Monday, May 7, 2012

Oh, Perfect Me!

Barbara: I was having a cozy chat with some beloveds the other day and we all had one of those epiphany moments—which we each kinda already knew about ourselves but which we didn’t known about each other. It was so interesting, that discovery, that I began to wonder if we are not the only sad-sacks who suffer from this “affliction” (or character trait, or Achilles heal, or pain-in-the-buttedness, take your pick).

We were talking about how we were often the “strong ones” in our friendships, the shoulders, the ears. Being a shoulder wasn’t an issue for any of us: we enjoyed it, we valued it, we learned from it. But when I was describing to the group how I had needed to step back from this go-to stance in all my relationships because it was keeping me from developing really deep, true connections, that I had to learn and force myself to be openly vulnerable, the penny seemed to drop a bit for the others. When we asked ourselves and each other why we did this, we spouted all the usuals: we hated to burden people, we didn’t want to obligate them, we didn’t know how they would react. But then, slowly, we started to get a bit closer to the icky truth: we were afraid to show people that we weren’t … aw geez, do I have to say it? … it’s so embarrassing … (and yet I gave it away in my title, didn’t I?) … yes … perfect.

It’s an odd self-imposed requirement—which I wouldn’t even bring up (and risk this shuddering humiliation) if I didn’t believe so many of us might be able to relate to it. I think this impossible standard of perfection gets applied to our behaviour ideals, like in this example, but I also think it pertains to the extended conversation we’ve been having these last weeks about our appearance. Yes, media has a lot to do with that—but so many of us also seem to have this core mandate that we can’t appear to be growing older or less hearty, and that we can’t appear to be weak or needy or questioning or insecure. So we manipulate our appearances so we don’t betray our aging and/or frailties, and we put on this great front in our relationships that so completely covers our weaknesses, neediness, questioning and insecurities that we very often begin to believe our own made-up PR.

Because we’ve talked so much about appearances, I want to bring us back to the whole strong-like-bull act we adopt so often in our relationships. I mean, I think I’m mostly over it. You can’t write an honest, from-the-heart blog every day and fool yourself into thinking people are going to buy the “I’m perfect” routine. But my own experience gave me the utter conviction to bring up and speak out against this habit so many of us have. If we’re going to be honest with each other, if we’re going to avail ourselves of this communal support system we all treasure, if we’re going to reach out and truly connect with others in our real lives (because I know it can be a lot easier to be vulnerable and insecure when it’s online and not so easy when we’re face to face with our beloveds), I think we need to speak up about the things that undo us, the moments of insecurity, the “ack” moments.

In my experience, this revelation is an extraordinary relief. It lifts this onerous weight of “perfection” off my shoulders and makes me feel like a real, true human being. That said, it has also been my experience that this only really works if you have NO EXPECTATIONS of how your listener/shoulder/ear reacts. You are not revealing your weakness to lay it on the shoulders of your friend/love, you are revealing it to get it off your own. See how that works? It’s a tricky line, but it is remarkably effective. Even if you get literally NO REACTION to your heartfelt revelation (yes, this has happened to me!), you will feel an exquisite and lovely release as those muscles that have worked soooooo hard to hide your weaknesses that they are now contorted and twisted into knotted balls finally know they no longer have to contort or twist. It’s amazing.

Okay, so who among you are or have been perfect perfectionists?

Deb: I can relate to this one so much. I think I said before that I love doing favours, but hate asking for them. And yes. No other reason than the one you have stated. I am perfect. At least that was the image I was comfortable with and that was the image I was putting out there. Until menopause hit with its bag of tricks and my facade was stripped from me flash by flash and tear by tear. And now I don’t care who knows I am not perfect. Because I am still perfect for me. Warts and all. And by warts I mean actual warts … which I got during menopause. See? Not perfect. But I will say this. When I became imperfect, I think people liked me more. A fellow human is always a more delightful dinner companion than say ... a goddess, right? 

