Friday, October 12, 2012

The Lies We Tell Ourselves

Deb: This blog today is not about Lance Armstrong, but rather it’s inspired by his story. Here is what I wonder when I find out that people like Lance Armstrong have cheated repeatedly through their lives or careers. I wonder, what do they tell themselves? What do they say to themselves when they lay their heads down at night? This concept fascinates me.

You are the seven-time winner of the Tour de France, or you are the five-time world champion figure skater, or you are the Olympic 100 meter track champion. And you are a cheater. A serial cheater. So when you are cradling your medal, cup or ribbon, and you are smiling that megawatt smile reserved for a champion, what are you feeling?

I have been thinking about this all morning and I think there are several possible explanations because—just like no two people being alike—no two cheaters are alike. When Tiger Woods made his speech after being caught cheating, he stated that he had previously felt he deserved his adulterous lifestyle. He said it had happened because he was buying into his own publicity. He said he thought he was more deserving of this free pass as he was special, he was a champion, one of a kind. He also said his particular cheating had nothing to do with his family or his love for his wife. All the while he was cheating, he was justifying it. He had to or else how could he do it?

I think that must be the only way that a cheater can continue to cheat and still be hugely happy with themselves and their lives. They tell themselves that they deserve to win, and they justify this by putting forth in their plan the concept of winning by any means possible.  A cheater has to do this, don’t you think? Otherwise, where is the joy of the win? Isn’t that what it’s all about? The fame, the pride and the joy? Some of you might be thinking that it is all about the fame. After all, people will do anything to be famous, right?  And I think you would be correct to a degree. I went through the same thought process myself. But then I thought of the cheater sitting in their den at night in front of a fireplace relaxing, with no media present and I surmised that it MUST be something else. I think that right after or even during your first experience with the cheat, you move into your own fantasy world where you are justified in your choices. Do they think they are heroes? You bet they do. They got there by any means necessary. They deserve it. They are already champions, they just needed a little help. There is nothing wrong with doping. Doping is simply an enhancement to your already God given talents. Doping is no different then taking vitamins or eating the right food. It is an aid. Sleeping around on your wife has nothing to do with her. You need this. You are owed this.

I thought of the times in my life when I have cheated.  I thought of the times I lied about taking the last cookie or wrote an essay that was almost word for word from National Geographic or took my cousin Patti’s 45 of Smith doing Baby, It’s You. The cookie caper was so easily justified. I was hungry and I didn’t confess to my crime as I knew I would get yelled at. The essay was a no-brainer. Didn’t love the academics and knew I just had to get through them. Was I going to be a historian? NO! And one of the top five justifications is the who am I hurting? mantra. When I took my cousin’s 45 I knew it was wrong and I hated myself. The fact that I still cringe lo these 43 years later at least speaks somewhat to my character or, at the very least, my conscience. But even after I was wracked with guilt, did I return it? No. Two reasons. I would be deemed a thief and it was my favourite song and she only kinda liked it. Yep. True story.

So what of these champion cheaters, these world-class role model cheaters? Do they think of their cheating every day with agony and toss and turn at night soaked in regret?
I don’t think so. I sincerely do not believe that there is any late night remorse, any wringing of hands, any muttering of dear lord what have I done?  Because human beings have a built in survival mechanism. We cannot possibly sit there hating ourselves if we are cheaters, because that would make us losers, not champions. Believing we are right is part of the prize. Only a loser would second-guess. A champion does what he or she needs to do and it is right, damn it. Because if you are a liar and a cheat, which let’s face it go hand in hand, you can lie and cheat your way though any interview or media event easily. It’s an extension of the game. It is the character you have created.

But when it’s just you and your mirror, you must justify. You need to believe you are right. You look in that mirror and you see role model, champion, purity, winner!  You don’t even have to convince yourself. You know it. You can see it. It’s staring back at you. I’m a winner!!!

At all cost.

Barbara: Wow, Deb, such an evocative post! I missed the Lance Armstrong news in the paper yesterday (I was gone all day and only had a chance to catch up on this at night. If you’re interested, here is the news piece, here is an op-ed.). I know, as you said, this isn’t about him per se, but still he’s a great reference, isn’t he? And your point about the mirror image spurring on the cheat and liar feels so so true.

I’ve always thought that this kind of sitch is exactly like our parables about the “deal with the devil”. Because, yeah, you get your promised something (success, fame, riches, ego-stroking), but sooner or later the truth will come out and the idealized mirror image will be smashed, and the devil will take you down to hell (all just imagery, people, I do NOT believe in the devil). And then what? Will it still be worth the “glory” of the cheat?


