Rewind ... Snap!

Deb: Remember in Annie Hall when Woody Allen was trying to win an argument with a pretentious knob in the movie lineup? In order to put a stop to the inane back and forthing and secure himself as the winner, Woody casually goes behind a cardboard movie marquee and guides Marshall McLuhan toward his opponent, whereupon Mr. McLuhan puts said knob in his place.

How many times have we wished for that moment in life? How many times have we fantasized that we could call upon irrefutable proof when we are defending ourselves?

Art by Deb's finger

Last week we endured a huge kafuffle when someone in our lives angrily insisted that I had failed to impart to them some extremely important information, thus causing them undue stress, anger, and fear. They were very upset and proceeded to tear a strip off of me and three other innocent parties. The people he was dressing down had no idea to what he was referring as they had done nothing wrong. They were confident that I had done my part as promised and yet they were being lectured by this irate person.

The thing is, I had done my part. I had delivered in detail every piece of essential information needed, leaving no stone unturned. But my angry friend would hear none of it and insisted that the conversation had never taken place. I was miffed and frustrated. It had taken place. This I knew. But how to prove it?

Grasping at straws, I glanced around to see if Marshall McLuhan was maybe waiting for his cue in our powder room or crouched beside our piano, but he wasn’t.

So what does one do when these unfair moments occur?

I will admit that many times a day I may not be able to remember why I came upstairs, or what your name is, but when it comes to important conversations, I have a mind like a steel trap. As I was being dressed down by this irate person, all I could see in my mind’s eye was the replay of the exact conversation that had taken place between us. The problem was, only I could see it.

In the end, I was saved by my husband who piped up that he had been there for the conversation, and that I had indeed imparted every single morsel of information. Bless his beak!

But what about the other times when you do not have a trusty witness to jump to your defense? What then?????????

My husband, as I have reported before, often laments the “heinous lie” that was the jet-pack. He was positive that by now he would certainly have his own jet-pack charging in the garage. He does not give a damn that they have not cured the common cold. In fact he would be perfectly happy if they would give up trying for a cure and put all their brainpower behind his beloved, unrealized jet-pack.

Me? I want an earring. Just something simple, maybe a tiny gold stud ... but with the ability to instantly playback moments in my life in a full HD 3-D projection that also includes any person I am trying to prove my point to.

A sample usage might go this way:

Doctor’s secretary: ”Ms. McGrath, I am going to have to charge you for your missed appointment last week.”

Me: “But I called more than 48 hours before and cancelled my time.”

D.S.: “Sorry, Ms. McGrath, but I have nothing on the record to indicate that.”

Me: ”Well, I called and I spoke to a ‘Diane’ who took the message.”

D.S.: “Well Ms. McGrath, there is nothing in the record, so...”

Slowly and without emotion, my hand reaches up towards my gold stud and I tap it, ever so slightly. Before you can say Princess Leia, out streams a tiny projection flowing freely between us, showing clearly and with stereophonic sound, me making the call a full two days before the appointment. The projection ends with “Diane” hanging up the phone, spilling coffee on her desk, cleaning it up, and resuming her duties, the conversation with me, gone from her mind.

I tap the stud. Projection ended. I look the receptionist in the eye, my face neutral, my demeanor calm.

SNAP! BAM! GOTCHA! EAT THIS! SUCK IT!

Oh what joy that would bring. Oh the satisfaction of it. I would have to go home and nap after such a triumph!

Okay, yes, I have allowed myself a generous helping of petty today.

But oh ... oh ... ohhhhhhhh, wouldn’t it be swell? Oh the places I could go. Oh the conversations I could recreate! Oh the points I could make, the proof I could offer.

Now I should say at this point that I am not an obsessively “right” person. By that I mean I do not always have to be right. Far from it. I am the first to admit wrongdoing or mistakes and I always apologize immediately and profusely.

But when I am right, when I have done my due diligence, when I have covered my bases to the nth degree and it is denied me in a loud angry tone?...

Where is Marshall McLuhan when you need him?

Barbara: Oh, Deb, this made me laugh so much!! And I know the actual situation you speak of because I was there when it was going down. This is so much more frustrating than the simple “two different versions of a story” because there were real repercussions here. I always like to imagine what would be the most beneficial response to any complicated human shenanigan, but, damn, if I can’t think of anything else for this sitch. I think you handled it perfectly by simply stating your case, presenting your defense, and finally letting it go. That said, I LOVE your earring idea. That is by far a more elegant “final word” than anything I could’ve come up with!