Monday, May 14, 2012

Are You Mom Enough To Not Just Be A Mom?

Deb: The cover of Time Magazine this week sports a mother nursing her four-year-old son. At this point I am sure many of you have seen it and discussed it. For those who haven’t, the Mom is owning the moment and making a point. She stands, hand on hip, son at breast, both staring at the camera. She is a mother who practices “extended breastfeeding,” a concept that is part of a larger movement developed by Dr. William Sears called “attachment parenting”. He and his wife Martha, also a physician, believe that in order to be attending to our child’s emotional and biological needs, mothers must practice breastfeeding on demand, sling-wearing, co-sleeping and natural childbirth.

I have two different thoughts on this. First of all, I am not shocked by this image for its boldness, nor its concept. But what struck me at my very core was this little boy. I understand that sometimes we must go to extreme lengths to get our point out there. What bothered me is that this little boy did not get a say in this photo. This photo is on the cover of Time Magazine, for goodness sake. I wonder if, while considering her child’s “emotional” needs, the mother stopped to think what this photo might bring to him in the future, near and far in the way of teasing and cruelty by other children. Maybe she did. I would have no way of knowing that. If she did think of how this would make his life play out, she obviously made her peace with it. My boy is almost 22 and like Barb with her girls, I do not say word one about him on this blog or publicly in any way without his permission. This little boy is too young to understand what any of this means. He stands on a stool, looking awkwardly out to camera, probably wondering why his safe nurturing act is being exposed this way. Why is this person taking a picture of me with my Mom?  He may not know the exact nature of what is happening, but I wonder if it feels odd to him, feels wrong to him. I hope not, for the little guy’s sake. I guess I just wonder why a mother who spends her life breastfeeding on demand, slinging her child, and never letting him sleep alone, would in this moment leave him out there, so alone. Because in the possible backlash of this, he will be alone.

My second thought about this theory or childrearing (a theory that is not new, by the way) is the all-encompassing of it from the mother’s point of view. I have no issue with any of these practices in concept. I think it is each parent’s right to choose what she or he does regards their childrearing and good luck to each of us. The one thing I have learned from bringing up my own child is that I made many great choices and many mistakes. We all do. So I am not judging anyone’s way of weaning or feeding or sleep practices. I certainly have my own preferences, but they are mine and that of my husband. Our child, our business. I do take issue however when woman are made to feel incomplete by not being able to tick off every box of the how-to’s of parenthood.

What I also find alarming and shocking is this concept of giving yourself completely to your child, constantly ‘round the clock, every second of your day, negating your needs in the process.  For us, our bed was a place of fun and visits and scary dreams and bedtime romps and that’s all. I not only felt that I was giving the gift of self comforting and self love to the boy by having him sleep alone, but I was giving me and my relationship due weight. I would have hated to lose that in our rearing of the boy. And believe me, I have seen it happen. I decided to talk to the boy about this before I wrote down what I perceived to be his take on things. What I got from him was that he grew up with not only a healthy sense of who he is, but a healthy sense of who I am, as a person, a woman and a wife. He drew on my separate life as he was growing up. Whenever he asked to sleep with me or us for any reason, he was welcome and it was wonderful. But he understood that my time was valuable. He knew that I had not sacrificed every single thing for him. He knew that I was both Mom and Deb, at least as much as a little boy can grasp that. He has grown up respecting me for that. And in the end, I think he grew up knowing that a woman can achieve her goals, be it career or motherhood, or in my case both. He understood the give and take of a woman’s life—giving birth and taking a little of yourself back. 

Why do people feel that the woman who gives up herself completely for her child is giving the greater gift?

Barbara: A fascinating question, Deb. Timely too, in that I am answering it on Mother’s Day. Of course, being a mom with children who are now grown isn’t the same as being in the thick of it when they are young and impressionable and they feel like such utterly vulnerable beings to your every mistake or misstep. It’s way way easier for me to comfortably address motherhood from this side of the process than it might have been when I too was young, impressionable and vulnerable.