52 comments:

  1. I am saddened by Lance as I was one of the ones who believed he hadn't doped until very recently. I think it is the theory "everyone is doing it so I will too" and leveling the playing field (steroids etc). When I have cheated I felt justified because it happened to me. But two wrongs don't make it right. I had guilt especially because I am not a cheater. I learned a valuable lesson and I think everyone is vulnerable at times in their lives and will find reasons to cheat but hopefully, there is learning involved. To me it is the serial cheaters that do the most damage to themselves and others. Hubris is a big part and narcissism for those chronic cheaters in all areas (Bernie Madoff's and people like him).

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  2. Yes it's sad Madge. I was such a fan of his and this really shocked me. The truth is, as you say there are many more who have not been caught and who are right now looking at themselves in the mirror believing they are champions. From everything I've read, t sounds like Lance was leading his pack with his doping. His ex-wife was handing out stuff to the whole team. Sad. Bernie Madoff yes. Wow where do you begin with someone like him huh?

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  3. I think that cheaters are in the group of folks who just don't feel good about themselves. Despite all the glory and worship they receive at the end of the day when they are sitting in front of that fire, they don't like themselves. So they justifiy what they do because when people are singing their praises for that moment or moments they feel good, they feel worthy. But the high doesn't last so they have to do whatever it takes to get that feeling of worthiness back.

    It reminds me of the kid who terrorized my son (who has Aspbergers) all through high school to the point that Ricky was suffering from severe depression and even ended up in a hospital for a week. The school kept saying if we don't see it happening and if Ricky doesn't tell us (which he wasn't going to do) there's nothing we can do. This kid Travis was an only child and his parents thought he was the most perfect kid in the world. They lavished him with whatever he wanted whenever he wanted. He walked around that school just full of himself, added to the fact his father worked at the school. He and Ricky actually got into a physcial fight at one point off the school grounds. After Ricky graduated he ran into Travis which is inevitable because we live in small rural area. Travis apologized to Ricky and told him that he had hated himself for as long as he could remember. That he had spent his life trying to be this perfect person his parents thought he was. This kid was trying to put down others to make himself feel better. We also learned afterward that Ricky was not his only victim. And the parents to this day will tell you that Ricky has something wrong with him and their son was the victim.

    I guess what I'm saying is they don't feel good about themselves for whatever reasons but they have to keep up this image of being special. I'm not justifying it in any way just saying that maybe we as a society we add to this in some small way by "expecting" them to keep up the image. Maybe Lance and Tiger and Roger Clemens never felt worthy of the praises and yet had to find a way to keep them coming so that they could feel that high?

    I'm probably way off but just my two cents on the subject

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  4. Mary I think it's a very valid point of view. I am sure it is the case for some. Don't all these things come from some sort of insecurity? Thanks for adding to the conversation and giving us more to think about.

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  5. I thought I would share with you guys a quote I just read in the Toronto Star newspaper under "Thought du jour". I thought it was timely for today's post. "Conscience is thoroughly well-bred and soon leaves off talking to those who do not wish to hear it."-Samuel Butler (Victorian novelist (1835-1902)

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  6. I believe our western World has become a Place were only success counts, at any costs -if it´s a company that needs to raise up their value for their shareholders by transporting jobs to china, well knowing that this hurts the enviroment they used to start the buisness and the people they build their success with or like here in Germany politicans that cheated on their exams to have a Dr. added to their last name....most of them don´t care, coz it seems to me, they lack the abbility to differ between the real pride that comes from within, when you achieved a certain goal and the feeling that comes from outside, for example the admiring from other people, so that´s not pride, it´s something close to arrogance and pretension.....
    Our society don´t transport such values anymore, we argue about different religions, views of how the world was created or not, and we oversee by all this arguing that we´ve all lost the ability to really live up to the values preached and that are to find in any religion on the world and we don´t teach them anymore to our children...so how should they be able to differ if the most valuable thing today is your "15 minutes of fame" , no matter if that fame is for winning something, a talent or for killing several people at a school.....our society is somehow sickening.....

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    1. Certainly this aspect of it is sickening and frightening Lucius. You make some excellent points. You are so right about the real pride that comes from within. Many of us don't seem to care about that do we?

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    2. No, our World seems to become more and more a place were the image someone projects of himself is more important than the real beeing behind that image....
      And in the end, people start to believe that their own created image is the person their are.....it´s a bit like tellin an old story of a funny accident a hundret times, and over the years the story developed into something that doesn´t really happen the way you pimped the story to make it more funny - and in the end you also believe that it really happend that way you told that story over and over again.....maybe such behaviour is human behaviour only exponentiated by things like TV or the internet as a kind of catalyzer , were we can create images of ourself the way we would like to be seen by others with just a few clicks......