48 comments:

  1. It is very scary to turtle. Giving is so much easier. I can just feel the ball in my stomach as I read your words Barb. Why are we so ready to help others with their needs and insecurities and not ourselves? And it is true, once we face what we try so hard to hide, we do feel instantly better. My heart goes out to you that you"got no reaction to your heartfelt revelation".....wow...Big hug coming your way Barb, and good for you for being brave enough to voice it.

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    1. "to turtle" -- such an apt description! No worries about the "no reaction", it just proves how something so HUGE to us can often not even be a blip to someone else. They might not GET just how enormous a discovery or problem or issue might be for us...

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  2. Awwwh !!! Deb I am soo much like you...I love doing favours but I dont ask for them until its like an EMERGENCY...even then I spend at least an hour saying "Should I ask her ?? no....maybe not...well maybe I should...it might help me...but no...SHOULD I?" And for the exact reason.....I dont like to put any burden on People. and for another reason. When I did take the courageous step of asking for the favour, many of them DIDN'T SHOW UP !!!! But now I have a few awesome friends who just come running when I need them..and I would do the same for them or anyone....Its always been my habit...I make sure if someone needs me...that I am available to talk 24x7 LOL you'll know this coz I keep reminding them "I'm here....lemme know if you need me...I'm here..."
    But still even now I dont ask for favours or call anyone unless its my last resort. And after a few times even then I couldnt reach them or they were unavailable at the time, Ive stopped expecting. Not sarcastically. But I have. But in a way its good to..It made me Independent !!! But I LOOOVE BEING AND UPLIFTER....and I also enjoy being an upliftee....Both are two very connected Delicious experiences...You get clarity in both situations !!!!
    And I am so Proud of you Girl !!! For releasing this and like Mary-Jo said being brave enough to voice it !!! Awww and it is great to cry on someones shoulder and feel their love for us and their willingness to help us out...Its A Wonderful Thing!! A BIG BIG HUG for you !!!!!!!

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    1. Thanks, sweetie, and you ARE such an uplifter. Just make sure it doesn't become an onus... xoxo

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    2. Live and learn a new word... Had to google "onus". :))

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    3. Awwwh..Thanks Barb.
      LOL Kasku yeah I did too...!!
      And I honestly feel when something becomes an "ONUS" its positivity gets drained...coz thats not PURE uplifting...! It completely changes from something you WANT to do...to something you HAVE TO DO !!
      And as I always say Barb,you cannot uplift someone who doesn't want to be uplifted. You can just uplift in the hopefulness that it helps them get through stuff...You can just see their potential and help them thrive.
      Its like no matter how much you cook for someone they have to do the swallowing...you can't do that for them.....You can only hope they can digest it...(lol.I cannot believe I'm giving cooking examples now XD)

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  3. I can really relate to this. I've always attracted people who need someone to lean on- my sister jokes that if I walk into a room and there's someone with any sort of problem, within 5 mintues they're crying on me and I'm offering to help. But I have such a fear of asking anyone else for help and letting them know I'm not super-mum/daughter/wife.
    If someone needs a wedding cake made, or a house painted, or somewhere to stay, or they've had too much to drink and need their hair held back while they vomit (that was in my younger days..), then I'm the person they call. And I love being the calm, strong, helpful friend because deep down (and this is a bit hard to write) I'm worried that if I'm not all of those things then I wont have any friends!
    I think reading this helped the penny drop a bit further for me- thankyou!

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    1. I too attract the people I like to call 'troubled', not in a bad way really, but just needing someone to talk to. I have even had these conversations with people in the line checking out at the grocery store. Seriously.

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    2. Me too! I tend to attract a lotta people who wanna talk or seek comfort.

