Random Acts Of Christmas

Deb: This season of gifts has started early for us. Our front steps had lost their adhesive cement glue and had fallen forward leaving part of the steps without support. Things were busy and although it was on our list of “calls to make”, we had not yet gotten to it.  We came home after a particularly busy day to see our front steps re-plastered and held up with support wood wedges and bricks. Apparently, Otto, the lovely man who did the steps two years ago, had driven through the neighbourhood and seeing the crumbling steps, set out to fix them without charge. When I called him to thank him he said he was just standing by his work and ... Merry Christmas.

Last night I had to go to a party alone as Colin had a gig in Tennessee. I resolved to take a cab and had grossly underestimated the cost upon arrival. I decided that being at this party was worth the cost and let it go. When I was getting ready to leave, two of my dearest friends, Steven and Trish, insisted and I mean INSISTED that they drive me home. Now to really understand the generosity of this gesture you have to know two things. One, they live two blocks from the party, walking distance. And two, I live a forty-minute drive away. But insist they did, so we set off to their home first to see their tree. It is a STUNNING tree and brimming with their family tradition of each family member buying a different mercury glass ornament each year. I got to spend rare precious extra time with them hearing great stories from their lives that I don’t often get to hear. It was sweet on every level.

I received a call from my cousin Anne yesterday saying that she is cooking up a storm for my parents and dropping it down to them and having a visit. My dear friend Sandy called today to say she has frozen bags of homemade soup for Mom and Dad and is on her way to visit today. Sigh.

And finally, the kindness that each hurried, harried shopper shows my Dad as he shuffles along or blocks the aisle of the market or stands in the doorway by mistake. I have experienced nothing but smiling empathic faces, kind words, and thoughtful gestures. In fact, I have been overwhelmed. They have given me, by example a reminder to slow down and value my errands with my Dad, and to not make him feel rushed no matter what I have on my plate.  Sometimes we forget how affecting our own acts of kindness can be and, as with my Dad, I have seen their rewards in his grateful thank you at the end of a fun day.

Have any of you received any random acts in the midst of the season that sometimes gets a bad wrap?

See what I did there? :-)

Barbara: Great stories, Deb! And great question.

I think the seasonal event that often gets a bad “wrap”—love that!—is the Christmas party. I admit I worry that I’ll be left in a corner, not knowing anyone, not knowing what to say. You know—the outsider of the cocktail party cliques. On Saturday, my husband and I went to a Christmas party where the only person we knew was the hostess. And, of course, she was going to be busy … being the hostess. But she is so lovely, so we decided to suck up our reticence and go make merry. And lo, everyone at the party was lovely and open and curious and interesting. We had a great time. I think good party etiquette is a lovely random act of Christmas. 

The Kindness Of Strangers

Barbara: I had to wait for my daughter the other day because she had an interview in an out-of-the-way place and needed me to take her there and home afterward. Thing is, the interview might last anywhere from half an hour to a couple of hours (as luck would have it, it took two). Now I’ve been wading through an intensely difficult and distracting revision of a 300-page manuscript, so decided that I would ensconce myself in the nearby Starbucks and get some work done.

It was snowing out, just climbing up from a frigid -20, and I didn’t like the look of the cold, hard-backed chairs that I could have chosen. I wanted plush and cozy. Well, wasn’t there a nicely plush and cozy chair right next to an older gentleman––Stranger––who was enjoying his coffee and was deeply immersed in the local paper. I asked if he minded if I sat in the chair next to his; he said of course. I pulled out my computer, and off I went, plunging into the dark world that I had created and was now irrevocably changing. 

Twenty minutes passed and then Stranger, apropos of nothing, very gently asked me what I was working on. Now, this happens to me a lot at Starbucks. Older gentlemen, friendly, curious, possibly retired men enjoy engaging the people around them, and a light-hearted question is often thrown my way. The ensuing conversation usually lasts just minutes and I’m always glad I’ve partaken. It’s the real-life version of blogging or Facebooking—getting to know a little about a fellow human being that you wouldn’t otherwise get to know. And older people who try to engage you are always ALWAYS fascinating. They have so many stories, such a wealth of experience, and––if they are compelled to talk to you––are probably pretty good raconteurs.

No different with Stranger––yet Stranger was utterly different. He was a retired sociology professor and, MAN, did we have a conversation. We spoke about everything from my work to his work to marriage to love to our tribal natures to world politics (which I know very little about, but with the incredible catch that he was an Israeli dedicated to sustaining the Jewish faith in modern times and I was of German descent who struggled with guilt issues).

Anyway, long story short: I met someone incredible in that Starbucks who I would never otherwise have met had I been closed off to human interaction. So this is one part shout-out to my new Friend (who has no idea I’m blogging here), one part encouragement to you to lend an ear to a wise person, and another part pat on my own back. You heard me: ON MY OWN BACK. I’m not ashamed to tell you––in fact I want to shout it to you––that, yes, he was a kind stranger, but so was I. And I feel immensely, incredibly lucky that because of an initial kindness, his by letting me sit next to him, mine by letting him interrupt my work, my world opened up plus one.

I just had to share that with you.

Deb: Barb, the kindness of strangers is one of the many things that can make my day. I can strike up a conversation with a can of soup and have been known to do so. I love love love chatting with people and having moments of connection. My Mom, Dad, and brother are all like this. It is the only way of being I have ever known and it is glorious and satisfying. We all have the uggers moments in our day where people behave badly, so it is gratifying and life-affirming when we interface with a lovely face. 

