Monday, September 24, 2012

Secret Revelations


Barbara: A friend posted a question on Facebook the other day that got me thinking. And thinking. And thinking. So much so that I thought it would make an excellent topic for conversation here today.

The question was: have you ever revealed something important to someone only to regret your honesty afterward?

My short answer was: Yes.

Yes, I have over my many years felt the need to share a secret, a discovery, a heart-wrenching truth only to immediately regret it because the response was so … unsatisfying. Painful or disrespectful or just plain “not enough”. I’ve also shared secrets that I later regretted because while the conversation itself may have been satisfying enough, the relationship didn’t stand the test of time, and I was left with that forlorn feeling in the wake of the break, like they’d run off with my baby blanket or something.

BUT…

But. The real truth is that, in the big picture that is my life and my life’s journey, I don’t regret it. Why? Well, because what I needed to learn, what I need to remind myself of on a regular basis, is the healing benefit (for me, mind you, maybe this won’t apply to everyone) of speaking of my most painful experiences so I can, at some point soon, let it go. Let go of the anger, the hurt, the fear, the sadness. I always picture the words coming out of my mouth as small buoyant balloons, lifting the dead weight of my pain, making it lighter, sometimes even floating it away. There is something about the process of revelation that shines a light on my pain, whether it is to myself or to the greater world or to both. Those few times that I experienced that flinching regret after a bad conversation (they didn’t get it, they made light of it, they glossed over it), I found that the horrible sense of betrayal faded much more quickly than I could ever have imagined in the moment. And why? Because I finally realized that my journey to recovery, my journey, period, is in my own discovery, my own growth, my own acceptance of my own truth. And part of that journey is finding THE RIGHT PEOPLE with whom to share my secrets. And part of that journey is “testing” many different people. And part of that journey is realizing that there is not one person with whom I share all my secrets, but different people who are perfect for different kinds of secrets. And, of course, there is also the seeing and accepting that some people are not good for any secrets. Not my problem, but theirs.

At this point in my life, every one of my secrets has found a safe and blessed harbour in at least one very important other heart. But I had to learn how to share. And I had to learn with whom to share. These lessons all required trial and error. It’s as simple as that. We can’t find our diamonds without a lot of mining. Not every effort is going to pay off in the way we want it to. Not every person is going to be perfect for us in every situation.

But it is worth every effort, every heartbreak, every pulled emotional muscle to do this work. It has made me more honest with myself and with others, it has made me braver, more resilient. It has made me a better person in every way. There were some bitter pills in the past, but in the end, they were good medicine for my emotional health.

Still, it does require going on a journey out into the world. With any luck, with lots of honesty, vulnerability and grace, you will find your fellow journeymen.

Deb: A tough subject for me, Barbara. I would love to say I have no regrets in this area, but I do. You see, the problem with me is, I love a good story. I love hearing one and I adore telling one. Sometimes a secret is just too too interesting not to tell. A good friend of mine always says, “A secret is something you tell, one person at a time”.  But I have told tales out of school. I have huge regrets over them and try to heal them bit by bit. But I have also been successful at keeping huge secrets and been so proud of myself, only to have resentment laid at my feet by friends for not divulging. My thing that I try really really hard to do, is to not tell other people’s secrets. I share good stories, but I try not to tell what I think someone else would not want told. I do this with mixed results, I am ashamed to say. But as always, I try. Always try. Sometimes it is best to simply not have the information. Good topic. I think I might have to add to the Dancing at the Shame Prom!

Barbara: Yes, Dancing at the Shame Prom! Here’s a link to this wonderful and fascinating book that our friends Amy Ferris and Hollye Dexter edited: it is a series of personal essays about its writers' most shameful experiences. I just got my copy and we will follow up here when we’re done reading. PS I hope you guys know I was talking about revealing my own secrets, heartaches, and troubles to people!

