My Little Meno Pause

Barbara: Today I don’t have an in-depth issue I need to get off my chest, I don’t have an idea or a rant or a plea or a story for you. I just have my own little real-life experience and I want to share it with you. Mostly in the hopes that you will share your stories with me, or that in sharing our stories we’ll help our younger generation see that it ain’t so weird or scary or verboten to talk about this.

If you’re wondering why I use the adjective “little” in the same vicinity as “meno” (because how can a “meno”-anything be “little”??? Menopause means another life-changer, another milestone, another major turning point, right?). Well, I’ll tell you why. Right now at this moment, it feels little. It feels subtle and gentle and mostly like an unassuming thing behind me, politely tapping my shoulder to let me know it might be barreling by in a moment.

Okay, so here’s the scoop. I am 48 and I just missed my first period. Or rather it was 10 days late. Now I am totally accustomed to a short, robust cycle: every 25 days, announced with potent PMS (a foggy, vulnerable fatigue in my case), in and out with reliable predictability. To wait 10 days for it was a bit disconcerting. The 2 periods before that—while right on schedule—were milder forms of my usual. I feel … okay. By that I mean, I feel fine, but not as light and easygoing as I am used to. But that could be any number of things. That said, I am actually going through a really nice time right now, with my beloved daughters both home, with some very exciting work prospects developing steam, and with my sense of worth feeling pretty stable. For all intents and purposes, I should be feeling GREAT. But … but … to be honest, there’s this strange pervasive … melancholy? No … restlessness. Or … uncertainty. I don’t know if there’s a connection here, but I thought in fairness I should throw that truth into the pot and mix it around. I’m not scheduled for my regular doctor’s checkup for a couple of weeks. So what do I do in the meantime? I turn to you guys, of course!!

I have 2 massive “women and their bodies” type books sitting on my bedside table. But who has time right now to read a 600 page TOME? I just want a short and sweet discussion of what your own experiences have been like when you approached this stage of your lives (or when someone you love did). Is this a slow change? Or will it happen so fast I won’t know what hit me? Please, any words of wisdom, wile or comedy would be greatly appreciated!

Deb: Oh where to begin? You know my mind raced when I got this email. What do I tell her? How do I support her? And then I thought, you know it is soooooooooooooo individual, so different for each woman. But I will say this—my menopause was not good and not easy, but it was very fast—two intense years. Yes, I was sure I was losing my mind. Still. Yes, I was sure I was losing my mind.  And so I owned it and I worked it. But now, even wayyyyyy before now, it was a distant memory. I am available, my darling friend, for private coaching. Not only available, but sitting and awaiting your call. So let’s do it. In the meantime: “it’s not your fault, it’s not your fault, it’s not your fault, it’s not your....”

Empathy

Deb: We have a number of people in our life who struggle with their mental health. They have their individual journeys that may or may not include drugs, treatment, electroshock therapy, depression, elation, personality disorder, panic, fear, shame, self-loathing, hope, prayer, bargaining, thoughts of suicide, attempts at suicide, suicide.

A few months ago, our good friend Barb took her own life after years of anguish and despair. A few years ago, my young cousin killed himself at the tender and promising age of 16. He went fishing, as was his passion, and hung himself from a tree with his fishing line. Fishing was his greatest passion and yet his pain was so enormous that he ended his life while doing one of the only things he loved. For him and the way his brain was wired, this moment of fishing was not good enough to keep him here.  And the worst thing is, he couldn’t help feeling this way. Heartbreaking.

Their deaths reminded me that although I have had a firsthand glimpse into the world of mental issues, I am miles from fully understanding it. But I also realized that I do not need to fully understand it to feel empathy. We do not have to grasp the exact biology at work inside the body of a person dying of cancer to understand that they are dying. But we can and do empathize with them. Why is it not the same for mental illness? Why do we still think that mental illness is some sort of ruse?

With both these deaths­­––my cousin and my friend––I heard the same things over and over. “Why did he have to go and do that?” “How could he do that to his Mother?” “Didn’t he think of the person who would find him?” And: “What’s she got to be depressed about, she’s got a beautiful home and a husband who loves her?” “She should just get out and take a class or take up a hobby?” “She says she can’t get out of bed. I told her to force herself!’ This is, believe me, just a small sample of the shocking things I have heard.

I am not saying that these comments aren’t sometimes well-meaning, but they are given as a result of ignorance. Suffering from debilitating depression is a far cry from being depressed, as most of you know. I thank God I do not suffer any of these things, but I had a microscopic glimpse into depression, panic and anxiety during menopause and I for one gained a new respect for those who struggle fiercely every single day.

