Monday, October 4, 2010

Weird Energy––1, Deb––0

Deb: We are in some sort of strange vortex right now, my family and me. So many weird things are going on in our lives. It is a time where emotions and events are stretched wider than Plastic Man (for any comic buffs). The greatest things are happening and the worst things are happening. We have beloved people in our lives fighting for their lives, and the joy of a puppy. We have support and love around us, and hate and bad wishes.

I know that all of us have these things in our lives from time to time, but this––this––is hyper drive, it’s to the max, it’s 3D, it’s life squared. It’s like the world is ending so the universe is trying to give us all things at once. And I don’t just mean stressful things. I have been down that road many times in my life before with the never ending bad news and funeral after funeral and the sad that you thought would never stop being. And even then I could cope. I knew what the beast was. I knew it was bad and sad and that it should bring sadness and so I could handle it.

This is different. It is everything. Absolutely everything. Good bad, sad happy, up down, in out, rich poor, love hate, anger joy, healthy dying, Life is heightened. I am losing things, dropping things, forgetting things, finding things, crying, yelling, laughing, dancing, eating, drinking, and popping Advil.

And worst of all I am panicking. I am losing it. I want to scream. I am feeling trapped and helpless and fed up and powerless. I want to go away from here and I want to stay here. I am employing all of my considerable coping skills and getting nowhere fast. I know this too shall pass, but right now, I am toast. Put jam on me.

Barbara: In classic Deb-style, you still finish with a smile. We can try putting jam on Deb, but my guess is it won’t take. At least not right now.

This post totally resonates with me because (as you could probably tell by my Friday post) I feel it too. And I also feel it’s larger than me and larger than my circle. It does feel to be everywhere, this frenetic incomprehensible vortex that brings madness and mayhem in all its darkness and in all its glory.

Maybe it is like a tornado in more ways than one. Because I do think––as cliché as it sounds––that we are safer in the eye of it. You know, where it’s still and quiet while all hell rages around you.

I don’t know if any of you are experiencing this maelstrom as well, but if you are, I wonder what would happen if we all banded together (in spirit) and decided we would ride the storm in its centre, we would breathe quietly, and we would accept all the whirlwinds around us for whatever they might bring. Because even after that real tornado passes and even after you mourn the destruction in its wake, seedlings of all kinds do push up and grow. And the seedlings can sprout completely unexpected vegetation that may even––after time, mind––bud and bloom the most beautiful flower we’ve ever seen.

Disney World for Luke's 16th birthday
Because—here’s another overworked cliché––apparently we can’t get off the rollercoaster in the middle of the ride. Thank god for the Advil.


  1. We are feeling it. It's a kind of sensory overload. Some days I don't want to sleep because my dreams display my anxieties and other days all I want to do is sleep so that I can avoid the real-time overload.

    Count me as one of the people who want to hunker down in the eye.

  2. *sigh* Bless y'all's hearts. I do understand. I truly, truly do.

    *holding y'all in the warmest, tightest, snuggliest hugs*

    And, I would be honored to sit in the mud with y'all. I'll bring a backpack full of Excedrine Migraine, cold cans of Pepsi, cheesecake fudge, and warm, fuzzy socks.

    Oh yeah, and a big punching bag for us to whallop on when the urge strikes.

    And, when the flurry of debris settles, we'll sprinkle glitter on it while singing 1970's TV theme songs and having the last laugh.

  3. Oh, and Deb, you get bonus points for the Plastic Man reference. ;)

  4. Lisa yes, sensory overload. that was the one word missing from my blog. I literally did not know where to turn and when the overload is within,'re kinda stuck with yourself right? Oy. Rigel thanks for all your good wishes as always, and yes thrilled that you loved the plastic man reference! Actually I am feeling more human today. My humanness crept up on me a little yesterday when I wasn't paying attention.

  5. Deb -

    Have you had adequate intake of Doris Day movies lately? Maybe you need to remedy a Doris Day defficiency. With a side order of Hayley Mills, maybe?

  6. I love it when you let your vulnerable heart hang out there, Deb, and you too Barb. That is what I like to see in blogs.
    What you say is happening in your life makes me think of this quote that I have printed and stuck into a collage that covers an entire wall in the hallway of my "old" house, a mile down the road. It helps me cope, or maybe just accept, which I often am struggling with. It's from the Kama Sutra film, and it's what the star says after her lover has been executed by a jealous ruler and she is walking out of the city:

    Knowing love,
    I will allow all things to come and go
    To be as supple as the wind
    And take everything that comes
    With great courage.

    As Rasa would say to me,
    "Life is right in any case."

    My heart is as open as the sky.

