Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Deb Got Mad At Me

Barbara: The other day Deb bit my head off.

True story.

It took until today for her to ask my forgiveness.

Deb and I trying to look sexy (with no makeup on
during a ski holiday). Pretend we're mad.
I guess it’s small comfort that she was so contrite about it. She admitted much to me in her apology. She claimed to rue the day. She told me that she deeply regretted her outburst and felt terribly guilty. She even told me that she felt so badly about it she had to confess her transgression to her other best friend––much to that friend’s shock. She wanted to make sure I didn’t hold it against her too much. That we were okay with each other.

I don’t know, guys, it’s hard to offer forgiveness for an affront when … you … didn’t … notice … the  … affront.

Deb and I are not only friends and co-writers, but we are soul sisters. I can’t even imagine her doing something or saying something that would anger me so much as to require contrition, forgiveness, or lost hours of worry. If she bit my head off—as she claims to have done—well, chalk it up to a bad day, or a legitimate but of-the-moment disagreement between two usually compatible friends. But I swear to you—and I am usually a very sensitive soul—I DID NOT NOTICE. I have no idea what she’s talking about.

After we established that the transgression had indeed occurred, we—as dear friends are wont to do (and one of the reasons I LOVE having dear friends)––discussed what actually went down. Turns out Deb wasn’t actually mad at me in that moment, but just irritated in general, and I was the (completely oblivious) target of a momentary (and frankly very subtle) outburst.

An oldie but a goodie.
You know what? Shit happens. Irritation between friends is par for the course, especially those accidental or unintentional clashes. Comes with the territory. And you know what I especially love? That Deb talked to me about it. That we could talk about it together. We are all human in our transgressions, but some of us are also wonderfully humane in our approach to them. Deb, I tip my hat to you. Of course I forgive you, but I also love you for it.

Just, you know, never let it happen again.

Deb: Barb, my neck is soaked with tears. They were orderly tears when they left my eyes, but I was so moved by your loving generosity, I spilled the rest as a result.  Hormones. Yep.  Bad few weeks. But muddling through, and surviving quite nicely, thanks so much.

Thought it was done though, the menopause. Wasn’t, as it turns out. Was not done!!! Still. Hanging in there and working it through. Hmmmnnn.  Official menopause was easier. At least I knew that it was awful all the time ... but on the other hand, at least this time, as willy nilly as it is, I know what I am dealing with. And more importantly, that I’m not going mad. Always an important point when one takes stock at the end of one’s day.

Thanks Barb xoxoxo 

P.S. As I said to Barb earlier when she called me to offer her support, I wish for each of you who are not there yet, a safe, giddy, funny, lovely crossing into menopause. And if it is not thus, I will be your MenoYoda. Something every gal should have. 


  1. Fortunately, my menopause has been easy. I had a hysterectomy at age 49 which put me into menopause. I used the patch and now at 62 I still take a low dose estrogen. I tried going off of it and I was a raving bitch so I went right back on it and since I don't have the parts I can just take the estrogen part. Works for me. I still think it is funny that you had no idea that you were supposed to be upset. That is unconditional friendship.

  2. Ahhh...You two ladies are very blessed to have such a wonderful friendship.
    Thank you for sharing it with us. It makes me teary.
    I love the photos!

  3. Madge you were wise to save your sanity and use the patch. I believe that whatever gets you through it, is the right way for each individual. Me, I couldn't. I did it naturally using tinctures and natural remedies and reiki and pilates and screaming and crying! :-)

  4. Friends fight and it does indeed happen. with me and my best friend we use to fight all the time,and now from time to time we do still fuss at each other. We have been friends for so long I feel like she is almost like a sister to me and a friend. When we do fight it's not there not big fights but small ones. We usually only stay mad at each other for a couple of hours until one of ask if we will forgive the other one.. I can't say that we have not had a lot of fights. I can however say that the fights that we have had and gotten over together has made us closer as friends. I think the world of my best friend and couldn't imagian what I would do with out her and if we ever got to be ex friends because of some dumb fight than maby we were as strong together as we thought.

  5. Yes Melissa, Friendship is the other key ingredient for getting through the meno years. maybe in one blog we can share the photo from the same trip and same dinner, of our husbands trying to look sexy!
    And for all those reasons Lyndsie, you will always be friends, never exes. Good for you.

  6. You guys have such a beautiful friendship! I just love how you're there for each other even during the tough stuff. I'm having trouble getting my friends to just give me a ride to the store since my car has died. I think I need a forever friend like you guys have!

