Transformation As Depression

Barbara: I mentioned on Monday that depression has been a big topic of conversation with me lately. It seems many people around me are struggling with it—especially right now. And, yes, I’m sure we can blame the season in some part (certainly in Canada), but I also know that in all the cases I’m familiar with, there has also been a major life shift or change that has precipitated that low-grade, tenacious, and numbing persistence that’s known as “depression”.

I’m going to try not to make any pat, “uplifting” statements today. In fact, as I said to Deb, I’ve learned not to be a cheerleader through someone else’s pain. Not because I don’t deeply yearn to be of help or to shine light, but because I find that we all have to go through what we have to go through. And my shoulder or my reassuring smile—while useful and sweet maybe in the moment—is not going to stop or hold off someone else’s time of (excruciating) change.

Because here’s my theory—and it may sound banal or trite, but the thing is, in order for us to measure the merit of a theory, we kinda need to look at all the evidence and decide if we think it fits, or if we think it’s a load of bull (kindly phrased conflicting opinions are welcome!):

I think depression is the surest sign that we are in a time of transition. In every example I can think of that comes from my own personal experience with depression (and I do mean “depression”, not “clinical depression” or any other medical or chemical imbalance), or that I’ve been privy to through other people’s periods of depression, there has also been a meaningful change going on.

And change, for all its good and wonder and importance, is not easy. Especially if set off by a wracking, heartbreaking personal tragedy: the end of a marriage, the loss of a loved one, the loss of a job, etc. But depression usually sets in after grief or any other major outburst of emotion has had its way with us. I think depression is more the detritus of upheaval. To me, it signals that we have begun to work at accepting something. And that’s exhausting. Because acceptance is work, never mind that we’re also busy now mourning what we know we have to leave behind—which is of course, fundamentally, our “old self”.

How depressing is that? To leave behind that comfy old self we know so well?

The other depressing fact? Change often takes its sweet-ass time to do its thing...

So, what do you think? In your experience, in hindsight, has depression also marked important periods of change for you?

Deb: Since I read this, Barb, I have been searching for the quote one of my FB friends posted today about change and acceptance and I could not find it, but it was brilliant. Basically it said that if we always accept the fact that what is happening to us in the natural order of our lives is what is supposed to happen and as a result we do not fight it, that it will lead to a healthier way of looking at the changes in our lives, however painful. It said that the pain comes from resisting the pain. Does that make sense? I am paraphrasing but it totally resonated with me. Really moved me actually. 

Being Kind To Myself

Deb: ‘Be kind to yourself’ has been my mantra this last period since Christmas. I have slipped into a rather rare depression resulting from the reality of some aspects of my life. I am, as I said before, a very happy person. Even in my deepest mourning or sadness, my body just wakes up and wants happy. I reach for happiness constantly, always willing to push aside anything ugly that has happened to me or anything ugly I have been a party to. I love to make amends and move on. And I am very good at it.

This sadness, which I will define as a building ennui resulting from the fact that a part of my life is changing and I am powerless to stop it, has grabbed a hold of me of late. This time though I did not fight it. At all. Not one little bit. There has been something strangely comforting about it. It felt like a thing I needed to go through. It is hanging around, like a friend keeping you company when you are sad, waiting with you until you fall asleep. And believe me, sleep I have been partaking of, most nights between ten and twelve hours. This is all about my parents and their current state. I cannot and will not go into details. Before you ask I will tell you that they are fine. I am fine too. I have crumbled under the weight of pressure and reality. I would normally want to deny this to myself and certainly not want to share it. But I am sharing it because I think it is important for me to realize that it is okay to not be the rock all the time. Human frailty can be a beautiful and important thing after all, both to our minds and to our hearts.