  7. Katrinka thank you so much for this gorgeous and true piece. It has helped me so much. "life is right in any case" will be my mantra. I am feeling better today. Fog is lifting.

  8. Haha! Yes, snap. Turbulence all around. I think it's the year. We're approaching 2011! Argh! We're so far in the future, it's frightening. If only we could change the year to something sensible like 1991. Well. Onwards!

  9. I so know what you mean by this post Deb. This week and for the past couple of weeks really it has been well hell,for the better lack of words. I have about 10 million things that is on my plate and so many things that I need to do and things that are happing that it's hard to even see a light at the end of the tunnel. I hope everything turns out ok for you. I think for me the only things that really that helps me out when I feel like this is to know that there are clear times ahead I just got to get all of these things out of the way to see the clear sky. Like I said I hope that everything turns out ok.

  10. for some reason this post left me speechless/commentless. Both scared and moved. Both understanding and wanting to run away lest it rub off on me. And thinking it already has. Is set in motion... will hunt me down. I like the quiet eye of the storm and I'm all for banding together. But I'm scared too. Instead of Advil, I'll take valium.

  11. Deb we all get that way at times. In the last 2 years, I have more often than not wanted to jump in the truck and leave everything behind. The problem is most of the trouble is related to my heart problems. I just can't figure away to out run my body??? So like Barb said just hunker down and ride through the storm. It is alway quieter and calmer after it has passed.

  12. M.J,onward indeed, or to quote my favourite line from Plan 9 from Outer Space "because the future is where we will spend the rest of our lives!" Gae your instincts are serving you well. Run Run Run!!!
    There's just life-Your blog name says it all. There's just life. And on I go. Thanks to everyone today for the empathy. I shall stop whinning now and move on. But hell it felt good to get it out. Where were blogs when I was in puberty...or menopause. Dear Diary just didn't cut it.

  13. I am right there with you, girls. In fact, Barb and I talked about that very thing the other day. I wrote a whole blog about it too, a few weeks ago. All the good and the awful raining down on you in one big tangled mess so how the hell are you supposed to feel any of it? Seems we're all in the same boat. Let's keep our balance girls, lest we capsize!

  14. Deb -

    You're killing me with nostaligic geeky glee! First Plastic Man and, now, Plan 9 from Outer Space!


    But, nothing will ever, Ever, EVER top:

    Every. Single. Saturday. Morning.

    Love and hugs,

  15. Hollye, I guess it's not so weird that we dealt with the same thing is it? given that in a way, that's the point of this weird vortex of "what?" I am by nature a landlubber so I will try and stay on solid ground. Rigel, I love that you love the plan 9and Superfriends are you kidding me? Loved it. But how the hell is Robin keeping his mask on...really. Always bugged me.

  16. TOTALLY feeling it too. I wonder if mercury is in retrograde or some such thing...

    Deb-I hope it calms down, because if you puke while your spinning that fast, it is just a giant MESS.

    Barbara-I love your idea of a little spiritual cohesion and facing this all as one. I keep thinking "once this... and this.. and this... THEN FINALLY" but the list of 'this' keeps growing... hmph.

  17. For any astrology fans out there -- it's not mercury in retrograde, apparently there is some "hard angle" of planets that is notoriously volatile. So it could be that (confession: I love astrology).

    And also, Hart, that "list" you speak of has been the bane of my existence. Am trying to excise it. For good (*both meanings of the phrase*)

  18. I know the feeling. Too much going on. I suspect I know the feeling better than I know I know (I know - not very straightforward... Bear with me...). Every now and then I am so stressed out, overwhelmed, full of - sensory overload was the word, yes? - and I am convinced that this is the worst it's ever been. But once it's over, I forget how it is. And I go on with regular life. Perhaps that's how we work? Survival technique?

    And I must say I love that picture. Captures the moment perfectly :)

  19. I don't believe in astrology. But, your comments made me remember a REALLY good, silly library book I read a few months ago. It's a delightful, easy bit of fictional fluff, good mental stress release. It's called _Mercury in Retrograde_ by Paula Froelich. Here's the amazon link:

    It's about a group of women who end up living in the same apartment building after their lives all go klapooey in different ways and then their journey out of kaplooey towards new found awesomeness. My favorite character is Lipstick Crash (a dubiously earned nickname), the daddy's girl socialite diva who turns fashion designer/seamstress. It is a VERY funny book. Good girlie fluffity puffity bubble bath for the brain.

    *giggle* And, even though I find astrology totally wackadoodle (sorry, Barbara!), I guess I'd better give a shout out for us Capricorns (12/31/72)! LOL :)

  20. I'm a Gemini and I just love my sign.


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