Monday, March 26, 2012

Working Easy

Barbara: You know that Deb and I have often attributed the success of our relationships to the fact that we don’t take anything for granted and that, despite our loving bonds, we recognize that we have to work hard to keep those relationships growing and stimulated and close.

But what if you also have to remember to “work easy”??? I ask the question, but I know for a fact that we both do that too. Working easy is about letting a beloved’s intertwined life flow around yours and them letting your life flow around theirs. Working easy is about setting aside your expectations of a beloved’s actions and just letting them be. Working easy is not about solving problems, but about listening to them. It adds the “un” to “conditional”. It reminds you that life doesn’t always have to be tackled at a breakneck, list-checking pace (which you know from our recent posts we sometimes forget). It allows everyone involved a time-out to breathe and re-group.

We were so lazy, we forgot to take pics, so here's one I love from last year.
My younger daughter (who’s been away for university) came home for the weekend. It’s been bliss! And we didn’t race around and try to do a million things since this is her one precious weekend home, desperately hoping to make up for all the things she might have missed here (although there was a very little bit of that … because we had to). No, we talked for hours in our pajamas, sipping our favourite tea from favourite mugs. We slept in. We read. We watched movies at home. We had a couple of nice meals out to lessen the mundane load of grocery shopping and cleaning up after. We relaxed… We “worked easy” at reminding ourselves and each other that this is a sweet road to familial love and affection.

Two of my favourite topics that we wrote about are when we shared our marriage stories with you (Deb And Barbara Have A 4-Way) and parenting our now-grown children (What Kind Of Mother Am I?!). I think both of these life-stories succeed thanks as much to easy work as hard. We can get so wrapped up in all the things we HAVE to do for our families (chauffeuring, cooking, cleaning, organizing, orchestrating) and even for ourselves (appointments, schedules, deadlines, dream-weaving, chasing, challenging) that we forget that so much of the best contact and experience comes through easiness. Through letting down our strict agendas that will surely take us toward success and worthiness and personal glory, and sitting back instead and allowing things to come to us in their own lazy, loving ways, no expectations, no rules, no panic of failure.

I know this has been a theme in many of my posts lately. Blame it on a common theme in my life right now. And credit it to the fact that I am trying to listen to my life lessons. And blame it on the fact that, as our daily readers, you have to go on our journeys of self-discovery with us (whether you like to or not!). And credit it to the fact that both Deb and I love to share this stuff with you.

I know that I will still and always have to work hard at lots if not most things in my life. But I want to remember this mantra of “working easy”. I want to pull it out whenever I get overwhelmed or confused. I want to bring it to my creative work—where working easy will always give me my best and truest work. I want to see where working easy—being easy—will take me.

Deb: Working easy! Another phrase I am adding to the arsenal of living. It’s a wonderful concept and easy to adopt. In the world of symmetry (Quantum Physics, anyone?) we had almost a mirror weekend in our home a few weeks ago. The boy, like Barb’s girl, just felt the need for home, to reconnect, to just be in the bosom of family. Colin was away for part of it, but we structured the time so that the boy would have time with both of us. And that is all we structured. We worked it easy and I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW IT! We did as Barb said: relaxed, watched shows together, played on the floor with the dogs and laughed. We ate in however, but we ordered so that it would be relaxing. The yin yang of family worked its magic and it reminded us all why we are the easiest of friends, we three. 

48 comments:

  1. Barb, you have a beautiful daughter!!! :)

    Yesterday Kelly and I had a concert that we were a part of and our wonderful parents drove up FOUR HOURS and surprised us!!! It's random, but I love my parents and I wanted everyone to know that.

    I absolutely just love being at home and relaxing with my family; basically what I did all spring break and it was great! :)

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    1. Of course barb's daughter is pretty. Look at her mother :D

      Your parents are awesome! I think that it's not important that they give you a lotid presents, or spent huge amounts of money on you... I like it best, when my parents are with me.

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    2. Thanks, guys. My daughter, like you both, really does appreciate relaxing with the family. As her parents, we often have to remind ourselves that that's all that matters -- because we are so hardwired to DO!! Hence my "work easy" mantra (although I will also try and apply it to other aspects of my life as well)

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  2. Lovely weekend you both had, Barb and Deb! I get what you're saying about working easy. I have that with my mother and did have it with my grandmother. We have those times where we just play board games or watch movies or just talk about nothing and anything. Those moments are great.
    The pic is lovely!