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    3. Thanks so much for the honesty of your last line, Samara! It is hard to admit, isn't it? But if we're aware of it, then we can try to shift. That said, it's amazing how people love you more not less if you're not perfect :)

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  4. It's like you are in my head! I have been having these feelings of being imperfect lately. It's finals week for me and I just finished one of those monsters a few minutes ago. I have a 4.0 GPA right now, but as of late I have decided to accept the fact that I most likely will not be able to maintain that much longer. Classes get harder and I can't help it if I just can't get that A. Don't get me wrong, I give it 110%, but I'm not great at everything, despite appearances to the contrary.
    Everyone expects me to be perfect when it comes to university and just general intelligence. I get asked random questions about literature that I have never heard of and people (including family) expect me to know everything about it. I know a lot (not bragging, I'm just a book nerd), but not EVERYTHING. So if someone asks me, I have this internal need to now go find that book, play, sonnet, etc and learn everything about it I can so I can answer that question if I am ever asked again. I am used to it now. People also think that I know everything, literally everything. Computer stuff (ha, yeah right!), movie stuff, how to make this, how to fix that, why the earth is round, the name of every monarch ever (yep, I get that question a lot)... yes, I can relate the new Avengers movie to various Shakespearean works (yep, already did it for my Shakes class), but that doesn't mean I know everything ever !!!
    I am also the "strong" person. I comfort others and don't ask for comfort. I listen to everyone's problems and help them figure it all out, but I don't burden others with my problems. It's just the way I am. I do have to remind people that I am only human.
    I think being imperfect is perfect.

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    1. Yeah, I would think an academic pressure to be perfect would be pretty strong to shake if that's your reputation. I used to be so afraid to tell someone that I didn't recognize a famous writer or whatever, and found a great relief when I could finally just say, even when the person obviously expected me to know them (or their work): Nope, I don't know.

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  5. I am the same way, i love doing things for people but i hate when people have to do things.for me. Im not perfect and i knw it and have told all my friends and family that im not perfect. But thats ok i like being me. Just me,myself,and i.

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  6. This entry somewhat relates to one I was just thinking of writing for my blog, but in relation to the way we expect certain people to be above human foibles and if they are not, we suspect they are charlatans or hypocrites. I'm talking about people who do intuitive counselling (like myself, with my tarot cards) or who are shamans or astrologers, for example, who give readings to others. We figure that in order for them to give us the information and help we want, they themselves should fit our ideal of the perfect person. They should have perfect lives, perfect marriages, perfect bodies, perfect manners, perfect understanding, perfect strength. We are shocked and disappointed when they don't, and we aren't sure whether to trust them. We are definitely disappointed if they rant at other drivers in traffic, or get pissed off at someone who steps in front of them in a lineup -- because they should be above all such petty emotions! Right?? Wrong!! Because when they become "perfect," they will no longer be on this planet. They will be at the end of their path here and will move on to other lives and lessons. We are all here to learn ... every one of us.

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    1. Wait -- you're a tarot reader??? How did I miss that?! (I would so have hounded you had a known ;) ) But yes, this reminds me of my homeopath who usually advocates avoiding dairy and wheat, etc, and then has to endure the EPIC disappointment when her patients "catch" her eating pasta. If you're "perfect" how can you know how to heal???

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    2. Did I read "intuitive counselling" and "tarot cards" ???? OMG thats AWESOME !!!!
      I love interacting with intuitive people ...Like myself !! :D
      Its the best isn't it ?

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    3. Tsk Tsk Tsk Barbara ... obviously you do not spend your every free moment poking around my website. :) There has been an entire tarot page there, forever! See the column Lookee Here on the left beneath the daily entry for more information.

      I've been reading cards since 1984; well, earlier actually, but "professionally" (i.e. for others, and charging for it) for the past 28 years.

      Shalaka, we're all intuitive, every one of us. It's just that some trust and listen to their intuition more than others. Some are naturally gifted with exceptional abilities, but our basic human intuition can be strengthened, just like an athlete builds muscle and skill by practising her sport. Good to hear you are in touch with your inner knowing.