    I apologize the following quote is REALLY long, but I think it fits your friendship. I used it in a post in December and thought I'd pass it on:

    "Sometimes in life, you find a special friend. Someone who changes your life just by being a part of it. Someone who makes you laugh until you can't stop. Someone who makes you believe that there really is good in the world. Someone who convinces you that there really is an unlocked door just waiting for you to open it. This is forever friendship. When you're down and the world seems dark and empty, your forever friend lifts you up in spirit and makes that dark and empty world suddenly seem bright and full. Your forever friend gets you through the hard times, the sad times and the confused times. If you turn and walk away, your forever friend follows. If you lose your way, your forever friend guides you and cheers you on. Your forever friend holds your hand and tells you that everything is going to be okay. And if you find such a friend, you feel happy and complete because you need not worry. You have a forever friend, and forever has no end."

  7. Ruth! so nice to hear from you again. And thanks for your beautiful quote. That describes our friendship for me perfectly.

    And guess, what? Didn't find it (with all those qualities) until I was in my mid 30s. Lots of wonderful friends, but none who gave me back all these gifts unconditionally. I love my Deb.

    Thanks, everyone!

  8. beautiful?!? BEAUTIFUL?!?! OMG, this is HILARIOUS!!! I love the transgression that barely occurred that Deb lost sleep over. Women are RIDICULOUS. in both good and bad ways. Will we never get over our insecurities?!? And fucking menopause. Like years of cramps and bleeding and childbirth arent enough torture. Seriously, THIS is why I dance. I bet it was the robe dancing that set Deb off. I'd like to think I am to blame. In fact, let me lose sleep and apologize to Deb for MY role in her biting YOUR head off Barb, as I am more than sure I had something to do with any fragility in our friendships. It is usually my fault. And for that I am deeply sorry.

    (I have no idea what I just typed but I am overcaffeinated and it made me laugh).

  9. Ack! Gae, so funny!!! And yet isn't this one of those women arenas where you're joking, but kinda mean it, but are joking, but kinda mean it...???

    Not your fault (in case you kinda mean it). At least I don't think so, because apparently the alleged head-biting took place last week ;)

  10. My best friend taught me something very, very important early in our relationship of more than 35 years (we're in our fifties now). Whenever we'd argue or get angry with each other (the worst one was when we were 19-yr-old roommates and fought over the correct way to cut leftover boiled potatoes for frying; our mothers didn't do it the same way, apparently) she would just stop talking and open her arms to me. And that would be it. We'd hug and it would be over.
    I should try that with my husband. Why don't I try that? Hm, think I'll try that.

  11. Also, it is wonderful to have a close friend who DOES NOT TAKE OFFENCE because she KNOWS you didn't MEAN TO or she didn't even NOTICE.
    You two are blessed to have found each other.

  12. Yes Gae it is YOU who is to blame. All these years I have been looking for someone to blame for my menopause. Thanks for OWNING UP! Ruth that is such a beautiful quote,thanks so much. Kate I love when people have an epiphany in the middle of writing something. What a great way to end a fight. It takes a lot of balls in the heat of the fight but sooooooo worth it! We are blessed. So blessed. Barb's my gal. Love her to pieces.

  13. True friends forgive, or better yet, not even know when we're being heinous bitches. lol. And you guys look truly sexy in your non makeupy sexy pic. Two beauties.

  14. Aw, thanks, Megan. Wait till you see our guys in the same pose...

  15. WOW just took another look at that first pic up in the post I didn't relize it before,but u all look.ALOT. wow.

  16. Deb, you made me laugh out loud. I knew it was me. And I meant to mention the gorgeous photos (you're probably so disappointed in me now that I forgot, or mad. mad or disappointed at me), but yes you both look so beautiful with your fresh un-made up faces. :)

  17. It's good to be back! And I think Lyndsie's right, you two do look like you could be sisters :)

  18. Oh yeah BIG TIME like twins in that first pic.

  19. Ladies that's so funny you should all say that. In person, we look nothing alike. Don't you think Barb? Also in that first picture, we both have long hair with no bangs. Different now. But...thanks. I'll take someone saying I look like Barb any day of the week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  20. I actually do think we look a lot like sisters in our main pic too. And I so agree we can look like sisters, I didn't think anything of it when years ago we thought we might pitch a show as sisters (remember, Deb?) I love it too!

  21. I think being able to have a clash, then talk it through and know things are fine again is one of the greatest trust-increasers there is in a relationship... it opens the door to not have to censor yourself and just be yourself, and is a wonderful gift. I love that Barb didn't even notice--too funny.


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