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    1. Those moments ARE great! The best. Without them, life would be all a snowball of running and panting and exhaustion and stress :)

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  3. Lovely post Barb, I felt relaxed just reading it. What a beautiful daughter!! I love it when family just does it's own thing and you just go with the flow. The time for working easy is now, schedules, when the kids were younger are gone now and they are on their own schedules. Now we can reap the benefit of all of those years and work easy, just be and let them be..... a really lovely time and it sounds like you and your daughter, Deb , and her family are truly embracing it.....Enjoy......xo

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    1. Thanks, Mary-Jo! I do find myself assuring new parents a lot that it changes dramatically when the kids are grown and you've "done your job" and don't have to feel like you're remiss in your parenting anymore if you sit back and just enjoy. It's a shift that requires some major re-wiring!

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  4. That is something I've been trying to get Odin to truly understand. Yes, having a schedule is important (in this case Mom working is important), but Odin trumps work - hands down. He gets upset if I vary my schedule (especially since I had pneumonia), but I would rather time off work in order to support him. I'm taking time off work in order to be there for Odin as he performs today in a music festival. I'm looking forward to that.

    There is comfort to be had when you go home to mom and dad, and just 'be' with them.

    Barb, I'm glad that you and your daughter had such a lovely time together this weekend "working easy". This post was a great way to start my week.

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    1. Given all your givens, Jo, I love hearing about how you find the way to easiness. I think it's about -- like you say here -- rolling with punches and relaxing into priorities (as opposed to "tackling" them!). Odin is so lucky.

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    2. Odin's in a school band of 12 players, and they did well. The adjudicator said that because it's such a small band, all sections had to be strong, and they were. It was great! :)

      So, to celebrate, Odin and I grabbed some food (which unfortunately didn't agree with him) on the way home, discussed which Muppets we'd cast in which part for the movie In Time, and watched The Muppets. It was fun. :)

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    3. Which Muppets you'd cast in the movie In Time!! LOVE this!! Thanks for the cozy images.

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    4. Will Salas - Kermit
      Sylvia Weis - Miss Piggy
      Will's best friend, Borel - Fozzie
      Sylvia's Dad - Uncle Deadly
      Timekeeper Louis - Sam the Eagle

      Then, I had to turn left, and we got distracted by something else. :)

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  5. It is really hard for me to see (or maybe better yet understand) how some are so close to their parents. It is unbeliveble. When I was in school I used to say that seeing my mother once a year is too often. So untill last september we only spoke once a year on my birthday. Since september we have had to talk a bit more, since my granny died, but here goes for hoping that the status quo will return.

    I am daddy's little girl and we do talk maybe five times per year over the phone and see probably two or three times a year. I saw him a bit more often when I travelled to see my other granny (when I was studying) and my dad gave me lift from the bus station to her home and back to the bus station. That also ended when she died.

    So from my perspective the not talking/seeing is the norm and I do like it, but it still is heart warming to see that my case is not the norm. Still there is a little scientist in me who says, "that's not so... Lets test it!" I feel like I have found a neutron that is not behaveing like it should.

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    1. Your secret scientist made me laugh, Kasku!! And, you know what, I'm sure there are plenty of people with your experience of "normal". It probably comes down to personality types: who fits together, what you all need/want in your relationships. As it happens, in our families (Deb and mine), this is how we ALL like it. Mostly, I think the message of "working easy" is part of both approaches. You would probably have to "work hard" to get a closer relationship with your parents. Which may or may not be what you want to do ;)

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    2. Funny thing is that my relationship with my both granny's was much closer. I made sure that I visited them as often as I could. I was the baker girl for one (just because no one else did it) and the cleaner for the other (this one I shared with my youngest aunt). I really got sick and tired with other relatives thanking me for taking care of them. Best comment was that after taking care of my granny from dad's side; an aunt from mother's side said that now is your time to take care of our (mother's side) granny. I tried to make the relationship work with my mother (really wierd to write that, as I always call her by first name) by taking care of her education and needs (aka giving her money) but it ended up that she only contacted me when she needed something (hence I don't like to hear from her).

