Here it is: When the boy
is living in another city/province/ country, I do not think at all about his
comings and goings. Seriously. I think about him with love and with longing to
see him, but I don’t fret and worry at all about whether or not he is safe or
when he gets home on any given night. I don’t focus on it. BUT ... and this is
a big but ... when he comes home to our family home, I worry. Is he safe?
“Luke if it’s late, take
a taxi!”
“That’s okay, Mum, just
going to subway it.”
“Oh ... ahhh ... great
... ahhh, will the subway still be running??”
“Yeah, Mum.”
“Oh ... then ... good ...
great ... yep ... okay.”
And then I worry. I wake
up in the middle of the night when I have gone to sleep without hearing him
come in, and I stumble to his room, push open the door with sleepy foot, and
gaze until I spot his sleeping lump. But yes, the good news is, I do actually
go to bed and sleep. It’s not as bad as the first time he came home and I would
ram twenties into his paw and say, “For a cab, dear God, for a cab!” And then I
would proceed to sleep in front of the TV ‘til his key turned in the door. I am
much better now … and yet ...
Why? Why am I doing this
to myself? I went through many possibilities and this is the closest I can come
to maybe explaining it. I figure I cannot control his life outside this
city/province/country. But I can control it here at home. And yet, the truth
is, I can’t! But I guess it comes from a place of him being a little boy in
this house and, as such, the house is filled with years of Mum panic. It hangs
in the air like baked salmon and lives in my pee like asparagus.
So ... do I have three
dogs: Fanny, Bairn and Pavlov’s? Is it just trained behaviour? I hope so. And I
hope the fact that he, grown man he, will be living here for a stretch, that I
will evolve in this too, like every other letting go stage of his life.
To my credit though, I
say nothing to him and let him live his life.
But in the meantime ... fascinating, is it
not?
Barbara: I can’t believe
you’re writing about this, Deb!! Since Michele has come home, I’ve been asking
myself the exact same question: Why am I suddenly so concerned about her
comings and goings???
Like Luke, she is
responsible and savvy and street-smart. For the last school year, she has wandered
unchaperoned and unchecked-upon through a large and busy city. But suddenly, now that she’s home, I’m all
about the, “Why don’t you call when you get there?” “Make sure you send me a ‘I
got here safely’ text.” “Where are you going and who’s going to be there?” I
swear I didn’t worry about these things for one second when she was gone (well,
okay maybe a few times near the beginning there), but I am consumed by it now
that she’s back in the house.
Like you, I’m also trying
to make my questions to her sound innocent and offhand, trying not to burden
her with an idea that I suddenly don’t trust her anymore or want to lock her
up. But I have been finding myself worrying when she’s out. It is very … weird…
This was a timely post indeed. My soon to be twenty year old son is about to graduate with his Associates and from there transfer to UNLV in Las Vegas. On the other side of the country for goodness sake. Currently his being two hours away is too much for mom. I cry when I think about it but I never let him see it. Because when he is home and talking about it he is excited and his eyes are lit up and I know this is what he wants. There is little comfort in the fact that my sister and her 30 year old son live out there and would undoubtedly be there for him should he need anything at all. Because I am his mother and I want to be the one who is there for him, how selfish is that? And my fears are that something will happen and he'll need me and I won't be able to get out to him fast enough. When he's home I do in fact say things like Rick you should get to bed it's really late and he will simply say, "Mom." and I get it right away. There are boundaries he must respect when he's in my home and there are boundaries I must now respect in our adult relationship.
