Monday, October 3, 2011

Mother In Law

Deb: Very few monikers have conjured up more derogatory jokes. The mere mention of mother-in-law has, through the ages, struck fear into the hearts of both men and women. Not me. I love my Mother-in-Law. Have since day one. I loved my Father-in-Law from the get-go as well. Very sadly we lost him a few years back and we all still miss him so much. My mother and father in law were such a beautiful team, very much in love and very much in sync. It breaks my heart to see her on her own, but she is a strong woman surrounded by great friends and family.

I was just in Vancouver where she lives for the CBC and decided to go out a day early to spend time with her. We had dinner together with my sister-in-law and then I invited Mum to join us for the festivities the next day at the CBC 75th Anniversary/Culture Days. It was a chilly day, but down she came to stand outside and be a part of the event. She says she was there for me, but it turns out that she was really there to see Johnny Reid who was opening the day's events. He was charming and fantastic. She loves him. Partly because he’s talented and partly because he’s Glaswegian.
Sheila McCarthy from Little Mosque on the Prairie, Ron James from The Ron James Show,
and Deb's lovely Mum-in-law
My wrangler had her stand in a strategic spot to be sure not to miss him. He came by and said hello, and she told him she was from Glasgow too. Her reward was a wee chat and a kiss. As a result, I do not have to give her a birthday gift for the rest of her life!

It was so nice, having her there. She just fit in seamlessly. Some people would feel awkward from both ends of the spectrum, but I loved it and so did she. She is charming and easy with people and it was fun for her to get a peek inside this wild world of live TV. Everyone was so kind and friendly to her. Her only disappointment was not meeting George Stroumboulopoulos. I promised her, but every time he was free I was busy. So maybe I do owe her more gifts after all.

A friend recently told me that she finds it so funny that I call my in-laws Mum and Dad. I don’t know, maybe it’s old fashioned now, not done. It’s not for everyone, I know that. My husband worked with my Dad and knew him as a peer before we got together so I get that it was awkward for him to change and I never expected it of him. He adores my parents and that’s enough for me. But this was something that was important for me. The second we said our “I do’s” I went up to them and planted a Mum and Dad on them! I think they were secretly very pleased.

When I was growing up, both of my parents referred to their respective spouse’s parents as “Mum and Dad”, although technically my paternal Grandma was referred to by all as “Ma”. I always hoped that when I married someone, I would find in-laws that I loved enough to honour them with that title.  And I did. Lucky me.

Barbara: It’s funny the whole parent-in-law stereotype—the one where we don’t get along with each other. I guess it comes from that old saying: “You don’t pick your family.” And maybe you don’t get along because there’s so much “political” stuff in families and maybe it’s because you’re just not a good fit with each other.

I am lucky enough, like you, Deb, to have a mother-in-law that I love (and, too, a father-in-law when he was still alive). But I think we love each other for the same reasons as you: there is a will to work on a good rapport, a genuine mutual respect, and a healthy dose of lovely get-togethers like the one you describe here.

You are an amazing daughter-in-law, Deb. I know your “Mum” appreciates that beyond words. 

33 comments:

  1. Wee, first comment!

    While I have not been graced with the privilege of in-laws quite just yet, I definitely know that my mom considers my dad's parents (my wonderful grandparents, whom I am still very fortunate that they are still here with me) her own parents as well! What a sweet relationship you have with your mum in-law, Deb! :)

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  2. I always joke with my friends that whoever marries me is lucky because I don't come with a mother-in-law! But my Dad is crazy enough to make up for two in-laws. Great post!!

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  3. Holly congrats on being NUMBER 1!Thanks Holly, it's easy because she is a lovely woman. Ruth that is so funny. Crazy enough for two in-laws.

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  4. I am like Ruth, when I get married my boyfriend better get ready cause my grandparents are two crazy people. basically my grandparents are my mom and dad so thats why I say them. I love them both to death but they are just crazy,. I mean the good kind of crazy.

    Also when my grandmother got marries they called my grandfathers parents mom and day . They would no have it any other way. Also my boyfriends mom is great , even know I am not marries yet, I still call her mom and she likes when I call her mom, actually she would prefer it.


    Great picture by the way. Your mother -in - law looks like a great women.

