Friday, August 3, 2012

When The Other Shoe Is On My Foot

Barbara: My daughters both work at a fashion retail store—it’s a job they LOVE, both reveling in the latest looks, the fun of helping customers find the perfect outfit, and the camaraderie of working closely with an excellent bunch of cohorts. Stefanie was regaling us with shop-talk the other night over dinner, and talk turned to customer-manners. Now, obviously these guys have experienced every kind of customer over the years—and they truly love most of them—but every now and then, the girls get treated, well, like “girls”. Young people who have no lives or feelings of their own. Like the time a couple of women decided to stay and shop 45minutes past closing. The ladies were having fun, they were trying on clothes, they were gossiping and giggling … and they suggested to Stef and her co-worker that they “didn’t mind that they were staying so long, did they?” To which Stef and her co-worker insisted, “No, not all.” The thing is, of course they minded—it had been a long day, it was late, and they were anxious to get to their respective homes and eat a late dinner and relax, but were too polite and service-oriented to say anything.

Why am I telling you this? Because my darling daughter informed me that it turns out that many middle-aged women are routinely—if not rude, if not mean or icky—very entitled. Way more so, she insisted, than any younger customers that come into the store. Of course, I’d been smugly certain that it would be the other way around. And while I found this news both shocking and fascinating—enough, in fact, that I totally knew I was going to blog about it as soon as I could—I was way more shocked and fascinated by the fact that a mere few days later, I, moi, me, myself, your humble blogger, your friend (remember this part, please), exhibited a crafty bit of entitled shopping myself.

Now before I over-sell my rudeness, I will proviso this by saying that I consider myself pretty thoughtful for the most part. I do think about other people when I am out in the world, I am reasonably self-sacrificing (okay, not always), and I do care that other people aren’t getting shafted by my demands and needs. So, by these, my own high standards, I was a bit taken aback by my own “entitled” moment.

The other evening, I needed groceries for dinner and rushed to the store to stock up. I pulled into a parking spot and when I got out of my car realized that, thanks to a lack of painted lines, I’d taken up the equivalent of two spots. I knew this, and yet still headed off to run my errands. When I got into the store and, after madly scrambling to grab my armful of dinner ingredients, I found myself in a loooooooong line at the checkout. I was frustrated, but settled in for the wait. Then another cashier showed up and opened a new cash. One line-bound customer ran for the newly opened cash, but everyone else stayed in that first looooooong line. I hesitated as second after second after second ticked by and no one moved. I knew I could say something; I could, for instance, have kindly suggested that maybe some of the people in line ahead of me might consider grabbing that eagerly awaiting line-less cash. But what did I do? I lifted my armful of groceries, steadied my nerves, and nimbly picked my way through the patiently waiting customers until I—who had been far back in the line—was now at that sweetly empty second spot in line.

As I loaded up the conveyor belt with my goodies and glanced out the window at my two-spot-taking car, I couldn’t help thinking, “I am that woman. That middle-aged, entitled (also white and middle-class) woman who thinks the world revolves around her.” I’m telling you, I vacillated between a feeling of dumb self-horror and selfish excitement. I had consciously, purposefully—but not proudly—stepped outside my box.

Would I do it again? Probably not… Am I changing for the worse? I don’t think so. But I am certainly not the utterly gracious, selfless, and generous consumer I had blindly assumed myself to be.

I know I am, but what are you???

Deb: Wow, this is a tough one. I know you to be that honest gal who is always considerate of other people’s feelings. I say everybody deserves one of those “playing outside the lines” every once in a while whether they are middle-aged or not. I hesitate to answer this one for myself lest I be deemed a goody two-shoes, but the truth is, and I am not lying a lick, I have backed in and out three times to make sure I only took up the one space and I am always the person who defers and says to that person in front of me, “Did you see the next line just opened up?”

You hate me right now, don’t you, Barb?  I am certainly not saying in any way that I am the better person. Nor do I think you are about to go out and rob a bank. It is just that I was brought up by Nan and Jim, rules followers, purveyors of fair play and all that rot. My brother is the exact same. So it is just not in me to do that. Hell, I have a wheelchair parking pass on my car all the time and I only use it when Dad is in the car. Yes, I am that girl. Sorry, darling friend, but here’s what I will say, “Halleluiah, Barbara is human!”

33 comments:

  1. And, Barb, you noticed it right away.....it's not like someone pointed it out to you. You thought about it yourself and probably reprimanded yourself (perhaps a little too much too) As Deb Says, Halleluiah, you are human and brave to tell us about it.

