Monday, June 11, 2012

Imaginary Friends

Barbara: I have an imaginary friend. Let’s call her Jess. Jess is around my age, well, a bit younger, has 3 beautiful kids, has the same concerns and struggles that I have (or have had), gives me food for thought and listens in earnest. She is gorgeous and sweet, I love her sense of style (look to it, in fact, for fresh ideas) and her gentle sense of humour, and when we chat briefly on the sidewalk outside her home or mine, we keep re-discovering just how much we have in common. In my imagination, she is my perfect friend.

Yes, okay—Jess is real. She actually does live around the corner from me. From time to time, we run into each other and, every time, we immediately fall into relaxed and natural and authentic communication. When we have to part ways, we always make promises to get together “properly”, to have tea or lunch or a walk. But we never do. Life gets in the way, I guess, of a real, manifest relationship.

I’ve had a handful of these imaginary friendships throughout my life. People who arrive out of the blue and immediately connect like soul mates or soul sisters—I am certain these are the “real deals”, the keepers, the friends for life—but then they recede into the imaginary miasma, traces of their amazingness still sitting on my tongue. Not keepers in the end, but wonderful portraits of potential.

So what happens? Yes, life gets in the way. There’s also the problem—for me as a social creature in my middle age—that there aren’t enough hours (even minutes) in the days for the wonderful, enduring friendships I already have. There’s always the potential for subtle pervasions of guilt to bubble up inside me about the time I’m not spending nurturing this old friendship or that new one. The other reality is that friendship really needs two people to nurture it: two people to commit to that coffee or lunch or walk and then see it through. And then the coffee/walk/lunch after that and the one after that and so on until the rhythm has been established and those “breaks for real life” don’t really interfere with your connections when you see each other.

But still it’s interesting, isn’t it?—these imaginary friendships and the coulda/wouldas that go with them. I do sometimes picture that coffee-date or that extended weekend at a cottage, just bonding and reveling in this person’s loveliness. But that’s as far as it goes, it seems.

So many alternate universes circling around me with relationships and experiences I just can’t seem to pack into this particular sphere.

I still believe every single time Jess and I see each other that one day, one surprising afternoon, we will follow through with our imaginary plans and take that lunch, and a beautiful thing will find its footing. Maybe imaginary friendships, or snatched moments, or the beauty of possibility are still better than no friendship at all.

Deb: Barbara, I was just thinking that your having written this blog-post may be just the inspiration you need to turn your imaginary friend into a fully fleshed-out relationship. The timing of this is so interesting for me. I had a lovely surprising encounter last week at the place where I get my nails done. I love, as you know, to strike up conversations with strangers. This gal and I got to chatting and, honest to Pete, we started connecting and bonding and relating. It was so sweet and unexpected. It was so real and substantial. When she was getting up to leave she looked at me with tears brimming in her eyes and said, “I am so glad I met you today,” and I told her that I felt the same way and that I thought there was a reason for it. She said, “I’m sorry but I hope you don’t mind if I hug you and kiss your cheek,” and she did and I hugged her back and it was actually tough to say goodbye to her. I said something like, “I know we will meet again and I hope we do.” But why didn’t we exchange numbers, email, anything? Is it because neither of us wanted to be presumptuous? Is it because there were other people around us and we didn’t want to look foolish? I don’t know the answer, but I do hope I meet her again and, if I do, I am going to take it as a sign. 

26 comments:

  1. Deb an both Barb of your all stories sound great. To me it sounds like a great recipe. Great conversation and an instant friends. I love it.

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  2. Awww this is amazing..Ive been thinking about the same thing for a while...!! and recently I met someone too. We both were on the same forum... connected instantly yet couldn't talk and keep in touch. She is a LOA gal just like me, both of us wanted to have someone to talk to and practice LOA with....Ive been feeling a little lonely lately....and the other day we started talking, realized how syncy everything was...just like the time you and I talked about LOA (Ahhhhh I miss those talks...we should find something new to talk about...we had fun!)....It was just as magical and AWESOME! and she lives in Vancouver but we get together everyday on Skype and chat for about 30 minutes....and The very first day we talked ...it felt so easy and like we knew each other for YEARS !!! So we made a daily thing.... Aww and Deb I LOOOOVED your story !!!! Its happened to me before...and I just exchange numbers or emails right away..because thats an IMPULSE I never resist. I always remember this quote by Joe Vitale from 'the secret', "the universe likes speed, don't delay, don't second guess, when the opportunity is there, the impulse is there, when the intuitive nudge is there ...ACT!!"