45 comments:

  1. Aww Great topic! Exactly what I was thinking about a while ago. You put it wonderfully Barb! It does help the healing process. In fact it reminds me of our Skype Convo. I dont know if you remember but I told you girls about a "certain secret" regarding my family. Well not really a secret but it was pretty gut wrenching for me at the time. And ya know what at first I thought "CRAP why was I talking about THAT??" coz there was sooo much I wanted to talk to you about. But I realized that it came out involuntarily because I trusted you girls. And it happens a lot of times to some people I know. They end up telling me their secrets...so easily that I realize it only when they say "Ive never told anyone this before". I'm a great secret keeper.

    I like to consider myself as an open book. I do have some secrets. But I dont regret telling them to anyone. But yeah I did feel that "oh crap she didnt get it" feeling sometimes.

    I remember a time when I had a BIG secret because everyone around me who knew it seemed to look at it that way. But thanks to what I know now I released it and I dont feel fear or hesitation when I talk about it. Its just like any other topic. Its better that way. I dont have a lot of negative thoughts about them. It is what it is. So I dont mind talking about most of my secrets openly.
    And the ones who GOT my secrets ended up being my best friends...And I LOVE IT!

    P.S. I Hope Phil enjoyed his birthday! xo

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    1. In many ways, sharing your deepest darkest seems to shine a very bright light on who is great for that long-term friendship and who maybe isn't so much. Thanks, Shalaka! Oh, and yes, Phil had a GREAT day yesterday :)

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  2. I haven't talked about my own business too much. Of course I have shared things with my friends. I really don't have any big secrets (I don't think). I am a succer for direct questions and if someone asks I tell them. Once I told a teacher (it was in Florida) that if he didn't want to know the truth he shouldn't ask a finn. :) But back to the secrets. I have told somethings to a friend of mine, but she seems to have forgotten all of them already. So I no reason to feel bad about telling her.

    I have once told about my friends business to another friend of mine. It did hurt our friendship a bit, but because of it she got her best friend back. So in the end I say that it was worth it. Of course she doesn't know this side of the story, and I am not going to tell it to her. With me moving abroad soon, she is giving me enough cold treatment already.

    The biggest secret that I have kept so far is, the time when I got my driver's license. Only my sister and dad knew about it. Later when I almost had the license I told my friends. Last I told my granny (to whom I wanted to tell it the most). Later I heard that one of my aunts wanted to know if she had paid the license for me (the wording was something like "you didn't pay it, right!). There I had no regrets that I hadn't told my granny about it sooner.

    At the moment the only "secret" I have is that I am moving. I use the quotation marks because the only one not knowing about it seems to be my mother. I once tried to tell her, but she wasn't interested talking about me at the time. So unless one of my aunts haven't ratted me out to her, she has no clue. Well she should know that I am moving in with my sis next month.

    Oh, about the not getting stuff. Doesn't bother me at all. At least I got the thing that was bothering me out of my mind and now it is not bothering anyone else. :)

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    1. Yes, that's it for me too: the kind of healing/releasing of letting something go. It's not really about the other person at all. Just that it exists now in the "real world" and that it is true (for me). It's tricky though because of course so many people have had bad experiences with this.

      I am so wishing you luck and success in your move, Kasku!!

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    2. Thanks! This one in next month is going to be my 19th. So I think I might need to celebrate it somehow :)

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  3. I am pretty much an open book. I hold secrets for many people and have never told, some as much as 40 years by now. When my best friend died in 1998 most of my secrets died with her. I am so open that rarely do I have to divulge anything. Few regrets if any. You get what you get and you can decide if you want me as a friend or not. I have friends from 40+ years and some very recent friends who I would share anything with. Rarely has this come back to bite me and when it does I have to evaluate whether the friendship is worth working it out or letting it go.

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    1. Well said, Madge! I wouldn't consider myself an "open book", but I am learning the value of reading some of its short stories aloud ;)

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  4. Can of worms...Open! : )
    This could turn into a book of its own but I will try to keep it to only a few chapters : )
    Last week, the blog about learning I think, Yeah that was the day my big secret came loose. I accidently revealed to my mom and Gram that I am an Atheist.

    I was holding off telling them for a reason and turns out I was right. Religious people dont take to having an Atheist in the family too well. Or at least not my Gram anyway. Its been a week and we are still barely speaking.....it can only get better right? My mom was very hesitant at first but after sleeping on it has been completely okay with things : ) Which is something I needed desperately.

