Monday, October 15, 2012

Telling Tattletales Out Of School


Barbara: Tattling—is it the lowest thing you can do as a child? Mean, ugly, stupid?

Did you grow up with this belief? Do you still believe it?

Okay, now … why?

I read this article in our national paper the other day and it brought me back to those years as a young parent when tattling and all the coping strategies that go with it became my responsibility. I’d grown up, as almost everyone I knew, to believe that tattletales were pernicious, mean and small-minded people. That children who tattled deserved my scorn. That I should “ignore it/them” and they would learn to work it out. But as a young parent, I was also now an adult, and as an adult I’d come to learn that the expression “tattletale” only applies to children and their problems. Because, of course, adults who point a finger are usually considered brave, righteous, or “whistleblowers”. And don’t these brave whistleblowers or victims often speak about how difficult it is for them to decide to say something against their aggressor or wrongdoer, and that they felt wrong to do so, and that they only agreed after much soul-searching and support? Aren’t we all familiar to some degree with this strange disassociation between what’s right, and then standing up for what’s right? And is it possible that maybe this disassociation began when, as kids, we were repeatedly told to work it out ourselves, that tattling was the worst, most base thing we could do, and that—in the unbelievably inflammatory language of the clinical psychologist/writer of this article—“everybody knows that tattletales are on the upper rungs of those who should be despised.” Really???!!!

I could go on and on about the unbelievably inflammatory language of this guy’s article, but I’m not here to discuss his choice of words or his ideology. No, it’s my blog so I’m here to discuss my own.

Now I am not a clinical psychologist, but I am sure that if someone is doing something wrong, something physically or emotionally (let’s call it what it is) abusive, especially if the people involved are young children to whom EVERYTHING FEELS LIKE AN EPIC EVENT, isn’t this the best, most purposeful time to take a few minutes out of our day to offer up a life lesson? To delineate for both children involved what is right and wrong? To lend a loving and supportive ear when one or both of them feel maligned? To prove to them that the home, the sacred circle that it is, is the best and safest place to air grievances and be heard and gently directed?

I know it’s annoying to hear “the whine”. I do. I was there. I know it can come at the worst possible time, say, in the middle of some really pivotal part of that novel you’re writing. I also know it can feel like “the whine” is caught on some loop, like a scratch in a record, replaying the same refrain over and over and over again. I know this. I also know—from experience—that the grievance, however trivial it seems to you—will have powerful triggers in both kids involved. I mean, sure, you may still not make everyone happy (in that moment), I certainly remember often leaving the discussion almost at square one and even with a frustrated (from me), “Well, you’ll have to work it out yourselves then!”, but I definitely remember most “tattles” ending in a kind of dĂ©tente, where, at the very least, there was a calmer “agree to disagree” feeling. I also know very well that, if both sides have been heard, if all grievances have been aired, even if no satisfying outcome was achieved, those bickering, “tattling” kids will grow up with a sure sense that there is no shame in revealing your pain and that fair play is possible, and with some sense that, occasionally, it turns out that just because you feel wronged doesn’t mean you are wronged. PS: If your kids know you’re gonna wanna talk about the tattle, a) they will surely have their debating skills right up to snuff, which is great for their communications skills, and b) because they know you’re gonna wanna talk about it, they will also only bring you grievances they think are worth the effort!

As a parent, I realize now that the tattling phase really only lasts a few years. What’s a few minutes out of those days spent communicating with your child that hitting their sister (or stealing from them, or calling them a name) is not okay, that you hear them, and that there is some loving order in a chaotic world? Is our traditional approach to tattlers a lazy parent’s way out? Worse, does it condition the bad habit of suppression when we are hurt?

Or is the writer of this article right when he says that, by allowing the tattle, we are “currying favour at the expense of another” and forming “divisive bad habits”, and that the best and only way for us to deal with our children’s grievances is to ignore them?

Deb: Fascinating! Here is what I was brought up to believe and rather than changing it when raising the boy, I held fast to its model. I was taught that it isn’t right and nobody needs to know which kid took the last cookie or who threw the mud ball. I was taught to believe that I should tell when the person was hurting someone emotionally or physically or breaking the law. Anything beneath that was none of my beeswax. I was taught that if I was being pulled into something unsavory that I should own up to who is doing the pulling. Beyond that—stay out of it. In the professional world, as far as I can see, it has to be the same rules. Cheaters, liars, thieves, beware. Everyone else, just watch out for smartphones!!!

23 comments:

  1. Oooh this is interesting. I tattled to my siblings as I kid, but I did because I felt victimized and wanted the upper hand. If/when I have my own children, I will only tell them to tattle if someone or themselves are getting hurt or saying hurtful things. I feel then that it is necessary to intervene.

    I was a shy kid growing up; kept my mouth shut because I didn't want to ensue conflict. I didn't want anybody's feelings to get hurt or for others to gang up on me. Now that I'm older, I wish I would have had the courage to stand up not only for others, but for myself...

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    1. As a parent, I also wanted to make sure that my girls felt it's okay to speak up, that they should be encouraged to do so. It's careful work to divide the "tattle" from the other stuff for a young kid, which is why this subject is so provocative for me!

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  2. Great topic Barb! And I totally Agree with you. Because Ive been through the "tattle" phase myself. And I would say it is very very useful. when I was a kid all the cool kids around me taught me to hide things from my mom. Lying and stuff. And my mom was very protective of me. So I did lie sometimes. It was a phase....back then I thought if I didnt listen to my friends they wouldnt play with me anymore (that did happen eventually). But that did cost me in one way. Ya know how I keep saying when I was 6-7 I had a traumatic incident? Well, that time I didnt really have a habit of telling my mom about 'wrongdoings'. I told her eventually and she asked me to tell her everything no matter what it was. And I still have that habit. Not tattling just talking to her about stuff. It helps me release the tension. and she does the same. I'm just happy I have someone I can talk to.

