You Know You Have a Happy Secure Relationship When...

Deb: We were celebrating our anniversary a couple of days ago. We checked into our hotel and went to the roof bar for a bite of lunch. It is a cosy little leather-couched bar, right out of the 1940’s. Roaring fireplace, great view of our lovely city.

An actor came in who we know and adore and walked over to chat with us before starting his business meeting. After he re-joined his party, our conversation went like this:

Me: Dear Lord, he is unbelievably handsome!

A pause as my husband looked over at him.

Husband: I KNOW!!!  It was all I could think about the entire time he was talking to us!

We laughed and resumed holding hands across the table. I thought it was a great example of a secure and loving 23-year marriage. We laughed about the exchange the rest of the day.

For the record, Mr. Sweet and Handsome was Allan Hawco, a great Canadian actor writer and producer. His show on CBC is called Republic of Doyle.

Barbara: Love this so much! It reminds me of this:

Flashback to the second year of my mad love affair with my now-husband. I am all of 18. We are watching the movie Sabrina in the basement den with his family. Audrey Hepburn lights up the screen in scene after scene. Finally:

Future Husband: She’s so beautiful.

Me: (Utter silence. I slowly cross my arms in front of my chest and squish my lips together into lemon-sucking tightness. For several hours, I refuse to speak another word to him.)

Yup, the difference between then and now.

A Sing Along Life

Deb: Well, I cannot begin to tell you how glorious my parents 65th anniversary party was! But I will try.

After a lovely long hot summer here in Toronto, the weather predicted rain—thunderstorms and the like. True to the weather report, the heavens opened the night before with thunder and lightning and we woke up to pouring rain. So we made our peace with it and decided that it was going to be what it was going to be, and we let it go. But the anniversary gods were smiling because 20 minutes before the first doorbell rang, the clouds parted and the sun came out. The spirit of the day remained sunny inside and out. I was so proud for my parents as each one of approximately 120 guests came in through the door, loving them and paying tribute to their marriage and their indomitable spirit.

Their three grandchildren and my brother and I toasted Mom and Dad, and my friend Cheryl read beautiful poems she had written for them. The sing-along was just a joyful sound of willing voices, and we sang everything from “April Showers” to “High Hopes”. I wasn’t quite sure how it would be received, but I am telling you, it was so evocative of a time gone by for everyone there, especially my Mom’s family who spent every family dinner and gathering over the years doing sing-a-longs. The food was unbelievable and easy to eat, thanks to our dear friend Sandy, who catered the event and left no stone unturned in the planning. She considered my parents special likes and needs every step of the way, and made sure that they were catered to first and foremost, with them as paramount. And she topped it off with a layer slab cake that each guest signed with a coloured gel-frosting pen!

But it was what it meant to my Mom and Dad that will always stay with me. They were so thrilled to see their extended family and old and new friends come together. The feeling in the room was such a swell of love for these two people and I know that they felt that and took it all in. I think in a spiritual way, the day did more for them than every single pill in their blister packs.

Recently I have been taping my Mom and Dad talking about their lives, and it has been so wonderful to hear all of their stories and memories. As I asked each question they would answer immediately and sometimes differently. But when I asked them what has been, for them, the greatest thing about their time on earth, they both answered at the same time without even thinking: ”It’s the people.”

And it was, indeed, all about the people at this party. It was a celebration of present friends and absent friends. And as I looked around at each sweet face and snapped slews of happy pictures, Jim and Anne’s Anniversary Sing-a-Long Party, became one of those huge days in life that is endless in blessings.

Barbara: Aw, Deb, so so lovely! I am truly sorry we missed it, for I’ve been to a few of the events you’ve thrown for your parents over the years and they are always unique and special parties. I told you already, but I have to say again how much I love these photos! I love the character and feeling you've captured in every one.

As I mentioned last week, I was away in Montreal for the 25^th wedding anniversary of our very good friends. I am happy to report that our celebration—while not one of sing-alongs or Sandy’s cooking—was also a sweet reminder of great friends and wonderful memories and the special bond that comes from years of shared experience. And, while not Sandy’s, the food and drink were also extraordinary. It was just an unforgettable evening. And, what with our gastronomic anniversary dinner with my dad and stepmom, our delicious dinner at my mom’s with Michele, and several chances to see our daughter despite major scheduling overload, and despite the nerve-wracking and ongoing email snafus on my end, it was a truly wonderful weekend. Now back to reality!

Talent As Oysters

Deb: There is a theory that women are often attracted to powerful men. According to statistics, power is right up there with oysters in its power to seduce. For me, it’s not power, but talent.

One of the traps of my particular business is that often married or attached actors tend to fall in love with their leading ladies or leading men during production. More often than not though, actors tend to fall for the character in the piece, not the person playing it. But the damage, or at least the conflict, is still there. It’s tough to separate the real from the unreal. The worlds of theatre, television and film are sooooo insular during production. When actors talk about becoming a family during the run of a play or a TV series or film it has a good deal of truth to it. 