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    1. Thanks, Mary-Jo. I thought if I was going to do a "rant" that I should also take a good look at myself -- and be completely honest.

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  2. Firstly, Barb...You are sooooooo not that "person". Please.... Like Deb says HALLELUIAH, You are a human. Things happen. You are one of the most wonderful people Ive met. See, you didnt do it deliberately. Like Mary-Jo says, you realized it. ITS.ENOUGH! You FELT that you shouldve acted differently. That makes the biggest difference.

    ME. When I shop for clothes or shoes or anything. I think 10 times before just taking something to tryout. I dont like trying 'em out and if I didnt like em... just leaving them there. Coz the workers have to keep it nicely again...and it can get frustrating towards the end of the day. Thats what my mom taught me. Just because its their job doesnt mean you can take advantage of it. Its sweet of them to be polite and everything but giving them a smile and saying "thanks" doesnt hurt anyone. But Ive met people who say "Who cares" and BELIEVE ME I've met people who do it deliberately.... Its hard and I feel terrible sometimes. and its different if they realize its...well...not good to do that. But they dont! You did. Thats what makes you different.

    If I ever got into a situation like this, I'd go to the other counter. You know me, I'm more of a be-an-example-and-people-follow type. And Sure enough...THEY DO...! But if I choose to stay in the long line. I would make sure when I get to the cashier I say a few nice words, "Its mustve been a hard day, thanks for this" or something. IDK I just put myself in their shoes and realize some kindness or a smile even would release their stress. I'm not bragging or anything but I have a habit of doing that. If I'm getting out of the car, or at the security check at the mall, busboys cleaning the table or anything I have to look up smile and say "thank you" to them. It makes my day and I hope it helps them get easily through theirs!

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    1. I so agree, Shalaka! Believe me, I think by seeing ourselves in our less shining moments, we can be better in our more shining ones (it's easy to get complacent when it comes to manners). Like I said, not proud, but definitely aware!

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  3. Well, the parking thing...yeah, I would've given you the stink eye had I seen you. But the line, if you waited and nobody moved, well, I wouldn't see that as rude. I believe the cashiers have a responsibility to grab the next person in line and usually they will do this. When they don't and the guy at the back of the line jumps the new open line, then I appease my ten minute waiting self (usually with kids, too) and imagine that he must have a sick child at home he needs to get to quickly or he has a very important business meeting and he's running late. In other words, I make their excuse in my head for them and try to extend some grace. He's really probably just a rude jerk, but making up those scenarios helps me keep a smile on my face...until my kids ask me AGAIN to buy that candy we've been staring at for ten minutes.

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    1. Yup, stink eye would've been well-deserved. And many a stink eye have a given in my time in the same sitch. Especially the car thing -- I am a MANIACAL parker normally. Hell, I finesse the car in my own driveway. WHAT WAS I THINKING??? As for the line -- it was so odd -- as if I was in another body -- when I made my move. And the weird thing, this wasn't a side-by-side lineup, this was a curving line -- where everyone who was waiting in line one was STARING at the open line (ie they all should have been aware of it!). In that moment, it felt like they were actually making a choice to stay. Still, I should've asked.

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  4. I always tend to park crooked but, for the last few years I will straighten the car out. I, too, like Deb park in only one space and will be crooked if within the lines or sometimes too close to the line but still within it. As for the line in the market, I would be the first one to move over to the new line or check stand if the new checker doesn't take the next person in line. Most people are like sheep and just follow the crowd. I look for the angles and easily will move for an advantage and then people follow me. If the snooze they lose when I am around.:)

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    1. HA! Thanks for the laugh, Madge. PS the checker did take the next person in line. But no one followed. No one. Except me (terribly evil laugh)

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  5. I love that this is an example of you at your rudest! You must be one of the nicest and self aware people on the planet, I don't think you have to worry about being rude or entitled!

    I worked in retail on and off for 11 years, and i've done a bit of waitressing too. I agree with your daughters- strangely it's middle aged women who have been the rudest to me while at work. But on the other hand they're also the group of people who've been by far the nicest too! One particular rude woman stands out in my memory who was returning her teenage daughter's dress, and I accidently refunded her the wrong amount of money. Three times. While several people were queued up behind her. (I was having an off day!). She called me an idiot and said it was amazing that there were people alive that were too stupid even to work as shop assistants. Then she suggested I get a job cleaning, maybe I could manage that... I must've cried for an hour afterwards, my manager let me go on an extra long break!
    I never minded the people who made a big mess spreading clothes all over the floor, or the ones that make you stay late- it's the people that speak to you like less of a person because you work in a service industry. That's what really got me down. I felt like wearing a t-shirt that said "I may be serving you but I'm a a nice smart person- treat me like that!". The worst are the customers in restaurants that when you put their food in front of them they don't even acknowledge you- like you don't exist. I can't imagine treating anyone like that.
    That being said, the majority of people most days were lovely. I'm lucky to live in such a friendly city, and eventually I just felt sorry for the rude people, not angry. It must be the unhappiest people being the rudest I think.

