Monday, November 1, 2010

Proceed With Caution!!!

Deb: I have noticed of late that my body, not just content with breaking down, has taken upon itself to set up road signs to warn the other humans of my slow but steady deterioration. These signs will illuminate to any keen observer or passerby that things are not all they should be in the body department.

Clearly my body was bored and looking for a new challenge after ridding me of all that pesky pubic hair I didn’t need. After letting that success go to its head, my body has been on a bloody rampage. Well, not technically, as it took care of that problem maaaaaaaany years ago.

I don’t have time in just one blog-post to mention all of my body’s accomplishments, but I’d like to give a shout-out to some of its more recent and subtle work. Yes, there are things we all expect in the aging process, but I’d like to just spotlight some of the unexpected treats my body pulled out of its bag of tricks.

First of all, the big honkin’ liver spot on my chin was both a surprise and shock at the tender age of 56. Not content to rest on its laurels after the stellar job it did with the liver spot tats on my hands, my body felt it was time to land one right on my face. Yes, of course, it could have chosen my stomach, buttocks, or back, but where would be the fun in that?  Who the hell’s going to see it in any of those hidden places? Slapping it right on my kisser is just the kind of blindsiding I have come to except from my fleshy nemesis.

But the most recent and by far the toughest blow, was the appearance of a little grouping of wrinkles that have formed an unholy alliance right above my breasts. Right smack dab in the middle of my décolleté. Just in case anyone might ever be thinking, “Gee, not a bad rack for a middle-aged gal”, their attention would be quickly stolen by the scary wrinkly sign that says, “I’d turn back if I were you!!!”

My body is telling me in its own diabolical way that despite my best efforts I am fighting a losing battle. I have long since resigned myself that a cocktail dress now includes sleeves. I even embrace “Spanx” on occasion. And the legs are hanging in, if you don’t count the cellulite.

But I really thought I could count on the cleavage. I knew that no matter how covered the back and the arms were, I could still trot out the ladies on a snowy Tuesday night and impress.

And yes, I know you’re thinking that I should be grateful for a healthy body and I am ... I really am ... bla bla bladity bla.

But for Fuck’s sake!

Barbara: Aw, geez, Deb. I totally thought the décolleté was a sacred, hang-in-to-the-end body part. Not that mine was ever my calling card. But ah well. I, like you, am trying to make peace with the inexorable march of time (if you call these kinds of despondent rants “making peace”).

Me? After finally FINALLY accepting my baby-fine straight hair, it steps up and offers me a strip of gray not in the back or even on the sides, but right on the top of my head down the middle (I think they call that The Skunk). My pretty good facial skin is now sprouting thick black hairs in the middle of what can only be called (shudders self-consciously) “moles”. Always had cellulite, but now it’s every-frickin’-where. Maybe it thinks I like it. Poor sad delusional cellulite.

I know, I know: “will make peace”, “will make peace”, “will not resort to drastic measures.” “It’s natural and normal and the new me”. Until the next degenerations come along to become the new me.

All I can say is: Buyer Beware.


  1. So funny and so true. Don't get me started on all of mine! The good thing is I am so happy with where I am in life (2) that this little reminders are pushed aside by my adventures.

  2. Ack! Betrayal by boobs! As if post-nursing sagging wasn't enough, now you're saying they're gonna wrinkle, too? NOOOooooo!!!
    Or, more accurately:

    I wake up every morning thinking, "I'm too young to feel this old." With me, it's my back. Back in 1997, I cataclysmically wiped out while ice skating. (Remember "the thrill of victory, the agony of defeat?" I agony of defeated.) I ended up on a backboard in an ambulance. I did some really nasty things to my spine, and it never went back to normal. Used to be, once or twice a year it would give me trouble (residual problems from having screwed up a disk in my lumbar spine among other things). Once every 2 or 3 years, I'd do something to anger it (often not knowing what I had done) and wouldn't be able to walk for a couple of days. Now, though, I have reached the point where my back aches, spasms, and is stiff every single morning. And, the pain radiates in a way that's too scary so I refuse to contemplate it. The key to how snarly and vile I'm going to be each day is whether or not my back keeps hurting and restricting my movement after I've drained the hot water tank, stretched, and chomped on some ibuprofen. The chiropractor keeps saying things like "MRI" and "surgery" to which I always reply, "Are you gonna pay for it?"