I saw this article too (or rather, my national paper’s reiteration of it). Like you, I wasn’t shocked or horrified that a mother had chosen to do this. But I was mesmerized by that photo (as I’m sure Time hoped I would be), transfixed by the boldness of it. Frankly, I never even thought of the repercussions to the boy. But since you bring it up, I can’t help but wonder the same thing. Will he be “punished” for this choice somehow at some later date? I’m not so comfortable with using children to make a point in the media, no matter how important it seems. I also don’t have anything against the mother committing to this level of nurturing, although it wouldn’t have been my choice. I happily breastfed, just not past the age they could drink from cups. I felt then, and still do, that—as you so eloquently said, Deb—my time and my life and my relationship needed some nurturing too. And that I could do both with some success.

Happy (belated) Mother’s Day to all the amazing variety of mothers and nurturing souls out there!

56 comments:

  1. Deb, I thought the same thing with you. I am not shocked by this picture or this way of parenting. I breastfed three of my children. The youngest two, as hard as I tried wouldn't take to it. No biggie to me, it actually made my life easier as I was able to have my older children bottle feed the baby while I cooked dinner. My breastfed children weaned on their own at about 15 months. I'm totally comfortable with that and I don't think any woman ever has to appologise for breast feeding. But yes, I was shocked at this poor little boy whose comfort time with his mom was exposed before who knows how many people at the photo shoot and he will see that image every time he goes to the grocery store with her. Did he get a say? I don't think it was very fair to him.

    I wish I had taken more time for myself over the last 14 years of parenting. I gave everything of myself to my children and neglected Molly. As a result, I am over-weight piece of burnt toast. I don't want to spend a lot of time with my kids anymore. I feel bad about it but right now, all I can think about is alone time for me. Perhaps if I had better balanced my life during the last decade, I would be a better mom and a better person. I just hope that I can teach my daughters about the importance of this and they don't have to become burnt toast like me.

    Deb, I've also been meaning to say for a couple of weeks now that I got to see Colin three weeks ago and really enjoyed the show. It was great fun and he and Brad were amazing to watch. I've seen on Twitter that his back has been out. I wish him a very speedy recovery.

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    1. Molly I am sorry that you felt you didn't take enough time for yourself. But you are not an overweight piece of burnt toast. It kills me to hear you describe yourself that way. You are a bright and lovely woman with the world of possibility at your feet. I know you can't undo the past but you can change your future! I'm so glad you loved the Colin and Brad show! They are really something aren't they? Yes his back is very bad! Thanks for the good wishes. He needs them.

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  2. I've been talking about this article all day to people, and sadly the overwhelming thing I've heard is that people seem disgusted by a child so old being breastfed. The main thing I found disturbing was that she involved her child in such a public way to get her point across. I totally agree with you Deb, the child isn't old enough to give his consent, and who knows how it will effect him in the future.

    Also the headline "are you mom enough" seemed designed to make mothers feel inadequate before they've even read the article! It's sad that an article about attachment parenting can both parade someone who practises it as a freak- while labeling mothers who parent differently as 'not mom enough'. It's such a powerful way to insult women- to question our mothering, because it hits us at our very core.

    I was so lucky that I had a wonderful breastfeeding experience, I fed my son til he was 2 years old and he weaned himself. I would never judge any mother who chose something else because our experiences and lives are so different. But I was surprised that I was being judged for something that I believed to be the best possible thing I could do for my child. I got called disgusting and told my son would grow up to be a mummy's boy and never leave home. So ridiculous as I now have a very independent and happy 3 year old.

    There needs to be more focus on giving mothers all the information and support possible, so they have the resources they need to create a happy family and a balanced life. Much less energy should be put into judging women and making them feel bad about themselves!

    Happy Mother's Day, hope everyone had a wonderful day! x

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    1. Yes Samara I agree "Sadly" I wish that woman would stand up for women but often it is women who judge other women most harshly. For me it is the little boy and the fact as you say that woman are constantly made to feel inadequate in their choices. I think it's great that you breastfed your son in your way and on your timeline. The people who told you he would be a mama's boy are the same people who told us that our boy would be gay because he took ballet. And...all of them were women!

