Barbara: Tattling—is it the
lowest thing you can do as a child? Mean, ugly, stupid?
Did you grow up with this belief?
Do you still believe it?
Okay, now … why?
I read this article in our
national paper the other day and it brought me back to those years as a young
parent when tattling and all the coping strategies that go with it became my
responsibility. I’d grown up, as almost everyone I knew, to believe that
tattletales were pernicious, mean and small-minded people. That children who
tattled deserved my scorn. That I should “ignore it/them” and they would learn
to work it out. But as a young parent, I was also now an adult, and as an adult
I’d come to learn that the expression “tattletale” only applies to children and
their problems. Because, of course, adults who point a finger are usually
considered brave, righteous, or “whistleblowers”. And don’t these brave
whistleblowers or victims often speak about how difficult it is for them to
decide to say something against their aggressor or wrongdoer, and that they
felt wrong to do so, and that they only agreed after much soul-searching and
support? Aren’t we all familiar to some degree with this strange disassociation
between what’s right, and then standing
up for what’s right? And is it possible that maybe this disassociation
began when, as kids, we were repeatedly told to work it out ourselves, that
tattling was the worst, most base thing we could do, and that—in the
unbelievably inflammatory language of the clinical psychologist/writer of this
article—“everybody knows that tattletales are
on the upper rungs of those who should be despised.”
Really???!!!
I could go on and on about the unbelievably inflammatory
language of this guy’s article, but I’m not here to discuss his choice of words
or his ideology. No, it’s my blog so I’m here to discuss my own.
Now I am not a clinical psychologist, but I am sure that if
someone is doing something wrong, something physically or emotionally (let’s
call it what it is) abusive, especially if the people involved are young
children to whom EVERYTHING FEELS LIKE AN EPIC EVENT, isn’t this the best, most
purposeful time to take a few minutes out of our day to offer up a life lesson?
To delineate for both children involved what is right and wrong? To lend a
loving and supportive ear when one or both of them feel maligned? To prove to
them that the home, the sacred circle that it is, is the best and safest place
to air grievances and be heard and gently directed?
I know it’s annoying to hear “the whine”. I do. I was there.
I know it can come at the worst possible time, say, in the middle of some
really pivotal part of that novel you’re writing. I also know it can feel like
“the whine” is caught on some loop, like a scratch in a record, replaying the
same refrain over and over and over again. I know this. I also know—from
experience—that the grievance, however trivial it seems to you—will have
powerful triggers in both kids involved. I mean, sure, you may still not make
everyone happy (in that moment), I certainly remember often leaving the
discussion almost at square one and even with a frustrated (from me), “Well,
you’ll have to work it out yourselves then!”, but I definitely remember most
“tattles” ending in a kind of détente, where, at the very least, there was a
calmer “agree to disagree” feeling. I also know very well that, if both sides have
been heard, if all grievances have been aired, even if no satisfying outcome
was achieved, those bickering, “tattling” kids will grow up with a sure sense that there is no shame in
revealing your pain and that fair play is possible, and with some sense that, occasionally, it turns
out that just because you feel
wronged doesn’t mean you are wronged.
PS: If your kids know you’re gonna wanna talk about the tattle, a) they will
surely have their debating skills right up to snuff, which is great for their communications skills,
and b) because they know you’re gonna
wanna talk about it, they will also only bring you grievances they think
are worth the effort!
As a parent, I realize now that the tattling phase really
only lasts a few years. What’s a few minutes out of those days spent
communicating with your child that hitting their sister (or stealing from them,
or calling them a name) is not okay, that
you hear them, and that there is some loving order in a chaotic world? Is our
traditional approach to tattlers a lazy parent’s way out? Worse, does it condition
the bad habit of suppression when we are hurt?
Or is the writer of this article right when he says that, by
allowing the tattle, we are “currying favour at the expense of another” and
forming “divisive bad habits”, and that the best and only way for us to deal
with our children’s grievances is to ignore them?
Deb: Fascinating! Here is what I was brought up to believe and
rather than changing it when raising the boy, I held fast to its model. I was
taught that it isn’t right and nobody needs to know which kid took the last
cookie or who threw the mud ball. I was taught to believe that I should tell
when the person was hurting someone emotionally or physically or breaking the
law. Anything beneath that was none of my beeswax. I was taught that if I was
being pulled into something unsavory that I should own up to who is doing the
pulling. Beyond that—stay out of it. In the professional world, as far as I can
see, it has to be the same rules. Cheaters, liars, thieves, beware. Everyone
else, just watch out for smartphones!!!