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    1. Samara, this is so well said. The girls -- who deal with people every day, all day -- certainly rave about most people most of the time. But the rude ones -- the very rude ones (like your unbelievable example!) do really leave an impression, don't they? Which is why I had to self-examine. And ask the question. I think middle age, specifically, is also a time of vacillating between good old fashioned manners and upbringing and a renewed sense of taking up our own space. And maybe hormones. And maybe we crisscross that line more than we want (or realize).

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  6. Huh...I don't think this has anything to do with age...or gender.

    The waiting in line thing - doesn't happen here in Germany. Whenever a new line is openend, everybody rushes to it. Nobody cares, if they were first or last.

    And for the parking thing...*hehe* well, I suck at parking my car, and yes...sometimes I need to spaces. And most of the time, I rearrange my car (which takes forever, because I'm just dumb), because it is embarrassing! But sometimes I just don't care...others do it, too. :P

    I'm not a rude person. If I don't talk to a person, or cannot acknowledge them...it's because I'm so shy. But I always try to say thank you and good bye, and smile at them. I try to be helpful...flip side of the coin: I experienced so many rude shop assistants, and that annoys me, too.

    I guess people come in all varieties. ;)

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    1. I think the smile and thank you is plenty when it comes to good manners. If you're a naturally quiet person, I think you can embrace that and be proud. And, yeah, there are certainly many rude shop assistants too!

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  7. Samara and Stefanie I sympathise . I worked in retail for all my working life and there were customers I used to dread seeing come into the shop . the shop was run by dad and I together so I had more back up then most sales people would have . i think anyone who has worked or does work in sales can tell you both good and bad stories of dealing with customers .

    as to the situation in the supermarket checkout , well i think you only did what anyone else would do given the same set of circumstances. on the rudeness scale i have seen a lot worse . i have to admit doing the same myself although the queue was no where near as long as 10 minutes and i would hope i am . when there are 3 of 4 people with full shopping trolleys ahead of you and a new lane opens bet without anyone else infornt of me seeing it your backside i will run to it !

    seeing as there were no clear lines i think you can be forgiven for the parking issue too . in general though bad parking does piss me off something rotten , you see it far to often here . when i started driving dad always told me to make sure i parked properly . now i detest the idea of parking outside my space . it is just good manners plus i have lost out on parking spots in the past owing to others bad parking

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    1. oops that should say you bet your backside .

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    2. Ha! Oh, and Phil and I are ALWAYS on our girls about parking properly. So mea mea culpa on that one!!

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  8. I am working retail now. I work for a very famous store that caters to all ages. It is a cost conscious store. Can't say the name but it has and H and an M in the title. ;). So if you have shopped there you understand we are not Nordstroms. I must agree with your daughter. The women my age tend to feel the most entitled. We can't ask them to leave after closing, but we are on a time constraint to clean the store and audit the registers. Our sales associates have to get authorization for returns. I love walking up to the counter to give the authorization after I can hear (yes, it is women my age being the worst) the ladies saying That they don't believe the sales associate is correct on the return policy. I politely point out our policy is both on the receipt and on the signs behind the cash point. I am not sure if it is because I am their age or the one who has to authorize the return, they tend to get quite but still complain under their breath. I always smile and say, our customer service number is on the receipt. Please feel free to call them.
    Heidi

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    1. Heidi! You always make me laugh -- and think! xo I wonder what it is about the midlife entitlement. I mean, I know there are PLENTY of amazingly polite and thoughtful middle-aged women and plenty of rude men and younger people, but what is it that makes shop people particularly notice this demographic...??? Makes me wonder

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  9. When Barb read us the draft for this blog, me and the girls burst out laughing! Pretty wimpy example of entitled we all thought!...I guess this middle-aged husband and her two millennial-daughters must be WAY more entitled.
    On the parking thing: stink eye would be deserved considering her car has 4 built-in parking assist cameras!
    That's why we love her.

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    1. THANKS PHIL!!!!!! See Barb, and Thats why we love you too! <3 xo

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    2. "On the parking thing: stink eye would be deserved considering her car has 4 built-in parking assist cameras!"
      HA!!