    SO how was it an accident you ask? Well we had some distant relatives in from Utah the weekend prior and they had confided that One of their sons had recently came out of the Atheist closet. My mom and gram took this as a worse case senario situation but I accidently got a little too excited about hearing of another Atheist (I dont know any others to really talk to so I was excited we may have one in the family) My excitement told a thousand words and before I could back pedal fast enough I was also out of my Atheist closet. So for the next 2 hours ( it was just the 3 of us on a car ride) I got ripped a new religious rear end. Mostly by my Gram but also my Mom was pitching in here and there.
    As of right now, I have mixed emotions. I am glad to just be myself but feel horrible that my Gram said I was a dissappointment to her and the family. Atleast my Mom is on my side now or at least can see my side.
    I am sure that I will eventually be okay with circumstances but I do wish that I had had time to prepare and plan instead of just happening upon things accidently. I feel so happy to have a weight off my sholders and feel so much more ME now but I can't wait for the awkardness and negative feelings to die down.

    It is so wonderful being able to say some much here and still be loved. Thanks <3

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    1. I love a good worm-can opening ;) Such an interesting story in this theme, Kelly! And so important in the conversation about honesty with those around you. Uncomfortable, yes, but this is one case where I would absolutely have encouraged you to be honest and forthright. This is your family and now they know. Drawing the analogy of "coming out of the closet" is so bang-on! In all matters or coming out, I totally think better out than in. Thanks for being so honest! xoxo

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    2. Kelly, I understand how you're feeling to some extent. I had volunteered to be to something with the church, and I ended up "resigning" after a long talk with the minister, a dear friend who accepted what I said and how I felt.
      I told my parents I'd resigned and they asked why. I told them it's because I don't believe in what the church believes and I couldn't in good conscience represent the church. My mother was SHOCKED. There were several tense moments. NOTHING like not being spoken to, and I wish I could give you a hug re: your grandmother. I hope time will ease the tension.
      My mother is a religious woman, the church means SO much to her and she's very active in it. She was raised in a deeply religious family, and two or 3 of her uncles were ministers. (I was baptized by one of them.) What I told her cut her to the quick, and, though we still talk and whatever, we don't talk about church or religion anymore at all.
      My dad was raised Catholic and still doesn't eat meat on Fridays. However, he told me he respects my decision and that I told them directly. Come to think of it, that's the only time I've ever heard him say he respects me. Funny, that.
      {{{HUGS}}}




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    3. I am totally designing a post it note with arms...so we can leave hugs for people. Love the hugs Dawn. Yeah I think time will make things easier and I think we will be on terms similar to what you have explained re: just not bringing up a conversation about religion.
      And Barbara I am so much ahppier out than in! Some side effects yes but those aside I feel so much better being honest with myself. Not to mention a bit of confidence has squirmed its way in from somewhere along this journey!

      <3

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    4. i sympathise Kelly . my mom is not comfortable with the fact i no longer believe in god . she is fine with the fact i left the catholic church though .

      i can see why reacts like she does . my mom is 77 . when she was growing up the catholic church ruled Ireland with a rod of iron . you had to believe in their rules and go to their churches .it started when you were a kid in school and continued to the day you die . you were not taught to question the way the church behaved . the extent of the abuses that took place in the catholic church has just been becoming known over the last 20 years or so .

      i practised the catholic faith basically because i knew no different . i did what my parents did . maybe it is the same for your grandmother . she was not brought up to the idea that there are people like you me and dawn out there who do not believe it god . give her a little time then dawn's idea is the best . leave religion out of any future conversations .

      just to make it 100% clear i don;t think you are a disappointment to anyone . it takes courage to say you don;t believe in god when all your family do . well done for having the courage .

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    5. I swear Linda I would take a plane to Ireland (thats wher you are right?) Just to sit and soak up the love and advice you have to give : ) Thanks so much.