When you are in the thick of it, working twelve hour days on a set, or spending endless days in rehearsals, it does become like a family. In a wonderful way, it is a good thing and is part of the appeal of the acting world. But in another way, it can be a dangerous thing because the world you are creating while in production is a false world in many respects. It comes with no responsibility outside the direct work related to it, like learning your lines, going to fittings, etc. There are no bills to pay, no runny noses to wipe, no money arguments to be had. The other actors fall into this parallel world with you and everything becomes art. Depending on the degree of passion and sex in the show, combined with your relationship status, it can become downright risky. You do a scene with someone, it goes well, egos and adrenaline are running hot and ... well, you get the picture. In the film and TV day, your only responsibilities lie between action and cut, and the rest of the day you are free to have fun, eat catered food, and bond with the new members of your showbiz family.

When I first met my husband, although his talent was clear to me, I also saw a very shy introverted person with whom I perceived to have nothing in common. Romance was not on my radar. Then. He started acting and improvising and he proceeded to blow my mind. I remember my “uh-oh” moment very clearly. He was doing a corporate gig that I had cast him in and was playing a very outgoing, aggressive, assertive boss, qualities he did not possess in real life. He was hilarious and commanding in the role. I was smitten. The real Colin was painfully shy and quiet as a mouse and certainly not like any man I had ever been attracted to. But I fell into the trap. I became a stereotype. I fell in love with his talent. Fortunately for me, there was a wonderful man behind all that talent whom I was destined to spend my life. But at that point in time, I had no way of guessing that fact. His talent had hooked me. I was reduced to a doting, obsessed fan. Which was technically not cool, as I was his boss.

Over the years we have come to the point where our admiration for each other’s talent is just a given. I won’t say we take our mutual admiration for granted, but we just take it as fact. It’s simply our skill-set which we use to make our living, just as everyone does in their various professions. But then every once in a while...

Last week I went up to see The Colin and Brad Show at CasinoRama, which is about an hour and a half north of Toronto. I don’t see the shows too often as I am very busy with my own responsibilities. But whenever I can and when the gig is close to home, I go. I had not been in a while and was happy to see that they had come up with new games and ideas, which added to my enjoyment. Before the show, we chatted as couples do about an upcoming gig we had together, a repair in our home that required attention, and car work that needed to be done. Then he grabbed his show clothes and headed down to the sound check and I kissed him and wished him “broken legs”.

A short while later I was sitting in the audience in the middle of the show. My stomach hurt from laughing and I was enthralled. My heart was pounding and I was falling in love again with my husband’s sheer talent. I was staring up at the stage in awe. I was a fan. Because we do fall in love with talent. That’s why we become fans. But as fans we usually never get to really know who these people are, outside of their talent. They could be jerks but we don’t care. Their talent is our siren song. And sometimes the siren’s call can get an actor in big trouble. But this night, it was my husband whose talent I was besotted with. And I was secure in the knowledge that after 24 years, this talented shy character was the whole package. I had nothing to fear. So I sat there laughing and pining, wishing I had an autograph book.

Barbara: Awwww. Oh my god, Deb, this was a sexy piece!

I have to admit, I am also attracted to talent. I hadn’t really connected the two, because in my mind meeting Phil was about "love at first sight". But the truth is, in our early days, there really was an awful lot of flagrant talent wielding too. We were in theatre class together at an arts college (before university) and were cast in the first play of the season as part of a modern “Greek chorus”, intermittently singing throughout the play to the dulcet tones of Phil’s guitar strumming. Yeah, it was hot. So was watching him perform, so was building sets with him (is there anything quite as powerfully sexy as a man with a tool belt and the skills to know how to use it?), so was getting to know him over covert coffees between classes.

Now, even though Phil and I rarely cross paths in the “talent arena”, I do go weak when he describes a great day at work that really made use of his skills. My ongoing respect for his talent definitely works to fuel the mystique. I never thought about it before, but I guess I am a bit of a power slut!

Italicized Love

Deb: When I write, I tend to lean on the emphasis devises. If you read our blog you will know this to be true. You will be hard-pressed to find more “!!!!!!!’s”  or more  “LOVE IT’s” or more “:-)‘s” if you searched the web 4EVER!!!!!

I guess I do this because it is the way I speak and the way I feel and I want this to come through in my writing.

AND for want of better vocabulary I must fall back on !!!!!!! LOVE :-)))))))))))) et al.

For today’s installation I have employed the “italicized” devise because I felt I needed to UNDERSCORE my joy.

MY HUSBAND IS HOME. :-)

We decided for career reasons that he should spend this past four weeks in L.A. I could not join him given my responsibilities at home with my Mom and Dad. We knew we could get through it and we did. And we are used to being apart. But not for a month. And what we found was this:

NO FUN.

Not a bit. Nope. Doesn’t work for us. During his away we would Skype and text and call and email and FB but it didn’t work for us.

We had to examine the why of it and in doing so discovered the reason.

DON’T WANNA.

Don’t wanna be apart. Marriage works in all sorts of ways for all sorts of people but for us people, our marriage, it doesn’t work apart.

