Monday, January 10, 2011

A Marriage

Deb: Today is my 22nd wedding anniversary. As I have said in previous blog-posts, I have a happy wonderful marriage for which I feel truly blessed and grateful. But today, on the occasion of this anniversary, I am getting a first hand look into the heart and soul of another beautiful marriage. On our wedding day, I wonder how many of us really take it in when the phrase “for better or worse” is uttered? On that glorious day, none of us can really fathom that it is not always going to be better, like the eternally happy figures at the top of the cake.

Today I am celebrating my anniversary without my husband who is physically three thousand miles away, but emotionally tucked right into the heart of me. Right now I am sitting in the palliative care ward of Princess Margaret hospital in Toronto on this the second day of a loving vigil. I am here because of my darling friend Sheila and her wonderful husband Pete. Pete we are told, is in the last days of his life and the panic to grasp it is welling up in my already full heart.

Pete is in his bed sleeping, unable to communicate anymore, except occasionally with his eyes. He cannot move on his own or speak. And yet, his marriage is thriving.  I am watching Sheila sweetly talk to him as she wets the sponge that will moisten his lips. I see her cry rivers of tears, and seconds later laugh at a visitor’s funny story of Pete. She is loving him and clinging to him and watching him slip away from her. She is not grasping at him or begging him to stay, although I know she would like to.

She is simply honouring her love for him by working on their marriage. It is probably not the first time she has had to work on it. Heaven knows we all have to from time to time.
But today her marriage needs tending and she is tending it as bride, wife, and mother of his children.

Although she is powerless to stop this train in motion, she is loving him as if he were not going anywhere. She spends the day greeting their visitors and making them feel at ease, which is no easy feat during this heartbreaking drop-in. She has spent their marriage playing the consummate hostess, doing it with joy. These endless gatherings over the years would end I am sure with she and Pete clearing the dishes and talking over the night’s events. This one won’t. But you would never know it. Sheila is a dancer and although this is a dance she never wanted to perform, I have never seen her so graceful. With the grace of a prima ballerina she shifts effortlessly between repeating Pete’s condition to a newcomer, to comforting one of her beautiful daughters who has just broken down, and back to her husband’s side where she kisses and strokes him and reminds him that she is “right here, sweetheart”.

People kept asking me “how is she able to do it, how is she able to cope?” The answer is simple. She is tending to the “for worse” part as promised in their vows. The “better” has been their whole entire marriage. This is a “worse” no one should have to face. But she took her vows and she loves her Pete more now than she ever believed possible on that wedding day. And so, as hard as her task seems to those of us on the outside, I realized halfway through the day that it is actually an easy job for her. Easy to love him, easy to help him, easy to be his wife. Because that’s what she is for better or worse.

***Peter died tonight night within a half hour of the last visitor leaving. He was surrounded by his girls and he just quietly and gently slipped out of this world.

And every anniversary of our lives Colin and I will raise our glasses to Pete and Sheila,  filled with the precious reminder of what marriage is and should be.

Barbara: Deb, this homage to a marriage and to a deathbed vigil is absolutely heartbreaking and stunningly beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing their amazing story. I wish Sheila much love and strength and Peter everlasting peace.

34 comments:

  1. Oh, Deb. I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face after reading that beautiful yet gut wrenching post. All warmth and love being sent to Pete's family and friends.

    It seems strange to wish you a Happy Anniversary during such a sad time, but here's a Happy Anniversary wish that you can tuck away and take out and enjoy in a few days. *hugs*

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  2. Deb, so beautiful. I am humbled by it. It is a magnificent love letter to love. for you and Colin and for your dear friends. xoxo

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  3. This is a wonderful tribute to your friends and your marriage. This is what a marriage really looks like-for better or worse. I am going to a funeral today where this exact scenario just played. Lovely post.

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  4. Thanks everyone for your kind words. Madge I cannot believe the symmetry of this. I guess this plays out thousands of times a day all over the world doesn't it? I hope you and your friend will find some healing at the funeral today. xo

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  5. Heartbreaking, and beautiful.
    This is how I love my husband, and will until the very last day we are blessed to be together. I am so glad you will remember this beautiful marriage on your anniversaries for years to come.

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  6. And may it be a very long marriage Hollye. It will be our honour to share our anniversary with Sheila and Pete for as long as we live. Thanks Hollye.

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  7. My heart goes out to Sheila and their girls.
    It is easy to be there for your husband when times are good, but to be there for him when your heart is breaking takes a lot of love and courage, and an ability to put someone else first. I'm glad to hear that Sheila possesses these attributes and that Pete had the good fortune to be the husband of someone like her, who could be there for him when he really needed her. And who could set such a fine example for their daughters, too.
    One might think that her behaviour was "just natural," but believe me, it is not as common as one might assume.

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  8. And Happy Anniversary! Only sorry to hear Colin is not home so you two could "rip off a strip" to celebrate ... hehehehe.

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  9. You're right Kate. I never thought of the example she was setting for her girls. Wonderful. I only wish it were more common. Everyone deserves it. Every single one of us deserves to be loved out of this world. And thanks but we did rip a strip off it last week. We went away together to a spa and it was spa-a-licious.

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  10. Thank you, Deb. Lovely insight and perspective.

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  11. Thanks Deb for being a witness and a friend and a wife and a mother.

    Sadly we're entering the next chapter of our lives which will call upon more of us.

    "Dance like nobody's watching".

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  12. What a beautiful tribute. Very beautiful. It certainly makes me think.
    Thank you for sharing such a heartbreaking and personal moment.

