Pick Up The Phone!!!

Deb: I love email. Live on the email. It has made my life simpler and I am able to get more things done in a day as a result. Think of how many times we have a huge list of calls to make and no time to do them? Think of how many times we can just dash off an email and make a date, solve a problem, right a wrong.

People often say that technology has interfered with our lives, taken over and removed us from the “each other” of life but where email is concerned I beg to differ. As a result of this faster than light communication tool, I have been able to spend more time doing more things with the people I love.

“Hi Barb. Love to have lunch this month. Here are some possible dates:

Monday the 19th

Wednesday the 21st

Friday the 23

If none of these is good for you, please suggest what might work. Looking forward!

Love, Deb xo”

“Hi Deb,

Would love to get together and:

Wednesday the 21st is great. Say noon at the Queen Mother?

Can’t wait!

Love, Barb xo”

“Hi Barb!

Done.

Love, Deb xoxoxo

Okay so that took all of two minutes AND I was sitting in my housecoat and slippers AND we did not slide down the slippery slope of chatting on the phone about everything we were going to gab about during the impending lunch!

But ... you knew there had to be a but. Sometimes email does not do it! At all. Sometimes in fact it can be misconstrued and misleading. Email has no tone of voice, no soul. So, in order to make sure an email is taken in the right spirit I have gone to great lengths to fill said email with tons of LOL’s and :-) and :-( and (tee-hees) and (har)’s. I have even gone so far as to start the email with the following” “Hi just so you know this note is sincere and although the tone might seem irreverent, I want you to know I am being serious.”

At that point it always occurs to me that it might be time to pick up the damn phone.

I have been hurt and have hurt others by sending emails that were completely misconstrued and after the back and forthing we have had to agree to pick up the phone and straighten out the misunderstanding.

Barb and I had one such incident a few months ago. Barb sent a blog to me that I just did not “get”. Now when I say I did not get it, I don’t mean it wasn’t well written or wasn’t clear for that matter, but my brain was overloaded on that particular day and I just could not find my way through it. I responded with that tone and she sent me an email saying that “she wasn’t quite sure what to do with my response” and I took it to mean she was hurt that I had not gotten it. What she actually meant was, that she was genuinely concerned that her blog made no sense and was thinking it was bad and that she would chuck the post.

As it turns out, she was not upset at all with me. She was upset that she felt she had failed to communicate her ideas. I on the other hand thought I had offended her. She was upset that she thought that I thought that I had offended her (breath) and on it went...

At this point we should have employed the pick up the damn phone!  option. And, actually around 11pm Barb suggested doing just that but we did not as I had a mega-migraine and had to be up at 6am for a flight. So we agreed via email that we both had the best intentions and that we were both looking after each other’s feelings. Having smoothed ruffled feathers we said our “love you’s” and went to our respective beds.

Because Barb and I are great at communicating with one another and never have falling outs, we were fine. But there have been other times with different people when it has not gone as well. There have been times when I was so sure that I had been so clear and yet, my meaning was lost on the recipient. 

I am usually pretty good at knowing when to do the pick up but this one showed me yet again that I must be more diligent in this regard.

I love email. Live on the email. But every once in a while I must give a tip of the hat to Mr. A.G. Bell. He knew what he was talking about.

Barbara: You told this story so well, Deb, I have nary a comment to add. Other than the obvious reiteration that intent is everything. And sometimes it’s easy to convey, and sometimes it’s not. And of course our own insecurities and foibles are going to colour our receptors. And so we end up speaking in “defensive mode” about our own shortcomings instead of really reading what the other is trying to say. And sometimes (as I know you’ve discovered, Deb) all the lols and :) and ;) and ha!s in the world won’t make a damn bit of difference in getting past someone’s defense mechanisms (me and my dastardly fear of not communicating well!!) With a live conversation, verbal tone can at least impart intent. Way easier.

But I won’t give up my 2-minute email—no friggin’ way!!

Slow That Number Down

Deb: Slow that number down please. My brain is not a computer.

Think of this blog-post today as a public service announcement for all of you who have ever been victims of the rapid-fire phone number message.

You know what I’m talking about. The “Hi, this is Dr. Asure’s office confirming your appointment. Please call us back to confirm at 4175559041.” And they proceed to rhyme off the number faster than the speed of light.

I have found myself on the receiving end of these number sprinters on many occasions and I can’t tell you how it annoys me to take time out of my busy day to have to listen to the message eight or nine times, each time picking up just one more number.