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    3. Okay, and this is why I love YOU, my own pongobaz! Thanks for the vote, but I will reiterate that there were no lines with which I could track my spot, cameras or no. It was only when I got out and made a quick visual measurement of the other car a "spot" away and the space between my car and the curb that I realized I was probably taking two spots. In fact, omg, was it even THREE spots????!

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    4. Oops, Steph -- didn't see you up there :) Yes! Stink eye taken and WELL DESERVED!

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  10. If this is you at your worst and most un-concientous I don't think there's a problem. I can see how a lack of painted lines would make it happen as well. I always find it hilarious to see the wavy and poorly spaced cars in a parking lot after a snow. As for the line up it sounds like you gave everyone a chance to move first, I probably would have (in fact I think I have) had the exact same response.

    Deb good for you with the placard, although I wouldn't expect anything less from you. Manitoba has had to put in place laws that the placard must be removed unless the person it is issued for is actually using the vehicle because so many people were abusing it. It was sad to see that step needing to be taken here, even sadder still to know that some people still abuse it.

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    1. Grrrr, yes, I hate seeing able-bodied people scramble lithely out of their cars in a wheelchair parking spot!!

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  11. About 2 years ago I was working in a clothing shop and, on my first day, I had an encounter with one of these middle-aged, entitled sorts. You could just tell that she was like this all the time, not just this once. It was my first day and she was asking me if we had this certain shirt in a 3X or 4X, because her husband likes to have room in his shirts and this long story. My response was that I was not sure, but I would go look, which I did. No, we didn't have them. So then she asked me if we had anything in 3X or 4X and I walked through the whole shop looking. I literally had been working here for about an hour when this happened. I made a point of telling her that I was new. Well, I couldn't find anything, so I asked one of my superiors for help and she was able to find some hanging toward the middle of the shop. The woman then came over to me, and very rudely said, "they are hanging right here." She said it as thoough I was the stupidest person on the planet. I just smiled and nodded and walked away. I also had a man come up to me and ask for a pair of pants in his size. Wouldn't you know it, his problem was the reverse of this woman. All he could find was 3X and he needed a Large. Well, I looked through the entire stock and we didn't have any left, although we had placed an order for them. He got really angry with me, like it was my fault. I said I was sorry and that we should have some in within a week, but he didn't care.
    I try to stay calm in these situations, but I have a temper when my buttons are pushed. I try to wait until they leave and I have time to go to the back of the store to explode.
    When I am the customer, I try to avoid the salespeople. They annoy me. If I need help, I'll ask, but I hate it when they watch you and follow you around. I can be...sort of....well, mean. If I get the feeling I'm being followed, then I might leave or mess with the clothes so that they have to go back and fix it. If I see them watching me I will stop and smile or wave that them. Anything to make them feel awkward. I enjoy messing with them when I can tell that they are the sort that believe they are better than everyone else. But when there is someone that has been really helpful to me or really nice, then I try to be a good customer, refold anything I mess up and that sort of thing. If I try anything on, I put it back where I got it from myself.
    Parking lots annoy me too. I do make sure I am in only one spot (most of the time), and I try to park further out so that (hopefully) no one will park next to me and there is a lesser chance of being hit.

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    1. Ha! You have quite the coping strategies, Steph! As for your stories: Stefanie has so many stories like this. Although she, like you guys here, will assert that the good customers far outweigh the bad ones. They just don't make as good stories ;)

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  12. I've dealt with my share of rude people, but it has taken me many, MANY years to simply smile and walk away. I also feel that a smile, "please" and "thank you" take you very far in life.

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  13. Where I work, everyone I'm friendly with at work has admitted to me that they have a hideyhole in the store where they go to rage/cry/whatever after evil customers. Yes, this includes the men. I have my magical sanctuary in back hidden amongst the large items waiting for delivery.

    One time, my store manager, the HEAD guy, caught me emerging from my hideyhole. He's an angel, an absolute sweetheart. He took one look at my face (beet red angry face and clenched jaw and I-will-not-cry-NO-I-will-not-damn-damn-damn eyes) and then where I had come out from. He knew that I keep my composure well on the floor and rock the customer service (I just had my annual review, got an "excellent" assessment, and a (too small) raise), so if I had fled to the back, it had to have been pretty nasty. He also knew what it had been like on the floor all that morning - crazy busy and seemingly overloaded with cranky and unreasonable customers. As a matter of fact, he was in the front of the back (if that makes sense) with one of the assistant managers trying to make things right for a customer who had just pitched a totally uncalled for level of fit up at customer service. Dear, sweet store manager let me escape to my lunch hour quite early that day. He so kindly opened the safety valve to vent my steam! lol ;)

    My problem is that I work in a store that tends to be a predominately male domain. I often have to deal with condescending, redneck, bubba, male chauvinist pigs who don't think a woman could possibly help them in such a setting. They can be really hateful and obnoxious.

