Friday, September 21, 2012

Showing Up


Deb: Barbara and I spent the better part of a day with a darling friend who is in considerable pain right now. She is faced with her sister’s sudden and advanced cancer. The hope the doctors are offering is minimal at best. It seems to be untreatable and inoperable. Our friend is shocked and sad. Or, I should say, profoundly shocked and sad. She is feeling her sister being ripped from her, and her sister I think is feeling the same way towards her entire world. Yesterday we set out to have an oasis day. The three of us got together to do something delightful. And it was the best thing we could have done.

I worried that the day would be a mirage rather than an oasis. I worried that she would want to enjoy the day but would not be able to, as thoughts would creep in to invade this fertile place of friendship. I mainly worried because we are not old friends, we three. We do not know her sister, nor do we have the history of their family to call upon. We cannot console her with lively memories and great stories. We cannot speak to her sister’s courage or resolve because we simply do not know her. We can’t reassure her in any specific way at all because we don’t have the background of their family.

And yet, as we walked along, into this beautiful September day, we took solace in just being there. The three of us. We were there just to be with her and she was there just to be with us. There was no mandate. We talked about it, we didn’t talk about it. We were just there. It wasn’t even about conscious support. We were just letting the day unfold into the lovely day our friend needed and that we also needed in the face of her sadness.

And it made me think about pain and suffering and even death, and the handling of these things. Often I am asked when someone is going into a hospital room or a funeral parlour, “What do I say, what should I do?” My answer always, after too much experience in this area, is simply ... to go. Show up. Be there. Arrive and be counted. That is it. That is all someone needs. You showed up. The same applies to the person who is the eye of that storm, experiencing that saddest, most painful part of life. They give themselves a huge gift when they choose life in the midst of pain, or fear of death, or death. And it isn’t easy to pull those covers off of your head and get out in the world when you are in pain. I have said before on this blog that I tend to hide out when I am sad or depressed. But our friend chose life and forward movement in the middle of her tragedy. She chose to counter the stall that she and her family is up against and come out into the sun. When you are faced with little or no hope it takes huge strength and fortitude to enable you to march out to find some sun, somewhere.

The day with our new and already beloved friend was neither maudlin nor depressing. Conversely, the situation she is facing is both, in spades. But our time together was a great example of putting one foot in front of the other. It didn’t take away her pain. We certainly didn’t NOT think about it. But it was lovely nonetheless. It was a few hours in the bosom of new friendship and life affirming activity. As we walked in the park, our conversation leapt and hopped, her sister’s situation not far from our minds. But the thing is, it did not negate what we were doing at all. It was an example of living. Living no matter what. As we strolled along, we three were beginning something in the face of that which is ending. Although we are new friends, I feel we will become fast friends.

And come what may, we will never forget this day that we all just showed up.

Barbara: Well, I couldn’t have said it better myself. You know it’s funny—I find that the older I get (maybe because I am more experienced in these things, maybe because I have learned so much myself about “letting go”) the less I worry about the support I am offering a beloved in pain. What I mean by this is: I am not analyzing my own support as I try to give it, wondering if it is helping, if I’m saying the right thing. I’m no longer, in effect, making my needs paramount, as I often—unintentionally—did in the past without realizing it. I mean, what is a worry about how well you’re supporting someone if not a worry about your own needs??? Instead, I am now just being. Being there. Being in the moment. Allowing the flow of conversation and love and support to, well, flow as it does and as it will. I am moved beyond words to look back on this precious day and see that we all—somehow—did exactly that: we flowed. As you say, Deb, the miracle, the grace, is in the living.

Deb: In case our friend reads this post, please accept this bouquet from us, as an example of our friendship and the loveliest of life.














57 comments:

  1. I really have no words but to say we are blessed to have two such as you in our lives who know what it is to be there for someone. I am adding your friend to my prayers and will light a candle at Mass for her tomorrow.

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  2. My heart goes out to your friend, her sister, their family, and all those that are feeling this pain, in one way or another. I know what it's like to feel yourself losing someone. I have to say that you two did a fantastic thing for her, and the fact that you were just there, no pressures to talk or not talk, was the perfect thing to do. When my grandmother passed, no one really did that for me. My mother was there, of course, but everyone else wanted to talk about it in a very forceful way and wanted to say all these things that were not helpful. Before her passing, I was sort of the black sheep of the family, I had little to no contact with most people jsut because, well, to be honest they didn't like me because I'm not part of that cookie-cutter family they wanted. When she passes, people put on these faces of caring and such, but I knew them too well; they pretended to be nice to me to make themselves feel better. After a few days, it was back to normal: no contact. I am fine with not having a relationship with these people since they are not exactly kind and caring, but it hurt more that they were so disrespectful. I got to the point once that I just had to walk away from everyone to vent my steam. I could not take it anymore.
    Here is what I have learned from my experience: there is never a "right" thing to say in these situations. Just admit to the person/people that you don't know what to say. That admission can mean the world to someone that is going through Hell.
    Sometimes saying nothing says everything.

