Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Yoga Mat

This ad has been making the rounds ... and it's so funny, we had to share. We blatantly pulled it from this blog: MindBodyGreen. But then again, they pulled this genuine ad from Craigslist, so we figure it's fair game (the Craigslist ad no longer exists, btw, so we can't link you to the real deal anymore). We bow, however, before the clever (frustrated) yogi who was trying to sell his now redundant mat!

Yoga mat for sale. Used once. - $1 (Bellevue)


Yoga mat for sale. Used once at lunch hour class in December 2009. Usage timeline as follows:

11:45a
Register for hot yoga class. Infinite wisdom tells me to commit to 5 class package and purchase a yoga mat. I pay $89.74. Money well spent, I smugly confirm to myself.

11:55a
Open door to yoga room. A gush of hot dry air rushes through and past me. It smells of breath, sweat and hot. Take spot on floor in back of room next to cute blonde. We will date.

11:57a
I feel the need to be as near to naked as possible. This is a problem because of the hot blonde to my left and our pending courtship. She will not be pleased to learn that I need to lose 30 pounds before I propose to her.

11:58a
The shirt and sweats have to come off. I throw caution to the wind and decide to rely on my wit and conditioning to overcome any weight issues my fiancée may take issue with. This will take a lot of wit and conditioning.

11:59a
Begin small talk with my bride to be. She pretends to ignore me but I know how she can be. I allow her to concentrate and stare straight ahead and continue to pretend that I don't exist. As we finish sharing our special moment, I am suddenly aware of a sweat moustache that has formed below my nose. This must be from the all the whispering between us.

12:00p
Instructor enters the room and ascends her special podium at the front of the room. She is a slight, agitated Chinese woman. She introduces me to the class and everyone turns around to greet me just as I decide to aggressively adjust my penis and testes packed in my Under Armor. My bride is notably unfazed.

12:02p
Since I do have experience with Hot Yoga (4 sessions just 5 short years ago) I fully consider that I may be so outstanding and skilled that my instructor may call me out and ask me to guide the class. My wife will look on with a sparkle in her eye. We will make love after class.

12:10p
It is now up to 95 degrees in the room. We have been practicing deep breathing exercises for the last 8 minutes. This would not be a problem if we were all breathing actual, you know, oxygen. Instead, we are breathing each other's body odor, expelled carbon dioxide and other unmentionables. (Don't worry, I'll mention them later.)

12:26p
It is now 100 degrees and I take notice of the humidity, which is hovering at about 90%. I feel the familiar adorning stare of my bride and decide to look back at her. She appears to be nauseated. I then realize that I forgot to brush my teeth prior to attending this class. We bond.

12:33p
It is now 110 degrees and 95% humidity. I am now balancing on one leg with the other leg crossed over the other. My arms are intertwined and I am squatting. The last time I was in this position was 44 years ago in the womb, but I'm in this for the long haul. My wife looks slightly weathered dripping sweat and her eyeliner is streaming down her face. Well, "for better or worse" is what we committed to so we press on.

12:40p
The overweight Hispanic man two spots over has sweat running down his legs. At least I think its sweat. He is holding every position and has not had a sip of water since we walked in. He is making me look bad and I hate him.

12:44p
I consider that if anyone in this room farted that we would all certainly perish.

12:52p
It is now 140 degrees and 100% humidity. I am covered from head to toe in sweat. There is not a square millimeter on my body that is not slippery and sweaty. I am so slimy that I feel like a sea lion or a maybe sea eel. Not even a bear trap could hold me. The sweat is stinging my eyeballs and I can no longer see.

12:55p
This room stinks of asparagus, cloves, tuna and tacos. There is no food in the room. I realize that this is an amalgamation of the body odors of 30 people in a 140 degree room for the last 55 minutes. Seriously, enough with the asparagus, ok?

1:01p
140 degrees and 130% humidity. Look, bitch, I need my space here so don't get all pissy with me if I accidentally sprayed you with sweat as I flipped over. Seriously, is that where this relationship is going? Get over yourself. We need counseling and she needs to be medicated. Stat!

1:09p
150 degrees and cloudy. And hot. I can no longer move my limbs on my own. I have given up on attempting any of the commands this Chinese chick is yelling out at us. I will lay sedentary until the aid unit arrives. I will buy this building and then have it destroyed.
I lose consciousness.