ReplyDeleteAnd it's no better with my 23 yr old daughter, now a mommy herself? Amanda hasn't lived at home since she was barely 18, she's been working supporting herself since she was 16 and yet still I find myself calling her just to make myself feel better. Her job at a mall requires her to lock up and walk out to the dark parking lot by herself and my mind plays out horrible scenarios of what could happen to my five foot one, ninety eight pound, vulnerable daughter. But the truth is Amanda and Ricky are anything but vulnerable and that's what we as parents fail to see. Maybe we want to see them as still needing us in every aspect of their lives? Amanda is a strong, capable and wonderful person and mother. And Ricky who when diagnosed as Autistic at four years old, was giving the following diagnosis. "He will never speak, he will never live independently and under the circumstances having just lost your husband. I think it would be in his best interest to be put in the Upstate Home for Children." That same day I chose to keep him at home and raise him just as I had my daughter and I never gave up on him. And now he's graduating from college and going on for more education. So my long, dragged out point here is perhaps our struggle is to see them as adults because it means letting go and as parents that is sooooooo hard to do. XOXO Mary
Mary I can relate to your story. And yes you are right, the letting go is tough.
DeleteI have no idea why I showed up as Anonymous again? But it's only me
ReplyDeleteWell, it's unanimous. I have the exact and I mean exact same problem. And since I'm the first to respond this morning, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that every woman (not man) will say they feel the same way as well.
ReplyDeleteWe have three daughters, two have gone away to school. With both girls, I had the same problems. It didn't get easier with the second. The third is about to leave for University in September and I am expecting to feel the same when she goes/and comes/and goes.
My husband doesn't worry about them when they are home. He wants to "check in" more often when they are away.
The way I look at it is, we've got it all covered. Someone is always worrying about them.
My mother said you NEVER stop worrying about them. I am now figuring out, as just about always, she is right!!
True! You never stop worrying about them. My parents still worry about me for heavens sake. The blessing and the curse of parenthood!
ReplyDeleteAnd we don't stop worrying about our parents either! Its a mutual thing!!
DeleteIt's a knowledge thing. You know, abstractly, that they're doing all these living-life things when they're not with you, but you don't know the details of it, so you can't develop concrete worries. But when they're actually around and you know when they go and come and all the details, you can't abstract any more, because you have concrete information to hang your fears on.
ReplyDeleteMy armchair two cents, anyhow. :-)
Kelly it's a good armchair you speak from. Thanks!
DeleteAwwh you girls !!!
ReplyDeleteI think my opinion would help here a lot coz....I am living with my Mom too !!! So I know how it feels to be on the other side..!!!
and honestly, its ok Deb, you tuned into the old pattern of thinking......the whole Mum panic thing...! And its normal...Try seeing it this way, what you described here is not even 5% of My moms panicking! So...its not much....
Its just that the version of you when Luke was a kid has woken up within just for a while....You'll adjust...give it time...and you'll be fine!!
The fact that you REALIZED that probably you need to calm down is what I'm proud of !!! Knowing that your kid is grown up and letting go must be so so difficult..But you are trying and thats awesome!!!
And C'mon what you described is so not panicking or controlling...Considering my mom!! With her...I love her very much but... She doesnt like the fact that Ive changed I guess....I used to be pessimistic and now I have completely changed....and she can't deal with it...And she has this streak where sometimes she wants me to be what SHE wants me to be....but I have my own principles now and THAT freaks her out!!! She is completely negative.....and I am completely positive....so we have our own CLASH OF TITANS going on here almost everyday !!!lol
Sweetie you'll be fine..!!!....Its awesome that you are trying to let go.....and you will eventually....
And if you are worrying if Luke's feeling uncomfortable about it....dont worry He's a great guy....I'm sure he understands this too and I'm gonna say one thing for sure....when you worry about us...we don't find it frustrating....we find it CUTE! (Even if we dont admit it sometimes ;)..don't tell my mom I said that)
Dont be so hard on yourself honey....You are one AWESOME MOM (Barb you too...mwah!)and its ok if you worry a little bit!!!!!
Oh and PS. You dont have 3 dogs.... when we skyped I heard you say "NOOO....FANNY....NOOO"..(Awwh that was funny lol) You don't do that to him now do ya ?
Thanks for the child point of view Shalaka! Yeah I guess it will just take time!
