London Diary, Day Seven: This Time It's Personal

Deb: I have a dear friend whom I have known since 1990 when I started with the Second City in Toronto. She was the producer of the theatre and therefore my boss, but we have over the years developed a wonderful friendship of love and trust. It was a road fraught with construction signs and detours given the status issues we needed to overcome, but we came to it, as humans often do, through adversity and the bond of something more.

The “more” was our struggle to become mothers. We wanted it so badly and we were united in the fact that we knew that neither of us could be truly happy until that happened. And it did. For her twice, and for me, once. We celebrated the birth of our babies knowing all too well that it could easily not have happened for either of us.

Today in London I was lucky enough to spend a full day with her eldest, the lovely Kaitlyn. Just a few years older than the boy, she works here doing a fabulous job that will help make her resume sing! The best part is, she loves both the job and London. We certainly share that view and we yakked about our London Love all the way in the cab like we were mooning over the latest boy band.

Our time together today was as the English say––brilliant. She came to a taping of Colin’s show  “Our Life In Your Hands” and said what any dutiful young woman would say, “Colin is the best.” Bless her wise little heart. I will not question Kaitlyn’s taste as she has clearly developed into a sage young woman!!!!

After the taping, she and I were off to a wonderful Indian restaurant for dinner. Colin had a second show to do but we blew it off in the name of hunger and thirst. We arrived at the restaurant. Let’s just say we talked. And talked. And laughed. And talked.

I remember her as a tot, toddler, young girl and lady, but tonight I had dinner with the woman. She is poised, charming, warm and is  perched on the brink of her very exciting life. Living it and dreaming it, all at the same time. I am happy and proud for her and I am so proud of my friend for what she and her husband have wrought.

I did not know what to expect. I wondered if we would be awkward given our history. I worried that it would be all question and answer by rote given the difference in our ages. But it was fun and I learned about her and from her. I hope she felt the same. I did not dare think it would be this lovely.

In the end it reminded me that each generation is exactly the same. We are thankful to our parents and the gifts that they give, and then we move on to make our own mark, our own mistakes. Afterwards we must stand alone to cheer our own triumphs. She and I talked about the fact that, although we all know we will turn into our parents, as we get older we lament it less and less. In fact sometimes we want it!  Wise words from a twenty-something. She has the world at her feet, this girl. And it reminded me that we all do. No matter our age or station or stage in life, we all do.

Kaitlyn and I wanted a photo before saying goodnight. We stopped a passerby who not only offered to take it, but moved us to a better light to try and make it nice for us. As he walked away, Kaitlyn said, "That's London!" Yep, it is!

This was a special night for me. Kaitlyn said to me as we hugged goodbye, “I needed to be Mothered tonight”. I am glad I could give her an eye-drop of mothering on behalf of my dear friend Sally who loves and misses her girl from across the pond. I will never forget this sweet little night. I hope Kaitlyn doesn’t either. 

Girls' Weekend Out

Barbara: I know this is easy for some people and not-so-easy for others. As one of the latter group for most of my adult life, I want to take a moment to recommend it: take a couple of nights away with some good women. I know it’s hard to get the time off, especially if you have kids. But do whatever it takes. Offer your husband or sibling or another girlfriend a reciprocal weekend off. 

Find some place to go that fits your budget. Plan it so that you don’t have to cook all the meals: ie, you divide the duties, including wash-up, so some meals you get to laze while others toil—and vice versa, of course. Bring lots of guilty-pleasure food (in our case, chips, kettle corn, and chocolate) and wolf it guilt-free, washing it down with yummy cocktails. Bring a few really fine meals to savour with fine (or cheap) wine. 

Do not bring expectations or judgment or recrimination. Bring joy and honesty and open arms. If you’re enjoying your sojourn in nature, do as our Mohawk friend suggests and listen to the creatures you come across––because each one is there to tell you a story (and each of you may need to hear a different one). If you can’t get to the wilds, I’m sure every place has some kind of story to share, even some good ones. 

You will feel a million times better (and wiser) afterward. If someone had told me this even ten years ago, I would’ve argued that the work involved planning a weekend away without the family wasn’t worth the stress and trouble. My older self wants to tell my younger self she’s an idiot. My younger self would’ve argued I couldn’t afford it. My older self would say you don’t have to go anyplace exotic to have a good time––sleeping bags on floors will do for a weekend. My younger self would’ve asked which girlfriends would fit the bill, would fit together, would be fun. My older self would say that any good friends will do … as long as no one brings expectations or judgment or recrimination. They will fit together—maybe not perfectly or seamlessly, but willingly––because they need it as much as you. 

Deb: Barb does sing the praises of a beautiful thing. I love my gals getaways. I am sure Barb was inspired by the weekend we just had at a friend’s farm. It was glorious. Barb has recently joined the group of us and is now lured by the getaway siren-song of too much food, booze, laughter and food. Food. Had to say Food one more time because well ... Food! We are so excited to get up there and see each other, you would think we just got out of prison. And yes it is easy and sweet, we chitchat about nothing and sometimes we explore our innermost thoughts. The whole weekend feels like a big blanket of estrogen draped over our shoulders. But I’m thinking we better get busy and make a quilt because the estrogen is in short supply as the years wear on!

