not divulging. My thing that I try really really hard to do, is to
not tell other people’s secrets. I share good stories, but I try not to tell
what I think someone else would not want told. I do this with mixed results, I
am ashamed to say. But as always, I try. Always try. Sometimes it is best to
simply not have the information. Good topic. I think I might have to add to the Dancing at the Shame Prom!
Barbara: Yes, Dancing at the Shame Prom!
Here’s a link to this wonderful and fascinating book that our friends Amy Ferris and Hollye Dexter edited: it is a series of personal essays about its writers' most shameful experiences. I just got my copy and we will follow up here when
we’re done reading. PS I hope you guys know I was talking about revealing my own secrets, heartaches, and troubles to
people!
