Friday, March 4, 2011

Myself Through Your Eyes

Barbara: The receptionist at my gym thinks I’m a bitch. And you know what? She’s right.

We’ve all experienced that moment when someone reveals how they perceive you. Sometimes their revelation is flattering, sometimes it’s surprising, sometimes it’s … complicated.

I remember once my sister told me that when we played games, I was very competitive. I was dumbfounded. I’d never felt myself to be competitive. I mean, I always took the game-playing seriously. I love the puzzling, the need for quick wits, the mind calisthenics. But winning isn’t really super important to me. At least it doesn’t feel like it is. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy winning. A lot. But I’m never upset when I lose. Never get mad. It’s just part of the deal. Later my sister admitted that she might have been projecting her own heated battle over the Scrabble board.

Years later, I was invited to try my hand at curling as part of a festive gathering. Yes, some Canadians apparently have a thing for curling. I am NOT athletic, but I was determined to get a handle on this weird and difficult sport. We were divided into haphazard teams (pity the team who was saddled with me), and I gave it my all. I was bad––very very bad––which made any half-decent “throw of the rock” pretty darned exciting. There may have been ear-piercing squeals of delight. A few days later, the girl who organized the event told me that one of the players (who had never met me before) remarked how “very competitive” I was. “Very competitive” again. Me. My excitement and exuberance had been mistaken for something else. You hear me: MISTAKEN.

But back to the receptionist at my gym. She’s been working at the club for about a year now. Before her arrival, I had been (what I consider to be) a cheerful member for 15 years. But there was a change of ownership last year and since then a million new, annoying, redundant, expensive rules have been implemented. Every time I go to the gym, I get more and more annoyed. And this receptionist is usually the bearer of the bad news. Problem is, she tells me these rules in that grating (to me), officious tone that implies rules can never ever be broken. Or gently bowed. Not even for loyal, paying, long-term customers. She isn’t helpful or kind or sweet about it. Not to me anyway. And so now, as a result, I am cold and unsmiling to her. Bitten and shy (not once/twice, but over and over). We do the whole gym check-in––wherein we exchange all the necessary cards and towels––but we are mutually terse and cool. That essential part of my social self (my usual warmth) goes into hiding. Then—to emphasize, I think, just how much of a bitch I am––when other gym members come in behind me, she’s all smiles and cheerful greetings. The other day, her name and photo had been hung on the wall as “employee of the month”. Huh. Well, in her world, I’m the bitch.

As for impressions, I will say this: sometimes you’re right … and sometimes you’re wrong … and sometimes it’s not me, it’s you.

Deb: Let me say for the record, I have never seen a competitive streak in you at all. You are a team player in every way and I will compete viciously with anyone who says otherwise:-)

I don’t blame you for being pissed by the changes, but more about the way she executes the information. I am going through a similar thing with the receptionist at the dentist. She is sweet and always smiling, but she harasses me on the phone and in person about my husband and his appointments. I tell her time and again that I do not want to speak for him or book for him as he may have his own preferences as to time and day. Started out really nice with her and then the calls came fast and furious until I found myself being clipped with her. Felt badly about it, but I thought at least it’s over. Got to the dentist yesterday and she said, “Oh, Ms. McGrath, can we book your husbands appointment?” I mustered up every nice bone in my body and said, “I’m really not comfortable booking for him,” and she said, honest to Pete, “Oh it’s just that I hate to harass him." WTF? ... Sometimes it’s not me, it’s you.  You speak the truth, Barb!

13 comments:

  1. Deb that is too funny about the receptionist and Barb sometimes it is the bitch in us that we need to come out. My best friend before she passed away tried so hard to teach me to be a bitch. It didn't really work. I can say no now and mean it and I can muster up that inner bitchness when I really need it. I would be pissed by all the rules and that would irk me as well and probably I would just do the silent treatment. You are there to exercise so no need to talk to anyone.

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  2. Yeah Madge, we can't bother the husband, can't trouble the husband. Who am I, June Cleaver? and the thing is, he hates it too, finds it embarrassing. So funny that your friend should teach you to be a bitch. What I have learned, and it has saved me-to set up boundaries and stick to them. I have learned that speaking my mind in a nice friendly, professional way does not mean I'm a bitch. and...it has taken me half my life to learn it.

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  3. I am not by any means a rude person, but in my job I have to deal with every kind of person,including the bitches. I really try not to say anything to them and instead kill them with kindness,but after 20 min of me arguing with someone then I then to get a little pissed off, and once and a blue moon my bitch side does come through. I sometimes just can't help it, I will just be nice to people but its the ones who spend like 30 min or more arguing with me when I am busy that gets my bitch mood. But other wise my mean side is keep under lock and key .

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  4. Sadly, any time a woman says something others disagree with, and says it forcefully, she is considered a bitch. You won't do what they want? You're a bitch. Seems to be a fact of life, no matter how "nicely" you try to say things. We have to reach the point where we don't give a shit.

    I'd be bitching about that receptionist to the owners of the gym, Barb. If I were the owner, I'd want to know when my staff isn't being pleasant to my paying customers, who will soon start looking for more friendly places to work out.

    Sounds like that dental receptionist needs to be edumacated. Be sure to let us know when you do it!

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  5. Barbara -- I'm sorry -- I usually catch myself doing this to you -- do you dislike being called Barb?

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  6. Lyndsie you are a saint. 30 minutes or more arguing with me? They would be dead and I'd be in Jail!!!
    Kate you are right about the bitch=woman thing. So true. Man version? Dick I guess but they NEVER get that label as easily do they? And this is me, Deb speaking for Barb as she is skiing today. She will weigh in later but I can tell you that she is fine with Barb or Barbara. Her husband calls her Barb in fact!

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  7. Back from the slopes and it was great! Thanks, Deb, for weighing in for me. And yes, Kate, Barb or Barbara is fine. I'm just "Barbara" to myself! Glad to know I'm not the only "bitch" out there ;)!!

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  8. Hopefully we all have an inner bitch to look out for us when necessary, like when we are being taken advantage of, or abused or when our boundaries are being trampled. I carry my bitch card, and only pull it out when the occasion calls for it. I think that's fair, and I'm glad I have it in me.

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  9. Hollye, I think I have finally learned to be a card-carrier. I think it's a skill well worth keeping in the back pocket.

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  10. I've been in that position where someone appears or flat out does not like me and it perplexes me when I haven given them no reason (as far as I can tell). I become awkward and nervous around them and next thing you know, I'm not very likable. I seem moody and sour. Drives me batty!

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  11. I know, eh? When I become someone unrecognizable because of some random person's perception? Ick.

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  12. Hi,

    I am living in a Asian country where the locals will do anything to try not to show their bitchiness/anger. It is considered to be very rude and a huge loss of face. This of course makes me want to be all the more bitchy! Especially at the gym reception counter! Thanks for this blog, I enjoy reading it.

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  13. Welcome Sydney! Well, you sound very likable to me so :)

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