    I think it is good. If someone is hurting anyone emotionally or physically it should be talked about to someone we trust. And I think kids can decide for themselves which approach serves them the best when they grow up. Some talk about stuff, some find it easier to not to talk about it and some just ignore things. But I think it is better to have those few minutes to communicate. It certainly helped me. My mom used to work and even after a hard day she would listen to me coz when she didnt I ended up being a prey to a traumatic incident. And that ended up ruining my entire childhood. But talking to my mom later on helped me tons! And its not a traumatic incident anymore...Its something that made me strong and helped me realize that there are people who love me and are willing to listen when I need them.

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    1. I do agree, S, that lots of people prefer, in fact, NOT to speak out when they are dealing with stuff. But for many of us, like you, it is the only way. I'm so sorry you had to go through what you did as a child, but very glad you had a loving and supportive mother to help you through it! And that you now feel you HAVE come through it! xoxo

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  3. I think tattleing is for kids mostly. Childhood sibling rivalry or power plays for kids. I think if someone lies or hurts others they should be called out. When did lying become acceptable in politics or anything else for that manner?

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    1. I guess that's why I don't much like the whole "don't tattle" philosophy, because it's only through "tattling" that many kids learn right from wrong, big from little, meaningful from meaningless. And, hopefully, that lying (and other stuff) is bad!!

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    2. Agree Barbara. We have become a lying people.

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  4. Since I grew up an only child, I really didn't have anyone to tell on except my friends and I do have to admit that I did tell on them. I would tell if they would be mean to me or if they would run away from me if they would not leave me alone.( I really like to just be by myself when I was little).

    As an adult of corse I don't run off and tell on people everytime something goes wrong or dosen't go my way. I think I am more with Kelly on this one. I never stood up for my self as a kid,and if I did I would get into trouble with the other kids,but I think it's important to stand up for your self even as an adult. I hope this kinda makes since.

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    1. It does make sense! And I hope you will always feel good about standing up for yourself (although, I agree, not everything merits standing up for -- many things are kind of not worth our time/energy, right?)

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  5. My philosophy was similar to Deb's. I encouraged my children to speak up if they saw something dangerous or harmful, but I discouraged attempts to get someone else in trouble by tattling. I think even very young children know the difference in their motives. When mine were little, I'd ask them, "Are you telling me this to try to help your brother/sister/friend/yourself?" If not, "Are you telling me this to get them in trouble?" Their faces told the truth of it. Like so many things, it's an issue of the heart.

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    1. Absolutely! (re: "it's an issue of the heart") What I like about your method was that you still spoke to them about it (even if it was just a question) and you discovered the truth in a very simple, straightforward way. But you didn't just ignore them, right? You established the circumstance and moved on. This I totally relate to.

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    2. What a great idea to ask them their motives and then read the truth on their faces!

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  6. I was such a lazy child. I tattled when it suited me to do so. Not necessairly the outcome suited me, but if I was busy I wasn't gonna run to mom. Case in point I know I once tattled on my brother after my mom had just finished scolding him for what ever it was he had done. I knew she had already taken care of things so don't ask me what I thought telling her again was going to acomplish! And then once Kevin and I were both outside playing on the swingset, me swinging and Kev on the slide, when Kev broke his collar bone. He was laying at the end of the slide screaming and crying and I thought that I was busy swinging so he would be fine. I kept right on swinging for in reality about 2 minutes but I sure it felt like an hour to my brother ...oops. Mom eventually heard Kev crying and came running outside. After all was said and done I got a nice talking to about how I am older and need to look out for Kev and anyone who is hurt and how swining is not a propper excuse. : )
    I will make sure my kids have the deciency to help someone just laying on the ground crying. : )

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    1. Oh, my, but don't we all have these shuddery moments from our past?! Interesting how it stayed with you all these years...

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    2. Life is better when it's funny : )

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  7. I hear you, Barb. I think the author is primarily looking at tattling from one angle (although he suggests the "one" exception is physical harm). It seems shortsighted to me. What he describes happening would indicate that every time a child tattles, it gets the tattlee into trouble. Apparently, allowing a child to tattle will lead him to a life of morally bereft behavior! Yikes. Like you, I want my kids to feel it is safe to tell me anything and I don't see how ignoring my child would convey that. When it comes to tattling amongst my kids, I know their hearts. We work our way to what the need of each child involved is and how they can help each other meet those needs. Sometimes, empathic listening is all my kid needs and that empowers him to shake off the dust and get back to playing.

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    1. Brilliant, Eileen. Love how you've expressed this!

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  8. I am trying to think how it all went. I do remember telling sometimes, when I was about three or four. I definitely have this image in my head that telling was not good thing. Or it might be that we spent quite a lot of time by ourselves during the summer times as it was the high berry season, so there were no adults to tell. I can remember vividly that as I was the youngest I had to use my power of crying if my sis and aunt weren't going to take me with them. Oh, now I remember! Yeah, we definitely did not tell our mother as she had the habit of using corporal punishment (not illegal at the time I think). So we did not tell on each other.

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    1. The way the memory unwinds as you're recalling it here -- Sooo interesting. And sad that you had good reason NOT to tell. Hopefully that will get better/easier as you grow away from that time... xoxo

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  9. *ridiculously late comment alert*

    Oh, my kids are always telling tales. It drives me up the wall! I'm sure I used to do it too, though. I guess it's just part of growing up and learning where that line is. As far as my kids go, I'll always listen but, unless there's bodily injury and blood, I'll stay neutral.

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