Paul and Linda McCartney said they never spent a day apart. They were lucky. They had the means and the money to make that happen. We do not.

But what we do know is that after this away experiment we will not do it again. How many of us have to make these compromises?

What we have discovered through this period of away is the fact that despite what you have to do when you have to do it does not mean you have to do it the way you think it has to be done.

We cannot change what our life is right now. It is what it is.

We cannot change the needs of the many or the needs of the few. (special thanks for paraphrasing that quote goes to the Geek in me)

But we can change the effort. We can choose not to take the easy road and think it’s going to be livable.

Sometimes the shortest line between two points is the longest road.

From this point on we have decided that our marriage requires that we take one hundred hours to do a two hour drive.

With apologies to my husband I give you his nemesis—Sting. But in my defense, Sting nails it.

                                   

P.S. Video aside the words are the message here.

Barbara: First things first, Deb: I was under the (often embarrassed) impression that I far out-italicized/EMPHASIZED you here!! I’ve even admired your restraint for the most part for all words emphaSIZED. I hate to usurp you in any way, but I had to call it before someone else does. I mean, can I use any more question marks or exclamation marks in my stories, responses, and comments???!!! Anyway, I had to get that out of my system. I am a lover of speak-writing the italics, so clearly I hear you here.

As for the italicized love, I can only say that you made my heart pitter-patter with this post. You’ve been such a trouper this last month. If Colin is reading this: it’s true she has. This month defines Deb’s spirit. She never once complained, she filled her time, she did her thing, she had fun. Let me say that again: SHE NEVER ONCE COMPLAINED!!!! (you see what I did there—caps and italics and exclamation points) It’s only now that you are home, Colin, that she has let the damn burst and let her true feelings of missing you have their way with her. I am so happy you two are back together. The world is as it should be once again.

Partners

Deb: Over the last couple of months, my husband has been to me a friend, an ear, an errand boy, and caregiver, not just to my parents, but to me. And he has done it with grace. Not a roll of the eyes or a hint of resentment has shown on his face or in his demeanor. 

And it got me thinking about partners. The people in our lives that are the yin to our yang, the mirror we look into every day, the person that keeps us honest while sharing in our deceit. But whatever their role, they are the people we spend our lives with. They can be our lovers, friends, children, business partners. They are life partners that we may have one or dozens of in a lifetime.

Recently I have had a bird’s-eye view of two partnerships at opposite ends of the spectrum. One relationship is a gorgeous example of one partner swooping in to help when their partner is felled, without question or hesitation. The other relationship, while under a very similar circumstance, is fraught with negative behavior and is depressing to view.

And the thing is ... much to my shock I find that one isn’t more powerful than the other. And even though I would not have the miserable relationship for the world, I have to respect it. Because the partners are doing the best that they can. And because this is their relationship—and as snarky as they can be with one another—this works for them. And I know for a fact that it works for all sorts of reasons, not the least of which is their deep committed love. Whether I agree with how it presents itself doesn’t matter.  A great partnership does not have to be a warm relationship, or even a kind relationship, to be great.

I would die if I had even a fraction of the combative partnership I see in these two people. But does that mean that my partnership is better? When we love, honour and respect our partner, it certainly makes it the more desirable love affair, but does it make it the better partnership? I can’t with honesty say that it does. Because a good partnership contains so many elements including chemistry, destiny, symmetry, history and an undeniable pull towards another creature. No one ever said a partnership had to be peaceful or, even to a degree, respectful. Many great partnerships in life are none of these things. Many famous and successful partnerships throughout history were unhealthy, depressing displays.

I am sure if I asked my sparring couple if they thought they were good partners, they would look at me miffed at the question, and respond that of course they are. So they are, for them. Maybe we all are, for us.

But if I have my pick as partnerships go, I will take what I have in my husband.  The person who catches my glass before it shatters on the floor and hands me a tea before the thought crosses my mind. And he will receive same.

Barbara: As you predicted, Deb, this did throw me for a loop. Deb has had an intensely busy time and knew she would get this post to me late. So she gave me the heads-up that we would be talking partnerships in today’s blog so I could be prepared ahead of time with a short response. Funnily, I did have a whole (very long) running metaphor about cogs and wheels and how those don’t always run smoothly in even a great partnership, etc, etc, but you did stop me here with this, Deb. And I’m glad you did.

Because I can think of several partnerships that are fractious and challenging (a kind of partnership I wouldn’t want for myself if I had the choice) and yet I know, deep in my bones, that these relationships also work very well for the people involved.

Interestingly, we don’t seem to question this kind of challenge in work-related partnerships. Usually if people hear that business partners "don't get along", we assume that one temperament balances the other for success. We rarely assume the same when it comes to love relationships.

I think it finally depends on temperament. Some temperaments thrive on friction and challenge, some on support and nurturing. I too fall squarely into the latter group—so I would just like to thank both my husband and you, Deb, my work partner, for challenging and pushing me, but for mostly nurturing. I wouldn’t be the same without you.