We realized that this new age
of online life really has produced—especially in younger people—a knee-jerk
impulse to immediately deal with whatever is going on. If you get a text, you
answer the text. If you get a call, you answer the call. Only if you are
legitimately occupied (say, at work, or eating with parents who outright forbid
the phone at the table) can you let yourself
get away with not responding. I
emphasized the “let yourself get away with” part because, of course, the person
who is looking for you has no idea if you are legitimately busy or just, you
know, relaxing and unwinding.
See, we older folks have no problem
with letting our responses wait. (Or at least we didn’t, back in the day.) If
you call us, text us, email us, Facebook us, etc etc, we will get to you when
we bloody well get to you. If I have a meal to enjoy, or tasks to do, or a
conversation to have, or an ice cream to lick, or a story to write, I will do
them and ignore your every effort to contact me until I decide the timing is
right for a return to my online life/responsibilities. (… Or at least this is
how I think I am. I’m not entirely convinced, even as I write this, that I
don’t find myself a bit anxious at missing or ignoring or postponing certain
requests for contact. I’m not entirely convinced that this new technological
age hasn’t, in fact, re-wired my neurons a bit to convince me that if I don’t
answer that text or email immediately I am betraying some sacred (unwitting)
oath to the online gods of Constant Accessibility.) We middle-agers were not
brought up—as you younger peeps have—in a time of utter transparency; we’ve
been more inclined to prioritize what needs to be prioritized in order to
maintain a kind of necessary balance between “I’m here for you” and “I’m here
for myself”.
My daughter was a bit
gobsmacked to realize that—by always being transparently available—she had led
herself down a tricky little black hole. So, after a bit of discussion, I began
to walk her through the old tricks of the coping-strategy trade by reassuring
her that she could—in all honesty—“miss” texts/calls because she is “otherwise
occupied”, no explanations necessary. There will always be time for a more
timely catch-up. No ill will to beloved friends, no ill consequences for a bit
of “me” down-time.
I think she got it … in
theory. But in reality, I’m not really sure if she’ll ever feel totally
guilt-free about putting down the phone and stepping away from the screen. I’m not even sure I will.
Deb: I SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
DISAGREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Okay, I don’t
disagree at all! Sorry, Barbara, I tried. (see: Agree To Agree) I know that the youngs are so much better
than we are (generally) with all things online. And thank God for their ease of
knowledge as their help has saved me lots of time and given me lots of laughs
as they regale me with clips of comedy shows I no longer stay up long enough to
watch. But what the boomers and beyond have going for us in spades, what we
excel at, is the perspective. I “flag” my emails now, to help me prioritize,
but if I am socializing or really just relaxing, I am not responding. And other
than genuinely time-sensitive emails, I take my time responding. I try my best,
I really do, but I am not putting my life on hold for hours at a time to
respond to things that can honestly afford to wait. And, frankly, I am not
guilty about it. At all. It is not Hal (yet) and therefore I am still the boss
of it.
