Nothing

Deb: In the last few weeks, I’ve had some physical episodes. I will not go into what they were as it doesn’t really matter, but they were alarming and puzzling. I have had problems with stress before and my attempts at channeling it. I am genetically pre-disposed to this stress condition, as my Mom has had many many issues over the years with this very thing. My Mom is a stroke survivor and, in support of this theory, they told her at the hospital that she stroked-out from stress. She had no blockages they could find and no medical issues that would have lead her to such a thing. When she was younger, in her fifties, she had several incidents of hives from stress. She would break out in them and scratch till she bled. I have the same symptom but to a much lesser degree. At one point, my Mom was so covered in hives, so completely covered from head to toe, in her nose and ears and around her eyes, that her face changed shape and she looked like a completely different person. I think this was her form of a nervous breakdown and she was hospitalized. My granny, Mom’s Mom, had a complete nervous breakdown when she was the same ballpark of age.

So this legacy of unpasteurized stress is my cross to bear. But I have had advantages and resources to call upon that Mom and Granny did not have. For one, I knew this years ago and started to do something about it. Actually, many things about it. Some major and some minor things. I know that I have reduced my stress level by leaps and bounds, but every once in a while...

As most of you know it has been a painful period of time for me regards my parents and their ever-changing condition. I get upset and feel pushed and pulled, confused and challenged, but I always come home and chill with some wine and some husband and some good food and movies. I am very good at knowing when I have hit bottom. But lately, although I have been carving out some time for me, I have still found myself facing some odd and very new symptoms. Then I realized that it is not just about taking the time out of a busy and stressful day, it is about channeling the sadness and pain that my parents situation brings, and that is not as easy. I realize now that the sadness I feel has latched onto my heart and my psyche and it is silently doing its damage. And that doesn’t go away just with a nap or a quiet glass of wine on the deck. So here is what I decided to do these last few weeks.

NOTHING.

I have given myself permission to just do nothing. And by nothing I don’t mean stare in a catatonic state out the window. But to really just hang out. Life of course goes on so in the day there are a few calls that I must make and a few errands that must be done but other than that, I am sitting and reading and playing with the pups. I am enjoying the garden and floating in the pool. I know this might sound like no big deal to some of you, but for the likes of me to do nothing is like nothing I have ever done before. Not in my home. Not unless I am a guest at a cottage or that type of thing. And even then.

I implemented a new scheme in my life.  I get up, make breakfast, sit outside, and read my book. First. I have NEVER done this before. I will read my book and then if I have time I will get to the newspaper, and maybe if I have some more time I will “visit” Facebook. But I really wanted to read my books. And my feeling was, if the day gets away from me, then at least I am comforted to know that I have read for an hour in the morning. A dear friend said to me when I told her of my plan, “Be careful you don’t become obsessed with this plan, forcing yourself no matter what comes to read and then be disappointed if you don’t. You know how we are!” I assured her that so far that was not happening, but I knew what she meant. The not doing is not in her nature and it is not in mine. So I thought, “Wow, am I forcing myself to relax?” In my panic to become stress-free, am I panicking? In the midst of panicky panic and counter panic and non-panic tactics, how does one tell?

So I just really took a dramatic step back from the every day of it, the do of it, the on top of it. And I fell into the do-nothing and when I landed, I did not struggle and scrape to get up. I laid back literally and figuratively and gave myself this gift. Gave it with love, and then, rather than open this gift, I just stared at it, all wrapped up knowing that I already knew what was inside and didn’t even have to open it. As a result, this de-stressing has become a lovely lovely habit that I am not ready to quit.

I am normally the woman who cannot read a magazine in the middle of the day lest I feel guilty. But no more. Hart made a comment in a blog last week about North American society and the fact that we cannot just give ourselves a break. We cannot just let go and take holidays and time off in the middle of a stressful day without being wracked with guilt. Hart was right and I am a very bad offender. The guilt stacks up in my body so high that I sometimes feel I am choking on it. Nobody is doing this to me. I am doing this to myself. And it must stop. And I am working on it. Or rather I am anti-working on it. At the risk of sounding like a drama queen, my life may one day depend upon it.

Barbara: You are so not a drama queen, Deb. So very far from it, in fact, that I am beyond relieved to hear that you have found a concerted and gentle plan to de-stress and cope with what is, for all intents and purposes, one of life’s seriously difficult life-challenges. Thanks so much for your honesty through this—and by that I mean, for the honesty with yourself that then coalesces into honesty with us. Because we all go through these times, we just don’t always recognize the absolute need for our own concerted coping strategies. We really do have to step back from the muck from time to time, guilt-free and bravely, if we’re ever going to survive the serious and heavy-duty business of emotional muck-racking. All our lives depend upon it!

Weird Energy––1, Deb––0

Deb: We are in some sort of strange vortex right now, my family and me. So many weird things are going on in our lives. It is a time where emotions and events are stretched wider than Plastic Man (for any comic buffs). The greatest things are happening and the worst things are happening. We have beloved people in our lives fighting for their lives, and the joy of a puppy. We have support and love around us, and hate and bad wishes.

I know that all of us have these things in our lives from time to time, but this––this––is hyper drive, it’s to the max, it’s 3D, it’s life squared. It’s like the world is ending so the universe is trying to give us all things at once. And I don’t just mean stressful things. I have been down that road many times in my life before with the never ending bad news and funeral after funeral and the sad that you thought would never stop being. And even then I could cope. I knew what the beast was. I knew it was bad and sad and that it should bring sadness and so I could handle it.

This is different. It is everything. Absolutely everything. Good bad, sad happy, up down, in out, rich poor, love hate, anger joy, healthy dying, Life is heightened. I am losing things, dropping things, forgetting things, finding things, crying, yelling, laughing, dancing, eating, drinking, and popping Advil.

And worst of all I am panicking. I am losing it. I want to scream. I am feeling trapped and helpless and fed up and powerless. I want to go away from here and I want to stay here. I am employing all of my considerable coping skills and getting nowhere fast. I know this too shall pass, but right now, I am toast. Put jam on me.

Barbara: In classic Deb-style, you still finish with a smile. We can try putting jam on Deb, but my guess is it won’t take. At least not right now.

This post totally resonates with me because (as you could probably tell by my Friday post) I feel it too. And I also feel it’s larger than me and larger than my circle. It does feel to be everywhere, this frenetic incomprehensible vortex that brings madness and mayhem in all its darkness and in all its glory.

Maybe it is like a tornado in more ways than one. Because I do think––as cliché as it sounds––that we are safer in the eye of it. You know, where it’s still and quiet while all hell rages around you.

I don’t know if any of you are experiencing this maelstrom as well, but if you are, I wonder what would happen if we all banded together (in spirit) and decided we would ride the storm in its centre, we would breathe quietly, and we would accept all the whirlwinds around us for whatever they might bring. Because even after that real tornado passes and even after you mourn the destruction in its wake, seedlings of all kinds do push up and grow. And the seedlings can sprout completely unexpected vegetation that may even––after time, mind––bud and bloom the most beautiful flower we’ve ever seen.

Disney World for Luke's 16th birthday

Because—here’s another overworked cliché––apparently we can’t get off the rollercoaster in the middle of the ride. Thank god for the Advil.