    Still, ladies, you CAN take peace in one thing: Does your husband still love you, and is your body still his favorite toy to play with in the whole wide world? If yes, then you're fine - wrinkles, spots, and all. Rejoice, and be grateful. And, you know, you can always keep the lights turned off. ;)

    *looks down at D-cups propped up in their bra* *wanders off singing "Do your boobs hang low? Do they wobble to and fro? Can you tie 'em in a knot? Can you tie 'em in a bow?..."*

  3. Yes Madgew I agree. I will push them aside with adventures. Adventures wearing turtlenecks. And Rigel I have already laughed and laughed this morning at Darth and pushed the button three times.
    So funny. Thanks for sending.

  4. Damn chest wrinkles. Me too! What a pissoff.
    I'm glad our husbands aren't as fussy as we are about our bodies. I love that, about them -- the husbands, that is. Recently I made a crack to mine, as some hanky panky was getting started, like "So the old bod isn't getting too crotchety for you yet?" and he replied simply and sweetly "I love you, Kathy." Nothing could have meant more to me at the moment.
    I read somewhere that lack of potassium causes the chest wrinkles. Dunno if it's true. Eat more bananas and see.
    Did you see skinny-minny Jane Fonda on Foghorn Oprah last week? Fonda must look like a scarecrow, naked, but with clothes on she certainly fits the modern ideal of a goodlooking woman... not an extra ounce of fat, no hips to speak of, thin thighs, etc. Was disappointed that she had plastic surgery though, so it's not her natural 72-year-old face we're seeing, it's an altered one. Though I relate to hating to see one's own image in the mirror because you don't recognize it and it looks tired all the time, compared to the face we used to know, to me her physical condition would be something to aspire to if she had been able to accept and love her face As It Is. Easier said than done, I know. I doubt I'll have any more inner strength and self-esteem than she has displayed when it comes to her face, when it comes to that.

  5. I am so grateful that my husband is nearly blind when he takes his glasses off at bedtime. As far as he can tell in the sack I still look like the nubile creature he married 22 years ago.

    I made the mistake of doing a downward dog in full daylight recently. I'm used to doing all things yogic in my spandex in the gloriously subdued lighting at the gym. What a treat it was to witness what I can only refer to as elephant skin on various parts of my body.

  6. Katrinka,I missed Jane on Oprah, but I know what you mean. Have seen my fair share of bad plastic surgery up close *shudders* And some good work too, which ideally you don't "see". Hmmm, potassium...

    Tannis, I heeeeeaaaaar you! Yoga, so good if you keep your eyes closed.

  7. Here's the thing about this post that makes it such a hard slog. Both of you gals are both straight-up GORGEOUS! I know...I know...hell I'm 51 so of course I know...that changes are happening and from an owner's perspective, none of them are overly desirable. But this time last century, we would have been all over-the-hill by now! By comparison, it's as if the women of our generation have squeezed out an extra 20 years of looking our best. So, who cares if it's part illusion...celebrate the visuals anyway!

  8. I hear you. I am very plagued with the aging process myself. Recently I've had TWO different people make a joke about me being a "cougar" by having such a young husband....HE'S OLDER THAN ME!
    But then I figure letting go of the vanity is good for our souls. I mean, you can't fight it, and when you do, you just end up looking weird.
    That's life. Let's just be happy anyway.