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  7. WOW, I am one of those people that attracts the ones that need guidance and care. I am far from a perfectionist (in fact I strive to be good enough) which a very wise therapist once told me works just as well, so why try for perfection. I also am the one who has a one way discussion with someone on a plane where they pour out their heart as well as those who seek me out. I have learned to share back in that as soon as someone tells me something seriously sad, I listen and I am a doer. Sometimes I try too hard to fix rather than just sitting back and just nodding. Also, with me it is an issue of control and I want to be in control at all times. I have tried for the last upteen years to give away control but somehow it comes back to me. I have lately put out my issues more and the response has been positive but I choose very carefully who to tell. I hold secrets for so many people too. I am a natural caregiver but had to put that away with some people because my care giving would be used and used by these people and finally I am so tired I have to back off. Now, I can sense just how much to give. I think competent people are sought out by those who are not a proficient in skills that they sense the other person has that can help them. It is all so complex. Great blog today Barb.

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    1. Thanks, Madge. I do think these subtle lines need a lot of experience -- but conscious experience, where you know what you need to be aware of. Like what you're doing!

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  8. I think it is for the better that we aren't perfect. That would be boring and not nearly as much fun : ) your post reminds me of a song called 'Little Moments' it basically says it is those moments that come from not being perfect that are the best moments in life even if they don't seem so great when they happen.

    Now for an aside: Okay I just had to tell you guys what I did on Saturday. Keep in mind that I haven't found a job yet so my weekends and week days kind of consist of the same schedule and activities : )
    So I got up Saturday and checked you guy's blog for a new post. Following is my train of thought....
    I wonder what the topic will be today - ah oh no new topic - this can't be good - it is almost noon - they always write by noon - I hope everything is okay - it must have been important/serious for them to just forget about us here - they always write - they only don't write on the weekends........oh it's saturday. Well at least all is well with them : )

    I was worried about you all for about a minute LOL
    I am so absent minded sometimes. But if I was perfect I would have never gotten a laugh out of this whole situation : )

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    1. Thanks for that sweet laugh, Kelly! Now never say never, but we're certainly hoping that even when there are unavoidable circumstances, we'll be able to at least let you know... That said, today was one of those days: I'm with my daughter in the hospital all day because she's having a tonsillectomy. I assumed I'd be able to connect to the internet and stay in touch, but there were several snafus in that dept. Now, all is well and I am hooked up. And PS she is out of surgery. All went well! Now we have to stay put for observation until 7...

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    2. Best of luck, and lots of ice cream to her! If I remember correctly, that is what they fed to my sis, when she was little and had the same thing done. I do have to admit, that I had to google few more words (tonsillectomy and snafus).

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    3. So glad all is well with your daughter. Ice cream and milkshakes in her future!!

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    4. Just thought I'd mention this, did you know that the tonsils can grow back? Mine did! I've been lucky enough that my predilection for tonsillitis seemed to have went with the first set though. The ones I have now are much smaller than the originals so maybe that's why.

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    5. Thanks, everyone, for the well wishes! She's home now and feeling tired but surprisingly good -- although I know the swelling will make her uncomfortable over the next several days. I know my bed will feel very good tonight! Erin, I had NO idea!! I guess we'll see...

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  9. Seems a lot of us are nurturers myself included and I also don't know how to ask for help but am usually the first to offer. I have always been known among friends from school age until today, as the fun one, the one who makes people laugh. Always been told I'm funny and fun to be around and yet if I look unhappy no one will ask why they'll say something like "Mary why do you look sad, you're never sad smile" So I've learned to paste it on whether I feel it or not because I've found most folks don't want to hear your problems. My experience is to keep my feelings, my problems hidden. I often wish I had that shoulder to lean on, that ear to bounce ideas off of but I don't and at this point in my life it's my own fault because I don't let anyone that close. I think if you have friends you can count on then share with them because I think real friends appreciate it and it makes them feel needed in the relationship.

    Still at my mom's, still busy and preparing to go back to school in August I must be nuts. XOXO

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    1. Mary, I do think it requires that little leap of faith, that courage to jump in and be honest. The really good ones will rise to the top like cream and be there for you. The ones who "don't want to hear it" should hear it anyway, just don't expect them to be of any useful use.