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  5. Interesting topic...
    I don't think I regret telling my secrets...I am more disappointed, when I trust people, and they just turn their back on me, and walk away, as if we hadn't known each other.

    I hate that they had the privilege of getting a little piece of me, and take it away, or throw it away.

    Therefore, I am very careful. I don't open up that easily...only when I feel I can trust the person. Then I really trust her/him, and I might tell them my secrets...or some of them (I guess I have some people, who know different bits of me, but not the whole me).

    And I always try to be honest. I hate being lied to.

    I'm always honored, when people trust me, and tell me their secrets. I am a good keeper. =)
    I think I wrote it before, but one of my best friends said: Rebekka is like a diary. You can write everything into it, and she won't forget it."

    And you know what I can't stand, either?
    When someone uses me. When someone thinks I am a good trash can. They told me everything, and I did everything to make them feel better...and when I needed help or comfort, they told me, I am a selfish b****.

    Oh...and another thing...I am not good at actually TELLING something...so my family doesn't know many secrets...I'm good at WRITING things down. My online friends know me better, I guess...

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    1. Oh I totally agree WRITING is so much easier than telling!! Maybe we should just go around handing out little post it notes instead of talking : ) HeHeHe

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    2. Very inventive, Kelly! Becki, yeah, this is more what I'm talking about: the being honest and then feeling like people don't care afterward. Or that they use you, etc. But I still believe it's a journey of trial and error. The more you venture down this path, I think the more chance you have of running into -- and engaging with - truly like-minded kindred spirits. I will always wish you the best of luck in this regard!! xo

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    3. Becki, my on-line friends absolutely know me better than my family does. It's just so much easier to communicate by writing for me. Trying to explain something to someone when you believe they aren't going to listen anyway is horribly frustrating. When I write things, blog about them, comment like I'm doing now, I feel so much better because at least I've told SOMEONE, even if it's just myself. No regrets in telling myself anything, as painful as it might have been.

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    4. You're right, Dawn...maybe the writing thing is more the "hey...I've spit it out!"

      Barbara, I don't know, if I have the energy to get through this again and again. But on the other hand, I never get tired of trying to connect with other people...and I have found some lovely people (like you - have to count you, because some of the things I've written here are secrets...).

      Love you all. :)

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  6. Oh this topic is so loaded for me. Secrets were abundant in my childhood as I have shared here before. I share here and anywhere else; not for sympathy as I've been accused but for the sheer relief of letting it go and trying to find a place where I can look at it without the shame, guilt, and pain that always comes with it. All I heard as a child was what happens in this family (and I use that word lightly) is private and no one's business but ours. The threats were constant, don't you dare tell anyone or ...... I heard that one more times then I care to think about. Oh and the lies to cover up what was happnening one that stays with me and sometimes wakes me up in a cold sweat is of lying on a cold table in an ER and my mother's distorted face over me hissing. "You tell them you fell." But they knew, so many people knew the dirty secret of what was happening in our house but it was at a time where no one wanted to get involved. And those secrets were a weight I carried into adulthood and told no one until I had a child of my own. I used to make excuses for my mother's behavior (her sin was doing nothing to stop the abuse her husband inflicted on us) but when my daughter was born I finally knew there was no excuse and I didn't have to keep it all in anymore. It weighed me down and kept me from trying along with the voices that told me I was nothing. So it is with fear and anxiety I speak of the secrets now and it is with difficulty that I trust people to touch them, weigh them and judge me. But I will not keep them in anymore because I've come to a place where I don't have to anymore. The horrible secrets are a poison and it is a relief and cleansing experience to talk about them. I just long for the day when I can talk about them without the pain and sadness. Even now there is so much of it and at times I am still holding the closet full of junk shut because I'm afraid and don't want to deal with the mess that will come pouring out if I let go of the door. But sometimes I come upon someone who listens and doesn't judge, who empathizes and understands and gives me permission to let it go or let it out. So if you ask me my secrets I will tell you but it is always with a sense of hesitancy and fear. I thank God every day that I was able to break a cycle of pain and not inflict that kind of painful secret on my own children. I'm not saying I was a perfect parent, I know now there is no such thing. But I do know without a doubt that my children know they are loved and that fear was never a part of their existence but that home was in fact a safe place to be.