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    3. Sorry for my english, I´m no native speaker.....as one could realize by readin my BS....;-)

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    4. your English is fine lucius . you made some very good points too .

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  7. Where to start with this topic. My mind is buzzing with ideas. Lets see where I end up. I have two stories about feeling the guilt. One was when I was in school about 14 years old. We had had a school trip just few days before. The principal came to talk to all of those who were on that school trip, because someone had stolen something and begged for the item to be returned. I hadn't stolen the said item, but I had seen it. This was enough and I felt the unbelivable guilt about it. Although it was not my fault, I felt like it was. (On a side note the item was returned but the culprit was not found.) Then the other time this happened I was already adult. I was in the store with my friend and we were about to pay the groceries and I found money (a bill) on the floor. I didn't think much of it and picked it up for myself. Few seconds have passed and my friend notices that her money from her purse has gone. The note she was missing was the same as what I had found so I gave it to her an told that I found it laying on the floor. I felt like I was a thief.

    Now don't get me wrong. I am a master liar. I can lie without blinking an eye. If I need to. I rather not, and rarely do. But I only could do it for a while, I couldn't keep it on like Armstrong and/or others. My own guilt trip would be too much in the end.

    (Oh, btw I will be doing a quick trip to Manitoba next month ;) )

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    1. Great story Kasku. My favourite part though that made me laugh was "now don't get me wrong, I am a master liar!" ME TOO! I don't do major lies if I can help it but it sure gets you through the white ones! Manitoba! wonderful! what for if I may ask?

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    2. Yes you may ask. :) I am going to attend UArctic Student Forum and have a focus on communication and mobility options for students in the Arctic.

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    3. Exciting, Kasku! Let us know if your travels take you through Toronto!

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  8. Deb this is such an evocative Post! I missed that news too. I agree with what Mary said cheaters are in the group of folks who just don't feel good about themselves. It has a lot to do with psychological aspects. Well lets face it...any one who sleeps around on his wife is just thinking with his "other brain" at the moment. I think they do it because they think their rich and famous so they can. But yeah it can also be because of insecurity, ya know fame and money isnt everything. And Trust I guess. Not trusting the folks around... I think it all comes down to feeling bad about themselves.

    Ya know, I also would like to know how they feel when they are alone. How does this whole cheating fits in then. From what I think it must be a lotta emotional turmoil and alcohol. I think Charlie Harper from two and a half men would be a perfect example here!!!

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    1. Yes Shalaka, I would really like to get into the mind of a serial cheater and see if it ever ever rears it's guilt head.

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  9. Yep, totally agree, Deb. It is completely justified in their minds and they deserve it. They are very self-righteous. I have personally witnessed such a liar throw her own children to the wolves in order to get what she believed was rightfully hers. This is what we call tragedy!

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  10. Oh dear Eileen, yes tragedy. Her own kids. That is a mindset I cannot fathom.

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  11. Wow I LOVE this post! I was thinking about something similar earlier this morning. I was reading something ELSE about Jerry Sandusky (if you aren't familiar with this twisted web, I advise you to approach it with caution). And that's exactly what it is; cheating! I never really thought of it that way before, but cheating, lying, and hurting others; in a way they're not autonomous.

    And it bothers me...sometimes more than it should. Eventually if you do something that you know is wrong more and more and more, the guilt just goes away. And in this culture it seems everyone is so sensitized by doing the wrong thing; people just look the other way. It just makes me wonder what has happened in the last 20, 30 or 40 years?

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    1. Ooh, forgot to add something. Cannot tell a lie to save my life. A few weeks ago, my Saturday maternity nursing group did not have our assigned clinical rotation for the week because our instructor fell sick. My class teacher emailed me and another student asking for our paperwork. I was under the impression that she was informed of us not being there, but that wasn't the case. So I started typing up some made-up gobble dee goop. After typing 2 sentences I felt a knot in my stomach that grew and grew. I was like, this isn't right. So I emailed my teacher and told her the truth. And just like that....gone. Why carry all that around? I don't get it.

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  12. Good points Kelly. I don't know what has happened to us in this regard. Yes people always lied and cheated but now it isn't just the villains, it's the heroes. The perceived heroes at any rate.