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  3. I think each parent can do what they want with their kids as long as it is not abusive. I also think this is way more about the parent than the kid. She knew what she was doing and was proud of it and wanted clearly some attention to her theories (which I am not in line with). Boundaries are a very hard thing to learn as a parent and I think attachment parenting blurs those boundaries so much. They are saying don't you read National Geographic and see this all the time-yes, I do but the women are in a different scenario. Food is scare, housing is rarer and the kids are often not safe so AP is all they have. This is not the case with this mother or her child. I think she is more selfish and thinking more about her needs than actually those of her son. But in the end she got her 15 minutes. I am not sure it is about anything else, really.

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    1. Well said Madge. Yes she got her fifteen at her child's expense. I hope it works out for both of them.

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  4. Deb, we are absolutely on the same page. I could give a toss about the mom's decision to breastfeed her almost four year old - her child her choice - but I instantly felt sick for the little boy who will suffer, and I don't think suffer overstates it, the repercussions of this photo for years. If you don't think that it'll trail after him like a bad puppy forever, you haven't seen a child through middle school in the technological age.
    I felt the same way when Sarah Palin accepted the invitation to run for V.P. knowing, it soon emerged, that she had an unwed teenage daughter. Did her family situation shock me...not particularly as it wasn't my business...but the fact that her whole schtick was about traditional family values and she had to know the media would pounce on her child just horrified me. I couldn't reconcile how you could be claiming to be all about your family and yet, not unlike the mom in photo, leave your child open to such potentially damaging scrutiny.
    As for the child rearing philosophy in question, I really don't have an opinion to your point about what approach works for one may not be ideal for another. Frankly, at this stage in our lives, the whole boring repetitive conversation about mothering styles should only be good for putting the baby to sleep. It's yet another area where women are constantly attacked and criticized by the media, by society and worst of all, as we should know better, by each other.

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    1. Good points Annette. I guess what my main point is, that I think a new Mom should be able to keep a bit of her self in tack and not be judges. Full time Mom? Working Mom? I think either is fine. But neither should be judged or be the focus of guilt. And yes as I said (this is not a new concept)...enough already. Leave these poor women alone. They are only getting three hours of sleep a night!!!!!!!!!! :-)

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  5. Yes, definitely not a shocking concept, I know many mothers who continued to breastfeed late- not as a main source of nutrition, but as comfort and connection for the child. I know some of those babies who had working mothers and are now themselves graduated with degrees and making their way in the world.

    I, too, was struck by the child. I am not sure how this Mother's choice is different from the multitude of reality tv shows involving children, from Jerry Springer, Kate plus 8, 19 and counting, Pageant Moms or whatever it's called. I know this mother is not making a career off of her breastfeeding son, I know intellectually it is different, but in my heart I feel the pang for that boy; the picture circulating as he enters a new school or has his first crush, the speed and efficiency of the cruelty with today's social media. The picture could have effectively happened without his face exposed. How can any of these children effectively give consent to this?,,,

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    1. Moira, Thanks for drawing the parallel between this and the reality shows that dot the air. I too am beyond appalled at how these parents choose to 'pimp' their kids for their profit and our entertainment. The one, and I should point out I've never watched a single episode of any of these shows such is my revulsion, that really galls me is the Duggar family. They are somehow positioned as being morally superior to the rest of these shows because the family is religious. Well thou shalt not exploit one's offspring is my response to that supposition.
      My college-age daughter and her friends were watching 16 and Pregnant here one day and I was stopped in my tracks as I watched the grandmother-to-be suggest an abortion to her young daughter. It wasn't the conversation that destroyed me, though the fact that it was being held on national tv did disturb, as I make no claims on deciding what's the right course for others...it was that someday some child was going to see his/her grandmother suggesting this to his mom and getting horribly upset when mom wouldn't buy into it. That's sure to be a swell day for that child will it not?

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    2. Great points Moira and Annette! Yes the whole life isn't worth living unless it's on a public scale! Don't even know how to begin to tackle that one. I have thought of blogging about it but thought "where do I start, where do I even begin with these morons? "