Barb has always said that one of the things she has admired about me is that I do not go there twice. We have talked about this before in the blog and I have been blissful and grateful at my ability to stay in the moment, feel the pain and resume joy. I had much joy during the holidays but I went there. Went there and stayed there. I handled it by not fighting it. I handled it by letting it take me where it wanted me to go. I move in slow motion doing things at a new pace. Christmas just came down yesterday. Very late for me. But I was enjoying the sparkling lights, the otherworldliness of the holidays, the heightened love and excitement. My sadness was capped off on New Year’s day when we learned that my Dad’s sister Jeanette had died. She had been suffering and she was not really in this world anymore and so it was somewhat a relief, albeit a painful one for her family. My parents wept for her, for all their long gone pals and families, and for the passage of time. My Dad’s family of ten siblings is now down to four. Two men, two women in their 80’s and 90’s. What a wonderful thing that is, right? I know it is.

Still, I sat in my sadness in that brand new year, knowing with full assuredness that the sadness would end, because I know who I am in reality and I know that this is simply a path that I had to go down. I went there without protest, tossing breadcrumbs along the way.

The crumbs that lead me home were the following. My dear darling friend Cheryl sent me a photo from a year ago with me and Dad on New Year’s Eve laughing our exact same laugh with the caption, “THIS is who you are!” My husband accepted my quiet journey with his usual gentle loving way, helping me, supporting me and cooking for me! Barbara and I had lunch with Souzan, a valued member of our blog family who happened to be in town, and her intelligent elegant open spirit gave me a huge boost. She has no idea how the timing of her visit contributed to my soul. Well, I guess she does now actually!

And just as the final decoration was coming down from the tree, the florist arrived with the most beautiful white orchid to grace our now toned-down surroundings. It was from my parents and the card said, “To the nicest, happiest couple we know. Love, Mom and Dad”. These were welcome breadcrumbs! So after a somewhat rough day yesterday, I decided to challenge myself today to something I have only ever done twice in my life. I decided to read a book in a day. Now to be honest it was only 200 pages, but to be frank, I feel like I have just conquered the world. The meaning of the book was deepened for me as it was a Christmas gift from a dear friend who is facing this week the second anniversary of her husband’s death, an anniversary that falls on our wedding anniversary. The book is about Paris and about love and about loss. It is called Paris A Love Story. As I relished every page, it reminded me of our own family trip to Paris when the boy was twelve. I thought of our darling friend Sean’a and her and her husband’s recent Christmas trip to Paris, the daily diaries of which were some of my favourite parts of the holidays. So I sat down to read this morning and, as I picked up the book, I saw a phrase I had scrawled on a piece of paper. It was the title of this blog that I had yet to write based on my behaviour towards life these last couple of weeks. It said, “Be tender with yourself”, which is a choice I made when I realized I was increasingly sad and overwhelmed.  A few pages into the book, the author, reeling from sadness, said she decided “to be kind to herself”. And there we are.

Breadcrumbs:

Barbara: Dear Deb, as you know, I’m well aware of what you’ve been going through and, because I didn’t know if you would talk about it here, have sketched out my own blog-post about depression and transformation—not just as a result of our few conversations about this, but because it seems to have become a recurring theme in many conversations I’ve been having of late. I think I will let your deeply-felt and conveyed words stand here today, as they are, and leave my thoughts on this for my next post. Because the other thing I’ve noticed about myself is that I no longer feel the need to earnestly cajole someone out of a slump. I respect your need to “go there” this time, and I respect your wisdom and intelligence in dealing with this as you must. I think it’s vital that you do what you are doing. I’m just here. Just so you know. Here.

Blogging Out Loud: Facing The Holidays When Times Are Tough

Deb and Barbara: What do you do and how do you cope when you're surrounded by all the holiday hoopla ... and you're just not in the frame of mind to enjoy it?

Empathy

Deb: We have a number of people in our life who struggle with their mental health. They have their individual journeys that may or may not include drugs, treatment, electroshock therapy, depression, elation, personality disorder, panic, fear, shame, self-loathing, hope, prayer, bargaining, thoughts of suicide, attempts at suicide, suicide.