DeleteDeb, count me in on this one! I am expecting Hayden back from the dorm this week and know I shall immediately resume the clock-watching that accompanies her going out at night from the homestead. Meanwhile, I know during the school year that she is out and about pursuing the very same activities until the wee hours but, aside from the occasional stab of panic usually inspired by some horror story I've spotted on t.v., I really don't think much about it. Since I'm a big believer in giving kids space to grow up, I make a point of not tracking her electronically (that said, I sleep with my cell 6 inches from my head in case either child needs to call)so when she's out and about, to Barb's point, I have to rely that being "responsible and savvy and street-smart" will serve her. Worry...you slip your hand into its the day they are born and hold onto it forevermore no?
ReplyDeleteYes Annette, true enough. The job never ends with all it's fears and blessings. Thanks!
DeleteMy mom has these worry days. What I mean is, normally she doesn't appear to be overly worried about what I'm doing or where I'm going. She cares, of course, but doesn't seem to worry. But there are days that the Inquisition begins. Asking where I'm going, what are my plans for the day, etc. I ask her why she asking, and she just says "I was just wondering." I know she does worry, but she does it silently most of the time. I live with her right now, but I'm moving out over the summer, so I know this kind of thing will happen more. She also texts me randomly throughout the day to see what's going on, even when I'm at University. Once, I decided to stay on campus longer to have lunch with friends and my mom tried calling me. My phone was on silent still (from being in class) and I didn't realize it. I finally looked at my phone and realized that I had missed her calls and texts and called her back. Boy, was she freaked out! She was worried that something had happened to me.
ReplyDeleteDeb and Barbara, you two are great, loving mothers and the worrying when they are home thing is totally normal, I'd say. Worrying is caring, so we love it (even when it gets on our nerves!)xo
yeah Steph, the non replied to texts/calls can be worrisome. I am not so bad with that as I realize that he must just be busy and will get back to me. But it does get the heart pounding from time to time!
DeleteYup, I relate to this one! Thanks, Steph, for the reassurance.
DeleteI worry about my mom when she doesn't answer a call or text, too, so it's a mutual thing!
DeleteGood point Steph!
DeleteDeb and Barb, i think that all the worry you all go through just shows that you all are amazing moms. My grandmother still goes through worry about,me. Have i eat,am i gonna be ok at night when i go out. I knw the reason she worries is because she cares. If anything Barb and Deb it should just mean a lot to your kids which i know it does to show you care.
ReplyDeleteThanks Lyndsie. It is very insightful of you to realize that it is because your Grandmother cares. Not all younger people see it that way!
ReplyDeleteMy oldest is five years away from leaving home and then all of this begins for me. I'm tearing up and taking notes.
ReplyDeleteAhhhh honey, sorry to put you there before you need to go! Step away from the future Molly and enjoy them right now. Pretend you didn't even see this! :-)
ReplyDeleteLuckily my two are a quite a few years away from this stage in their lives, but I don't doubt that I'll be exactly the same! I'm bad enough now. ;)
ReplyDeleteI know Roz. So remember this cautionary tale and fight it baby fight it! For your own sake!
ReplyDeleteThey're your children! You'll always worry! Shoot, I'm 22 and my mom still worries. Especially now since we're living on our own soon. And I worry about my parents. I am always concerned for their well-being! :]
ReplyDeleteI feel like in this day and age a lot of my peers and younger wish they had someone that would worry about them...
Amen to that !!
DeleteKelly good point and another nice perspective from the point of view of children worrying about parents. Heaven knows I can relate to that!
DeleteI think I just caught a glimpse of my future.....From everything you've said I'm sure he's a great boy who if he notices realizes it's because you love him.
ReplyDeleteI will say though that even though my oldest is still no where near this age I'm already seeing that more access = more worry. Since getting her a cell I find myself worrying more often now then when she didn't have one. If I text her and don't get a response immediately I find myself chewing the inside of my lip wondering why. I know she may not have heard it, maybe it's in her backpack, maybe she's on her bike but maybe just maybe it's that dreaded something else. Intellectually I know I should wait for her to be more than 5 minutes late before panic sets in and yet knowing she has that phone but for some reason isn't responding.......argh!