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  6. Wow. Okay, I was totally taken aback by the photo on the cover, as well as the woman breastfeeding way past what society deems an appropriate age to stop. I'm also one of those people who doesn't want to see women whip "it" out just anywhere and feed their kid. It just doesn't seem very civilized to me. Having written that, I admit that if I am out and there is someone breastfeeding in a public way, I don't complain about it. I just don't look.
    This woman, in my opinion, used her son to get attention. This photo of him will exist out in cyberspace forever. Sure he may have formed a stronger attachment to her this way, but he will be ridiculed by his peers most likely for a very long time. That can't be good for his developing psyche. She has doomed him to an early life filled with teasing and probably also a lot of bullying.
    No, I don't have children. Could ya guess? :) It's hard to say whether or not I'd feel the same about whipping it out for a feeding. I'm really thinking I'd feel exactly the same about it and use a breast pump and bottle feed. I don't like calling attention to myself so mostly likely I'd do whatever need be in order not to stick out like a sore thumb.
    Hopefully I haven't offended any of the enlightened Middle-agers here. It won't change how I feel on the subject but I don't want to get into a hair pulling brawl of words over my views, either.
    Hugs,
    Karen

    P.S. Yes, I am kind of a prude about some things. Believe it or not, I don't like to see men out in public without at least a wife beater shirt on. Doesn't matter how dang cute his is, he needs some clothes on unless he's at the beach, poolside, or lounging at home. So it should go without saying that I'd feel women need to cover themselves up as well. :)

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    1. Karen your views are your views and we are always happy to hear them. It would be very dull indeed if we all had the same ideas. I do feel however that if it were men doing the breastfeeding, the seventh inning stretch would be scores of men doing the wave while whipping it out, and no one would bat an eye!

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    2. Hmmm, I don't know about that. Maybe. We do tend to ignore them clutching at...themselves, don't we. I still wouldn't like it. Some things should just remain a mystery.
      hugs

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  7. I am not a mother and don't plan to be one (but you never know about the future). I would probably start saving for my childrens therapy like others do for education, just because I think they would need it more. :)) So I have no comment on the parenting, breastfeeding or other nature versus nurture issue.

    I just can't take my eyes off the boy's eyes. There is something cold about that picture. I do remember seeing the pic earlier, but my reaction to it was more "not interested". I would not buy it (nor will I buy it if it ever comes to this section of the world) because of the cover. I already feel sorry for the boy, so what would it make me feel if I read the article.

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  8. Never say never Kasku! :-)
    But yes. YES. Cold. The boy looks so awkward and frankly confused.

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  9. This is the first time I have seen this photo. It was on our local news but they had photo-shopped a ribbon over the child's face and woman's breast. I think that breast feeding is a wonderful thing but I think that this article isn't necessary. The article is only stirring up controversary. Every mohter and parent should be making their own choices with the help of a doctor's advice and the helpful input of family at most. Not from an article that will forever be found on the internet. I feel bad for the little boy because he now sees breast feeding as something that was once a private bonding time for him and his mom, and now it is being shown to everyone in the world.
    That said I have no children and haven't been around any brest feeding mothers so I am just going on gut instinct here.
    Happy Mother's Day to all you wonderful women. And hope Colin feels better soon :)

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    1. Thanks Kelly! wow I was shocked to hear that they blocked out the photo. Thanks for the good wishes for Colin and for Mother's Day!

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  10. This really is an interesting subject. I just like you guys think everybody is different and IDK probably the kid will make peace with it in the future...I mean we all go through tough times....!
    In my case I didnt get my mom much in my childhood but she still made sure she spent time with me...I practically grew up at my aunt's place coz my mom had work...But she still made sure she gave me everything I asked for...and I am proud to say she fed me with her own hands every night until I was 10....Yep. 10 YOU HEARD ME !! And I'm proud of it...It was her way of saying..."I wasn't there all day for you, so I'll make sure we connect now" and I think because My father Died really early...she didn't ever wanna make me feel the void of it..and she didn't. And I guess thats why I grew mature really soon...and I absolutely adore the way she raised me.
    And I dont think if the mother gives herself completely to her kid she is giving a greater gift. Coz I got my mom IDK barely for a few hours...Yet she was and is my best friend....But Yeah my sheer being "close to my mom" gave me a very tough time in school....But IT WAS WORTH IT !!! :)

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    1. Awwh And sweetie I heard Colin's not well....Gosh I feel for him, Back pain's a BITCH !!! Yep...I have them too..... every MONTH!!!!
      Anyway..I hope he feels better.....Give him my best wishes !! and Ask him to rest..thats the best way to recover...!!!I have some remedies I guess lemme know if you need any k ! Love you both xoxoxo

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    2. Thanks Shalaka, he is hurting indeed. Thanks for the good wishes!