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  13. So very true Tannis. When I was younger I always thought that there was life and there was death. I had no idea that they are all one and the same. Thanks Melissa. It is something I will never forget like a little movie playing over in my head.

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  14. Oh, Deb this was a beautiful tribute. I wish you a very happy anniversary.

    I have sometimes joked that I am waiting for the 'for better' part, but that is just me being snarky--you've made so clear the REAL for worse. Though you've also smeared the ink on what I'm meant to be working on because I am crying...

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  15. Deb...I was there...you put it on the page so others can feel like they were too. Bravo. Sheila's grace is remarkable. So is the generosity she showed in allowing so many to both witness and support.

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  16. Happy anniverasry to you Deb. My parents celebrated their 22nd wedding anniversary the 1st of January. My dad still says that my mom is as lovely as when he first laid eyes on her. 22 years is a long time but it's great that you all have been married that long. It just shows how strong you all really are.

    I am so sorry about the loss.Shelia has to be a strong women to deal with the loss of her husband. This is the time where it is good to have friend and family around you. My heart goes out to Shelia and her girls,.

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  17. Yes gibby you are so right, her generosity knows no bounds. And Lyndsie thanks for the anniversary wishes and for that lovely story about your Dad's love for your Mom. I LOVE hearing these things. Sheila is surrounded by support.

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  18. Saturday was a powerful beautiful out pouring of love. I felt honoured to be there. I have said to Sheila many times in the last two years that she is my hero. She and Pete championed each other which is a rare and beautiful thing in a marriage. And you Deb are a friend that we all wish for on a good day and are deeply grateful for when heartbreak arrives on our doorstep. With love and gratitude...
    Carol xo
    ps ok you can have the dress

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  19. Carol you are so right. It was an honour. Such a precious life moment that we were all invited into.
    And one more thing. Thanks. I'll take the dress.:-)

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  20. I love your voice Deb and I am so glad you are open, willing and sharing of it with us. Thank you and Barbara for this glorious and sometimes heart-wrenching blog. In your honesty and through your observations, you make me laugh, cry, feel, pause. What a gift.
    Happy anniversary Deb. Your marriage to Colin is extraordinary. You work at it and you are in it fully. Stunning.
    This tribute to Sheila and Pete is beautiful, real, and heartfelt. It is powerful - as was Pete. As was the love between Sheila and Pete.
    All my love to you and Colin, Barbara and Phil - extraordinary people with exceptional marriages. Sheila and her girls are in our thoughts and prayers. Pete will be missed.
    Blessed are all who may count you as a friend Deb.
    xoDeb

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  21. I came across your blog today and I was broken hearted. Princess M has a special place in my heart as my grandmother passed away there from cancer. There is no better place to treat terminal illnesses. It is a truly wonderful hospital and people. My thoughts and prayers to your friend and the family. I could not stop crying thinking about your situtation and my past memories.

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  22. Deb -

    Just wanted to pop back in and check on you before going to bed. Here's one more warm, squishy hug backed by an infinite amount of warm, cuddly thoughts as you deal with the sadness.

    Love and hugs,
    R

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  23. Thank yo for sharing that. It is a testament to a true love story.

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  24. I don't know you but it doesn't matter. God bless you and your girls and may your husband's soul be full of grace.

    rob d

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  25. What a beautiful, touching post. I am truly moved by it and by the love of your dear friends for each other. I believe, as do many, that when we die, our "soul" enters those whom we loved and who loved us,, and this is how we gain eternal life. Peter and Sheila will always be together. Congrats on your 22nd. xox R

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  26. Debroah first of all what an unusual and beautiful name. I have never seen it before. Can you tell me how it is spelled phonetically? Your message was so kind and appreciated. Rob, your message broke my heart too. I am so sorry for your pain and I know just how deep that pain is. My first experience with cancer and death was at 10 when I lost my Uncle Billy at 33. Sadly it has continued at an alarming pace since then. I hope you have healed many of your wounds since then. Rigel I will take all the hugs you can offer. And I'll give them right back to you!Thanks David, yes a love story, you're right. Thanks anon for the lovely blessing for them. And Rosina I loved that sentiment so much. It is so healing. I forwarded it to Sheila to help with hers.

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  27. I read an obituary in the New Yorker once that started with a phrase that has haunted me ever since:

    "They were a couple in the gin-and-tonic, Heloise-and-Abelard sense."

    Thank you, Deb, for a beautiful reminder of how precious a life is, and how precious love is.


    "Walah": the love that carries sorrow in it.

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  28. Patti, that was so beautiful. I love the couple quote. And Walah. What a gorgeous word fraught with meaning. Thanks Patti.

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  29. I also meant to thank David for his lovely comment. And welcome!

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  30. I think it is an honor to be present one someone passes. You can feel that open door and what is on the other side somehow.... thanks for letting us in on this Deb.

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  31. Deb, even though I have never met you I hope I do someday. I think my friend Colin is a very lucky guy. I had the privilege of keeping vigil with a friend who was dying. The wonderful nurse in the hospice he was in said something to me I will never forget and that is that death is not a moment, it is a process, just one of the many we go through in our lives.

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  32. Hi Deb ! I have been thinking about it for a day now and wanted to let you know how honest and moving your blog was. Im glad your friend has you
    in her corner. Brent came home from a gig out of town and I hugged him
    extra hard .
    Nancy

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  33. beautiful and sad and uplifting. thank you. pete was blessed.

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