Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Annette!

Deb: When I was living in L.A. twenty years ago, I wrote some spec scripts. For those of you who might not know, a spec script is a script you write for an existing, current show to try and secure a writing job or agent. One of my scripts was for Seinfeld. My Seinfeld episode had Jerry falling in love, a true love, which he had never done on the show. She was a gal in the tourism industry and she was funny. Very funny. A natural wit. Jerry was smitten by her beauty, wit, and charm, and especially by the fact that she was not in the entertainment field and had no interest in it at all. In the end, despite his love for her, his male comic’s ego could no longer stand the fact that everyone, including him, thought that his girlfriend Annette was funnier than him. He ended it, broken-hearted, but secure in the knowledge that he would return to his rightful place in the group as “the funniest”.

This character was based on my dear friend Annette with whom Barb and I had a three-way last year. Okay, just read that sentence and thought, “Wow, if anyone is reading our blog for the first time, they are GOING TO BE BACK BABY!”

Digression aside, I must tell you that Annette is quite simply the wittiest woman I know, and trust me, I know plenty of witty gals. She is a brilliant writer and the stuff she posts on Facebook is simply hilarious. Sometimes I only have time to “like” and sometimes I leave a comment.  This fall and Christmas season I was not on FB as regularly, so the other day I sat with a cup of tea and opened her FB page and read for hours. What a delightful time it was.

Barbara: As Annette’s brilliance is what we want to feature today, I’ll just pop my head in here and add, Yeah, the woman’s a genius. So funny you wish she had, like, a TV show or a regular column in the paper or a webisode series or … I don’t know … maybe her own BLOG!!! And she is so sweet, she’ll probably be all shades of red just reading this. Annette, come out, come out, wherever you are!

Deb: The following is a very small example from FB of the one, the only, The Wit: Annette.

*Ran my first 5K this morning... Just kidding.... I'm on my second muffin...

*Why does using a straw make it so much harder to accept there's no more soda?

*I'm sorry, previews, but raving "Best Movie of the Year" means nothing to me on January 20th.

*Have finally come up with suitable epitaph for me for when the sad day comes... "She died doing what she loved... judging strangers on the internet."

*Ever notice how you never meet anyone who's quietly on a juice diet? And while we are sorta on the subject, horses are vegans too but you don't hear them neighing on and on about it...

*Jury duty... The sobering reminder that one day your life could be in the hands of a guy wearing Velcro shoes.

*Given what a perennial distraction it proves, I'd delete my Facebook account, but there's some shaky marriages I'm keeping an eye on.

*So you're feeling a tad scared and anxious because it's Friday the 13th? Well here’s my sympathetic take on that… If there's only one day a year when you wake up irrationally afraid, you're doing okay, my friend!

*I'm currently standing in the 10 items or less line, holding 14 items, freaking the h*ll out.

*If I learned I only had a week to live and could go anywhere in the world, I think I'd go to the hospital... because that sounds pretty serious!

*The only thing that would make my morning more productive is actually doing something! It's not looking hopeful mind you but it's good to have a plan...

*Looks like I’m going to have to abandon my New Year's Resolution to only say nice things about people... Just isn't working as in my case it was the equivalent of a vow of silence.

*Snowflakes as far as the eye can see... all identical!

*The Slippery Slope of New Years Resolutions: January 1st: Resolve to go to the gym every day. January 2nd: Feel guilty for not going. January 3rd: Pie for breakfast!

*My new years resolution for 2012? I will be less laz

*I've never had personalized license plates... but don't worry, I still know how to waste most of my discretionary income! IAMGR8 has nothing on me!

*Some think the economy is slowly recovering. Others think it's on the verge of collapse. I think about shoes mostly...

*I just want people to accept me for who I pretend to be!

*Just caught the news that Anthony Weiner is now a dad. Wife, Huma Abedin, gave birth to a baby boy, Jordan Zane Weiner. Naturally, The New York Post welcomed Jordan Zane into the world in it's inimitable way with a front page headline reading, "A Little Weiner", "Baby boy for Huma and louse." Hope mom's not a scrapbooker!

*It's intriguing to see how much worse celebrities looked "before they were famous" until that painful moment that you realize that's how you look now!

*Almost a full year away and all the stores have their Christmas stuff up already. Just staggering...

*What an incredible Christmas Eve...We had so much fun pretending that the scratching sound from our attic was reindeer and stuff...