And The Meek Shall Inherit The Earth

Barbara: Two disclaimers: 1) I am not nor have I ever been religious, so if I screw up any biblical references (see title), please forgive; and 2) I recognize that I live a middle-class, comfortable life and, as a result, have limited experience with the dark side. 

Deb and I already chatted about the Human Spirit and Human Kindness because we are so moved by it. And I think it’s a good subject to come back to. I am by nature an optimist, but lately I have found more and more reason to embrace that optimism—even as the world goes to hell in an oil-smothered, privacy-adverse, poverty stricken hand-basket. Terrible things are happening around the world––and will continue to do so, I’m sure. From wars to environmental catastrophes to financial crises. But has anyone else noticed how we seem to be pulling together like never before? There seems to be a sense of communal GOOD rising up and reminding us that we can handle anything if we stick together and take care of each other. 

Not that there aren’t terrible stories of crime or power-mongering (and always will be), but people seem to be less shy in expressing their non-violent objections. And in developed countries, this seems to be the most effective strategy possible. I noticed it first in small ways. I am new to the whole modern world of chat-rooms, blogging, and social networking. But when I joined my first discussion forum, I was surprised to see how polite and considerate hundreds of strangers from around the world were to one another. Everyone was universally kind and conscious of social decorum, even while expressing their own opinions and beliefs. And if anyone stepped out of line through crass negativity or rudeness, they were gently but firmly told to back off. It wasn’t long before the jerks either apologized and played nice, or retreated back from whence they came. And I’ve seen this same phenomenon on every one of the blogs or forums I’ve since explored. 

Deb made this comment in response to other comments on Spitting Mad just the other day: “The degree of separation always makes me sit back for a second and go ‘wow, the Internet!’ I know it gets tons of flack, but what a miracle in our lifetime to really connect this quickly and frankly with other people from all over the planet.” So true! 

And the power of nice has worked on the big guys too! Look at BP. They have had such a steady stream of suspicious anger leveled at them that they are trying desperately to come across as concerned and responsible citizens, instead of tantrum-throwing three-year-olds who hide their faces in their hands and pretend that if they don’t see us, we’re not here. Or look at Mark Zuckerburg, founder and CEO of Facebook—he felt he had so much power that he could do whatever he wanted with our privacy. He didn’t care. But the gentle backlash of the Good But Angry People washed so quickly and irrefutably over him that he has been forced to play nice––“I want to be the good guy”––and change things. He wants to be on the side of right. It seems that most people do. The good majority of the population seems to have found its voice and its power. And maybe the more our world gets smaller, the more kindness and caring will insinuate itself into every sphere. Because it works! And so, the meek shall indeed inherit the earth, as promised. Took a millennium since the prophecy, but I think—believe—we are on our way. 

As long as we don’t let the power go to our heads, bwa ha ha…. 

Deb: I live in the world of Pollyanna and Doris Day, so I am always at once shocked and elated by human behaviour. I totally agree that we are making progress in many, many ways. I know that there are parts of the world where things are a nightmare, but there are people living those nightmares who are still optimistic and that is the precious bottom line.

I have made a decision since the new year, right or wrong, and it is working for me. I have stopped reading bad news. Like the Witch in the WIZ: “Don’t you bring me no bad news!” For real. I am done. I have not watched TV news since one week after 9/11 and I have stopped reading the front section of the three papers we get every day. I have decided that if I cannot get off my butt to do something about these things, I am not reading about it. I am sick of hearing of random killings, children and animals being abused, invasions, wars and their atrocities, and the list goes on. Cannot and do not want it in my psyche. So right to the “LIFESTYLES” section go I. 

And look, there is “a nine-year-old who has raised money for cancer with earnings from her lemonade stand.” … Bliss.

And Human Kindness

Barbara: Since your post, Deb, about the Human Spirit, I’ve been thinking a lot about Human Kindness.

Do you ever wonder if maybe there would be more acts of kindness if people had a set of rules they HAD to follow? You know, a “Human Manual” with instructions to help you cope when things go awry. Something like: if someone collapses in front of you, you 1) approach them 2) find out if they’re okay 3) if they’re not okay, call 911 or get someone else to call. Or something to that effect.

I know this is probably second-nature to the kinds of people who read this blog, but I can’t help having a sort of wild faith in those people you hear about (or see on video surveillance footage) who walk past that guy who’s writhing on the street. What if it’s that they just DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO and not that they don’t have it in their hearts to DO SOMETHING? Maybe for them it’s a terrible moment of panic and impotence instead of apathy. Maybe our fight or flight response also applies to our reactions in the face of other people’s adversity (whether it’s witnessing a crime or hearing that a friend has cancer—and either responding like a mensch or slinking away and ignoring it).

And I think this division between those for whom kindness is easy and those for whom it needs to be learned can be found around the world, regardless of personal history. And KIND people generally outnumber cheek-turning, mean-talking, need-to-consult-a-Human-Manual Apathetics.

Recently, I heard from my cousin who’s peacekeeping in Afghanistan and he told me that the locals there have no desire to fight, but just want to live their lives and feed their children. Most of them go about their days showing respect and hospitality to both “sides”. It reminded me that no matter what our backgrounds, we have so MUCH in common. And our expansive love and kindness can be found even in the least fertile places.  



After all, it’s like that scientist said: there is greater diversity in the DNA of a handful of snails than there is in the entire human race!

We are (or can be) so much better than our press would have us believe.