Our School House

Deb: I think I have said before in the blog that New Year’s Eve never feels like a new year to me. The day after Labour Day is always my New Year’s Day. I think many of us feel this way. We have been conditioned through the years to retain those back to school butterflies that mean new opportunities, second, third, and forth chances to get it right, and adventure. I’ve long since stopped buying binders and three-hole paper, pencil crayons and protractors (yes I am THAT old), but the feeling of “new” never leaves me.

At this transitional time when the days remain warm and the nights cool down it takes me back to that time of learning. Would that I had craved learning when it was my brain sponge time, when every fact was soaked up and stored in my spongie brain locker! I wish I had yearned every day as I do now, to discover something new. I could insert “youth is wasted on the young” right now, but I won’t. I did of course have my passions—does Mad magazine count? But I wasn’t hungry for it like I am now.

So this year, as Labour Day (boy’s birthday) came and went and my butterflies returned, my mind was right in the pocket of the learning space. I was craving the classes, yearning for the learn. So although I did not go back to school per se, I did start to work on a children’s book, started ukulele classes, and am going to try to learn to ride a horse.

But more fulfilling than my individual pursuits is the fact that our house is the hall of learning right now. The whole house feels so creative and I am loving the forward vibes I am feeling every day. As you all know, the boy and his girl moved in with us and it is perfect and fun. She is in school, steeped in the world of academia that I always craved but never had. Watching her head out to the ivy-covered walls of U of T every day puts me in mind of Love Story and the ivy-covered walls of Harvard. The girl reminds me of Jenny Cavilleri in her cute little put-together outfits, her arms full of books. I sooooo wanted to be Jenny in that movie! More specifically, I wanted to be the beautiful student and musician Jenny, not the dying Jenny!

The boy, for his part, is working on resumés, while gathering his list of connections to reach out to, and formulating film ideas. They are at the beginning of their careers and it is so wonderful to see and be a part of it. My husband just finished his final edit of his book, his creative end to a year of work.

And not to be outdone, our dog, the Bairn, is in school too . We are training her and shaping her into the easy dog about town we want her to be and she is an excellent student. So I am teacher and student. In lieu of an apple she gives me a constantly wagging tail. School’s in session here in the Mochrie McGrath house.

And the miracle is, unlike high school, I don’t want to skip.

Barbara: It’s funny, even though I remember myself being pretty studious and into school, when I look back at that youthful time, I really feel like I wasted it, spending more time thinking about getting certain grades than actually listening to the lessons in the lessons. Since as an adult I’ve discovered the error of my ways, I love love LOVE to be in a classroom environment and to be learning. Another funny thing, without realizing you’ve been signing up for lessons here and there, Deb, I’m also looking into signing up for some. Not sure if I’m too late for this semester, but am crossing my fingers the little school house has room for one more open mind.

Therapy Browner

Deb: I am happy to report that at the ripe old age of 57, (COLIN JUST SCREAMED “57???” ), I have found another thing I excel at. Therapy. I am not only good at it, I am a therapy browner. When I was in grade five, the smartest girl in the class would dress up to get her report card. Party dress. Really. I, on the other hand, tried hard on report card day to look as much as I could like my parents’ signatures.  At this stage in the game I have given up on the dream of academic prowess. My academia fantasies are all drawn from my anniversary copy of Love Story.

I have gone into therapy to help me with the pain, issues, guilt and stress around my parents’ transition in life. I am a very in touch with my feelings kind of person, as you may have noticed, so one would think that I would serve as the perfect therapist for me. But try as I might, I could not find my old psychology degree anywhere, so I thought it was best to call in the big guns. And by that, of course I mean a registered legal therapist.  What therapy has reminded me (yes I’ve been there before) is that the “physician heal thyself” does not work even for the most introspective among us.

I go in to my sessions knowing exactly what I want to talk about, focus on, target. One question or comment from my therapist can take me down a whole new path of discovery. It is a kooky journey. It is sometimes painful, but it is always freeing. And always uplifting. Because it reminds me that I can always change. I can change it right up to the year, week, or minute before I die. And my therapy sessions are little treats. I never have to rely on my dogs to eat my therapy homework as I am always excited to get to it. I have been applying these lessons to everyday life and I am nailing it, I am kicking its ass. I AM therapy. 