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  11. I know plenty of attachment parenting, extended breastfeeding moms who are not happy about this cover. Many feel it does not represent the what, why, and how of attachment parenting. Personally, after almost 11 years as a mom and a bit more as a step-mom, I tend to chuckle at "parenting" methods, books, stereotypes, preachers, pushers, judges, juries, witches. I used to listen to it all until I realized that I was living life out of the fear of "screwing up" my kids and was missing out on building amazing relationships with them. We all want nice, orderly child-rearing practices, except that it's a messy job and there is not a one-size fits all parenting template. But, yeah, that picture makes me cringe.

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    1. Eileen I was just saying to my husband that those of us who have been through it (and by that I mean all the generations before us too) tend to say "oh no, not this again" but for the current mom's, they are anxious to hear what is new and what is happening and to judge it against their own instincts. I think the choices these moms and dad's make are great if they work for them. And even if they don't. Hell, as I said, I made plenty of bad choices with the good. And I hope it works out well for this Mom and son. Maybe she will look back on this as one of her bad choices. Maybe not.

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  12. The boy in the picture isn't a child, he's a fashion accessory. He's a way for the (s)mother to live out her egotism. "Look at me, I'm the superior mother on the world's foremost news magazine!" Likewise, such monomaniacal "parenting" cannot be healthy. Parents must raise children who are autonomous, ready to be adults, themselves, and a parent who sees to every single need and lives entirely around the child is not doing this. Children need to learn how to deal with loss, with shortages, and with failure and insecurity. A parent who provides everything and ensures total "emotional security" harms the child in later life.

    Of course, the Helicopter Parenting First Flying Cavalry Brigade will accuse me of wanting to raise children on the Mr. and Mrs. Bumble orphan administration model, which would be false. What we need is balance, not extremes.

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    1. Bryan balance is a good thing in all areas of our lives isn't it?

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    2. I agree, Bryan. I would sure hate to be the woman who ends up with her son. Wowser, how would she ever be able to compete with his mom?
      hugs

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  13. I'm not a mother, no where close to it. So, I can't say I understand the perils of motherhood: the sleepless nights, the constant worrying, the financial responsibility. I am one of the few women in my circle that is still childless. I have friends on both ends of the breast feeding issue. One stopped nursing at 6 weeks out of fear the child would become too attached and she didn't want to scar her daughter with memories of breast feeding. Another enjoys nursing, and uses it to bond with her children. However, she will only do it at home, and if company is around she will cover up or leave the room. The last friend example is a mother who is completely open with nursing. She has absolutely no problem taking her boobs out in front of company, male or female. They each have their own theories on breast feeding, and interestingly enough, they have nothing to do with societal pressures. While I believe breast feeding is the better option, I don't believe there is any shame in any of their decisions, because it is their decision, their body....not mine.

    The picture on the magazine doesn't bother me, and I don't think it should bother anyone. A woman nursing her child in public should be ok. The woman is not pulling it out to be sexual or offend anyone, she is simply doing what she was biologically created to do. As far as the child's age is concerned, well, if the world average is 4.2 years then this child is right on track. I do feel that once the child starts school it's time to start weaning her/him. If you want them to still have breast milk why not pump and use it as a replacement for store-bought milk?

    Because of the way I was raised, I don't necessarily agree with attachment parenting. I enjoy my wiggle room in bed, and believe children will survive with tough love. I don't believe in overprotecting children, because I have seen first hand what it can do if it goes too far. I would want my child to have the confidence to know they can stand on their own two feet, and be able to comfort themselves when times get tough. That's not to say I wouldn't be there to help, but there will be a time when they are completely on their own and they need the confidence to know everything will be ok.

    Again, I am no where close to being a mother. My opinions are based on observation and my own childhood rather than practice.