      Yaiks, I am ranting again so I better stop. Scientist in me says to stop interfering with the experiment :))

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    3. No, that's a good and important rant. It totally makes sense that you would feel this way about your mother. Like I said, it all sounds like hard work. I love your descriptions of your relationships with your grannies! Although too bad those also caused familial strains. Lesson there: do what you need to do for your beloveds, not what others tell you to! xo

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  6. Awwwh Barb...What a lovely post !! And the picture is beautiful btw....
    It really is true.....and its so good to have relationships that are easy......you know the ones where you know the other person so well that it works itself out....you dont have to do anything !!!
    Ive got some very precious relationships like these....one of My best friends and I joined different colleges...so we couldnt meet up for like a year.....talked on the phone...but that was hard for sure...and somehow we both decided to meet up in Feb...and we both were worried because things changed a lot in 2011 and we thought it might be different....But it was unbeleievable !!!!! Its was not just the same it was BETTER than what we had before....and what did we did had junk food like we had never seen food in our lives and talked like we were never gonna meet again....and it was WHAT WE ALWAYS DID back in our junior college !!!
    And I have a similar relationship with my mom. As you know we live together...and even though we love to fight.....She is my best friend ever.....we talk, gossip, watch movies, crack really really bad jokes and laugh at them most importantly !!! yet...when I am out with friends or family on a trip for a few days....every day I MISS HER !!! I give her a call and go "Mom....ITS HARD" and cry...!!.......Yes I DO....and I'm 20....And anyone who is judging right now.....SUE ME...I'm Proud of It!!...and trust me she cant stay without me either...according to my sources B)..whenever I am out on a trip she is up all night thinking if I'm sleeping well or I'm uncomfortable ??...and when I get home and she gives me a big hug.....and I go "did you miss me ???"...and her eyes well up...and I GET MY ANSWER !!!!

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    1. Talk about "AWWWW" -- so sweet, Shalaka. I know you two are very close. Probably everything between you two works easy! So happy to hear it and read about it.

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    2. And...I honestly think unconditional Love is the best gift you could give to anyone.....and when you love someone unconditionally the relationship works itself out....you dont have to do anything !!!! I know that for sure...because it happened with us...:D!!! xoxo

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    3. Well said, Shalaka! It's the conditions that make love hard work...

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    4. PS.....the necklace and the earrings in the pic.....BEAUTIFUL !!!
      ..and just read your reply....talk about timing XD......I just KNOW when you are here :D LOVE IT !!!!!!!!!!! and my earlier message was send out at 07.07 am :D.............LOVE THIS SO MUCH !

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  7. This is such a sweet, fun post. I haven't lived near my parents since leaving home for college many years ago. We get to see each other once or twice a year. But when we do, we do all that you said. We stay up until midnight, just talking about everything. We (Mom and I) watch Doris Day movies and we watch my kids playing around the house. We go shopping together, but it is a leisurly shopping. Just walking around, chatting. I miss it so much. Mom and I awlays talk about wishing we could be closer to one another so we could get together for weekend lunches.

    I don't know what life will bring for my own kids. Some might live near me, some might go far away. As long as they are following their dreams, I don't care where they go. However, part of me hopes they will always be close enough to get together for a weekend lunch.

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    1. Molly, it's still a question for me how our family will come together in years future. Right now, the older daughter is about to graduate university, so who knows where she'll be living next year and how often she'll be able to come home (for easiness). And when the younger graduates in 3 years, same question. Right now I know she can (and should) come home with some regularity. Yay!

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  8. Ah, nice post!
    I always try to work hard on relationships...I always think I have to do so many things. I always think it's not enough. I want to give so much...sometimes it's more a giving up myself to make the other person happy.

    Thanks for reminding me that it's sometimes better to just enjoy and relax.

    I see my parents every day, but we hardly ever sit down and enjoy each others company. Maybe because we're used to it, we forget how important it is.

    When I last met my friends (sadly, meeting friends doesn't happen very often), I didn't care that it was late. I didn't care that they had nothing prepared. I was happy to sit there. Be near them. Talk to them. Listen to them. Feeling their presence. I didn't need more.

    And when I met my friend (the geocaching one), it was the same. Although we did do something, I didn't expect anything. There was no need to "impress" her. I could be myself. I could laugh, and talk, and hug...

    It's so simple! Maybe it's a bit like that focus thing. Don't let your mind wander. Don't think too much. Just focus on your beloved ones.

