I Never Get Sick!!

Deb: How often over the years have I heard someone exclaim, “I NEVER GET SICK”? It is

always in response to my saying, “I haven’t been feeling too well”, or “I just got over the flu, cold, leprosy” or some similar claim.

The response “I never get sick” always amazes me for several reasons. First of all, it is clearly their way of saying to you, "I am superior to you. Your inability to fight common bugs makes you my human inferior." It is such an obvious status game and it really gets my goat.

This Christmas I declined to hug an old friend at a party because I was just coming out of a flu and didn’t want her to be exposed to any residual germs. She exclaimed loudly to the general crowd around us that she NEVER GETS SICK! I said, “Wow, I guess that makes me a big fat loser.” She looked as though I had struck her, but she had done this same damn thing to me for years. She never sees how rude and elitist that comment is, not to mention condescending.  But there you have it. She doesn’t see her rudeness and never will.  I was the rude one in her eyes.  But I don’t care. I have had it with this game. I have listened to this for years without saying a word.

Do they think I get sick on purpose, like this is something I can actually prevent? I take vitamins and wash my hands and take precautions, but sometimes a bug gets me. So piss off, you “never get sicks”! You do TOO GET SICK! You’re just too egotistical to admit it. If my only claim to fame was “I never get sick”, it would be a sad boast for a sorry life.

My name is Deb, I am human, and I do get sick! If you are some evolved form of humanoid then keep it to yourself or donate your body to science.

Barbara: Well, I never get sick. Because clearly I am a highly evolved humanoid. With super-

hero powers to fight infection and disease. I strut through city streets and verdant glen oblivious to germs and illness.

Did you not know this about me, Deb? Have I not impressed you with my (albeit humbly silent) immunity??? Have you not wondered at my strength, my fortitude, my … what’s the word … perfection???

Sheesh. Well, okay then. You read it here, so let that be the end of it between us. I await (with reinstated humble silence) the imminent arrival of marveling scientists from around the world.

In the meantime, could you please pass the Kleenex?