Best Friends

Barbara: As this is a blog featuring two friends, I feel compelled to examine female friendship for a moment—and might as well start with the divine Ms. M, my blogger buddy.

Can I just say she is everything a girlfriend should be and I love her for it. Thanks to Deb and my other best friend, Charlotte, I have discovered the joys of what it’s like to have a truly great girlfriend, which as it turns out is someone who listens to you, supports you, celebrates you, and believes in you one hundred percent WHEN THEY DON’T EVEN HAVE TO (ie: like your parents or husband).

And they actually and truly MEAN IT (you can always tell when someone is faking their support, right? It’s that artificially high pitch in their voice. Or maybe they never inquire about your life at all…). The thing is, though, the presence of these super gal-pals in my life has also made me realize just how ignorant I used to be when it came to friendship with women.

I grew up very independent and self-sufficient (just ask my mom), and while I had female friends, I always kind of (and for this, of course, I blame myself) held them at arms’ length while I focused on my personal pursuits and romantic love. I never shared deep secrets with my girlfriends, never sought them out in times of trouble, and always tried to be the “strong one” when things were difficult.

As I got older and had kids and struggled with my own aspirations, I felt myself become fundamentally lonelier and lonelier despite having a loving husband and daughters. With no real girlfriends around with whom to commiserate, I had painted myself into an emotional corner. And I had let it happen for all the usual reasons: the women in my life had become on the one hand more like “progeny” I felt compelled to mother (who, in my mind, couldn’t possibly bear the weight of my own disappointments), or on the other hand, turned out to be the kind of women who “shocked me with their selfish behaviour”, or were “bitches” or “whiners”, or worse, threatened my world.

It took me to hit rock-bottom before I realized I had left myself without that precious life-preserver: a true girlfriend. That’s when I made the conscious decision to pull up my boot-straps––at the ripe old age of 37––and begin to unabashedly troll for a best friend, coyly “interviewing” potential (and unwitting) candidates. Yes, I even joined a coffee klatch! I knew I’d know her when I saw her, and I certainly wasn’t going to settle—and this time, I was going to invest: time, energy, unconditional love, reciprocal support, and no-holds-barred honesty. Well, my efforts paid off with not one but two of the best friends a woman could ask for.

Thank you, Deb and Charlotte. Thanks for raising the bar and revealing the magic.

I still encounter many women of the “other” ilk, but no matter, you have both opened my eyes to the many rewards of non-judgmental companionship and girly fun. And, as if that wasn’t enough, you’ve also brought with you an even wider circle of satisfying friendships as well as helping me become a better friend to the fascinating women already in my life. Through you, I have also learned to bring my “best friend” skills (listening and sharing) to my dear and wonderful sisters.

Now that I know what I was missing, I ask myself: how could I have gone so long without this???!
 

Never too late to make friends

Deb: First of all, through tears, I have to say how touched to the core I was by this blog. So nice for us “straighties” to get a love letter from a straight sister. I am sadly lacking in lesbian love letters.

It was different for me, this friendship thing. I was the girl in school who had a gang. Old-school gang, which meant we called ourselves “The Roger Ramjet Club” and we would eat candy rockets and blackballs at recess and recreate moments from the previous nights “Laugh In” episode.

I always had gobs of girlfriends and they would fit into various categories from “nearest to my heart” to “good for gossip” friends. But mostly they were and remain dear to me. I still have lots of friends from public school, high school, college, neighbourhood, work and travel. I treasure them and I really work at my friendships.

So when I met Barb late in my forties doing a film together, I was not looking to add to my roster! As it was, I was hard-pressed to serve each friendship with support and time. Barb was not even being considered for membership. I thought we would end the film and go our separate ways, as actors often do.

Then something surprising happened. Behind my back and without my knowing, she became a soulmate. Without lobbying she worked her way into my heart and my life. I don’t think even she expected it to happen. But chemistry works for friends as well as lovers. Her purity of spirit was so compelling and is the thing that I love about her most to this day. And she came with perks in the form of her husband and daughters who have enriched my family’s life more than we can say. And she did it quietly and with grace.

She came and she stayed without even trying.

Barbara: Aw, Deb! See what I mean about supportive and loving?!

But straight on the heels of this uplifting “love-in”, I read this article by Leah McLaren in the Globe and Mail about loneliness.

Funny how even the “popular girl” suddenly finds herself unmotivated to reach out––on the one hand, knowing she kinda needs her friends, and on the other, unable to work up the energy to join the troops. Just reinforces the realization that effort is 50% of the end-result. Loneliness begets aloneness and vice versa oftentimes (but not always!).

Just wanna say again, it’s so worth the effort when you finally find “the one”(s). And keeps that ol’ lonely wolf at bay.

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