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  13. At least in my case, having a sibling, somewhat close in age to myself, kind of teaches you to lie at least a little growing up. Like how siblings are always blaming each other for what ever mom is currently investigationg. : ) I can think of a few times where my brother took the wrath for something I did. And a few times I was forced to return the favor : )
    That being said if it is a big lie I just can't sleep at night. My conscience gets the best of me especially as I get older.
    Now that I am at college and living away from home with just a bunch of other college girls I have had to lie to my mom about my behavior. For a while it was the lie of ommission. She wasn't asking so I wasn't telling sort of thing. But just last week my Mom straight up asked me if I was drinking at all at college. I was able to say no and change the subject and I think I got away with it. But I felt so bad I had to directly lie to my moms question. I am not going overboard at school, just experimenting, and I know I will probably confess to my mom the day I turn 21 if not sooner : ) But lying and cheating is wrong and I always pay the price by feeling guilty for days afterwards. I just have to guage if those feeling are worth the gain. Usually its not.

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    1. Kelly please let yourself off the hook for the drinking lie. No mother in her right mind doesn't suspect that her child away at school is drinking. What you just said is mature and fair to say to your Mom. Mom I am experimenting but I am also being very careful. She will respect you for not lying and trust that you are speaking the truth. Myself-lied like a rug!

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    2. Nothing like advice from a mother to ease my mind. : ) Which makes me then think of Lance's mom or family and how Lance's and Tiger's families were impacted.

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  14. Lying and cheating gets you absolutely NOWHERE in life. Period. End of story. It hurts you, it hurts others, it's messy, it can get out of hand VERY quickly, there is absolutely no benefit from it, it screws with your conscience, it destroys relationships, reputations, friendships, feelings, TRUST.

    I pride myself on straight-up honesty for the above reasons. I've seen what lying and cheating does to people: it's so destructive.

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    1. P.S. I have lied before. I still catch myself doing it. But it's a choice, really.

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    2. I LOVE that so many of you have a part one and part two comment today. The truth, the real truth is that nobody does not lie sometimes. Or very few. Mother Teresa comes to mind...maybe.

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  15. Alright.. I couldnt think straight earlier. I was tooo engrossed in playing Fable III. Anyway, I think its also about trying to make things happen ya know. Trying to PROVE something...to SOMEONE ELSE and sometimes to themselves. Trying to show that they have the power. Coz most of the time they dont even feel guilty about what they did. So Yeah...its all about proving that they are great and they can do what they want. Which mostly doesnt work out coz the more famous they are the more scandalous it gets. And in the end its bites them in the ass.
    I believe every thing around you is your reflection. So the way the scandal works out is what ACTUALLY they feel about themselves but are too "immersed in ego/power/fame.etc" to admit it. So it doesnt have to be them and their mirror alone. The world is a giant mirror for them, for all of us. Everything that is within them eating them alive is projected around them. They way we feel about ourselves will always be the way the world will feel about us. Some dont know it and the ones that do would never ever do something like that again.

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  16. Great points Shalaka. All roads seem to be leading to insecurity, don't they? Wanting to prove something to yourself and the world. How VERY ironic.

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  17. I know this may seem a little silly but I'm now thinking of The Lorax. A small thing which meant no harm, none at all, turned into the biggest disaster to fall. Sheesh mention Dr. Seuss and I go all rhymey, anyway my point is that I'm guessing these things often start out small, honestly meaning no harm, and then seem to grow almost independently until it's too late to stop. Like in the lorax when everything is biggering and biggering until the last tree falls and suddenly the Once-ler realizes what he's done.

    I can't believe I just analyzed a children’s book in relation to cheating.....

    I’m not making an excuse for those who lie and cheat, I still think it’s abhorrent, I’m just saying that I doubt many of the people who lie and cheat quite meant for it to end up where it led them by the time it’s found out. Then again my husband always says I’m too convinced that there is good in everyone and need to realize that some people really do just suck.

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    1. But I see your point Erin, I do. I don't think anyone sets out to be evil or to cheat or to lie. They start to justify it from day one.

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  18. one thing to remember too is that when Lance Armstrong won something like the Tour De France he was not the only one to make money from his victory . i bet he had sponsors coming out of his ears and all of them trying to make money off his victories . the pressure to succeed must have been huge . it would not encourage gentlemanly behaviour in competition . this does not in any way excuse doping . it is such a stupid thing to do .

    the pressure tio suceed is the same in sport in general now a days . don;t get me started on football players diving to win penalties . i am fed up with cheating in the sport i love too.

    in general though sometimes lies have to be told . a good example from my life happened 6 years ago . I had a boyfriend and I found out he was with someone else as well as me and he was about to marry her . naturally i told him where he could put himself however the guy was not prepared to focus on his fiancée and kept phoning me . in the end mom lied for me a few times and told him i was out . eventually he got the hint and stopped calling . sadly that was the only way to get him to take the hint i was finished with him . normally i hate lying and try my best never to do it . certainly i will never lie about anything major . you only get caught out in the end .