1:15p
I have a headache and my wife is being a selfish bitch. I can't really breathe. All I can think about is holding a cup worth of hot sand in my mouth. I cannot remember what an ice cube is and cannot remember what snow looks like. I consider that my only escape might be a crab walk across 15 bodies and then out of the room. I am paralyzed, and may never walk again so the whole crab walk thing is pretty much out.

1:17p
I cannot move at all and cannot reach my water. Is breathing voluntary or involuntary? If it's voluntary, I am screwed. I stopped participating in the class 20 minutes ago. Hey, lady! I paid for this frickin class, ok?! You work for me! Stop yelling at everyone and just tell us a story or something. It's like juice and cracker time, ok?

1:20p
It is now 165 degrees and moisture is dripping from the ceiling. The towel that I am laying on is no longer providing any wicking or drying properties. It is actually placing additional sweat on me as I touch it. My towel reeks. I cannot identify the smell but no way can it be from me. Did someone spray some stank on my towel or something?

1:30p
Torture session is over. I wish hateful things upon the instructor. She graciously allows us to stay and 'cool down' in the room. It is 175 degrees. Who cools down in 175 degrees? A Komodo Dragon? My wife has left the room. Probably to throw up.

1:34p
My opportunity to escape has arrived. I roll over to my stomach and press up to my knees. It is warmer as I rise up from ground level - probably by 15 degrees. So let's conservatively say it's 190. I muster my final energy and slowly rise. One foot in front of the other. One foot in front of the other. Towards the door. Towards the door.

1:37p
The temperature in the lobby is 72 degrees. Both nipples stiffen to diamond strength and my penis begins to retract into my abdomen from the 100 degree temp swing. I can once again breathe though so I am pleased. I spot my future ex wife in the lobby. We had such a good thing going but I know that no measure of counseling will be able to unravel the day's turmoil and mental scaring.

1:47p
Arrive at Emerald City Smoothie and proceed to order a 32 oz beverage. 402 calories, 0 fat and 14 grams of protein -- effectively negating any caloric burn or benefit from the last 90 minutes. I finish it in 3 minutes and spend the next 2 hours writing this memoir.

3:47p
Create Craigslist ad while burning final 2 grams of protein from Smoothie and before the "shakes" consume my body.

4:29p
Note to self - check car for missing wet yoga towel in am. 

59 comments:

  1. LOLOLOLOLOL Literally laughed out loud! Big, loud, belly laugh!!!

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  2. BTW, I already have a yoga mat. But, I totally would spend the $1 just to meet the guy who wrote this.

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  3. Okay, not understanding what's going on with the comment time-stamp -- the settings here are still all in EST... Arghhh, Blogger!!! (any suggestions)

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    1. Yeah...I didnt understand yesterday when I saw Deb's reply....I was like why is Deb replying at 6.00 in the morning ???...And how is it ^.00 in Toronto when its supposed to be around 9.00 ?!?!??!

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  4. 8.17p
    LMAO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Really I AM LMAO here !!!
    And also very glad that I decided to eat before reading your post :P

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    1. I know, Shalaka, I wish I knew who the guy is who wrote it so we could credit him. Genius!!

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    2. I know its so amazing.......especially the whole relationship thing....

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    3. I wish I knew who the guy is so I could take him out for a smoothie. :)

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    4. Hey Rigel thanks for all your compliments on my paintings...I replied to that comment..but I guess you didnt check it...Just wanted to say thanks ...it meant a LOT!! Much Love xo !!

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  5. BTW, since Deb is all about the good news, here are 2 pieces of good news:

    1. Apparently, God has decided that I really need some of my tummy knots untied. The sister of someone I work with (who is also the sister of another woman whom I tutored at the college before I got laid off) called and hired me to tutor her little girl starting this afternoon. The money from this tutoring gig will help compensate for some of the lost income from the temporary reduction in hours at work. *deep, grounding breath*

    2. I heard the sweetest story this morning. We've had VERY windy weather yesterday, last night, and today as a cold front moves in. The kind of windy weather that comes with advisories and a semi truck getting blown over on the highway and extra colors on the NWS map. Last night at a local Sonic, a young woman who has only been at her carhop job for a week had a $50 bill ripped from her hand by the wind. It blew away and was lost in the darkness. The other employees helped her search. She was in tears, completely wrecked. The other 5 employees on shift last night who saw what happened each pitched in $10 to cover the new girl so she wouldn't take the hit. So kind!!!