I heard a comment recently that left me stunned. “With all the innocent babies dying in the world, I think it’s disgusting when people expect sympathy for depression.” Wow. That statement made me so sad. It was so off-base and so without empathy. I couldn’t kneejerk as I usually would have as it was not the time or the place. But I did speak to the gentleman quietly at the end of the event and said that I know him to be a compassionate person and that I was certain he would feel differently if he learned something about depression and about mental health in general. I am happy to say that he was more than open to my plea.

Mental illness is a jail sentence. Your prison is your body, the jailer, your mind. Some people are lucky and find the treatment that works for them. Others search all their lives to no avail.

All their lives! Can you imagine?

I have one friend who wakes up each day and for a tiny teasing second, she thinks maybe, just maybe, it is going to be a good day. Then it hits her in the gut, and she claws her way through her bedclothes just to put her feet on the floor.

Empathy. It’s in all of us.

Barbara: Deb, this is such a difficult subject and I’m so glad you brought it up. Obviously, we can’t do it full justice in such a short post, but I definitely need guidance in this arena and this is as good a place as any to share our experiences and maybe find some common ground.

I am an empathetic person. Very very empathetic. Sometimes to my detriment. But so am I hard-wired to want and try to “make it better”. This often means offering advice or what I think of as possible solutions to emotional conundrums—whether people want it or not. The truth is—and you, Deb, have opened my eyes to this perhaps more than anyone—I don’t at all know what to do or say to someone struggling with serious mental illness.

I too have known people who have taken their own lives. It is devastating and confusing and heartbreaking for all involved. “If only we’d known…” But then what? If someone who struggles with mental illness can’t be cheered or can’t cheer themselves out of it, is there any form of helping hand we could have offered?

Deb has often reminded me that the best form of help is in the listening. As hard as it is to resist offering advice, it might be best not to. Often this kind of depression is relentlessly cyclical: good days followed by bleak pleas of “Why me? Why this? Why now?”. Possibly the only consistently successful offering in these dark times is the simple assurance that “it will be okay.” Because, like so many modern philosophers are saying, “In this moment, you are okay, and so shall you be okay in each moment that follows”.

And that, in a nutshell, is how even the most optimistic of us survives the ride.

The Helping Hands List

Barbara: On Deb’s Monday blog-post—her heartbreakingly beautiful tribute to a marriage through “worse”—Katie May gratefully acknowledged Sheila’s efforts and the example she was setting for her daughters, but also noted that: “One might think that her behaviour was ‘just natural,’ but believe me, it is not as common as one might assume.” It got me to thinking that sometimes we know what to do when our loved ones are going through tough times and sometimes we don’t.

So let’s powwow for a bit about what we think are the best ways—from a friendship point of view––to help each other when things are bad. (Yeah, I think it’s a rule that spouses and children do whatever they can for their ill loved ones, especially those on deathbeds. Doesn’t matter how hard it is. These are our peeps, our tribe. ‘Nuff said.}

So this is just a little suggested “bro/bra code”. Most of us aren’t called upon to help out our friends––to really be there––more than a few times a year. If times are really bad, maybe a month. And when you think of it that way, well then it’s just a handful of generosity within a whole world of it. We have it to give and it is the simplest thing, even if—for reasons I viscerally recognize but don't fully understand—we often think it is more than we can “handle”.

So while these might be painfully obvious to some, let’s offer some guidance to those for whom this is unfamiliar territory (for any reason from inexperience to self-consciousness). Some of the ways we can help each other get through the worst:

1)      *  When someone we know is struggling with a particularly hard slog, we can call and check in regularly.

2)        *  We can make a dinner. Or bring the baked goods. If we’re very well-organized or part of a bigger circle of friends, we can even time our dinners so they don’t all come on the same night (or we should make sure there’s room in the freezer if that’s where they will go). Our friend may not like our offering, they may not even get around to eating it, but even so, food is a balm and a comfort, and if it is eaten, it’s one less chore. (I once brought a few dinners to a neighbour whose mom had just died only to taste one of my usually reliable curry dishes AFTER THE FACT and realize it was actually kind of icky. Sigh. Although the pie––baked by my younger from scratch––was heavenly.)

3)      *   If we bring flowers, we could already vase and water them. When you’re exhausted, the last thing you want to do is unbundle and snip and search for stemware and … well, you get it… 


       *   We can ask our friend if there’s anything about their situation that confuses them. And if there is, we can make a few preliminary enquiries for them, or we can be there with them when some diagnosis is made or some directions are given so there are two sets of ears. 