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    1. I agree Steph, having been on both sides of this. I am sorry that your experience was lacking honest support. You deserve better.

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  3. Aww Sweetie! Soo sorry about your friend's sister. I can understand how hard it must be for her. You girls are the sweetest. You just being there for her wouldve made sucha big difference. And the gorgeous flower pix is sucha great example of friendship! I know the pain will still be there but it will be easier. I havent had many experiences where someone I knew was in the hospital or had just transitioned. I do try my best to go to the hospital and give them some hope and make them smile but like I said I cannot attend funerals or cremation ceremonies. Brings back tooo many memories. But If I know the family, I try and meet them after that tell them my situation. Like You said I dont know what to say or do.. So I take the approach where you just be there for them. Doesnt matter what you say or do just let them know you are there for them. Thats enough to make the transition a little easier.

    And Hon tell your friend that We are all here for her. And Not to lose hope. Miracles still happen. There are ways that will give her sister hope. Just hoping can create a big difference. I've been reading a book called "Heal your body" by Louise hay, she has given metaphysical reasons for dis-eases. She gives emotional reasons for dis-eases and affirmations that can make the healing easier. Saying the affirmation over and over until it sinks in helps heal the body. According to her every dis-ease is a manifestation of an emotional distress not just the physical cause. For what its worth I looked up the emotional reason and affirmation for cancer. Mostly cancer is because of deep resentment or hurt Or grief of some sort. And the affirmation is :
    "I lovingly forgive and release all of the past. I choose to fill my world with joy. I love and approve of myself."

    I know it sounds too easy but its worth a shot! IF she feels she wants to know more about this stuff or try it out. Ask her to email me or facebook me I'm here to help! Anything she needs I'll give her all the research I have. I might even know some people who have released cancer like this. That might help her tremendously. But its her choice so let me know.

    I am here sending healing, positive vibes and lots of love to her and her sister.
    xoxo

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    1. Thanks Shalaka for the lovely thoughts. I agree that positive thinking is a good way to go. I was speaking in the blog in practical terms given the givens but you are right. Miracles happen and should not be negated. I saw our friend last two years when everything pointed to four months tops.

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    2. Yeah well its worth a shot right? If the doctors arent able to find a way. Maybe its not because "theres NO way" but because we need to look at it differently!

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  4. You guys are all so wonderful! Thanks for adding your loving thoughts to today's post. PS Shalaka, in case you haven't checked back, Seana has now left some inspirational book suggestions on your comment yesterday. Thanks, Seana!

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    1. I did I did!!! I'm facebooking her right now!

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    2. BTW Barb I dont mind any good books! IF you read something I'd like lemme know!

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  5. I know Deb! And ya know what Cancer has done a lotta bullshit in this world by scaring people. Its time we kick its ass and let it know that nothing can stop us if we want to live! We can DAMN well choose how long we live or how we live!

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    1. you all well know about my mom being ill with cancer . thankfully it is not life threatening to mom but I know other people who have not survived it if there was one medical condition I wish I could wipe from the face of the earth it would be cancer .

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  6. I am sorry for you friends sadness and her sisters sickness. I know from experience how hard that can be to just sit and watch someone be ripped away from you by a sickness. . Deb the best thing I can tell you is just to be there for the both of them like you are doing . Sometimes it's just good to have someone there when you have a sickness or when your watching someone go through something. I know when my grandfather was going through this I felt the same way your friend did. I felt like he was being ripped away and all I could do is just sit back and be with him. It's a horrible feeling that no one should have to go through. And I wish both of your friends just peace... And I'm with Shalaka it's time to beat cancers ass and get rid of this damn stuff so that so many people don't have to suffer.

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  7. You are so right! We don't have to say the "right" thing or do the "best" thing, we just need to be there.

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    1. After all these years I think that is the case. Just be there for each other. No one is looking for you to "solve" their ills. They are looking for supportive eyes to look into I think. I know I am.

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  8. “Hearts are full”…. That's what I call it. When I feel/see anyone running on empty, I “show up” like a Full~Service~LoVe~station. We all need two things in life, LoVe and acceptance. That's it. It’s really that simple. Working at the suicide prevention center taught me, that my “gift” in life was to “show up”. Being present “is” the gift of LoVe.

    You girls are a VIP Full~Service~LoVe~station! Your story show, that “Hearts are full”… Hers, yours, and now ours. Thank you for sharing your LoVe so freely. Thank you for showing up. Love you girls.

    xoxox
    Sean’a

    PS... LoVe the beautiful bouquet!