A few months ago, our good friend Barb took her own life after years of anguish and despair. A few years ago, my young cousin killed himself at the tender and promising age of 16. He went fishing, as was his passion, and hung himself from a tree with his fishing line. Fishing was his greatest passion and yet his pain was so enormous that he ended his life while doing one of the only things he loved. For him and the way his brain was wired, this moment of fishing was not good enough to keep him here.  And the worst thing is, he couldn’t help feeling this way. Heartbreaking.

Their deaths reminded me that although I have had a firsthand glimpse into the world of mental issues, I am miles from fully understanding it. But I also realized that I do not need to fully understand it to feel empathy. We do not have to grasp the exact biology at work inside the body of a person dying of cancer to understand that they are dying. But we can and do empathize with them. Why is it not the same for mental illness? Why do we still think that mental illness is some sort of ruse?

With both these deaths­­––my cousin and my friend––I heard the same things over and over. “Why did he have to go and do that?” “How could he do that to his Mother?” “Didn’t he think of the person who would find him?” And: “What’s she got to be depressed about, she’s got a beautiful home and a husband who loves her?” “She should just get out and take a class or take up a hobby?” “She says she can’t get out of bed. I told her to force herself!’ This is, believe me, just a small sample of the shocking things I have heard.

I am not saying that these comments aren’t sometimes well-meaning, but they are given as a result of ignorance. Suffering from debilitating depression is a far cry from being depressed, as most of you know. I thank God I do not suffer any of these things, but I had a microscopic glimpse into depression, panic and anxiety during menopause and I for one gained a new respect for those who struggle fiercely every single day.

I heard a comment recently that left me stunned. “With all the innocent babies dying in the world, I think it’s disgusting when people expect sympathy for depression.” Wow. That statement made me so sad. It was so off-base and so without empathy. I couldn’t kneejerk as I usually would have as it was not the time or the place. But I did speak to the gentleman quietly at the end of the event and said that I know him to be a compassionate person and that I was certain he would feel differently if he learned something about depression and about mental health in general. I am happy to say that he was more than open to my plea.

Mental illness is a jail sentence. Your prison is your body, the jailer, your mind. Some people are lucky and find the treatment that works for them. Others search all their lives to no avail.

All their lives! Can you imagine?

I have one friend who wakes up each day and for a tiny teasing second, she thinks maybe, just maybe, it is going to be a good day. Then it hits her in the gut, and she claws her way through her bedclothes just to put her feet on the floor.

Empathy. It’s in all of us.

Barbara: Deb, this is such a difficult subject and I’m so glad you brought it up. Obviously, we can’t do it full justice in such a short post, but I definitely need guidance in this arena and this is as good a place as any to share our experiences and maybe find some common ground.

I am an empathetic person. Very very empathetic. Sometimes to my detriment. But so am I hard-wired to want and try to “make it better”. This often means offering advice or what I think of as possible solutions to emotional conundrums—whether people want it or not. The truth is—and you, Deb, have opened my eyes to this perhaps more than anyone—I don’t at all know what to do or say to someone struggling with serious mental illness.

I too have known people who have taken their own lives. It is devastating and confusing and heartbreaking for all involved. “If only we’d known…” But then what? If someone who struggles with mental illness can’t be cheered or can’t cheer themselves out of it, is there any form of helping hand we could have offered?

Deb has often reminded me that the best form of help is in the listening. As hard as it is to resist offering advice, it might be best not to. Often this kind of depression is relentlessly cyclical: good days followed by bleak pleas of “Why me? Why this? Why now?”. Possibly the only consistently successful offering in these dark times is the simple assurance that “it will be okay.” Because, like so many modern philosophers are saying, “In this moment, you are okay, and so shall you be okay in each moment that follows”.

And that, in a nutshell, is how even the most optimistic of us survives the ride.