5)       *   If news needs to be spread, be a list-maker of the need-to-knows. This is a relatively simple task but it’s often overlooked. Just like that good friend who somehow didn’t find out that your mom was in the hospital. Overlooking people makes the person who already feels bad feel even worse. Even if no one in this world would blame them.

6)      *   We shouldn’t forget that pain is incredibly cathartic—we will find ourselves laughing hysterically as often as we’re sobbing uncontrollably. Both are okay.

7)       *   If we really don’t know what to do for our friend, tell them and offer to do “whatever”. It usually depends on the friend. Some people have issues around accepting help (formerly guilty-as-charged, have since kicked that issue to the curb). We want to urge our friend to yield. Because it will be better for everyone (the giver and the givee).

8)        *  We shouldn’t be heroes. It’s not our time to shine. Fade into the background and be unobtrusive, gentle, kind.           

Add your own ideas to the list. Spread the word. We only have each other for better and for worse and no gesture will go unappreciated (even if the curry is icky). ( … I don’t think…)

Deb: Barb, what a great idea this is. I have lived and learned through too many crises to count, the things that work for the people who are suffering and the things that don’t. And given that I am doing just this right now for my dear friend, here are some dos and don’ts (in my humble opinion) for this.

* When taking food, spring for some tin foil containers or plastic containers that you don’t want back. There is nothing worse after receiving gifts of food than having to clean and figure out who brought what dish ... and RETURN IT to them!

* When visiting the home of a friend who is going through a crisis, look around. Do the dishes that need doing, check if a meal needs heating and serving. Can you clip a dead flower of a floral gift or water the fresh flowers? I always just do these things without asking because often the person will decline if asked but secretly hopes someone will do it!

* Listen.

*  Try to resist comparing crisis stories unless you think what you have to add will be helpful.

*  Human touch is welcome––hugs are worth millions.

* I am not a cook. I have one dish I make and cookies, so with my wonderful and talented friends who do cook, I do the pick-up and delivery.

*  If you have a gift to offer, it’s great to think outside the box.

* Do a phone chain or an email chain. Sometimes with older people who need to know what is happening, we forget they are not on email.

* Don’t forget that laughter is the best medicine!

* If your crisis involves a funeral or travel in anyway, offer to pick up people who may need a ride.

That’s all I can think of right now. I am sure you guys out there have a million others? 

And Human Kindness

Barbara: Since your post, Deb, about the Human Spirit, I’ve been thinking a lot about Human Kindness.

Do you ever wonder if maybe there would be more acts of kindness if people had a set of rules they HAD to follow? You know, a “Human Manual” with instructions to help you cope when things go awry. Something like: if someone collapses in front of you, you 1) approach them 2) find out if they’re okay 3) if they’re not okay, call 911 or get someone else to call. Or something to that effect.

I know this is probably second-nature to the kinds of people who read this blog, but I can’t help having a sort of wild faith in those people you hear about (or see on video surveillance footage) who walk past that guy who’s writhing on the street. What if it’s that they just DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO and not that they don’t have it in their hearts to DO SOMETHING? Maybe for them it’s a terrible moment of panic and impotence instead of apathy. Maybe our fight or flight response also applies to our reactions in the face of other people’s adversity (whether it’s witnessing a crime or hearing that a friend has cancer—and either responding like a mensch or slinking away and ignoring it).

And I think this division between those for whom kindness is easy and those for whom it needs to be learned can be found around the world, regardless of personal history. And KIND people generally outnumber cheek-turning, mean-talking, need-to-consult-a-Human-Manual Apathetics.

Recently, I heard from my cousin who’s peacekeeping in Afghanistan and he told me that the locals there have no desire to fight, but just want to live their lives and feed their children. Most of them go about their days showing respect and hospitality to both “sides”. It reminded me that no matter what our backgrounds, we have so MUCH in common. And our expansive love and kindness can be found even in the least fertile places.  



After all, it’s like that scientist said: there is greater diversity in the DNA of a handful of snails than there is in the entire human race!

We are (or can be) so much better than our press would have us believe.

The Human Spirit

Deb: I had a good juicy rant about rudeness all prepped for today’s blog … and then something happened to me. I was all at once enveloped in the human spirit at its best. I participated in a walk that I have done for a few years now called Meagan’s Walk, which ends with the world’s largest hug as we gather around Sick Children's Hospital in Toronto and hug it. Families and sick kids stare out the windows to watch and let the big hug of love wash over them.