*"I am Santa Claus." "No you're not." "Yes I am." "OK." - Miracle on 34th Street in tweet form. And that's all she wrote folks... It's into the car we go... Happy Holidays!

*The best 5 seconds of my life are when I wake up and have no idea I'm a human or have responsibilities.

*It's cute when they put expiration dates on snacks like I won't eat them as soon as I get to my car.

*Out of all of Santa's reindeer, the one that sounds most like a street name for crystal meth is all of them.

*And I? Well I took the road less traveled by, and now my GPS won't stop recalculating...

*The best thing about telepathy is... I know, right?

*I'd put money on it that now that it's been a few years, she's "The Girl Who Really Regrets Getting That Dragon Tattoo."

*How annoying is it when you're about to take a great photo and somebody calls your camera.

*During this season of giving... remember every day is a gift... though many are filled with non-returnable things you didn't ask for and don't want!
*A little primer that may serve you at this party-centric time of the year... Stages of inebriation: Sociable, fun, hilarious, inappropriate, bitter, sad, need new pants, need new friends!

*If the old adage about "opposites attract" is true, I probably should have looked for someone who gets up early and does stuff...

*Thought process of the guy who invented eggnog: "Man, I could really go for a tall, cold, glass of eggs right now."

*"How about a month of non-stop obligations, budget-busting overspending, less-than-desirable travel conditions, very short, dark days and bitter weather?" - The pitch for the month of December.

*Great job keeping crap out of my eye... eyelash that's currently in said eye.

*Would it not make more sense to dump Gatorade on the losing head coach?

*...It’s Chinese New Year and I’m still writing Rabbit on all my checks... Don’t you hate that? 

64 comments:

  1. Love your script that wrote Deb. And annette sounds like a great writer.

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  2. She IS a great writer. Would love to hear more from her!

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  3. funny Funny Deb....lot of her sayings hit home LOL Peggy

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  4. i literally have tears in my eyes from laughing so hard.

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  5. Isn't she funny Peggy? Anon I had the same tears in my eyes when I was compiling this. And you should see the other stuff. I had to pick and choose.

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  6. OH MY GOD...I am, as rarely happens, beyond speechless with this lovely tribute! I can't imagine what would have inspired it...my FB postings are just the stuff of days and if I am completely honest, I don't pen them all. Sometimes I just adapt something I've read or seen elsewhere to reflect my day's going's on in an effort to get a cheap laugh...I'm all about the cheap laugh! (Cheap anything actually...I'm also a pro-bargain hunter!) I had all but forgotten that I almost became the stuff of popular culture legend via Deb's script. I have hated Hollywood with a passion ever since that sad occasion wherein they failed to see Deb's genius...Who needs 'em I ask...somewhat disingeniously as I see more movies than most of planet's occupants. Anyway, my dear friends Deb and Barb, what a lovely surprise this post was and how I shall treasure the sentiment and the graciousness that lay behind it...I shall also share with your devoted readers why you had to pick and choose as if you give me a forum...I do like to wax on...

    Much to my distress, my HE front-loader washer is leaking. After two unsuccessful service calls, specifically requested service man that impressed the heck out of me when he resolved some original installation hurdles for the set that involved reworking all the exhaust ducts. However, I was not surprised by look of wariness in his eyes when I opened the door yesterday as the original encounter was so memorable. A man of small of stature, such that I had to resist picking him up and carrying him to the laundry room on my hip, he had found himself perched on my Rubbermaid two step stool trying to source the problem in the basement ceiling when the then day-old dryer kept shutting off as it couldn't vent properly. Meanwhile I, during this initial meeting, was spewing on about my concerns about more expense on top of the mega-$'s for the dryer even though I could tell he found my animation a bit intimidating. Kindly though, as clearly I unsettled him, he tried to verbally reassure me the issues could be resolved while still attending to his task. I nattered on as he reached above his head so his boyish fingers could pry away the duct tape holding the joints of the dryer exhaust pipe together. Remaining mindful of my distress, he kept up his patient patter while keeping caring eyes fixed on my troubled face. Which is how it came to pass that when the duct tape gave up its sticky grasp, the female pipe-end dramatically detached from the male (and if honest who among won’t admit to having the same desire from time to time) and the forceful nature of the uncoupling caught the little man by complete surprise. He had instinctively looked up at the curious sound of a gentle “fffttt” and having otherwise been occupied with me, was caught totally unaware as the now gaping hole released a ton of dryer lint directly onto his startled face and his head, neck and shoulders. Our mutual failure to anticipate the ejaculatory nature of the lint explosion saw us both horrified and while his fuzz-covered lashes blinked repeatedly trying to clear his sight-lines, I made a bad situation worse by further invading his personal space and rushing to beat him wildly about the head and neck…the better to dislodge the errant fuzz. Which brings us back to yesterday….While I couldn’t help but notice he kept his repair tools between us like a shield so as force me to acknowledge his boundaries, in what has to be a tribute to his professionalism, he instantly identified the problem that two others assured me didn’t exist and only cried a little when he told me he had to come back again next week with a part!