    Stop SOPA! Stop PIPA! Go dark on 1/18! Call your Senators and Representatives! #J18 #stopsopa #Sopablackout

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    1. Love that story of the girl at sonic!
      also didn't mean to offend yesterday, I was calling my self redneck not you : )
      and yes we have had meals cut short due to guns LOL
      I think we would fit in just fine together LOL

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    2. Kelly, just an fyi, as a Canadian unaccustomed to gun-toting of any kind, I still would not call a person who does carry a redneck. No, that requires racism, sexism, ignorance and hate. No offense taken!!

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    3. Yeah, Kelly, I would NOT classify you as redneck. If you want a crash course in, "What is a redneck?", come stay with me for a couple of days. I'll show you around the county and introduce you a several hundred living specimens. :P

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    4. aww thanks for the love guys...
      but I gotta say for living in Trenton ( city-like, not New York but still city) we are very out of place. That is why I usually use redneck to describe my life : )
      You know Jeff Foxworthy's You Might Be A Redneck If..... jokes, well we can usually apply a lot of those to us : )

      also check this out
      http://kellyfromnj.blogspot.com/
      me and my brother made these for my dad this x mas
      : )

      all things considered( I listen to only country music, i dont think i can even name any songs most teenagers know, and like how the first week of deer season is pretty much a holiday at my house, and we have deer heads on the walls...we even decorated the antlers for x mas!..., and we have riding lawnmower we dont need, but my brother likes to try and make it go faster LOL.. it even has a golf ball on the end of the shifter because it broke and that was my brother's way to fix it cheap and quick : ) )
      yeah... so saying we need to be in the country somewhere is an understatement LOL

      but I Love it!

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    5. Does your brother dip/chew?

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    6. he is only 15 so no..mom would kill him if he was doing that now
      but he has beef jerkey in a circle tin that he like to chew and eat .. he thinks it looks kool because it leave the circle imprint in his jeans pocket

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    7. just realized I spelled cool as kool......showing my age a little there LOL

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  6. This is awesome and wonderful news!!! Thanks for sharing both.

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  7. Loved the story. I still wouldn't buy the mat.

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  8. Rigel what great news for you and the girl! Loved both stories. Weird about the timeline thing huh? Grrrrrr.Arggghhhh. Me too Madge, loved the story, wouldn't buy the mat. Glad all you guys had some laughs out of it!

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  9. Rigel..Loved your news!!!Its so great....I wanted to reply like an hour ago...but my internet connection was on a rollercoaster !!!

    And speaking of GOOD NEWS....
    1. I was recently awarded second place for MY LATEST DIGITAL PAINTING....WHOOOOW !!(which some of you checked out)in a competition!!! It happened a couple of weeks ago but it wasnt declared officially...And i completely forgot about it then...I read good news and remembered it so thought I should share it with you guys.....!!!

    2. And....My Practical exams end tomorrow :P !!!!!! (yeah this one isnt that great...but after I dont have to sit in front of a computer for 4 hours working to complete the test :D so yay !!!)

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    1. Shalaka!! So GREAT!!! Congrats on all. And it is a wonderful relief that deserves celebration to be done with the testing. WOOT!!

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    2. Yup...and your reply came exactly at 11.11am...!! I love it when that happens :D..I remember telling you I might get it.....And well I did !!
      In fact My group actually won the competition....Me getting second place was like a push for the group :D...WOOOOOHHHHOO !!!

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    3. I do remember you telling me! But it's always great when the final word makes it official. WOO-HOO!

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    4. I know...plus now I have two certificates for them :D....!!!!

      And got the pix.....THEY ARE ALL ADORABLE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I wont tell you which one Il paint now ;)....so You guys would be surprised when I show them to you :D

      can't wait :D

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    5. SHALAKA this is wonderful news. Sooooooo happy for you! We always love good news. Thanks for sharing with us! All of us!

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  10. SHALAKA!!! CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!! That is sooooooooooooo cool about your painting placing!!!! OMIGOSH!!!!! *runs across the internet to tacklehug you* WOW!!! CONGRATULATIONS!!! See? How cool is it that official judging type folks see your talent?!?!? You're legit! lol

    SO FABULOUS!!!