And when these people, these rushers of numbers, are on the receiving end of said messages, do they ever think, “Hey, wait a sec, I do that! I should stop.”

Clearly they don’t. And yet it is such a simple thing to fix really, isn’t it?

Beep ... Hi this is Deb McGrath calling. Please call me back at  4...1...7...5...5...5...6...1...6...1.

That number again... 4...1...7...5...5...5...6...1...6...1

And done. Solved.

I am quite confident that now that I have spoken up, this will never happen to me again. I am sure that word of this menace will now spread like wildfire, the plague, or a congressman exposing himself.

Boy, when I rule the world...

Barbara: Ha, Deb! I hope you friggin’ rule the world soon because this menace has terrorized me more times than I can say. And is often brandished by a person who also speed-mumbles their name, leaving me with not only a call-back number I must decipher, but a caller I must fake-ask for (“Yes, I’m returning (mumble) Fafafa’s call.").

Thanks, Deb, for taking on this most noble cause. Spread the word everyone: Citizens for clear phone messages!

Express Yourself!

Barbara: So easy, right? Just say it. Be confident, be honest. People will listen. They will get it. Right?

But what if it’s not so straightforward as all that???

The other day I was trying to explain something to Deb. (Okay, it was about how to link our blog to her Facebook account. And you already know how the FB is making Deb freak a little bit. So I wanted to be deft.) Now, I’ve worked very hard to learn how to express myself as clearly as I can. You who know me only from the blog can’t really appreciate just how tangent-y and convoluted my spoken word can be. I know I can be obtuse here, but at least I have the luxury of reading, re-reading, and editing to help me get as close as I can to my intended meaning. But all bets are off when I am in full ramble-mode.

So there’s me trying to explain something technical to Deb. I'm not good with the technical, so I was nervous. Keep it simple, I remind myself. Be clear. So what do I start with?: “There’s this glitch and I have no idea how to fix it.” These were literally the first words out of my mouth. I haven’t even told her what to do yet and already I’ve planted this very loaded piece of information in her head. So I ramble on: “Click on the Facebook link,” “find a good thumbnail,” “delete the comment,” “add a headline,” “click share”. Well, Deb—quite naturally—is still trying to wrap her mind around this “glitch that has not ever been solved". She wants to help figure it out, you see, or find someone who can. But I keep trying to sweep over this glitch business (“Why is she worrying so much about it? It’s not that big a deal.”). And then I realize—or rather, Deb explains to me—that I have set up our whole conversation around the existence of a relentless, irritating, unsolvable GLITCH. Who wouldn’t worry about it?! I started all over again with my explanation (sans “glitch”) and all ended well … but it got me thinking.

This whole conversation reminded me how easily we needlessly complicate things when we speak to each other. Warning people about dire consequences before I’ve put anything in context is my thing, I know this. But I think we all have our things.

A big one I’ve noticed (and of which I am also guilty) is OVER-EXPLAINING. The human mind is incredibly resilient. After a life long of reading––whether it’s books, newspapers, magazines, Facebook messages or email––we are very adept at extrapolating information from a few key words. But many of us (yes, me me ME!) over-explain because we don’t trust this process. And also because (I think) we’re so worried we won’t be heard or trusted or understood.

So, yes, we have to express ourselves. But we also have to keep honing this tricky skill too, don’t you think?

Deb:  This happens to my husband and I all the time. We are each clear about the intention of our point and yet we find ourselves bonking heads. Each of us trying not to say to the other either “am I crazy here” or “are you nuts?” I think it’s because we both have our line of thinking mapped out for us and we do not want to be swayed for fear that we lose our train of thought. Barb kept saying, “No wait, let me go over it again,” assuming I did not understand, instead of looking at the big picture of her statement, “There is a glitch that we can’t solve,” which is what I was focusing on.

I am also guilty of over explaining. I will say to someone, “Oh sorry I can’t be at the meeting because you see (bla bla details)(bla details reasons)( bla reasons excuses bla). Lately I am trying very hard with a good deal of success to stop that. “I can’t be at the meeting, sorry.” Feels so good.

But in your case, Barb, you were over explaining and repeating because you thought I honestly did not get it, which is a sweet reason for over explaining. Because, well, you are sweet.

At any rate, I got it, thanks to you. And what I would normally say here is, “Oh thanks for explaining because you see I just didn’t understand the (bla bla) and I couldn’t (more useless facts) because you see I (extraneous details) and so I (bla bla friggin bla). But instead, I’ll just say “Thanks. I get it now. xo”