    I did it again I wrote too much, sorry! : (

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    1. Oh, Mary! You should never apologize here or feel badly that you write "too much". If it takes this long to get down, it takes this long, simple as that. And what an experience you've shared! Thank you so much for your honesty and truth. Your thoughts about your own children and their childhood are so encouraging -- in that we CAN break the cycles of our past. It's interesting that your mother's only response was to shut you up. This, to me, is the utmost example of why talking out is so so important (again, maybe not for every case though...) I am so happy you've found people you can trust (including us!) to share your pain with. It'll probably be a long while before all the demons are exorcised (if ever), but it will only happen with some kind of concerted "work". You are doing all you can and I am so so impressed with you!!! xoxo

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    2. I'm so glad you can talk about it and start letting it go. After all if no one ever talks about it no one sees it and things won't change. My husband grew up in a similiar household and although he and his siblings didn't repeat the cycle of abuse he is by far the one least affected by it. I think the only reason for that is that he began talking about it and letting it go when he was much younger than his siblings. You should be proud of yourself for facing those demons I don't understand them but I've seen how hard they are to live with.

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    3. Thank you Erin and Barb-sometimes secrets aren't a good thing. The one thing I've always longed for and have never been able to find is to be among people and not feel different than everyone else. I love people as Deb said I love learning their stories and more than anything I love to make them laugh. I love fun and am attracted to what I see as special relationships. There is nothing like laughing among friends! : D

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  7. I had to reread this again before I responded....just needed to think about what I wanted to say.

    Yeah...I've done this before. Sometimes I've told someone something and I get the blank looks, the "annnnnnnd?" or just the way-out in left field responses I wasn't expecting. But what I kept thinking about is what keeps us telling? Do we expect a reaction, an emotion, or a thoughtful word? I'm not saying this holds true for everyone, but since I'm trying to be honest I find that sometimes I say things to certain people because I WANT a reaction. Isn't that terrible?

    Sometimes I feel like my best friend does that with me. She tells me those magic words "I just need someone to listen" and I physically and mentally drop everything. I may be way off base with this one but sometimes I just spill out on here what comes to mind after I read these posts. Clearly you ladies have put a lot of thought into this. Makes me think...

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    1. Oh, I'm so glad you brought this up, Kelly! I DO think "wanting a reaction" is valid too. Sometimes there is just the weight of the pain that needs to be addressed, sometimes it's also that we feel like we're in a vacuum and really want to be "heard". Saying something and getting a reaction encourage us to feel heard. Nothing wrong with wanting that at all as far as I'm concerned (why do you think I blog :) ) I guess the tricky part is wanting a reaction, not getting it (or getting the "wrong" one), and allowing that to let you slip further back into the doldrums... PS Deb and I usually write stream-of-consciousness, both when we lead and when we respond, so I'm always interested in hearing/reading where other people's stream of conscious reactions to something we wrote takes them!

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  8. I try to live with no regrets because what was done is done. But I do look back at things I've told people and feel the same way I did upon their reaction. In high school, I tried to tell a few different people how I felt, how depressed I was. Their reactions DEVASTATED me. Brush-offs, indifference... beyond painful. I look back on it now and I've decided I don't "regret" telling them. The problem is that I told the WRONG people.

    There was a time when I wished I'd kept my mouth shut around the Whose Line guys because they didn't need to hear such deep emotion from a total stranger. But then I remember their reactions, their compassion, and I think that well, if I'd been that truly "offensive"(?)" (I can't think of a better word right now), they'd never have spoken to me again.

    There are secrets I wished I'd never told, but I did the best I could at a time where my mind wasn't the strongest, and I just have to believe that it wasn't ALL my fault.