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    1. I love your description of being with your friends, Becki, so natural. And then relating it to the focus thing-- brilliant! So true.

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  9. Love this post. I can truly say that every time that I come home to my grandmother it's just the best. Barb and Deb, just like you all said we work easy. We usually sit down and relax and watch home movies of my grandfather and talk about the amazing times we had with him and also funny times we had with him. Then we usually eat dinner and if it's a nice day out side we take chairs underneath this big huge tree that my grandparetns built A long time ago when they first built their house and we just sit and talk more. I feel like when I am away sometimes,there are just sometimes when I need to come home and be with my family.
    See, I think that is the way of life sometimes. You don't always have to go shopping or go here or there or do this or that to show someone that you love them, to me the simple things that you do like sitting at home watching a movie,or just talking to each other while having coffee is the best way to show someone that you care.
    Thanks Barb and Deb for show us all that . Great post ladies.

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    1. "See, I think that is the way of life sometimes. You don't always have to go shopping or go here or there or do this or that to show someone that you love them, to me the simple things that you do like sitting at home watching a movie,or just talking to each other while having coffee is the best way to show someone that you care.
      Thanks Barb and Deb for show us all that . Great post ladies."

      AMEN TO THAT LYNDSIE !

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    2. Yes, Lyndsie, I agree with Shalaka! Well said. And you've always seemed to really embrace this idea of being easy with your beloveds. Great example!

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  10. WOW. I have always lived near my sister and parents and we were always trying to find the balance. It was a tug and pull type of relationship with all. But now as I age it is easier for all of us (my dad and I always had a better relationship than my Mom and I). When he died I was sad but was glad for him that he didn't have to suffer with a life where he was disabled. So not him. My Mom is totally disabled at 85 and still testy, mean but with a few moments of pure love towards me. When my sons moved away after being away for college I really relished their ability to be away as I never had the strength to leave what was familiar. Now that my older son is back and living on my street (his own street from childhood and beyond) I see it can work. I love that my grand kids who have so much in their little lives come to Grammie's to relax and just "chill" as call it. They climb into my bed no matter what time of day or night and watch their favorite shows or they come over with friends and all sit on the couch and watch their shows all the while drinking chocolate milk and eating treats. I don't remember doing that much at all with my grandparents. I assume when they get older and I do too it will all change and they will hang out more with their own friends but they will always know they can come and "relax" at my house. Lovely post Barb and your daughter and you make a beautiful mother/daughter team. I missed that from my Mom.

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    1. Thanks, Madge. I can just imagine how lovely it must be to be cozy with your grandkids. Nothing says "work it easy" better than that!

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  11. Sigh it all leads back, this is a great post and I love that turn of phrase to "work easy". Great you both have the relationship carrying over from childhood to adulthood with your kids, hope it always remains so. I think I have much the same with my own, despite our busy schedules we remain comfortable to just work easy and do nothing together well.

    What the sigh is about and what I mean by it all leads back is the fracturing relationship I seem to have with my own mother lately. It has been constantly on my mind and everything reminds me off it. We've admitedly never been close but in recent months we're pulling further and further apart. Conversation between us has now become awkward as hell. Neither of us seems to know quite what to say to eachother anymore and were on completly oppossite sides of the issues at hand. Maybe it's because we never learnt to "work easy" with one another. I honestly can't remember ever having spent time simply being in one anothers company. It just isn't somehting we did and I'm begining to see how much that might have matterred.

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    1. Interesting, Erin. Easiness probably comes out of just that: practice. And also, you get used enough to the hard work that it gradually morphs into easy work -- and that imbues everything around it. And sometimes some relationships will just always be hard work because both parties aren't on the same page... That said, good luck with your mom. I feel how frustrating it is for you and wish it could be easier.

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  12. Great post Barb! Teared up a little, but do that a lot lately - its the empty nest thing! When we go back to Canada, we try to do this with the girls as much as possible. What a gift it is for us! I am always amazed at how everyone can sit in the same room, while doing their thing, while being together and just being! So cool. While the guys watch sports, the girls chit chat and when the girls watch chick stuff, the guys pull out their lap tops - but everyone stays together. The energy is good and you're right, it's easy! Isn't it amazing how technology allows us to be independent and stay together at the same time.