  9. You gals are just giving me so much to look forward to...

  10. I'm with Ruth on this one. Now I don't know if I want to get older. Seeing as how it sounds so much fun..

  11. Ha, Hollye! My husband is about nine months younger than me, but one time I went to help him on a construction job and a three-year-old at the house wanted Scott to play with him. He said to Scott, pointing at me, "Ask your mommy." Bastard still brings that up! :)

    As Bette Davis said, Getting old is not for sissies. She sure had that right. I guess we learn the hard way that it's not our looks that count most. And it is definitely "the hard way" in this culture.

  12. Ladies, take heart. There is one thing I forgot to mention. I have NEVER been happier!

  13. At least you are happy about it. You got to think it could be so much worse. People should think about it this way yeah you may go through changes as far as when you are in the middle ages but,you also go through them when your in you 20's as well. Yes they may suck some times,but it's a part of life like it or not we all go through them so why not enjoy them,while they are here.. Sometimes the best thing to do is just to work with what you got and and not worry about the other things,that are happing.

  14. Just to be clear, I am sooooooooo not happy with "it" but I am very happy with me. Me trumps IT.
    Thanks Lyndsie!

  15. and this an added note from a few blogs ago to the lovely and talented Jeanette. OH PLEASE I HAVE NONE OF THE MCGRATH FAMILY TALENT!But God love you for including me in your loving words of support. YOU my girl can do anything! My artistic talent ended at the Wisecracks course! xoxo

  16. "ridding me of all that pesky pubic hair I didn’t need"

    That sounds like heaven to me! Mine seems to be trying to escape and running in every possible direction. Seriously, where is it going?!

  17. Away. Trust me JackiYo...away.

  18. I told you ladies I use to work at Victoria's Secret, one of my favorite moments was when an 60+ woman came in with her friends. She selected a couple of sexy nightgowns and bra and pantie sets. Her friends were shocked. One of them said you don't think those are too sexy for you do you. She turned looked her friends straight in the eyes and said "Honey when you are the ONLY naked woman in the room...You are ALWAYS sexy."

    That woman is my hero. I try to remember her words when I look in the mirror. Taking my glasses off helps too.

  19. See, Deb, what you FORGOT was years of sunworship so you didn't have the sunspots to camoflage those liver spots... I've had face splotches since before I turned 40... I'm hoping the payoff is that nobody will notice the OTHER...

    And REALLY, I'd be happy to pay for a nice rack with a few unsightly lines! I have been cursed with the big butt that somebody neglected to balance with the matched boobage...

    Seriously though, I giggled all the way through. I think you look great--and if you are 56, does that make you a horse in the Chinese Zodiac? *high fives with horse solidarity*

  20. TJL - I LOVE that story. Talk about owning it!

    Hart, I'm sure Deb will weigh in, but I had to add that she is indeed GORGEOUS, with plenty to distract the eye from said "annoyances". And she is a horse, which fits really nicely with my rabbit :)

  21. TJL - I had 2 other people at work busting out laughing with me over your Victoria's Secret comment this morning! That is priceless! :D

    Chinese zodiac. :P Awww, heck! I'm a rat. 12/31/72 *twitches whiskers sinisterly*

    Hmmmm, so does that mean that if someone messes with me, I can smite them down with yersinia pestis?

    OOoooo, wait! I know the rats I want to hang out with!

  22. All those ailments can be chased away with a good massage, and alcohol.

    If I am ever allowed across the border to the Great Frozen North, I'll volunteer to assist with that. In the meantime, keep that rack covered and protected from the cold.

  23. I look at my neck and wonder how that got there? who does that belong to? And those dark hairs? Really? And the cleavage puckering? Huh.

    Thank goodness middle age is the new sexy. It's not? Let's just not tell anyone. If we repeat it often enough, it will become reality.

  24. Well, Helen Mirren is in her 60's, and she rocks the sexy hard (and makes news because of it).

  25. I love you ladies. Seriously. What else is there to say except, bla bla bladity bla.


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