      And congrats about school -- sooo exciting!! xo

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  10. I am, as many of the others here, also one of the strong ones that people come and ask help from. I don't know how many times I have ask from my friends if I have an "Info" sign on top of my head. Somehow, now matter where I am, people think that I am local and know where to go. Apparently there is something in my face that say's "come talk to me, I can help". Once in Dublin I helped a blind over a street. It was a busy street. There were more than 10 people there waiting for the light to turn. Somehow through the crowed the man came next to me and asked if I could help him. Well of course I helped, no questions about it. But the chance of that happening. I do have to note that it helped when I cut my hair and changed the color to black. So maybe it is my long blond hair...

    I just had today a post from my friend stateing that how someone who always helps, never asks help. (It was about ride to and from airport) Here the reason was obvious, as the return flight is in middle of the night between monday and tuesday. She has work the next day and she needs to wake up at 5 am. So no way I am going to ask her. Also it will be cheaper with the bus. I will ask if she can take me to the airport, so that this won't become an issue.

    But back to the point. I know I am not perfect. None is. I consider myself to be quite the average. That is quite a good place to be :)

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    1. And even if you're not "average", you can be extraordinarily imperfect :) !

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    2. Oh, and thanks for all the adorable comments about looking up words! I dearly hope I used them all correctly :)

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    3. All used correctly. After finding out what the words meant, I was like "I should have understood that from the context". :) Except for the tonsils thingy, because at first I thought it had something to do with toes...

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  11. I am such a perfectionist sometimes, especially when it comes to things that aren't in my control. Like right now. My friend who's living with us in our apartment just called and said the electric company shut off the electric.

    Upset? A little. Mad? No, not really. Frustrated? Definitely. Hopefully we will have the issue resolved soon. I'm just trying not to lose it... I guess I like having things in order.

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    1. When things are outside our control is the perfect time to lift that load of responsibility. That's when we really do have to "go with the flow".

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  12. I'm so with you on this one. I'm a planner. Always have been, and the fact that I graduated from college yesterday and I have no idea what's happening next has me a little on edge. But I have faith. I have to. There's something out there.

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    1. Oh, I have NO NO NO doubt that you will be awesomely fine, Holly. It's an exciting time!! xoxo

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  13. Barb have been calling you but of course you are in the hospital and not getting it. Figured maybe I would find out how she was doing from the blog and I did!!!!!!!!!!!! So happy!!!!!!!!!!!! Give her our love. xo

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  14. Yeah I can firmly place myself in the helps but doesn't accept help well category. I find the hardest part for me of asking for help is overcoming the fear that asking won't necessarily give me the help I need. It is something that I've come to recognize as problematic though and I've really been trying to overcome it. Since last fall when a lot of things went to hell in a handbasket I found myself in the position that I HAD to ask for help on several occasions or collapse out of sheer exhaustion. I was very surprised at how liberating it was and how much better it made me feel. I felt so much less pressure even if I didn't get the help I asked for (although most of the time I did get it and then some). Something changed for the better when I accepted that I simply cannot do everything myself and that it's ok to just do one's best. Since then I've been finding myself intentionally putting myself into positions that require me to work with others and to ask for help and I've actually been enjoying it. I've come to recognize it as a matter of trust, trusting others to help and trusting myself that it's not a sign of weakness and that there really is more strength in numbers.

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    1. Trusting people with your vulnerability, with that seemingly most fragile part of us, is tricky. But so so worth it! I'm glad you've had some success with it though. It proves that it is do-able. After all, we're not perfect ;)

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  15. I'm one of these, although less now than I used to be. But (and this may make me sound crazy) when a whoooole lot of really bad stuff happens I start to wonder how it sounds to the other person. I myself go "Wait a minute... Did that really happen? Surely my life can't be that dramatic... But it did happen. I know it did." And if I'm thinking like that how can I expect others to believe me?
    Hmm... told you that would make me sound crazy.

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    1. No, you should never worry that people will think you're crazy if crazy things have happened to you. And often talking about it after makes it sound like some "fantastical story", doesn't it? When, of course, it isn't. I wouldn't question it if I were you...