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    1. They are good opinions and I appreciate them Monica so thanks for sharing them. Make no mistake, I have no issue with public nursing. None! My issue was that this little boy did not have a say in choosing or not to be on the cover of a national magazine nursing. I support nursing mother's nursing wherever they need to. I was one too once. :-)

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    2. For me, that is a foggy area. Yes, he's too young to really understand what this entails. A child that young needs the parent's to make the decisions. Hopefully she will teach him that there is no shame in being on the cover breast feeding. Yeah sure he will endure children picking on him in the future, but if it's not this it will definitely be something else. I hope he will be able to hold his head high and say he has no shame in being nursed, because they were all there once! This is the decision the mother made, and I hope that she considered all the outcomes before doing this...but we will never know.

      Just out of curiosity, I don't have access to the magazine, what do we know about this woman? Is she a model turned mother? Does she work for time? How did they come about making this the cover story?

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  19. Go ahead and remove this too...but at least remove your comments in response. Have some decency instead of keeping your comments up there to make yourself look a certain way. It's dishonest to your readers.

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  20. It was a mistake CS, I was just removing them when you slapped my wrist. Thank you for your comment.

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  21. Personally I'd say to both Deb & Barb - your thoughts are always well stated and from the perspective of a fellow mother sharing her concerns about the article, you recognize the plethora of options a mother has in modern society to raise & care for her family.
    I can't wish that my mother had been around more often because she became a single working mom the yr I turned 10. She's a very strong woman who often had to practice 'tough love' on two defiant teenage daughters... I wouldn't change that, it taught me to cope as an adult.
    The one modern practice that has baffled me the last few years (this may be a discussion all it's own) is the habit of empowering children & not giving them boundries. The movement to never tell a child 'No' or correct them I think may cause a generation of young ppl who are going to get a great shock when the first boss, professor, bank has to tell them "No, end of discussion."!

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  22. Yes Erin I agree. We saw some stellar examples of that yesterday in fact. Life is about freedom within boundaries. We do live in a society after all. I don't think we do our children any favours by making them think it is always going to be a yes. Because it's not. And what a great gift to teach them how to negotiate and deal with a no and still come out feeling great and productive.

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  23. I dislike how the question "are you mom enough" seems to put forth the notion that you either parent 100% one way or 100% the other way. Be a perfect parent or be a failure, no inbetween. The perfect mother is nothing more than myth. In reality all mothers are somewhere inbetween, we all make mistakes and we all parent in the way that what works best for us. Am I Mom enough? I'm Mom enough to parent my way with my values, my methods and to happily tell anyone who critisizes my choices to frig off so yeah I'm Mom enough regardless of how long I breastfed or any other way I parent.
    I also can't help but feel sorry for the little boy, that such a private thing is being broadcast to the world. I hope it doesn't turn what is likely a positive thing in his life into a negative. Even if he was asked if he was ok with it he doesn't seem old enough yet to understand the consequences. I breastfed and I have pictures that once upon a time the girls didn't mind sharing with close friends and loved ones now though they do mind and so they don't get shared. This picture can't ever be taken back or put somewhere private. Forget diamonds the internet is forever and now so are these pictures.

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    1. Yes it is always sad when we make each other feel like we are not doing a good job of parenting. We are doing the best we can with the resources we have and the instincts we have.

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  24. Not much time right now, but did breeze through it all. I completely agree with Madge on this. As always, I love your blog, and only sorry that I miss out frequently. I'm not a mother, but feel I had a fabulous upbringing and don't regret ANYTHING in my life. I'm 65. I feel self-reliant, fearless, very strong, emotionally balanced, "I'm enough," and I'm very compassionate and loving. I was fed from a bottle, but I love seeing mothers nurse. My sister hates to see women nurse. Go figure. We were raised the "same," at least outwardly, but we all perceive things differently. We all make judgements about what we think we would do. I really don't care what someone else does, as long as it isn't abusive. Same goes for all else in life. We don't know long term ramifications for anything. So many factors come into play. If I did have a child, I'd probably raise the child as I was raised....because I like how I turned out! If I didn't like myself, I'd probably try to figure out what to do differently. As always, thank you.

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    1. Thanks Cheryl. It is always wonderful to hear from you. Your thoughts and comments are great and welcome here!

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  25. I did see the magazine cover but haven't read the article, so can't comment, but will weigh in to say that my oldest child was still breastfeeding at the age of four and that I did practise attachment parenting without ever giving up any part of myself or my life that I wasn't willing to (which was none, I guess, to be honest; I wanted to have it all, and felt that I did).