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  5. It's great that you have/had a nice relationship with your in-laws. My mother-in-law passed away before I got the chance to really know her. While she was alive we never had any issues with eachother and I think we were both quite happy to become part of each others families. I do remember her very fondly and I think she was a great in-law to have had. My father-in-law well lets just say I can't imagine ever calling him Dad.

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  7. Lovely post today. I was married at 19 and by the time I got divorced 20 years later my in-laws supported and loved me. They have both passed on now but I took care of my mother-in-law through her cancer as her 4 sons were not equipped to help her with her bodily functions. I sat with her as she died and even tried to grant her wish of dying without pain. When my ex father-in-law turned 80 I asked to be included in his party and was invited. I loved them right up to their deaths and his dad long after their son and I divorced. I am now in the mother-in-law position and I get along really well with my sons wives. Nice when it works out. I know others were it is awful.

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  9. Lovely photo, Deb, and glad to see Sheila looking so well after the year she's had.
    You hear stories about the mother-in-law from hell, but I call mine the mother-in-law from heaven because she's such a sweetie.

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  10. Lovely photo, Deb, and glad to see Sheila looking so well after the year she's had.
    You hear stories about the mother-in-law from hell, but I call mine the mother-in-law from heaven because she's such a sweetie.

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  11. Lyndsie, I think it's great that you have parent/grandparents. What a rich relationship that must be. And good kinda crazy is good right? Madge what a gift you gave your Mom in law. She will be waiting at the gates of heaven for you, with wine, chocolate and hugs. Kate thanks for the comment about Sheila. It is a rough time for her to be sure but she is such a strong strong woman. And yes, I think she is gorgeous in this shot, thanks. Mother in law from heaven. Lovely. That is what I aspire to be!!!

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  12. Yes the good kind if crazy in ok, and Deb in sure that you will be a great Mother in law. And I agree Sheila looks great in that picture.

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  13. Wow Deb, you were truly lucky to have gotten such a great set of in-laws. I was not as blessed. My first mother-in-hell was not thrilled with her sons choice of me. We ended up having to stay with her for a bit. During that time she took our bedroom door away so we had NO privacy, and I would wake up in the night to find her standing over me...staring at me *shivers*. When I would leave for awhile she would take all of our clothes out of the big dresser, distribute her sons clothes neatly in all the drawers except for the last one, and shove 2 1/2 drawers of my stuff into the very bottom drawer. I came "home" once to find her washing all of my good work blouses with a lot of bleach. She said she was doing me a favor because bleach kills germs. She did a lot of other things but I don't want to hijack your blog with her craziness. :)
    Yep, you were VERY lucky.
    hugs,
    Karen

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  14. Karen are you kidding me?????? That is crazy, and not the good kind of crazy. That is scary stuff. I was married before to a lovely man for three years. He was a sweetheart but it was not to be as I had married him for all the wrong reasons. His Mother, God Rest her, showed her disdain for our union by giving us a sculpture of a hawk with a limp dead rabbit in it's talons. Oy.

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  15. But it looks great on your mantle piece!

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  16. Wish I could respond to these earlier...but influx of good news has kept me away!!!

    Anywho, this is a lovely post. It seems like that in this day and age people are like "oh my god....in-laws." It's almost like a curse word. :S Keep that relationship going and don't lose it. I'm sure your mother-in-law is wonderful :]

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  17. Strangely enough it met with a hideous accident from which it never recovered!
    Kelly, Good news? Wonderful wonderful! Anything you would care to share? I will keep it going. I love seeing her and spending time.

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  18. Love all the comments today and the mean mother-in-laws. What a nightmare if you get stuck with one of those.

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  19. I know Madge. I love that a tribute turned into a roast!

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  20. Deb, LOL, it's good we can laugh at that crap now, isn't it. :) The things I mentioned were only a few of the things she did to me. Should I ask what you did with the sculpture. It would have looked perfect in an old pub, don't you reckon? It's good that you had experience with a "mother-from-hell" . Not that you would ever be a MFH, but I think was good experience and will help you in your relationship with Luke's lucky gal. :) When I finally got good and tired of having my life threatened by ex#1, I left him and she gave him a brand new pickup truck if he promised to never take ME back. He told me that he had a hard decision to make. I told him "here, let me do you a favor". He got personalized plates, I got relief from DRAMA. Good trade, I think. I still love him and think about him though. You never forget your first real love, even if they are a douche with a douche lineage. :)
    hugs
    Karen