It’s funny how I grew up thinking about the concept of therapy. Growing up in the 50’s was all about “what happens in this house, stays in this house”. The idea of therapy was for weaklings, for the rich, and for the rich weaklings. A “quality” person would take pride in conquering one’s own problems in the privacy of one’s own head. They would pull themselves up by the bootstraps and get on with it. “Be grateful for what you have. Stop whining.”

When I first went to therapy I felt a little like that. As soon as I walked through the door, I felt I had failed myself. I was walking through this door because I could not handle it myself.  It was like when I first got a cleaning lady. I did not grow up with one. Well, actually we did—called her Mom.  But for years after getting a cleaning lady myself, I would still leap to my feet when she came into the room, hiding my Instyle magazine under a cushion. Partly it was my shame of allowing myself this gift of help. And partly it was the thought that I could bloody well do it myself, as I was brought up to believe. The same with therapy. But after I started therapy, I realized that it was my own emotional intelligence that brought me there. I was clearly an emotional genius!

My problem however is that once I get started, I don’t want to leave. Previously, my therapist had to politely kick me out. She said, and I quote, “You know at this point you are paying me good money for us to sit here, talk and laugh.” My response was that I had hoped she hadn’t noticed. It is nice to delete your trash with someone who did not have to hear it as a friend, who was expecting to spend a fun evening with you.

And part of me wants to stay because I am a great student. Top of the class. First time in a long time I have done well in school and I cannot wait to get back there! Sadly, I am left wanting for a gold star or even a seasonal sticker. I do feel that the “professional” therapists are lacking in that area. No stickers, no stars, no chewy candies of any sort. But I know I deserve a star. And so does my therapist. I am rockin’ it! Sticker or not, we’re not fooling anybody.

Barbara: Well, Deb, you certainly get a gold star from me (I’ll bring one on our next coffee date)! And, while it’s been years since I went to therapy, and while I did accumulate a fair collection of real honest-to-goodness gold stars in my childhood until I started to … not (cough, math, cough, history, cough, chemistry), I totally relate to your sense of excited accomplishment from the School of Couch.

I had what I like to call my midlife consciousness crises when I hit my late 30s. Nothing had turned out the way I’d imagined and everything felt wonky, false, contrived, exhausting. I finally realized I needed some help. Smartest thing I ever did. I never understand people who rail against therapy, who are insulted and demeaned by the very thought of it. People who, in fact, would probably benefit a really really lot from it.

But I—get this—actually have a little bonus point for you all here, a brownie point beyond my full endorsement of Deb’s charming post. I just finished a wonderful book called How the Brain Changes Itself by Dr. Norman Doidge—it was, in fact, so interesting, I was going to blog about. I probably still will, but one of the many impressive points he makes is that because all our bad habits, emotional and otherwise, come out of the basic science that when our “neurons fire together, they wire together” (ie: I’m sad, I need to eat; something goes wrong, I feel guilty, and on and on), and in order to undo that network (which you CAN do: “the wires that fire apart, wire apart”), you need a kind of systematic mental exercise, like push-ups for the brain. Therapy gives us that exercise. A good therapist will illuminate your weak spots and remind you of them over and over so you can breathe away from the habitual old responses … until the neurons have, quite possibly, finally, wired apart.

I congratulate you, Deb, and I wish you continued success. You are pure gold all the way!

What I Learned

Barbara: So I had my last class in Quantum Physics last night and I am happy to say that, yes, my life has changed!

Okay, my daughter and I were just hashing out what “my life has changed” even means: is it your literal life, is it in the everyday, is it in shifts of thinking or awareness (but which of these actually “stick”), what exactly has changed and what qualifies as “life changing”…And on and on. Subtleties too complex (or unfathomable) to actually answer.

Which brings me full circle to quantum physics. Here’s the beauty: every fundamental question we have about life is “too complex (or unfathomable) to answer” in the world of physics too, even by our most illustrious scientists. But the answers they have come up with are actually amazing to consider.