    For me, giving my young children what they needed when they needed it made it easier for me to have what I needed when I needed it, because they were more content and far easier to care for and thus far less demanding of my time and attention, in the long run, than children I observed who did not get what they needed (parental attention, reassurance, care) when they asked for it, for whatever reason. Hope that makes sense; no one, attachment parenting or not, is always on call to their kids and can meet every need or demand. I can't see that being possible, hard as some try.

    Now, my son IS a bit of a mama's boy, and frankly I don't see that as a bad thing. We have a close connection, yet he is independent and happy. (One of a kind, with his developmental delays, but I don't think my mothering ruined him for the real world in any way.)

    What was bothersome in those days of breastfeeding a four-year-old was the way people looked askance at it, thought it was perverted, disgusting, all that. It wasn't! It was as tender and beautiful an experience to breastfeed a child of four as a child of four months; it felt natural. And it felt natural to encourage him to stop when *I* was ready for it to stop; I made that decision, not him. He probably would've carried on a lot longer if I'd allowed it, but he also handled stopping it too.

    It's a western culture thing, to criticize extended breastfeeding and not understand why a mother would do it. We sexualize breasts here in North America; that's the bottom line. In many parts of the world, without breastfeeding for extended periods, children die. Here, extended breastfeeding very likely contributes to lifelong good health. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

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    1. It's a terrific story and you should stick to it! I think it's lovely that you breast fed your child until you and he were done. And you are sure right about western culture and it's breast obsession. As I said in the post, I have no issues with any of it. I just wondered about this little boy who did not get a say. And I worry about women losing themselves in their need to be perfect mothers. Sounds like you managed both very well. My boy is a Mama's boy too, in the sense that we are close and we share things and he loves me. A that's a very good thing.

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    2. That little boy will probably be an avid supporter of extended breastfeeding, an advocate for breastfed babies and children everywhere! It will be interesting in years to come, if he pops up in the media. But it wouldn't surprise me one bit. He probably already has received whispered encouragement by relatives that he is "too big a boy" to still be breastfeeding; I bet his education in standing up for this particular choice has already begun.

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    3. Yes he might be, I agree. And that would be a good thing. I think extended breastfeeding is great. My issue was with the fact that the little boy had no say in the fact that he was awkwardly breastfeeding on the cover of Time Magazine. So I do hope he grows up to look past that, or even embrace it.

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  26. I think what gets me the most is the whole militant/confrontational tone of the cover - "Are you mom enough?" The mother's body language. The child's uncertainty. It makes me angry. Who the h-e-double hockey sticks are you (whoever "you" are) dare to judge my ability to parent?

    I have parented with many "professionals" looking over my shoulder, telling me what I should be doing as a parent. Not because I was an unfit parent, but because my child has a disability. Those professionals kept hammering at me - You need a definite routine. You must have a sterile house. You must (fill in the blank). You must be eternally grateful to me, the professional, because you don't know anything about autism.... Jo don't play that game. Even though I didn't fall for that malarkey, I was very insecure as a mom - trying to balance the needs of her extraordinary child with the needs of

    Am I a horrible parent for letting my child have a bottle until he was 5 (and yes, he had a bottle in kindergarten)? Am I a terrible parent for allowing Odin in the middle of the night to toddle down the stairs and crawl into my bed and sleep, and he did that until he was around 10 or 11 (even after being medicated to sleep) because I had to have some sleep, and if I moved him, he'd be up for the rest of the night? Am I a terrible parent for needing three people to hold Odin down in order to get him to take a bite of anything that's was new for food, or to cut his hair? Am I a horrible parent because my child wasn't toilet trained until he was 8? I did the best I could with what I had without turning my home into some sort of institution.

    I know Odin's situation isn't the "typical" child rearing experience, but that is my parenting experience. I don't know much about "attachment parenting", and right now, and I don't really care to. All I know is that if any cover of any magazine 10 to 15 years ago like this one faced me, I'd be a heck of a lot angrier than I am now - all because of the phrase "are you mom enough".