    Oh and PS. Barb, I felt that immediate connecting when we first met. You know that don't you Soul-sister ;) ???

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    1. Of course, Shalaka! Here's the thing though: I don't count you as an "imaginary friend" because we are communicating every day. I mean those could-been friendships that you DON'T follow through on in any way. You know what I mean? The ones that kind of slip through your fingers even though they have enough substance to really stay...

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    2. Yes Yes...exactly !! Ive got some of those too...It really gets hard to connect....like you said life gets in the way....
      Awww perfectly said...slip through your fingers really....doesnt its kinda frustrating sometimes knowing it can happen yet seeing it NOT happening :P

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  3. I've had those imaginary friends and I never want to be the one that asks to exchange phone numbers or arrange a definite lunch/coffee date- in case I just imagined that we got along and they think I'm an idiot! Always better to risk looking like a pushy idiot though I think, there's not much to lose. :)
    Some weeks I dont have the time or energy to catch up with the people already in my life. But if someone really is destined to be one of those soulmate friends who teaches you something about yourself, or you can call in the middle of the night, or who would bring you soup if you had a cold- then you could always find time in your life to fit them in.

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    1. I so agree, Samara! And I definitely feel at this point in my life that I would rather be the "pushy idiot" than the one who missed the chance to really connect with someone... Yet, I still don't push as much as I'd like. So need to think about that...

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  4. That was so sweet Barb, I call them surface friendships myself. I think we are well meaning but like you said too busy with real life. And like Deb said I love meeting people and learning about them but the downfall is I'm too shy and self conscious to talk to people most of the time. Not proud of it and hope to overcome it at some point. I think it's wonderful when we connect with someone and realize we were meant to meet. This just happened to me with someone I've only talked to on the phone and through FB little snippets here and there. I live in NY she lives in Encino CA and yesterday we talked on the phone for almost two hours. I didn't know I had that much to say but it was wonderful and we found we had a great deal in common. I too think we should go for it when we think we found someone who can be a friend you can never have too many. We have vowed to support each other and I hope we can continue our talks. I totally believe we meet the people we are supposed to meet.

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    1. Barb, this is a great blog and yet a frustrating one at the same time. People are so interesting, and through life you do run in to many who you would truly like to become friends with, but where is the time that that friendship deserves. We move at such a fast pace and for things to grow properly (like our gardens we need to spend the time nurturing and just listening) How do we do that? I have met many people through my line of work that I would love to become close to, but circumstances and time prohibit that. It can be frustrating.

      Rather than regret missing the opportunity, I am with you.....I'd rather be a pushy idiot and have a new friend than miss the chance. I was sad when our day together came to an end last week and thought, "we should all do something again" but is that too pushy? I for one would love it (so I will bug you and Deb until you can have a good ride on Red Lol) xo

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    2. I can so relate. I am extremely shy too and find it hard to talk to new people.

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    3. I would never have guessed Mary-Jo to be shy after meeting her, and I would guess that's probably true of Mary and Steph too. You probably FEEL more shy than seem it. And you are all such articulate, curious, engaged people, your feelings of shyness don't interfere with people's enjoyment of you. Mary, your convo with yout FB friend proves that. Steph, you've done so many brave things this year, that proves it too. And Mary-Jo, I loved that you wanted to get together again: it didn't feel pushy to me, it felt like a confirmation of my own excitement.

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    4. I hope if we all get the chance to meet each other that we will continue to share the experiences here with the pics and all. I love those stories most of all!!!

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  5. I have just had a conversation with my friend how the time just flies. It's been almost a year since I last saw her. It is almost eight years since we have met for the first time. We were both exchange students. I was studying marketing and she was studying psychology. We met because she was reading for a test with my roommate. It was just something that happened, as I was much more actively in contact with other exchange students that were in same classes as I was. SIlly coincidence, but I have another friend as well with whom we have been in school at the same time but never shared any lectures. She was studying IT.