As I told you before, I was never religious, but still I could always feel a rightness about spirituality and a connectedness to others and unconditional love and all those lovely things. I just never liked the rules and regulations, the punishments and rewards, the seeming favouritism or exclusion, the black and white-ness of religion, or conversely, in more encompassing religions like Buddhism, I find the quiet too … I don’t know, quiet? Strangely, quantum physics is maybe as close to understanding/finding religion as I’ve ever been able to get. Why? Okay, I will try and answer that question in as brief and concise a way as possible (for me). And why am I going to even try and answer it? Because, like with every epiphany and miracle, I want to share it with you, even if I risk sounding like an idiot or utterly confusing you with my inability to communicate clearly (my most basic fear: the inability to communicate).

So here I am trying to sum up for you 8 weeks of classes, several intense readings including the wonderful The Dancing Wu Li Masters by Gary Zukav, and a few TV shows and movies on the subject. In other words, a) I am no learned expert, and b) the ideas that have been illuminated for me got there through many, slow steps (quantum steps!). Is it a losing game to even try blogging about this? We’ll see. But I do love you guys so much for always humouring me and going along for the ride no matter how rambly, weird, unfun, or unclear I am!

The most amazing thing I learned was that we are all made up of the same fundamental energy at our core. And, as we posted here before, that fundamental energy connects the entire universe (hello, big bang). But we have, through our processes of thinking, created a sense of separateness from each other and our place in the world that has literally caged us inside little thought-boxes, which in turn leads to all the conflict we see in the world around us (imagine if you will 6 billion rigid little thought-boxes ramming up against each other). But by working to free our minds and our rigid sets of rules (whatever those may be), we have a chance to truly see and know ourselves and the universe in ways we never imagined.

This from Gary Zukav in The Dancing Wu Li Masters: “Most of us respond to our environment with a collection of automatic responses that once brought desirable results, usually in childhood. Unfortunately, if the environment that produced the results changes (we grow up) and the responses themselves do not adapt, they become counterproductive. Showing anger, becoming depressed, flattering, crying, and bullying are response patterns appropriate to times often long past. These patterns change only when we are forced to realize that they are no longer productive. Even then change is often painful and slow. The same is true for scientific theories.”

As far back as Einstein, experiments revealed that those wonderful laws of science that we apply to everything could explain most of what happens and how it happens—but not all of it. So the physicists around Einstein’s time, including him (only referencing him because, of course, he’s the most famous), began coming up with formulas that could maybe explain everything. They seemed to find it with a “quantum” explanation of things, but most physicists (including Einstein) hated the quantum model because it led to strange discoveries like this: did you know that in experiments as far back as the early 1900s with sub-atomic “components” (ie photons), the results were determined by the mere fact of the photon being observed? In other words, stuff would act differently depending on who/what was looking and when/where! And also that observed stuff could somehow communicate with related stuff across the world and change that in the exact same way—as if one tiny photon in New York was telepathically communicating with its twin photon in Tokyo! (If you haven’t studied physics—like I hadn’t before this—you have to take my word for this. These are scientifically-based experiments I’m quoting.)

After the shock of that discovery wore off for the scientists, the question had to become, “Well, who/what is the observer then? And why and how can It affect things?” And then every question and experiment after that just confirmed and re-confirmed that we are all a connected “observer”, subconsciously (or consciously) affecting—and determining—our world every second of every day (if you even believe in “time”—but that’s a whole other question). I began to become aware of that rigid cage we’ve each made for ourselves and realized how it is a habit (an uncomfortable/comfortable habit) that has developed over our generations-long stubborn belief that what we see is what is.

Now this is all a huuuuggeee over-simplification, of course, but this is how my life has changed. All those catchphrases that I took for granted as 60’s era hippie love has actually been confirmed for me through the scientific world! It is what it is. We are all one. We can do anything. Build it and they will come. It is a seductive, reassuring, hopeful, empowering “religion” that gives me “proof” of its existence every single day.

And the best part of all this is, each of us can learn to push off our restrictive thinking by simply approaching the world as a child would: open and curious. Open. Curious.

I’ll leave you with another thought from The Dancing Wu Li Masters: “The next time you are awed by something, let the feeling flow freely through you and do not try to “understand” it. You will find that you do understand, but in a way that you will not be able to put into words. You are perceiving intuitively through your right hemisphere.”