I hear you Erin and I feel for you because like me, the challenge is not what the head tells you but what the gut screams. Lord knows I try to be rational!
DeleteMy sons lived out of state for college and also when they were married. One recently returned home and lives on my block with his family. When they were not in my sight I didn't worry. I even got a call from an ER doctor once who was very concerned about my son and admitted him to the hospital. I asked if I should fly out and he said not yet. I trusted him and when it was apparent it was something that could be serious and he couldn't fly home I did fly there. He recovered from a funky weird puncture in his sternum. I didn't shake or panic. However, when the other son moved to my street I worry now if I don't see his car home at late night or if I haven't seen the family around or heard from them. I remember my ex husband sleeping whether the boys were home or not and since I was in therapy I asked my therapist why was I a wreck imaging the worse. What he told me worked so well most of the time. Bad news travels fast and in 99% of the cases a person is late because they are enjoying themselves not because they are dead on the road. It cured me for the rest of their high school years. Now, when I don't see their cars home I almost always assume they are out having fun. Only once in a while does fear grip me and then I realize I have no control and sweep the feelings out (by imaging a broom doing just that in my mind). I think we are all normal and just Moms.
ReplyDeleteThanks Madge. I am loving hearing the tales of panic and triumph over same. Sounds like you have worked it out. Thank you. I am working towards that now! Posting this today has really helped.
DeleteWhen my little boy was 2 months old I called my mum and said that I'll be glad when the newborn phase was over so I can relax a bit more (I couldn't put him down for a nap without checking every few minutes that he was breathing). She said that it's been 42 years since she started having children and she's still waiting for that phase to be over...
ReplyDeleteIf I go to over to cook for her she won't let me use the big knife in case I cut myself. I point out to her that she doesn't call me up to make sure I'm not chopping an onion at home with too big a knife!
I know I'll be the same in 30 years I'm sure, but I'll try and fight it. :)
So funny about the knife Samara but I get it. We all have our buttons. And yes, we just have to keep on fighting that panic urge, right?
DeleteOh my god, Samara, this made me laugh so much!
DeleteYou guys are all just being wonderful loving and protective parents. It's normal :) and personally I like it when my mom checks in on me : ) It lets me know she cares....a lot :)
ReplyDeleteKelly that is a lovely way to look at it, thanks.
DeleteAh, yes I remember those days. To wait untill the "child" comes from the night out. Falling asleep while watching TV and laying in the sofa (well it was my bed, but that's besides the point). Also the worry later on when you are all by yourself, that will the "children" have enough money, and when they ask for it is it still enough? The comfort that I had, was the other would always ask for more, she really didn't shy about it. I also remember when the other wasn't able to get any contact to the older one. She didn't have her phone on, so we were fearing for the worst. I was lucky as when I called she answered me right away. She then explained that she is walking (in winter) to the womens safe house (about 20km journey). Oh, yes I can relate to this. I do have to say that I am actually quite a lucky one. Mine are already older than me :))
ReplyDeleteI had already started to write a response to this, which I have left here for your reading pleasure. It was really hard for me to have a take on this, but then my dear brain jolted me few memories. (I am in class, so I have been writing this for few hours :P ) So thanks to the memories, is the official reply above and the not so official (wrote so much so I have no hart to remove it) reply in here:
*Quite interesting reading, I have to say. Don't have any personal experience, although if you ask my mother she would concure with you. What I can remember, few years after moving out she didn't keep that much in contact. We weren't allowed to move near to any of our relatives. Well I did move few months before I turned 18 (and was considered adult). I informed her about it and because I wasn't going to do what she said, she decided not to talk to me for awhile. Well, lets just put it this way: I barely noticed it. My sis just told me that she is calling her.
So to me, when my mother has called it has meant that she needs money. *
Kasku, wow, you have had a different experience haven't you? Thanks for being open and honest and for giving the official and unofficial versions. I love that.