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    1. We will stay tuned with bated breath for next week's instalment of repair guy. And Annette, even if you didn't pen all of the quotes, you did do more than the lion's share. And it takes a wit to know a wit. So there

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    2. You have to tell us here, too - pretty please?

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  7. My mom, sister and I love Seinfeld. My mom is more of a fan than we are though...I'll have to mention the script to her sometimes!!

    Those quotes gave me a great laugh! :D I love it when you have people in your life who can bring such joy to your life. :]

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  8. i forget where i saw this one but it is as follows : who was the first human to milk a cow and what was he trying to do at the time .

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    1. teach me for typing while my dad is talking to me and my concentration is elsewhere . i forgot to add those quotes are so funny . i loved the story about the dryer repair man too Annette

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    2. I love that one Linda. So true!

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    3. HA! Wow, I never thought about that one, but now my mind is racing... So many possibilites on this one...

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  9. I guffawed (unattractively) at at least, well, several of Annette's updates that I either hadn't seen, or have forgotten thanks to the convenience of early-onset senility. She's damn funny.

    On a related note, I don't appreciate the attention being off of me.

    <3

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    1. Gae I am going to see a movie but I promise as soon as I get back-It's all about YOU BABY!

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  10. Your script sounds terrific Deb and thanks for the morning laugh. She is a very funny lady indeed!

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  11. Mary-Jo you would be so charmed if you met her. She has been making me laugh for many years! Now there's a friend!

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  12. Oh SO hilarious - made my day! Can I borrow a couple of her lines??????

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    1. Borrow away Lana...What kind of hypocrite would I be if hoarded cheap laughs...They're cheap...I'll get more! :)

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    2. yes I agree Annette! Share the laughs!

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  13. i am just running out to visit mom now . i will leave you with a couple more my cousin sent me when i first went on the internet in 98 .

    why is it that a boxing ring is square?

    why is it called a guinea pig when it doesn't come from Guinea nor is it a pig !

    did you know there is neither pine or apple in the pineapple

    why is it that when we wind up a watch it goes but when i wind up this message it ends ?

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  14. Linda these are fantastic. Thanks for posting. Food for thought too.

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  15. Annette is beyond brilliant. I didn't want the quotes to end!

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    1. They won't if you friend her on Facebook!

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  16. Wonder how many people are going to scan your friends on FB Deb...looking for Annette!!! Certainly not me!!! ...(I'll get my daughter to do it for me...) : )
    Love this blog! Brilliant as always!
    Melody

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  18. I'll have to come back and read the script later. But I do love Seinfeld!! ^_^

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  19. Holly if only I could find it...sniff.

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    1. Awww, damn. Hmmm... Maybe it's hiding somewhere just waiting to send you a check for thirty-two dollars. ;)

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  20. Hilarious! Love the one about not openning the mouth because nothing nice would come out.

    You know, I have always been considered shy, but like I tell people, I was taught that if you couldn't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all! I still live by that rule, which is why people think I'm shy. Ask anyone that is shy if they do this too. If they don't answer you, well... ;)

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    1. Steph I agree with that rule...unless it's funny.

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  21. Okay, I have a few borrowed ones:

    1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
    2. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
    3. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
    4. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
    5. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
    6. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
    The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
    7. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
    8. If quitters never win,and winners never quit, what idiot came up with "Quit while your ahead"?
    9. If all the world's a stage, where is the audience sitting?
    10. At a movie theater which arm rest is yours?
    11. Why do we sing "Rock a bye baby" to lull a baby to sleep when the song is about putting your baby in a tree and letting the wind crash the cradle on the ground?
    12. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

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    1. Wonderful Steph! It's a wit parade. love it!

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    2. very funny steph . number 2 certainly applies to me :-)

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    3. Number nine was my personal fave.