PS for those of you who live in the Toronto area, here is a link to the school that hosted the class. The class itself is called Philosophy and Quantum Physics and is offered two or three times a year at the School of Philosophy. The next session starts on April 10th and runs for 10 weeks. It is in a relaxed setting with no exams, tests, reading list, homework, or notebooks!

Deb: This is fascinating and, frankly for me, easy to grasp and believe. I know when you started the Quantum journey I was “WHAT?” but the summary has touched my brain. It makes sense. The idea of all of us being the same is both wonderful and sad at the same time--give us an inch and we’ll wreck it. But the awe statement was the deal breaker for me. Let it freely flow through you and try not to understand it. These are the moments in my life that have transcended me. I want more and this may help!!!! They are the “Let go and let God” moments. And that of course would be God as each of us understands Him. In this instance it would be the God in all of us, each creature on earth. Or the us in God. I use the word God, not to put religion in this but to illustrate what you have said in a term that we have been raised with as humans. We have the power ourselves just by our very existence. Then sadly ... we think. Ironic, isn’t it? 

Out On A Quantum Limb

Barbara: I was never a very science-y, math-y type of person. In fact, in my last years of high school, I scraped by in Chemistry, never took Physics, and completely flunked Math. I know, I know, if I’d had the right teacher or the right method, I might have grasped one or all of these. Believe me when I say it’s one of my life-regrets that I didn’t. Oh, to be mathematically savvy—and more importantly, to believe yourself so!!

So imagine how surprised I was (and still am) when I got an email from a friend the other day asking if I wanted to go with her to an 8-week course on, wait, how did she put it? … Oh yeah, like this: “It is about quantum physics + the metaphysical implications of the findings of theoretical physics.” Officially titled Philosophy and Quantum Physics. I could barely understand my friend’s sentence, never mind understand a course like this, never mind understand why I wanted to take it with every fibre of my being.

Here are some of the other pithy tidbits designed to seduce a plebe like me: The wave particle duality - what is the ultimate reality behind light and matter?
· The Heisenberg uncertainty principle - the consciousness of the observer seems to intrude into the physical world. What does it mean?
· The Schrödinger wave equation - What is its significance?
· Quantum Entanglement - the ultimate connectedness of all matter.

I’m sure there are many of you reading this who can not only get it all, but can argue, delve, debate, trumpet, agree and disagree. But I am not one of you. And yet, last night I took my (as it turned out unnecessary) notebook (okay, unnecessary in that this was designed to be a sit-in-a-circle-and contribute kind of course) and my meek little mind to this actually very comfortable and intimate classroom. There I found myself amidst other curious beings of various aptitudes and began an adventure that I am thrilled and excited to be part of.

I haven’t knowingly been hungering for classes or lessons, although I do remember bemoaning on these very pages that I envied the lesson-takers (thanks, Deb, for that unwitting shot in the arm). And here, a mere week later, the universe has seen fit to offer me a mind-shifting microcosm. And I have seen fit to jump in with both my ears and mind open. Woo-hoo!

I’ll see you on the other side of the Quantum Leap (or, if they make their case, now–– because now and then is all happening at the same time).

Deb: The closest I come to understanding what you're talking about is loving the show Quantum Leap with Scott Bakula. I understood every single word of that show, so, ummmm, just sayin’ I think I would be top of the class!

Barb, I am so so proud and happy for you. Learning! And learning impressive stuff. You have inspired me right back! I may just go out and become an astronaut. Can’t wait to hear more on these very pages!!!! Wait. Is Scott teaching it by any chance ‘cause...

Empathy: Pass It On

Okay, everyone, thanks to much encouragement and despite a great fear-of-the-unknown, Deb and Barbara have finally joined Twitter!! Check out our sidebar link––and please join us in the Twitterverse (although how in hell we will be able to limit ourselves to just 140 characters is anybody's guess)!


In light of yesterday's post, here's a great video that reminds us just how important empathy is to our evolution. Don't be scared off by its length, it is really fascinating (and, if you've already seen it, definitely worth a second look). Would love to hear how it resonates with you!

iBrought An Apple To My Teacher

Deb: iJust purchased a new Macbook Air, so light iCan balance it on my finger. My old MacBook Pro decided that after six years of faithful service it was time to hang up its hard drive. iKnew this would involve getting to know a new computer from scratch so iDecided to purchase the $99.00 one-year Apple plan which would tell me everything iNeeded to know about the care and feeding of my new Mac.