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    1. Hearts are full. Perfect Seana. Just perfect. As always.

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  9. I think this may be one of the "realest" most grown-up posts I've ever read. I have been thinking a lot about the "mantra" "I am here," which means I am showing up for WHATEVER exists. I don't want to say too much here, except I love you both no matter how well or little we know each other because love happens in the real spaces that connect us heart to heart--the common experiences that link us. Barbara: thank you for "showing up" for me lately.
    I hope you tell your friend that having just lost my own sister, I am utterly available to her should she want to connect with someone who knows that specific experience. I can just show up to listen, to witness, or just to offer her these words of care. xo

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    1. Lori beautiful words. Thank you.

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    2. Lori, thank you so much!! love you! xoxo

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    3. love to all of you. I've thought about this post all day. believe me, showing up is noticed & appreciated beyond words even when it might not seem like it. xo

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  10. I love this. I think that when someone is hurting there are sometimes no words to say. Some of the best conversations I have had with patients are when they are dealing with a tough situation and I say nothing at all. Then I walk out feeling like I accomplished something great (this happened a lot during my mental health rotation). The ironic thing is I didn't say a word. I can't tell you how many times I have gotten a "thank you for just listening."

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    1. Yes Kelly, so right. Listening is a powerful gift to give. Great that you have given it so generously.

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  11. So sorry your friend and family are going through this but as you both said, just showing up and holding a hand or giving a hug is all you need. A kind word, a listening heart. Been there too many times myself and my friends. Sisterhood is a hard loss to bare but she has the sisterhood of friends to help soothe the pain.

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    1. Perfect Madge. Lovely words. A listening heart. I love that.

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  12. there is nothing more generous or kind than showing up and being there. well done.xoxoxo denny

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    1. And our friend who is pain showed up which I find more miraculous. Thanks Denny!

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  13. Sounds like just the right thing. I wish more people were able to approach difficult situations like this. Sometimes there really is nothing you can or even should do except be there. I think your approach was spot on.

    I tend to be very quiet and private particularly when it comes to mine and my families health because so few people seem to understand my need to just be in these cases. I want the comfort of people being nearby but I don't want to listen to platitudes, concern, pity, curiousity or anything else I just need company. Sometimes to just be there really is the most comforting thing of all.

    It's been a problem lately, avoiding people when I'm feeling down out of fear of having to listen to the "wrong thing". I convince myself of(hopefully)non existant slights, a reason that shows me so and so wouldn't care. Or if I'm unable to do that convince myself that their own problems in life mean I shouldn't add to their own worry with any of mine.

    Which just leads to me talking to no one and making me feel even worse. It's crazy but I can't seem to help doing it anymore. There are so many things I wish I could talk about with someone but really have no idea how to anymore. I think it's something I really need to get sorted out.

    How is it you two always post things which in some way help me? I guess by just being there.

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    1. I'm glad we could help today Erin. I do hope you sort it out. It's great that you are trying. I know you will find your way with it. The fact that you are working on it is a great step. Sorry if that sounded like a platitude! :-) because I know what you mean!

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    2. I too had trouble with asking for help, Erin, for all the reasons you state here. The way you get out of that vicious circle is one step at a time (or "bird by bird" as Anne Lamott would say). Not every effort will "work out", but soon one and then another and then another will. And pretty soon your friendships have expanded and so has your ability to be honest about your own needs. It is so so so worth it. Even going through the occassional shiite responses. You will find your diamonds. Good luck!

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  14. You two are so sweet.
    My thoughts go to your friend, her sister, and her family.
    I will add some flowers to the bouquet.

    http://imageshack.us/a/img820/9403/bieneg.jpg

    http://imageshack.us/a/img831/889/lavendel.jpg

    http://imageshack.us/a/img607/1932/mohn1.jpg

    http://imageshack.us/a/img692/6774/055kb.jpg

    I'm not good at saying the right words...and I'm often afraid that I might do the wrong thing...
    but I will take your "advice" and just show up. Because that's what I can. I can be there.

    I read in a newspaper article about a psychiatrist, who comforts parents, who have lost their children, that it's not important to say these wise words: "Everything will get better. Blabla," but to be there for them.

    Because most people are too afraid to face them. And that these parents need someone, to whom they can open up and talk about their feelings...


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    1. Becki the flowers are beautiful. Thanks for adding to my camera bouquet! Sometimes it is good to even just sit by someone when they weep and let them know that it is good to just weep.

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  15. I agree that best thing one can do is to show up and spend time. I have done so in different situations. I do remember spending a father's day weekend watching movies (mostly by myself) just so that my friend didn't have to spend it alone. Excatly a year ago my granny died. Despite all the high hopes, all has gone back to normal (family member-wise). During that time it ment a lot to me that my friends said that they would be here for me if I needed it. I am lucky to say that I didn't need any extra support as I was already quite well taken care of.