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    1. Awhhh.....Thanks Rigel...:D I am sending you a BIG hug :D
      Few of my paintings came in our college magazine too....!!..And I had already won one competition.....And this time completing the painting within 32 hours is a bigger achievement for me than the second place really :D !!!!
      I am so flattered....that so many of you bloggies checked out my work.....Gosh you gals are amazing !!!! LOVE YOU ALL!!!!xo

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  11. ROFL!!!!!!!!!!! Trying to read this and talk on the phone with my best friend is NOT a good idea! XD

    Congrats on all the achievements!!! I need to go wring out all my wet nursing clothes now...

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    1. multi task is always challenging but FUN when we pull it off. Kelly you are on it!!!!

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  12. I'm so glad you guys posted this. Goddamn, did I need that laugh. Let's just leave it at that. Been a stressful 24 hours, but nothing a few donuts won't be able to assist with. :)

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    1. As Homer Simpson would say Dooooonuuuuuutttttts! Glad you laughed Dawn!

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  13. So very funny. Had me laughing out loud a few times. I'm with the rest of you, I wouldn't buy the mat either.

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    1. Yes Molly. no buy. But lots of laughs. Worth the price right? xo

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  14. As a yogi, I have seen this before, and ABSOLUTELY LOVE it. so fantastic.

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    1. Lori. Yogi. I would love to hear more.

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  15. thank you for posting this . i had a shocking day today and needed a laugh .

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    1. thanks for asking deb . here is the story:

      my mom got a fall yesterday as she was out shopping (that in itself it not too shocking as mom does fall now and again ) as a result she was complaining of pain in her shoulder and a lady who helped mom up told her she heard her head hit the pavement. she sat in the local church and ad and i went to pick her up from there . we then took mom to hospital where the doctor treating her an a and e suspects she has a fractured clavicle. all in all despite the fracture she was very lucky . all she had was muscular aches and pains a hemotoma just above the elbow and a small cut on her elbow joint.

      that not the worst of it . as her clavicle was not showing up properly on an x ray due to the fact the bone is weak they put her to a scan . the a and e consultant who read the results of the scan suspects mom might have a medical condition called myeloma . this is basically where the bone marrow in a certain part(s) of the body is not doing it's job properly and is producing rogue cells instead of the good things bone marrow normally produces . (sorry this is the non medical explanation !) he called it multiple myeloma that means it is happening in the bone marrow in more then one part of moms body . the only way you can be diagnosed is to have a blood test . this is what mom is having today in hospital . i asked the a and e consultant to write down the name of the condition so i could remember it . when i got home from the hospital last night i looked it up . i would the information on a reliable cancer related web site , i nearly hit the ceiling as mom has been through breast cancer in 2001 . thankfully though the condition does not seem to be life threatening as long as it doesn't advance and it is kept under observation by means of blood tests . it would explain a lot of the aches and pains mom has been having and we thought were arthritis as joint ache is one of the symptoms . it is considered to me more common in people of colour and in men so i am wondering how my mom got it :-)

      we took mom to the hospital where she was treated for her cancer to have her shoulder looked at yesterday . the person that will be treating her if she has myeloma will be the same oncologist that sees her every 6 months as it is . at least mom will be going to a consultant she knows and likes .

      at the moment i am tense as feck making sure mom gets everything she needs from home , wondering about whether mom will be diagnosed or not with myeloma , trying to look after dad and sort out the house as moms home help is in today as well . i am slightly stressed ! fair dues to my dad though he has been a great help . what hasn't helped is a did'nt sleep to well last night and i am known for being a total grump without sleep .
      thanks for letting me vent . i have to say i needed that !

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    2. Oh, Linda, that is sooo scary. I'm so sorry about your mom. I'm glad the bad news also brings the good news of its relative easy care. Please know that I'm thinking of you and your mom and sending lots of love!!

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    3. linda what a trial for your poor Mom and for you. It sounds like she will be receiving some good familiar care. She certainly is getting that from you, good daughter. She is in our thoughts. xo

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  16. Aw, I'm sorry to hear that some of you had crappy days today, but always glad to be reminded that laughter is a good chaser :)

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    1. Rigel I am not able to post onto your reply so I am saying here that you are a good women. A good person.

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  17. I just tutored that little girl for the first time. *sigh* Bless her dear little heart. The only thing No Child Left Behind does is leave children behind. :(

    Came back here to reread this and be reminded to laugh a little. Just cramming in some brain fluff, relaxing online time before beginning the blackout.