Each year, I am moved beyond words. I walk in gratitude for my healthy child, but there are too many walking for the memory of their lost babies, and others walking with hope for their children who are fighting for their lives. Mother’s Day was the ninth annual walk, but this one had extra poignancy as it was the tenth anniversary of wee Meagan’s passing.

It always moves me to see the ambulance driver who took Meagan to the hospital that one last time. He shows up for the walk every single year, smiling and handing out candy from his ambulance. And then there’s Meagan’s mom, Denise, pushing through her grief to help and comfort others with her huge can-do spirit.   

Human beings at their best kill me. Their capacity for compassion and empathy is bigger than air. And when we are lucky enough to witness it or be a part of it, we are filled to bursting. I was giving Swarovski crystal butterflies to the mom’s of the kids in the hospital, and one lovely young mom told me that her child was losing his eight-year battle and would die that day at ten years of age. Mother’s Day. With tears streaming down our faces, we stood there hugging and weeping. Two strangers bonded by humanness. God bless her and God rest his little soul. 

A Primer For The Middle Ages

Okay, we know that many of you are blog aficionados, speeding along the internet highway in your snappy roadster, stopping in at all the fun places and meeting the most amazing people. But we also know there are a fair number of you who are new to this, cautiously visiting with your tin of fresh-baked cookies clutched in your hands and no idea where to leave them! So if you’re a roadster-type and know all this stuff, then you can just skip to the end of the post for the FUN STUFF.

But if you’re a cautious new visitor, then we thought we might walk you through the few basics we’ve picked up. Oy, talk about the blind leading the blind!

Anyway, for what it’s worth, here goes:

Finding us again: If you like our site, you can “bookmark”  or "favourite" it (top of the page in the toolbar) on your server (ie: Google) and come back with a mere click of the mouse. Or you can go to your “url” feed at the top of the server page (ie that long white oval where the web address shows up) and start typing “t-h-e-m-i-d” (etc), and the feed should give you our site (http://themiddle-ages.blogspot.com/) as an option: just click on it and voila. 

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Comments: Right underneath every post is a discreet little word: “comments”. If you click on this, then you can see how other readers weigh in––and often this is the best part! And, if you want, you can leave your own comment. Start a WHOLE discussion. (But you must "play nice", even if you disagree with us!) To leave a comment, just fill in the square. It will ask you for a profile of sorts, but that is up to you: full name, anonymous, pseudonym. And your privacy is as protected as you would like it to be. The first few times, most people feel shy commenting—but try it and you’ll see how quickly it becomes easy, and how suddenly the world feels like “a cozy place” (as we like to say).

** Edited to say: We've had some issues with people not being able to post comments, so we tried a pop-up window, but that didn't work on our side. If you're having problems, please keep trying. ••

In creating a profile (even with a pseudonym), you can link your name/icon to your OWN website or blog (or any other site you want to support). And that way, every time you comment, your icon shows up and anyone who’s interested can link to you and your stuff. That’s how we spread the blog love … or “blove”!!

Why be a “follower”, how does it work, and will my privacy be compromised? Turns out following is a two-way street. Nice for us as we know you’re out there and reading and we can click on your icon and maybe get to know you a bit too. Good for you because if you have a blogger feed, it’ll tell you the moment we’ve posted something new (on your “dashboard”). And either way, it’s another opportunity to link your profile to your own blog or website. To be a follower, you need to click on the "Follow" icon and it will talk you through the (very easy) steps.

Privacy? We will never pass any of your info over to anyone! But we can’t possibly know all the loopholes that may exist. So … if you’re interested in having a full profile for any of the above reasons but you have concerns, then you can create a free email account (ie: Google gmail or Yahoo) in literally 2 minutes and web-browse using that email address. To avoid missing any emails, just have the new account routed to your private account.

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If ANYONE has any tweaks or suggestions or questions for this primer, PLEASE let us know and we will try to address them. We plan to create a separate page for the primer after this post, so it’s always there for newbies!

FUN STUFF. As that was (hopefully) helpful but (probably) boring, we have other PAGES you can check out (under “More Fun Stuff” in the column to the left) with new posts in WTF?! and SIDE OF SLAW… . Click over to read.

And speaking of which: We would love to hear and add YOUR anecdotes for WTF?! and/or Side of Slaw. If you want to share, email us your story at: radeckirites@gmail.com

Thanks and enjoy!