Art by Deb's Finger

iHave made this purchase in the past, only to have it go the way of the gym membership that you pay for and never use. This time, iThought, it’s going to be different.

$99.00 is a good deal, but it is now translating into an excellent deal, the deal of deals, the deal of a lifetime!

The reason is simple. iHave decided that after years of handholding and above-the-waist with my various computers that it is time for me and my new Macbook Air to go all the way.  iDecided that iAm going to take advantage of every single class Apple has to offer. Every single class. iHave already reaped the benefits from three One To One’s (single class with client and “Genius” teacher), and with the patient guidance of the various Geniuses assigned to me, have learned the ins and outs of each key, program, application, and symbol my MacBook Air has to offer.

iAm not even daunted by the fact that iHave only retained forty percent of the info. Hell, iFigure that iAm forty percent smarter about my Mac, so that is win-win. Plus iHave my One to One site where iCan go for refreshers, tips and videos. Sweet. So iHave chosen to take iPhoto next and iTunes after that! And iWon’t stop until iKnow this computer inside and out!

iMay have just become Apple’s worst nightmare!

Each young genius assisting me is so patient and so informative that after the first half hour iWas actually able to stop myself from saying, “Yeah, it’s hard for me because iWasn’t brought up with this.” Or, “We didn’t have computers.” Or, “iLearned to type on a manual typewriter.” And my personal favourite humiliating statement, “iLearned to write with a fountain pen!” Man, why aren’t the geniuses allowed to slap you or tell you to shut up? But no, they just wait until you finish with your excuses, smile and continue. iHave no doubt that their lunchroom conversation this day revolved around, “What the fuck is a fountain pen?”

iKnow what you’re thinking, and iShare your concern! What is my husband going to do now with all that free time? How will he fill his days when he no longer has to troubleshoot, fix, download, upload, recall passwords, find passwords, reset passwords, and find lost documents? iHate to sound callous, but there’s nothing iCan do about that. He is going to have to fend for himself. He is going to have to find a way to fill all that extra time, reading or playing a video game or watching a movie. i’M sorry but he will just have to deal. And iWill placate and comfort him by reminding him that there are many more things outside the computer world that iWill still not get and still need his constant help with. iHope to God that’s enough for him!

Because Mama’s in Apple school!  Suddenly it is all about me and my personal set up, personal training, and personal projects. Relationship stuff will just have wait. And when the day comes that iCan say with some level of conviction the words, “iGet it, iReally get it!" ... only then, can we resume dinner’s-out and conversations.

Until that time iHave a job to do and iWon’t stop until it’s done!

Thank you, Apple. iHeart you.

Barbara: Oh gosh, Deb, you are ADORABLE! Or is that uAre??? On top of the laughs I got from this post, I harbour a deep and ingrained jealousy. I envy the students of today, the ones getting educated, the ones who are opening their consciousness to new and ever more marvelous things. And those of you who, at the end of your school day, can actually apply that knowledge in a useful way—on your COMPUTERS??? Oh, man iWant, iWant, iWant!!

Congrats, Deb, but know I will be aiming secret sidelong glances in your direction, pretending not to but still peering over your shoulder and trying to copy your homework. Fair warning.

My Surprise Encounter With Serendipity

Barbara: Clichés are handy because they remind you that your surprise encounter is not unusual, but rather shared by thousands––or millions!––in their own unique ways. Which cliché are we exploring today? Glad you asked. It’s “Life works in mysterious ways.”

Seven months ago I was my daughter’s date at a function to honour some of the fashion design students at her university (she won the Wayne Clark award for Fashion Illustration—woo hoo!). I was the proud stage-mom (another handy cliché) and followed her around all goggle-eyes and puppy-dog tongue hanging out as Canadian fashion luminaries mingled around us (hello, Jeanne Beker!!). I pushed my shy daughter forward to meet people, then hung back while she gained her confidence.