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  16. (Am I the oddity, that I accept that I'm not perfect so easily? At this point in my life, I'm nothing if not bluntly honest about my shortcomings, and even a couple of the long-comings. (Damn, I'm funny.) The idea of achieving perfection was based on someone else's beliefs, and I was the one expected to be perfect. FAIL. Welcome to one of my issues, but that's a story for another day.)

    Barb, this line in particular caught my attention:

    "You are not revealing your weakness to lay it on the shoulders of your friend/love, you are revealing it to get it off your own."

    In my experience, people automatically assume I'm trying to burden them with something. I can't ignore the fact that it's been some heavy-duty stuff I've been trying to unload. But very few people get that I don't want to unload it on THEM. Just air it out to someone.

    I spent forever NOT talking to anyone about what the hell what was going on because, when I did talk about it, people backed away. Whether from ignorance, the inability to understand, OR the inability to help, they didn't want to hear it. I don't imagine for a moment that, before then, I was perfect. I've watched my life as I've lived it. Ain't no perfection in there, as hard as I tried, and for as much as was expected.
    What I really wanted was for someone to GET it, understand how I could feel and think the way I did. That wasn't possible until I sat in groups and heard other people tell my exact story, about themselves. But, barring "GETTING it," I wanted someone to just listen. JUST listen. Not try to help, not answer, not offer sympathy... just LISTEN. It's just easier now to talk to my therapist, where the lines are drawn distinctly and the roles are understood.

    I have found a way to help at least some folks. I'm going to an MSPCA shelter this week to volunteer a few days per week. They need my help, and I can unburden to a dog or cat and they won't carry it with them. Best of both worlds.

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    1. Your point is very well taken, Dawn! I think if a person's life is more prone to serious challenges than others, they almost never get the chance to disappear into that "void of perfect". How can they? It's all about keeping up, running the treadmill, surviving. I think Aimee kinda says the same thing above you: how can people believe all this stuff about you -- and therefore really listen and hear. That said, I also think your point about finding those places where you can vent, even if you've never gotten caught up in the that frustrating vortex of pretending perfection, is really really important. Obviously it's been amazing for you. I think the disappointment comes from others aren't always good and true listeners. This is a talent or gift or learned from experience. We can all do it, but many of us really need to learn it. Anyway, Dawn, I'm so happy you've found your "sacred circle" in this. There is no one who deserves it more!

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    2. Oh, and working for the MSPCA is sheer genius!!

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  17. So very true. I've always hated asking for help, but I love being able to help others out. It's difficult allowing yourself to let others see you at your weakest, to say, "Hey, I can't do this by myself." To be honest, the last few years of health issues have torn away most of that pride for me, and I'm actually glad of that. I needed the strength and support of those around me, and I felt better for sharing the burden.

    None of us are perfect, and we need each other.

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  18. So true...
    I can relate to this topic so much.
    I always try to be the one, who listens, who gives comfort, who plays trash can, who offers help.

    I cannot ask people to do something for me. I hardly ever talk (like in real talk to real people face to face) about my feelings or sorrows.

    I think it is because I don't want them to see me vulnerable and scared and helpless - and not so perfect (not that I think I am perfect, but I think I am a nice and friendly person).

    There was a situation...when I was with my best friends (I told you about the guy and his girlfriend, before), and we watched a soccer game (World Cup, I guess) with others (strangers). They were drunk. I don't drink alcohol. I don't like drunk people, if they act like stupid idiots. Anyway...my friends decided to have a drink, too.

    And I panicked. And I couldn't hide it, I couldn't run away.
    I broke down. In front of all the other people. And I cried and sobbed. Fun. Not so much.

    I was embarrassed.

    But my friends didn't care. They were there for me. They held me in their arms, and protected me...in the end it wasn't that difficult to let go (well, apart from my stupid overreaction).

    I guess, that's what deepens a friendship. To look behind the mask, to see the whole person, to love him/her, and to trust him/her so much that you let him/her experience the real you.

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