    As far as "entitled middle age women," I've had a few. They think they're soooo much better than we women working at the store. They prance in act like we're their ladies in waiting. But, those are rare in my retail setting. The thing that really annoys me about them is that they are SO stingy, and act, yes, so entitled. They constantly try to mooch unauthorized discounts on everything. They expect favors. And, then they get snotty and pissy when they don't get their favors. *rolls eyes*

    My favorite middle ages women customers are: a) the ones who kick butt both knowledge and skills wise - these chics ROCK, defy stereotype, and put the men to shame LOL and b) the darling, clueless ones who dote on me and shower me with affection because, "Oh! How wonderful to get waited on by a woman in here! A woman who knows her stuff! Oh, I so admire that you know about _______." These women are so fun to help. It's almost like they feel like they are eating forbidden fruit. You know what I love to do then? Teach them about ______! Then, they're excited to go home and show off what they learned to their husbands (see above paragraph about male chauvinist pigs)! :) LOL

    Other least favorite customers? 1. the ones who stink of alcohol, whether they go in the angry drunk direction or the way too friendly drunk direction (hey, beer saturated dude w/rebel flag on your t-shirt, get your hand off my arm before I break your wrist!) 2. the ones who cuss every other word 3. the ones who need my help, have me waiting on them, and then keep answering cell phone calls or stopping to text instead of finishing the task at hand. They have the focus of a gnat. Hey, folks, there are other customers who need me, why do you expect me to stand here while you are gossiping on the phone? Or, sending your 5th text in 3 minutes? How about focusing on your task? 4. The ones who ask me a question, don't like my answer (usually because they don't want to expend the necessary effort and/or money to do something the right way), and therefore decide I don't know what I'm talking about. So, they ask someone else (usually a male employee) and get the same answer. (See above paragraph about male chauvinist pig customers.) 5. The men who are spitting their chewing tobacco juice.

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  14. I should add that one thing I sincerely love about my job is that I now have "regulars." These are customers who have come to believe in my customer service, know my schedule, and either ask for me by name or search the store seeking me out so I can wait on them. There are folks I know I'm going to see, for example, every Saturday morning or every other Sunday afternoon. When my hours changed for a couple of months, I'd come in later than usual, and, inevitably, I'd have another employee tell me, "So and so was asking for you this morning!" I appreciate their loyalty and respect. I appreciate the big, strong, burly men (cops, farmers, firefighters, factory workers) who come up to me, smile real big, and reach out to shake my hand with a hearty, "Hey, girl! How're you doing today?" Given my above comments about chauvinistic male customers, I deeply appreciate my loyal male customers and the dignity they afford me. I also appreciate my regular customers who now come up and throw an arm around me for a hug, male and female. And, I love my sweet ladies who call me Hun or Sugar and always bring me laughter. They always make me smile.

    This makes me feel good. I try hard for my customers. I want them to feel that I really do care. Because, I do.

    I'm sad because at work because, increasingly, I'm left behind. Most of the good folks I've worked with, the ones who do a good job, the ones I've become friends with have quit, moved away, or in the process of. I'm getting really lonely and frustrated at work. Every week, I find out about another dear one who is trying to leave. But, it always warms my heart and helps me stand a little taller when one of my regular customers loves on me. :)

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    1. Yeah, this sucks, Rigel, but I'm happy to read about your heartwarming lovely connections with the "good ones"!

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  15. I haven't read all the comments, so I may not be alone, but I am more like Deb on this one, in stores, except the trait in me I don't like is how VERY angry I get at the person who might zip ahead of me on a newly-opened line. Like that is the worst crime a person can commit, I then wish them horrible ills, etc., before it occurs to me that maybe they're in a rush for some good reason and I should just learn to chill a little bit.

    Isn't that anger it's own form of entitlement?

    My middle aged entitled side comes out more in a restaurant. What up with that?

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    1. In a restaurant?! Is it the "sauce on the side, extra mayo, a whiff of lemon, a side of olive oil" kind of "entitled" or a "you are annoying me with your constant hovering" kind of "entitled"? (hard to imagine you doing either!) PS as for the other comments, most people here stink-eyed my double parking spot trick over the grocery line. I have sooo stink-eyed both in my time. Hence my shock at my own behaviour (although I did wait several long seconds -- it wasn't a mad scramble. I know, I know, semantics :) )

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