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    1. What a lovely thing to be able to say Kasku. You are well taken care of indeed!

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  16. Can I add my flower pic to the bouquet? That is the best I can offer in this situation I believe.
    http://imageshack.us/a/img35/3370/img0503rh.jpg
    I think it is called a bleeding heart....or that is what my Gram told me it was called. : ) I took this photo in our local park : ) <3

    PS credit to Becki for leading my to Imageshack : )

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    1. aww I love this kind of flower! :)

      And you're welcome

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    2. I love the bleeding hearts-pink and white. And as you can see I love taking pictures of flowers. Great combined effort Kelly and Becki!

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    3. I love nature photos too! My computer is filled with hundreds I have taken over the past year or so : )

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  17. The power of presence is a lot more powerful than we realize. Please know I am praying for your friend's sister. You both are an inspiration.

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    1. Thanks Holly. And I like that. The power of presence.

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  18. Wow, what a beautiful post. As Holly said, you are an inspiration. And you're all in my thoughts.

    I was never very good at 'comforting'. I'd run out and get you a tissue or a glass of water - anything to avoid the situation.
    I could never think of something to say. And while I was 'thinking' about the perfect thing to say (as if there is such a thing), I missed the opportunity to just be there for someone. Like Barbara says, it becomes about you instead of the other person - head vs. heart I guess. As always :-)
    And then I got interested in massage and bodywork. And ever since, when I see someone who needs comforting, or just a cheer-up, I find myself wanting to touch them - no talking but just being in contact, being quiet and listening. And then whatever happens always feels right. We may end up talking for hours, but that first moment is non-verbal. It might seem so logical and easy, but for me it was a revelation! It took me out of my head to (hopefully) "be there" for friends and family from the *heart* - talking optional :-)

    Margo

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    1. Touching is perfect Margo. Touching another person is such a great gift. In times of sadness and stress, I would love to be massaged and cared for. It would certainly help me. Glad you found your gift to give.

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  19. I'm so sorry for your friend. I've always found that people tiptoe around death or step back altogether when, as you say, just being there for them is often enough to ease their pain. I'm so glad she has you two in her life. ♥

    This post makes me think of an old quote:

    'True friends are like stars; you can't always see them but they're always there, and they shine brightest in your darkest hour.'

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    1. Roz that is such a beautiful quote. Thanks so much for adding it to the conversation.

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  20. Your friend is lucky to have friends like you. Sometimes just being with someone who cares for you is more healing than anything words can say.

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    1. It's true isn't it Molly. And we got so much from being with her too.

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  21. Hanging out with people you trust and acknowledging, not just life, but all the events that can happen in life, is a wonderful gift to give and receive. The day strengthened all of you. I'm glad you were all together.

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  22. I think you're right Dawn. I think it strengthened us all. Thank you.

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  23. Two days ago, we had a memorial service for my Mom. She too was struck with an inoperable tumor. It's quite possible that the reality hasn't completely engulfed me yet, as I had been taking car of her for the last year +. As sad as the situation was, we found ways to keep some sense of normalcy. At the end, we both were at peace with the inevitable outcome, and actually took a strange sense of comfort in it. Deb...I appreciate, and understand your message, because it's completely true. All one can do is be there, be normal (for their sake), and enjoy the small moments while you can.

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    1. I am so very sorry about your Mom. What a time for you in this life. You will always always, even through the pain remember this is one of the best things you've ever done. And she will remember that the person she brought into the world was there for her when she left. Peace.

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    2. Thinking of you, DJ. Sending love and some "here" there. xo

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  24. I only know one person with cancer, however he pulled through. I do, however, remember someone who committed suicide. We were barely teenagers at the time, and none of us knew what to say to each other when he died, especially to me, since I knew him best. When I broke down at his funeral, and everyone hugged me, I just shook and thanked them for being. For being alive and letting me meet them and become their friend, for making my life joyful, and I willed them never to go away. Just being there is a powerful thing, even though we hardly ever realise.

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  25. What an awful thing to go through as a teenager. I am so glad that you had people there for you when you went through the pain. It's funny though isn't it, because it is not something you want to be able to pay back any time soon. No one wants a loved one to feel that kind of pain. But I know you will, when you are called.

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  26. i am very sorry to hear about your friends sister deb . my heart goes out to her and her family . here is my contribution for a cyber bouquet of flowers .
    http://www.flickr.com/photos/irishmanufantransportpics/7943976004/in/photostream

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  27. Thanks Linda. She has been reading this and is so grateful for everyone's supportive and loving comments. Your bouquet was a stunning addition to the flowers.

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  28. Deb & Barbara-
    Thank you for the kind words. Also, I would be remiss if I didn't also thank Colin for tweeting the link that brought me here in the first place.

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