The beautiful Olga and I at "Being She"

I could go on about my daughter’s wondrousness, but I’m telling you this story because the strangest thing happened to me. Stefanie was having a nice conversation with one of her mentors, the inimitable Olga Koel of Danier Leather, and apropos of nothing (that either one of us can remember), Olga turned to me and announced that I was going to help her on a volunteer committee for a big upcoming event. Without thinking twice—not lingering on my lack of experience or lack of information!—Olga and I were exchanging digits and a volunteer was born.

When the fog lifted (damn those clichés!), I realized that I had “asked the universe” for just such an opportunity. I wanted to be part of something outside of my circle of experience. Conversely, I also loathed the idea of fundraising (although absolutely respect and understand the need for it!). But lo, this event was a photo-based art exhibit called Being She in honour of Women’s College Hospital’s 100^th year anniversary and was being held at the sexy boutique hotel, The Gladstone. No fundraising! Lots of art! I had inadvertently hit the volunteer jackpot.

Women’s College is an esteemed Toronto hospital whose claim to fame is that it was started and formed by women and has dedicated itself ever since to women’s health issues and healthcare. That it was started 100 years ago and flourished almost defies belief. To this day, they are still leaders in women’s healthcare. And here’s more serendipity at work: both my girls were born at the hospital!

Of course, in the months that followed, I couldn’t just be an adoring fan, I had to step up. I had to find resources I didn’t know I had. I had to use resources I did know I have, but that didn’t get a lot of exercise. The hardest job by far was having to phone every editor, photographer, and journalist in the city to ask them if they’d received the publicist’s material and to consider covering the event. It took several full days to go through the list. And how many mouthfuls in this improvised pitch: “I’m calling to follow up on a media advisory we sent out a couple of weeks ago about a photo-based art exhibit called Being She that’s being held in honour of Women’s College Hospital’s 100^th anniversary and opening at the Gladstone Hotel on Thursday June 9^th at 6:30pm.” Huge intake of breath, borderline hyperventilation. I had to go well outside my comfort zone and was surprised to discover just how quickly that new zone also becomes comfortable.

The appreciation I received from my group for performing this task was embarrassing to say the least. But I knew that they knew just how onerous a job it was. We also all realized that if we didn’t follow up, then most of the press would have lost the advisory in their in-boxes. I’m thrilled to say we got great coverage: national magazines (House&Home, Canadian Living), local papers, national papers (Globe and Mail and National Post), and radio (CBC), etc, etc. Of course, my job was just a tiny cog in the wheel of procuring this coverage as there were tireless PR people from both the hospital and the hotel working on it.

The opening reception was a huge success, with members of the healthcare community rubbing shoulders with artists and their appreciators from the arts community. The art was superb, moving and beautiful, the stories behind them heart-stopping. I was beyond proud to be involved with this stellar event and its circle of dedicated organizers.

If you’re in the neighbourhood, the event continues until August 1^st. Check it out! The featured artists are on the 3^rd and 4^th floor lobbies of the Gladstone Hotel in Toronto. You can also ask the hotel about guided tours of the work. And if you go to this Flickr link (yes, that’s me and Charlotte) and click “actions”, then “slideshow”, the following photos (credited to Michele Ayoub) were taken by my other wondrous daughter and handled and organized by my older daughter.

Full circle back to wondrous daughters and that timely night seven months ago when a woman I’d never met before tapped my shoulder and called me up. Be careful what you wish for because life works in mysterious ways and if you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen until you realize that it’s all just a bowl of cherries. With a cherry on top.


Deb: I think the universe keeps itself very busy telling us what our next

path is and, more specifically, what our next window of opportunity

is. When I first met you, Barb, as you know I kinda wrote you off as a

beautiful blonde with talent and charm but nothing to offer me in the

way of deep friendship. Universe had other plans. Then I listened at

the end of each meeting to your assessment of your day’s work for our

film. Your contacts, your excitement, your zeal. And I was shamed.

Maybe the universe is poking you. Xo

PS We have a very special 3-way coming up this Friday (actually a 4-way…And some very handsome men might be involved…)

PPS Kiss Me Kate teased us about not announcing our shows when they are on. So we’re going to give a little shout-out to Deb’s show, Single White Spenny, which airs on Thursday nights at 9:30pm––she plays Spenny’s depraved mom. And you can find Barbara on episodes 3 and 5 of Good Dog on HBO Canada as Ken Finkleman’s bitter ex-wife.