    /rambling once again

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    1. Oh, Dawn, revealing secrets is never "your fault"!! It's a choice you make, I think, toward self-healing. If no healing occurs then we have to ask ourselves: wrong decision to talk, or wrong people to talk to? In my experience, the bad choices have turned out to be (so far!) not in what I have chosen to talk about or that I needed to talk at all (because, obviously, I NEEDED to talk!) but rather in who I chose to talk to (pretty finely-tuned coping mechanism now). I have such respect for the honesty you display here, and frankly how you reveal it: it is what it is, you stand by your truth. Such respect for that! It is so not easy to get there (personal experience here).

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    2. I spent too much time being silent, and it cost me DEARLY. I know I've disclosed some info that ensures I'll never be elected president (but who doesn't love a good scandal? LOL), but I gotta be me now. "Out and proud" of a sort.
      Barb, it never occurred to me that anyone would respect that. I've been thinking about that and I realize I don't fear much anymore. I guess fearlessness is something to be respected. I certainly respect anyone who overcomes it. I thank you for the compliment/emotion/thought. oxox

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  9. I don't think there is any "secret" I tell to even one person unless I am willing to have it be out there to the entire world. I don't trust ANYONE to keep their mouth shut, even if they have the best of intentions and I trust them. People are just too absent-minded to remember that certain details about the lives of others are not theirs to share. Or they think "That is nothing to be embarrassed about, anyway I'll just tell my husband." People love to be secret-tellers -- especially other people's secrets. I do trust that people have the best of intentions, but I don't trust too many people's ability to live up to their own ideals.

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    1. I think this is true, Kate, regards people not being able to keep other people's secrets. (Although I do nurse a kind of satisfied pride that I can - and do -- keep other people's secrets. Even from my husband!) I guess it also comes back to: do we even need to talk about it? I mean, this isn't about telling a secret just for the sake of it, of course, but because we might really need to in order to grow, etc. If you don't need to get something off your chest then it might be better just to let "sleeping dogs lie", right? ... in that safe place that is your own heart...

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  10. I will proudly say that, if someone tells me something in confidence, it will never get past me. I've found information I'll never disclose, nor even tell what I found. A friend has told me much and that will never come out. I feel too honored that the person trusted me with the info to ever want to compromise the friendship or connection.
    I was around when someone commented as an "aside," knowing full well I was within earshot. I could have gone a LONG way with that, but nope. I was trusted. No way will I ever take that for granted.

    Barb, when I say it wasn't all my "fault," I think of a specific time when I was talking to a co-worker. God knows WHY I thought of this, but I wound up describing a specific spot that would have me orgasm in a SECOND. I KNOW I was manic around that time. (Based on cycles, I can look back and say 'yup, that was, or 'nope,' that wasn't.) So I blame the mania for disclosing some things that were better left unsaid.

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    1. Dawn, yeah, okay, gotchya. Although "an orgasm in one second" could be deemed highly beneficial information!! And I totally feel the same way about other people's secrets. As Deb says: "I am a vault."

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  11. Very thought provoking subject to think about. It's funny I didn't think I really kept secrets about myself but the more I think about it the more I realize I do. I have many different reasons but I think probably the biggest reason is that I just don't trust people very easily. I'm always unsure of how a person is going to react to my family history or what has led me to being who I am until it's out there. I've seen all sorts of reactions, way too many negative, so I just don't put myself out there. It is hard to trust people with your heart.....

    It's odd though as people never seem to have a problem confiding in me. I'm told all sorts of confidences fairly often, even from people I don't know very well. It suprises me sometimes because I'm so quiet myself but maybe the two go hand in hand. People trust me not to divulge their secrets because I don't share my own.

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    1. And I do believe you still have to be careful with your precious heart, but "they" - those magic people can be and probably are out there somewhere, just waiting to be mined...And, yeah, I would guess your "quiet" probably does engender a lot of trust.

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  12. Dearest Barbara, Since I'm the friend who posted this question a few days ago on FB, I thought I'd respond here on your blog. My specific question was, "Have you ever spilled your guts to someone, revealed something you have never told anyone, and left with feeling much worse than keeping it to yourself? What did you learn?" I never dreamed that I'd have so many comments. As I recall, I think the majority consensus of the 50 or so comments were not happy that they had confided in the person, although some wrote about feeling relief that they had relieved the burden of carrying a secret. Here is my posted comment that I shared after giving it a lot of thought.


