I'm Not Judging

Deb: I’m not judging. Or am I?

Yes, as it turns out, I am! And so are scores of others it would seem. There will always be catch phrases to jump on. “Happy Campers” comes to mind.  And TV gives us some great ones. “Not that there’s anything wrong with that!”

Lately I have noticed one phrase that has gone viral. “I’m not judging.” I have been using it with self-righteousness for about a year. And proud??? You betcha. Cause you see ... I’m not judging!!! And by saying I am not judging before I say anything proves that in fact ... I am NOT judging. Didn’t you hear me? Not judging.

What a lovely helpful phrase. It is like a get out of jail free card that allows the user to well ... judge.

I REALLY thought it was good. This lovely little phrase set me up as a fair and unbiased person. You are gossiping? Not me. I am NOT JUDGING. Except as it turns out, I was judging. I was using the catchphrase as an excuse to judge. As a prelude to a judge. As judgie foreplay. Judgie mcjudges alot! And no one was more shocked than I to discover the truth behind this false proclamation.

So I have come to a conclusion about this overused phrase that has been my stalwart go-to. There are only two times you can use the phrase “I am not judging” and really get away with it. One is when you say “I am not judging” and then you let lose with a litany of over-the-top judgments! This is good. This is irony and we love irony. Irony is ironic and it makes us laugh. The second time is when you say “I’m not judging” and then say nothing else. People will wait for your judgment with baited breath as they have come to expect it following this judgie disclaimer, but you will not follow through. Because you are REALLY not judging. Said it. Not judging. Nuff said. Not doing it.

I guess I fell into the trap of thinking if I said “I’m not judging” that people would take note of this and think I was a really really nice person. Look at her. Wow. She is not judging. I was wrong. If you are really not going to judge, just don’t. I am trying very hard not to. But sometimes I do. If you are, that’s fine too. Judge away. Judge yourself into a stupor. But don’t use the poor “I’m not judging” as your henchman.

From now on if I judge, I judge, although I will do my damnedest not to. And if I am not judging, I will just not.  But if you want to continue saying “I am not judging” even though you are judging, please don’t worry. I am not judging. 

Barbara: It’s true, Deb!! We use this phrase ALL THE TIME without even thinking, don’t we? How about “no offence”? Have you ever used that one? Not necessarily directly to someone, of course, like: “No offence, but your outfit sucks” (although I have been privy to that degree of “no offence”), but more in the vein of: “No offence to people who like liver, but it’s seriously disgusting.” Aren’t I still being offensive? And do I really need to give offence of any kind, even to weird liver-lovers? No, Deb, I’m with you––I’m going to try not to "judge" or give "offence" anymore. 

Unless of course I’m being ironic.

Big Little Dig

Barbara: Yesterday, my husband and I were going out for dinner and my youngest daughter was going to be home alone until the older one came home from work. I went into M’s room to say goodbye and asked her to remember to tell S when she came home that there was dinner in the fridge. Except I preambled that request with, “Don’t ignore your sister like you usually do when she gets home.” M stopped and looked at me sidelong … then wondered aloud why I needed to add the “dig”. And, she wondered, why did “digs” so often have to accompany our parental requests? Couldn’t we just ask her to do something and leave it at that? 

I hedged and stammered and thought and considered––because M ALWAYS wants an answer. And then blurted that I thought the “digs”, as she called them, had something to do with the fact that we so often ask her and her sister to do something—and they so often DON’T do them, even with several reminders, so we resort to “strong-arm tactics”—like the aforementioned “dig”. 

Well, M, in all her old-soul glory, pinned me with one of her eviscerating, penetrating stares and carefully reminded me that she was still going through adolescence and that, while she knew she could often “be a bitch”, these digs hurt her feelings and, more importantly, had a cumulative negative impact. 

Hmmmm. Can’t argue with that, right? 

Left me feeling a little … careless. 

Deb: Nothing worse than a teenager with a good point. Should be against the law.

However, the next time she gives you “eyes on the ceiling” or a sarcastic comment ... you got her, baby!!!!!!!!! 

Barbara: True dat!