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    1. Oh, I so know you are in this world, Josee. You are one of my best examples of easiness!! You are one of my heroes of this! But, yes, the empty nest thing. Oh so hard. But at least you guys find your rhythms whenever you get back together -- and don't try to force a bunch of "stuff" in there to make up for lost time. xoxo

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  13. LOVED!! I look forward to reading the work of you lovely ladies everyday. When i read it's like you're sitting next to me talking as if we are old friends ( I would love to know you both). Lots of love to you and your families. XOXO

    Sincerely,
    Katelyn

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    1. And we're so happy to have you here, Katelyn! It's interesting -- thanks to the comments section -- how much we really do feel like we're gathered, chatting with you guys like we're all old friends.

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  14. I love how, within the post and comments, we all have slightly different variations on these relations where we just need some time to sit together and do nothing. : )
    I was alyaws worried growing up that I didn't have that typical 'mother daughter' relationship. Most things that girls would go to their mothers for, I just taught myself or got over it on my own. I was always a tomboy and Daddy's girl. I still am , but since I have gone away to college my mom and I will skype to each other once a week or so.
    Like you guys said it is just about slowing down and talking to each other. Being further apart somehow gives us more to talk about...... odd but I am happy for it : )

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    1. Yeah, it's one of my favourite things about the comments -- hearing those sightly different perspectives, even among such a dynamic group of like-minded souls. I was also pretty independent growing up and really got close with my own parents after I moved away -- and only really through these cozy family gatherings that happen just a few times a year.

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  15. Hey Moon Children, I just read that today at 4pm, (North America, I'm not sure about elsewhere) just near the cresent moon, you should be able to see the planet Venus in the daytime sky. Apparently, Venus hasn't been seen during the day time since 1865. Jupiter is also quite near. I don't know if you can see Jupiter or not, but in about an hour, I'm headed out to see the Moon and hopefully Venus.

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    1. I will be looking for it! Considering the weight and awkwardness of my scope (a SkyQuest XT8)it usually only comes out on weekends but we've had it out a bunch of times in the past few weeks with such amazing views of Jupiter and Venus. We've never gotten such clear views of Jupiter and it's moons before.

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    2. When I got out of the gym this evening, a friend said that we can see Jupiter next to the moon.

      Was tempted to pull out the telescope...don't know where it is, though.

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    3. I got this comment just as I was going out the door -- thanks Molly! -- and tried to look for the moon/star alignment but didn't see it! Maybe it was too low in the horizon. Will look for it again when I go out in a few minutes. Crossing fingers to see it!!

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  16. I love this idea of working easy. I think that is sort of my natural style for relationships. I work hard at other stuff, but I tend to be a more mellow, let it go, unconditional person. It is the work I sometimes fail to do. But I find I have the hardest time with other people who can't work easy.

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    1. Yeah, I can see you'd be easy in your relationships, Hart. I totally relate to having a hard time with people who can't work easy. That is so my own toughest arena!

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  17. First I must say Barb your daughter is beautiful! Very timely post as I just returned from taking my "boy" back to college. I always feel so lonely when I come home to this empty place. But we did have a nice week together and he did not feel obligated to spend it all with me. We did however go to a movie together and also went to my mom's and chatted with her and my older brother. Ricky spent time with his giant cat Milo and his beloved dog Chewy and had a nice visit with his sister and new niece Ella. Although losing my job was a terrible thing, in a way it was a blessing because I have more free time to spend with my children. I'm still adjusting to this new role with my daughter Amanda who is now a mommy too. This is silly but sometimes I wonder if I'm giving too much time to the baby and not enough hugs and kisses for Amanda as well. Well life is all about adjusting and we do it everyday but I know my kids know they are loved

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    1. Aw, this got me: "sometimes I wonder if I'm giving too much time to the baby and not enough hugs and kisses for Amanda as well." Such a sweet maternal concern!! Life IS about adjusting. It's certainly not always easy, but it can also be exciting and interesting. Thanks for sharing, Mary.

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  18. working easy. this is a beautiful (and accessible) mantra for allowing spirit--rather than our own over-busy, over opinionated, over-anxious minds--to lead the way. are you familiar with the concept of "wabi sabi?" it's essentially living in the flow--allowing for the entire messiness of life--putting down the expectation of perfection and simply just being.......? that's what this post made me think of. by the way, your daughter is BEAUTIFUL--just like her mom............

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