    I realize that most of the discussion surrounds the child - how does he feel/think/what will the future bring for him? Those are very valid points. What does the mother hope to gain by this photo? Again, another valid point. But, perhaps we need other conversations as well - media's portrayal of motherhood - identifying what it is, and the pros/cons of that. Perhaps another conversation can be around what kind of supports are out there for parents that don't carry any implicit/explicit judgement.

    I'm ranting, and going off topic, so I'll hush now and play with my toes. :)

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    1. Good points all and food for thought. Our son had a binky until he was three! Oh the judgement that fell upon us!

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  27. I'm not a mother but I understand that there are very difficult decisions to make with parenting, and I wish that we supported each other and respected each other rather than constantly judging each other for not having the same opinion as us. I think that that title is absolutely horrible, suggesting that if you didn't mother your child in that way that that makes you a poor mother.
    Deb, I hope that Colin's back heals soon and that your parents are well :)

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    1. Thanks Aimee. Women should stand up for each other it's true. Thanks for the good wishes for Colin!

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  28. I saw this pic when a classmate posted it on Facebook. Our reaction matched that of many here: "What's going to happen when this kid gets old enough to have friends who see this?"

    What I see from this cover is, "I'm breast-feeding my child at this age because I can, so NYAH." If the actual story is about keeping your child as close to you for as long as you can, this is the absolute worst way in which to display is. There's certainly no close comforting portrayed here. Hell, the kid's on a chair, for Pete's sake! Stretch for the caring? Kind of contradictory in my view.

    By the by, whatever point Time is trying to prove, the woman's entire breast has been blurred in most other media's display of the photo. Point not taken, Time. Not yet.

    I worked with a woman who breast-fed her kids well past five. We couldn't imagine having the child coming over, unbuttoning her shirt, and having a snack right there and then. I disagree with this woman and this way of thinking, but I doubt many would appreciate my moving out before my daughter was four.
    So my line is, "I don't believe in it, so I won't do it."

    Claiming that we are each individuals, not just mothers, can be a tough road. All the cards we get from our kids will say, "Mom." We can see we succeeded in teaching our kids who we are, when the kids can see all the cards and realize that, whether they say sister, friend, aunt, wife, dog-owner, they're all speaking to the same person.

    And now, I leave you to wade through whatever I just wrote and try to find the coherence in it.

    Best of luck.

    PS: Colin, I wish you a healthy, safe, pain-free existence. And I hope it happens soon, if not already.

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    1. It was very coherent! I think even though the world sees us as Mom, we must find the we in us! How's that for coherent!? Also thanks to all of you for the good wishes for Colin.

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  29. My experience was the flip-side of the coin. I could only breast-feed my two children for a relatively short time, due to recurring mastitis and extreme pain, but I wanted to give them at least some natural goodness before changing to the bottle. And yet, despite my best efforts, it still felt like I was constantly judged for not keeping at it longer, and that didn't help with my fight against depression. Still, I got through it, and my girls are perfectly happy and healthy.

    I think mothers need to do what feels right for them and their children. I don't see anything wrong with extended breastfeeding, but there comes a point when it does more harm to the child than good. I can't help but cringe at that picture, too.

    Completely off topic, but I also send my best wishes to Colin for a speedy recovery. x

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  30. I have no problem with extended breastfeeding at all. Whatever works for the individual. And I hear you regards issues with nursing. I had them too despite my best efforts!

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  31. I'm not a Mom (probably never will be), but I also find this very...shocking.
    And like you said, Deb, nobody asked the poor boy, if he wanted to be exposed.

    I don't know anything about those theories, but I guess there's no right and no real wrong (well, except if you abuse and hurt your child) way to raise your children...

    But I always find it a little bit strange, when parents are over-connected. The child needs to learn to be independant, the child needs to know that there are limits, and the child needs to learn that parents need time for themselves. At least that's what I think.

    I once saw on German TV a mother, who breastfed her kid at the age of...8-10 years...I don't know...but I think that is really weird...You can do other things with your kids to show your love and spend time with them.


    P.S. Get well, soon, Colin...I hate back pains...

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  32. UGH! I just got this magazine out of mailbox today and it's so disturbing! You bring up a great point--I never thought of all the teasing this poor kid will have to endure once other kids get wind of this. He'll always be "the tit sucker." So effed up. I am so much more judgmental than you. I think those "attachment parents" are nuts.

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