    Good grief, I'm gonna be adding to my phone bill tomorrow calling Little Rock and DC. *adjusts Thursday's grocery list accordingly*




    Stop SOPA! Stop PIPA! Go dark! Be counted! Speak out!
    SOPA Blackout countdown:
    http://cyberwarnews.net/blackout/
    @WinterLightHome Blog dark. Twitter silent. But, voice speaking out to my Senators and Representatives. #SOPAblackout! #J18 @YourAnonNews

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    1. You keep posting this last bit, but I've never seen it explained. ???

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    2. *blinks* Ummm, OK. It's been all over the news, all over the geek blogosphere, and all over Twitter. Good heavens, my son and I even heard it on NPR news driving home from his school this afternoon. So, I guess it's hit mainstream press, now. Do you still follow my Twitter feed? I'm fixing to tweet and retweet some things exactly for you, Dawn. OK?

      http://youranonnews.tumblr.com/post/15783460213/stop-sopa-the-essentials-summary-and-bill-text

      Also, on Twitter, read through posts under #sopablackout #sopa and #pipa #stopsopa #killpipa and #J18 .

      This thing I'm talking about and participating in is the same thing that has reddit, Minecraft, English language Wikipedia, boingboing, etc. going dark tomorrow. And, it's why Twitter's going to be so quiet tomorrow. As Jane Q. Public, I am participating politically by a) taking my blog dark 12a-12pEST Jan. 18 as part of the blackout, b) not tweeting 8a-8pEST as part of the blackout, c) calling my Senators and Representatives tomorrow, d) supporting companies that oppose SOPA and PIPA, e) not supporting companies that support SOPA and PIPA.

      It's a political protest trying to get 2 very, VERY bad bills killed in the US Congress. The bills are NOT what they are touted to be by the people wanting them to pass. The bills will place the US in the same internet bucket as places like Syria, China, and Iran.

      They are bills full of censorship and denying people the right of due process.

      These bills were written under the influence of Hollywood lobbyist for the 1% and put forward by non-techy people in Congress who did not understand the true ramifications.

      As the word has gotten out, educated analysis has been disseminated, and the protest has mounted, some of the originating Senators and Representatives have actually done a 180 and withdrawn their support of the bills.

      The White House has publicly stated opposition to the bills.

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    3. Also:

      http://sopastrike.com/

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    4. It didn't make it everywhere, surprisingly enough. Thanks for providing the link.

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    5. Okay hopefully you, Rigel and Dawn worked this out. It is late and i am tired and...well. I hope you guys understand each other. If not, I will review in the morning.

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    6. Actually, I typed wrong. Blog dark 12a - 12a EST. midnight to midnight

      Some blackout blogs are doing times matching to the Twitter. But, I'm going ahead and dropping mine the full 24.

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  18. For those of you taking peeks at my blog, look now, or wait till Thursday.

    Freedom Kitty #J18
    http://winterlighthomestead-cat-a-day.blogspot.com/2012/01/day-7-freedom-kitty-j18.html

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  19. Holly and I have been having the same blogger problems. It keeps stamping our time 3 hours behind...smh.

    Don't care right now. Been awake since 4:45. Going to BED

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  20. Oh my gosh...so glad I just now got to reading this. I'm in quite the laughing mood (I, just a few minutes ago, came across a long-running joke between a dear friend and myself and have been laughing tears for the past 10 minutes!), so this just made me laugh even more! I like laughing! :D

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  21. winterlighthomestead I am on it...tomorrow. zzzzzz
    Kelly maybe you are meant to go back in time???? LOL Sleep well.
    Holly. Laughing tears. Sweet. Laughing tears. One of life's greatest things.

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  22. Deb - DOH! Sorry. Winterlighthomestead is me. Was signed into my blog on my account, and it carried over here.

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  23. My son made a brilliant exclamation of frustration tonight:

    "I was reminding myself of that, but when I went outside, I forgot to remind myself to remember!!!"

    *giggle*

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  24. Eddie. so funny. Tell him I always forget to remind myself to remember. Happens to the best of us.

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  25. I’m so lucky today that I was able to read your post which gives me a lot of ideas that I’ve been looking for. With this, I can use it to my site…I hope to read more of your future post. Thanks a lot.

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