    "I love the liberating feeling of being vulnerable & honest, but I don't like the feeling of being betrayed, manipulated, used, or someone not really LISTENING, or they are quick to wrap up, and you are left with feeling that what you just deeply shared wasn't important. The Buddha used to speak of developing "Discriminating Wisdom" in making choices….being aware. Yesterday's lesson for me is about that! I was not left with a sense of a weight lifted, but one of regret. It is over now. It's my own responsibility. I am moving on. I learned more about trusting my instincts, and being aware of INTENT…..my intent as to why I was sharing, and their intent in asking." If you need to get something off of your chest, there are many choices…..

    I love Oprah's statement, "If it doesn't feel right, don't do it. That is the lesson. And that lesson alone will save you from a lot of grief."

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    1. Thanks, Cheryl, for weighing in here! And thanks for sharing this. Your question really triggered an avalanche of emotions; although your own experience is so sad and disappointing. xoxo

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  13. Thank you for the shout out, darling girls! As you know, we Shame Prom girls are believers that shedding a secret frees us. Owning your secrets means that no one else can ever hold it over your head. It's empowering.

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    1. You guys totally deserve a shout out, Hollye!! And, from the few (amazing) stories I've read, the book really does open that wide open!

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  14. I have given great, huge, sky length amounts of space to this thought/question/self inflicted torture too. and here's what I have learned--though I reserve the right to change or add to that as time goes on because that's how it goes.
    I have learned that regretting speaking about a deeply personal truth is a signal that I have not yet become comfortable with it, I haven't accepted it within myself. and that until I do, the first person I should be talking it over with is myself. I have learned that when I DO share something and regret it, that the best way to respond is to WITNESS MY OWN discomfort and explore that and fix myself, not them. I have learned that everybody is where they are when they are there, and that they can't be where you are and get your experience until they're ready to, and that does not have a THING to do with you. I have learned to take a PAUSE before I blurt something personal out, to ask myself "what happens next" and make sure that I can live with the answer. Having said all that, I am human, and sometimes I do none of the above and then I get caught in that loop in my head and I regret and regret and regret, until I have to figure out why, and then I learn more about myself, which makes it worthwhile after all. Love to you all......

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    1. Lori, I dearly hope everyone reads your comment here. It is absolutely brilliant and resonant for me! (although I get your proviso too). I do believe this is the "magic" key to this conundrum. love you!

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  15. I've blogged things I have regretted. Rarely, but it's happened. Not so much secrets, but vulnerability that many wouldn't admit to. And then I was embarrassed for sounding whiney. And it's live and learn. You can't suck the words back in.

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    1. Wow, so interesting. I guess when we blog, we kinda commit to that kind of openness and honesty, revealing secrets, etc. "You can't suck words in", yes. And while it may feel wonderful to release them, it does stay out in the world afterward. Thanks for weighing in, fullsoulahead!

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  16. I'm not big on the sharing. If someone tells me something, I'll keep their secret till my dying day, but I tend to keep my secrets as secret as possible. There are a few friends online that I trust with what's going on in my life and such, but almost no one in "real life" ever hears about all of it (aside from Mom and Dad, that is). Of course, it won't surprise y'all terribly, since I've mentioned on here before that I have massive people problems...

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  17. You have, April, but then I would also say you have a really good safe-house already. To have your mom and dad, to have some friends -- and I certainly count online friends, especially for stuff like this (I mean, it might be nice to develop friendships with people who will go out into the world with us from time to time, or whom we can hug, etc, but first things first, right? and matters of the heart, I think, come very first), is really really good. You have found haven for your problems and I think it comes down to that safe place for release, for support, for love.

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  18. I have had one of those moments and ,like Barb said, i wouldn't change it...
    The reason i wouldn't change it is the reason i wouldn't change anything i have done so far, it made me who i am today. Although i wish i could have done some things differently, i don't think i would in the end. Mostly because it's because of those mistakes that i am who i am today.

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    1. I love how you express this, Garrett. And I completely relate to it (as you probably well know!)

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