DeleteMaybe your mother never got the empathy gene (or brain synapse, or whatever it is). I'm not even being facetious or jokey here: I do think some people are born without it and I'm not sure if there's anything to be done for that. The good news? You have it a thousand times over, Kasku!! I'm so impressed with how you've obviously navigated your circumstances with such maturity and intelligence and patience.
Delete*Blush* Yeah, I may have had a little bit different experience than the average one. I also agree that there is definately something missing in her brain (or the gene). Aww, you too. I'm almost speachless.
DeleteKasku you seem to be working your way through all of this. As I said before I think it's so important that you are talking about it. I hope you have some closer outlets for this too.
DeleteSince I'm living at home, too...I know how this is.
ReplyDeleteMy Mom still is worried, when I'm not at home, and stays awake until I'm back...
And I don't do crazy stuff. I never (or barely) come home very late/early, but she is worried.
She always asks, when I will be back...
Sometimes I think: Moooom, I'm an adult. You don't have to "control" me.
But sometimes it's quite cute. It makes me feel safe and loved.
I know Becki and all I can say is that from a Mother's point of view, it's not an attempt to control, but an attempt to ease her busy imagination!
ReplyDeleteMy theory is that, since you KNOW they're out, and you KNOW they should be home around such and such a time, you worry about them being out. It's actual PROOF that they could get into trouble. I think that when the children live away, you don't know exactly when they go out and should be home, so you have nothing specific to be anxious about.
ReplyDeleteI don't stress about Sarah because I know the whens, wheres, etc. But it worries my mother when she goes out. "Ma, she's with her aunt." "I know, but I worry." Can't tell her not to worry. Not gonna happen.
I believe this because I, at age 44, live with my parents once again. When I, at age 44, head out, my mother still asks where I'm going, why I'm going, and when I'll be back. She get unsettled when I say, "I don't know." There are times when I really don't know. Can't help it. Unsettled-ness stays.
When I go to shows, I know I'll be getting home around 3am, or whenever. The door opens, I walk in, and immediately my mother asks me how the show was. Granted, she sleeps on the couch in the living room, which is about 10 feet around the corner from the door. But still.
I guess kids trigger some vibe in moms. I think moms plan this. It's harder to avoid than a squeaky floorboard.
Your theory about knowing is a good one and true I think. Because you KNOW, you worry. Yes. The difference for me with your experience Dawn, as the "child" and mine with my child is that I don't involve Luke. We talk about where he is going because he is interested in sharing and I am interested in hearing about it. I have been very careful that he shouldn't know I am worried when he is out. It was easier when I was pregnant. I always knew where he was! :-)
Delete"It hangs in the air like baked salmon and lives in my pee like asparagus."
ReplyDeleteWas I supposed to get past that line?
It is salmon and asparagus season, too, so it's obvious this is recent and relevant.
I'm glad you can get to sleep, though. We moms need that, otherwise we are too tired to worry.
Eileen I figured the line slipped under the radar! Thanks you're right. We need our worry sleep!
ReplyDeleteThis post sounds just like my mum. She stays downstairs, falling asleep in her chair ("I wasn't asleep, I'm reading my book... and snoring") almost every night waiting for my brother to come home from his friends house. He doesn't often come in before midnight and I can't convince her to go to bed before he gets home, despite the fact she has to get up at around 6.30 every morning. Meanwhile, my sister lives miles away in a large city and regularly goes out late with her friends, but mum doesn't require her to check in every night before she can sleep soundly, and she was the same with me when I was living away from home.
ReplyDeleteWhen I've discussed the slightly illogical nature of it with her she acknowledges that it doesn't make much sense but can't stop herself doing it. I occasionally get annoyed with my brother for consistently coming in late when he knows she'll be sat up getting a stiff neck from falling asleep upright, but on the other hand he's 20 years old and therefore has every right to stay out as late as he likes.
Solution? We'll all just have to leave home I suppose.