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    4. Well, I am a Shakespeare fan, so when I saw number 9 I kind of had to include it. Really, though, they make you think.

      Linda, I know, I think that one applies to me too!

      Number 11 is something that I often pondered about too. and 12. Who thought that stuff up? And as far as we have come as a people, why one earth don't we have round boxes for round pizzas? I mean, whoever desighned them must have failed geometry.

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    5. I have always wondered about that "Rockabye Baby" thing. The lyrics really are creepy, aren't they?

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    6. I know, right?! They are creepy. And people wonder why kids have nightmares...

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  22. Oh my gosh those quotes were SO FUNNY!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks for the laugh! :D

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    1. I know huh? Just pure smart and funny. glad you liked them Holly!

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  23. I'm snorting at 3am. I'd hoped my dad would be the only one in the house to ever do that.


    *How annoying is it when you're about to take a great photo and somebody calls your camera."

    Total mind-freak!

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  24. Dawn I'm so glad it supplied you with a good laugh. Especially at three am. My three am tonight has been a migraine and I am still up with it at 5:54. Thank you Facebook. I needed a pal tonight.

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    1. Wish I'd known. We could have played Wizard of Oz or something. :)
      I hope you're feeling much better now.

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  25. i found this post card i got years ago on stuck my dressing table mirror . it is called Murphy's law (in case anyone doesn't know Murphy's law states that in any given situation things that can go wrong will , to which i have added and usually does !)here are some examples :

    Celibacy is not hereditary

    beauty is skin keep ugliness goes right to the bone

    if everything seems to be going well you don;t know what the hell is going on

    never argue with a fool . people might not know the difference

    friends come and go but enemies are collected

    the other queue always moves faster

    anything you try to fix will always take longer and cost more then you expected .

    the chance of a slice of bread falling butter side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet

    never sleep with anyone crazier then yourself .

    the repairman will have never seen a model quite like yours before .

    a short cut is the longest distance between 2 points .

    anything good in life is either illegal , immoral or fattening

    the light at the end of the tunnel can sometimes be the headlamp of an oncoming train

    life's golden rule , if you have the gold you make the rules .

    no matter how long you shop for an item as soon as you buy it you will see it on sale somewhere else cheaper

    in order to get a bank loan you must first proove you don;t need it .

    here are a couple form my own experience

    the quality of your mobile phone signal is directly connected with the importance of the call you are trying to make

    the workman will always charge more then his estimate .

    the more important the e-mail i am trying to type the worse my spelling gets

    if you don't put the rubbish bin out the night before collection day the bin men will come so early you will not be awake to get the bin out in time , where as if you put the bin out the night before they show up to empty it in the middle of the afternoon !

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    1. These are great! And I love the one about the queue. So true. I actually stake out the best one and if I'm with someone, one of us will stand in one and the other in another, until one of us is ready to checkout or whatever. Crazy. The email thing, too. I so know how that feels. I always end up mispelling simple words too.

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    2. glad to see it is not just mom and i who do that !

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    3. Absolutely LOVE these! So made me laugh.

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  26. I can see why you would write a character based on Annette. And your script for Seinfeld sounds like the perfect place for that character.

    Annette's FB statuses are hilarious! To be that funny so consistently can't be easy. You're right. Annette's wit and humor is at the top of the charts.

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  27. Is is wrong that I want to copy and paste those on my facebook?

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  28. Linda these are so great! Mobile phone thing? I'm going to watch for that from now on! Lisa yeah Jerry would have soooooo loved her! And then, dumped her.

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  29. Why do hot dog rolls come in packages of 6 or 12, but hot dogs themselves come in packages of 10?

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    1. Because "the man" wants us to eat bread! Or..some other reason.

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    2. Oh to solve this mystery and be rolling in dough.

      Hey, it's a kink of mine.

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  30. this is the poem my cousin sent me from where i got my guinea pig , pineapple , boxing ring and wind up quotes form .

    Odd English

    Let's face it--English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant or ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple...

    English muffins were not invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

    We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

    And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? One index, two indices? Is cheese the plural of choose?

    If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

    In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital? Ship by truck, and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

    How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

    When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out, and an alarm clock goes off by going on.

    When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it?

    Now I know why I flunked my English. it's not my fault but the silly language doesn't quite know whether it's coming or going.

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    1. This just reminds me how difficult it is for immigrants to learn English!

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    2. Oooh, another great set of quotes. so much to steal, so little time.

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