    I have not been making new friends lately (in the past few years), because I have been working from home and my social life has gone to very minimum. So if I ever find someone who feels like soulmate, you can bet that I will jump at that chance (and probably scare the person away). :))

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    1. lol, Kasku! I doubt you will scare them away -- and thrilled that you would welcome their arrival. As your life changes, so will your experiences with other people. My friendships really broadened when I hit my late 30s and beyond (even though I was always social and loved people before that).

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  6. I hope you both find those imaginary friends somewhere again and exchange the numbers and go to lunch. One never knows when a new friend will pop up and work out. I say go for it every time the opportunity presents itself. Nothing but an hour, if it doesn't work, but years if it does.

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  7. Interesting post. I too have friends like that. I see them in public places and we chat and get along great, then we part ways and don't see each other again for months. It is so strange, yet normal. Some of these people I have exchanged numbers with, then neither one of us calls/texts the other. Sometimes I finally decide to make the call (or text) and really connect. Sometimes we become real friends, and sometimes we are just better as passing friends.
    Barbara, I think that maybe you might want to try taking coffee to her and having a chat right then and there. Sometimes you have to make it happen. It might help flesh out the friendship, or not. You never know until you try. :)
    Deb, that is such a sweet story. I am so the opposite of you on this one! I am the person that is really quiet, but everyone likes to start chatting with me! Sometimes it's nice, meeting new people. Other times, some people just annoy me! :)

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    1. Excellent suggestion, Steph! And your comment to Deb really made me laugh! Yeah, not everyone clicks with everyone, right?

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    2. haha...same here! I'm quiet and shy, but people always come to me, and talk to me.
      Straaaange. ;)

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    3. I know Becki. I think that the people that need to talk find the people that need to listen.

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  8. Ah Deb...your story is kinda sad...
    I hope you will meet again one day. :)

    I'm more the quiet person...and I don't like to talk to strangers, I just want to be on my own. I listen to their conversations, and I absorb every word, but I just don't want to be part of it.
    Anyway...sometimes, when I crawl out of my shell and be the person I used to be, I am an outgoing person with no fear whatsoever.
    Last year, I met a woman (late 40s), when I was at a convention. I talked to her, and I immediately fell in love with her. Before I left, I saw her again - accidentally (maybe it was fate?), and asked her, if I can get her address / mail address.
    The next morning, she had written me an e-mail. :)
    We stayed in touch ever since, and I'm always looking forward to receive an e-mail from her. :)

    I hate that, when you meet someone, who seems to like you, and then they vanish, and you never know what happened, or what they do...and you won't talk to them again.
    So I prefer to exchange numbers and stuff.
    But sadly people seem to not care at all. They never write (I can't write call, because I hardly ever use my phone :P), they never reply....and this makes me sad, because I thought we had something in common.
    But I guess you have to make these experiences, too...maybe some people should stay imaginary friends. ;)

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    1. "maybe some people should stay imaginary friends"! So funny. Well, there is that, Becki. I do think that is very true. As for the sad aspect of this, I also believe that you are very probably one of those "missed opportunity friends" for some of these people you talk about. It's why you can't ever give up. You never know who will stick -- and why.

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  9. I can relate to this. I'm lucky to be able to say I've met several gals through Colin and Brad or Whose Live shows who've become something close to friends. However, with a lot of them, our conversations, mostly on-line, don't seem to get out of the "show" subject, though. I call it "situational" friends. We get along GREAT when we're together, because we can put up with each other's "enthusiasm," shall we say.

    I can't actually see me getting together with someone I met on the street, or see in the grocery store every day. I'm in contact with girls I went to high school with, and we keep saying we'll get together and then we never do.
    I don't know why any more than you guys do. It just doesn't happen. "Life gets in the way" is as good an explanation as any. But that's an excuse. Why don't we do it? We're comfortable where we are, I guess, despite the guilt. Like folks have said, we don't want to face the possibility of rejection, ignoring the fact that it might actually go WELL. Or worse, "that was great, let's do it again sometime," and that's where it ends.
    Fear of rejection is too powerful.

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    1. "Fear of rejection is too powerful". Yeah, it is... sucks, but so true. And yet, we're all pretty rockin' brave chicks too -- and that can come in handy in front of "rejection" -- a thing that is, fundamentally, totally stoopid :)

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