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    1. I think your little lies were timely and well placed Linda. And it made me think of the fact that we often forget that sometimes lies are told to prevent hurting someone too. Those are good lies.

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  19. Ohh...BTW Deb I emailed you about LOA again. Check it out when you can :) xo

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  20. Happy Fail Day (or day for failure) everyone! :))

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    1. What is Happy Fail Day Kasku?

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    2. The fail day went global this year. Yesterday was dedicated to failing. In other words it is okey to fail. :) Kind of trying to take the pressure away from failing and making it allowed for one day.

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    3. Oh, I love that, Kasku! That's a new one. Maybe we need to blog about this next year...

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    4. That sounds like a wonderful idea. I will try to remind you of it, if I remember. :)

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    5. That sounds like a wonderful idea. I will try to remind you of it, if I remember. :)

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  21. I'm familiar with the Lance Armstrong thing (we do have our own cheater in Germany...Jan Ullrich: I think he still says he wasn't doped, although it has been proved)....anyway...

    I don't get it. I can understand that you want to be the best. I can undertand that you want to win everything, gain power, and money, and reputation.

    But I don't understand, why you don't care about lying, cheating, hurting other people...and worst of all, don't give a damn about yourself.

    Maybe it's some sort of vicious circle, and once you're in it, you can't get out.

    I guess we humans tend to be evil. Some crave for success more than others, but we all lie and cheat somehow. We all betray friends and family, and ourselves...

    I know that I lied to people I love. I know that I hide things. Sometimes I even cheated. But I didn't want to be a badass. I didn't want to feel brave or better than others. I lied, because I was scared. Scared of standing up and facing the truth. I guess that's the hard part. To make yourself small and little, and admit that you've done something wrong. To admit to yourself that you are not strong enough, that you're not perfect, that you're not better than others, that you're weak.

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  22. Becki you are right. Cheating isn't really owned by one country is it? We all have cheaters in our midst. Facing the truth is a good point Becki. We have expectations that must be fulfilled and when we don't, we are weak, so they must be met at any cost.

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  23. "Who am I hurting?" I think that's the biggest justification. "If no one finds out, I'm not hurting anyone." I don't think they believe they're only hurting themselves. I think they believe they're hurting NO ONE. As long as it gets them what they want, no "hurting" is taking place. They're actually HELPING themselves, and really, isn't that what matters in the end?

    I believe a lot of it starts in the minor leagues or in college athletics, because you want to be SO GOOD, good ENOUGH, because really, how many years do you really have in the "big leagues?" Maybe they look at those who cheat and make it big and say, "Geez, I've worked my entire life to get to this point, in this kind of shape, playing at this level, and I'm losing to THAT guy? NO FRIGGING WAY." Then they start cheating. The thought behind that is, "Why not? He's doing it and he's this big famous guy, so it must be okay."

    The inevitable humiliation that comes from, say, steroid usage is the reduction of the muscles and effects of the 'roids, both personal and professional. Steroid usage was suspected in the ~1980's, but it was all hush hush, only suspected, with no proof. When it became a federal issue, Hulk Hogan said the WWF didn't give him any steroids, but that its use was rampant. Big names in wrestling literally and figuratively disappeared, and it's believed that Hulk talking about the usage is why he ultimately left the WWF/E. He wound up being the fall guy for an entire sports organization. SOMEONE had to suffer.

    I lie badly and I blush too easily, so I lie rarely. I cheat at card games. (Has anyone EVER played an honest game of solitaire and won more than once? lol)

    I think people lie and/or cheat because it benefits them. It's a me thing, an "I" thing. I will benefit from this. I will win because of this. I DESERVE this.

    However, if it wasn't gained, won, or otherwise earned, you really DIDN'T deserve it, did you?

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    1. Thank you much for this Dawn I have been carrying so much guilt over the whole Solataire thing. : D

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    2. LMAO That was perfect timing. I needed that laugh.

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    3. Hilarious! Sometimes my solitare says "do you want a random shuffle or a winning hand?" and I always think why would I want a winning hand? What's the fun in that? And then seconds later I am pressing the "hint" button for all I'm worth. Good points all Dawn, thanks.

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  24. So many amazing, insightful comments on this post!

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  25. Thought you gals might enjoy this read..... https://apps.facebook.com/theguardian/sport/2012/sep/24/tyler-hamilton-tour-de-france

    xoxox
    Sean'a

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