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  21. Deb, I'm glad your Mum in law is still able to have so much fun with you. Fantastic relationship! Thankfully, no one ever gave us a hawk statue. LOL

    I've been married twice, and have had two very different relationships with my in-laws. My 1st MIL and I didn't get along very well. Kinda awkward, esp since she and my mother knew each from way back in "sons in Cub Scouts" days. The relationship has improved considerably because of my daughter. She sleeps over grandma's a lot and I've picked her up a lot. So Pat and I have finally developed a, well, not quite friendship, but I could call her for a ride if my car ever broke down. I consider that a huge positive. :)

    My second MIL lives in Virginia. We stayed with her 3 times over 10 years. She too was thrilled to have a granddaughter. I wish we could have visited her more, but it was a 12-hour drive (or at least 4 if we flew THEN drove), and it got ugly after a certain point. She was a strong woman with a thick Southern accent and a killer sense of humor. Her, I miss. (She's alive and healthy, but her son's a HUGE mama's boy, and keeping in contact was... odd, let's say.)

    Neither FIL was in the picture much. They'd divorced before, or right after, I met their sons.
    It wasn't a big deal to the families they'd left, so it wasn't a big deal to me.

    I do miss talking and laughing with Joyce, but Pat is a loving grandmother who lives about 15 minutes away, and my daughter and I are both lucky for that.

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  22. By the way, your geese fly directly over my house with frightening regularity nowadays. Do you have any messages for them? :)

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  23. Um...sure. I'll share my good news. I found out my official graduation date, and I'm seeing the Colin and Brad show in 6 WEEKS ON FRIDAY. My buddy from school is getting married on Saturday and I have the day off on Wednesday!

    Deb, you asked. There you go! :D

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  24. Didn't even realize there were Scottish roots!!!!! Then I just now dug out my Scotland photo album. And now I miss Scotland all over again :[

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  25. Ooh, scary MIL stories! Deb, I never heard yours. Karen, I feel for you!!! Kelly, YAY!!! Congrats and have fun!!

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  26. What fun for you and your mother in law! That's a great photo of her.

    I knew my MIL briefly before she passed away in 1992 and I never met my father in law and it's a shame because it would have been nice to know both of MathMan's parents. I think I'd understand him better if I'd met his father. And I think to have known his father as an adult would have been such a good thing for him. Yeek! Sorry to be such a downer.

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  27. Coming in kind of late here, but I just had to say this is such a wonderful story, Deb. So neat to have such a wonderful relationship. I have to say, those Glasweian women must have a fire in them. They seem to do amazing things in whatever situation life gives them. My own mother-in-law is as sweet a person as I could ever hope for. I couldn't say all the wonderful things about her that I would love to say. I hope that someday I can be as good of a mother in law to my children's spouses as she is to me.

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  28. Wow Karen what a tale. It sounds like something out of a movie. That woman needs help! What a cow. As for the sculpture, I put it on the curb one day and some lucky passerby snapped it up for their mantle.

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  29. Dawn I love when you said "I'd call her for a ride if my car broke down". You are right. Better than nothing. And that does define the relationship beautifully. Believe it or not, my Mom did not like Colin at all at the beginning. Did not think he was good enough for me. She also did not like my first husband at all. Again with the not good enough. It took years for her to warm up to Colin and now she LOVES him. Too bad about Joyce though and what you are missing but in the end it's great if they are wonderful grandmothers and it sounds like you have that.

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  30. Oh and Dawn, tell them to fly safe and we'll see them in the spring! xo Love what you said!
    Kelly what a pretty parcel of good news! Wow. So happy for you.
    Lisa not a downer at all. You make a good point. I understand so many things about my husband having known his father. It is hugely helpful.
    Molly how beautiful. You just gave her the nicest tribute. And yes, now the pressure is on me. Our son has been with the same girl for over three years and I love her to bits. If she ever does something I don't like, I will keep my mouth shut. I hope she does the same. Hard, lovely work I'm guessing.

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  31. Lisa, you've got me to thinking about the fact that neither of my ex's (??) had their dad in their life once they hit their teens. I wonder what might be different about each of them. I do know that my first ex (J) is a fantastic dad and it's directly due to the (unimpressive) parenting job his father did. J is disgusted with his father's behaviour over the years. J is also the oldest of 3 and I imagine he's a little more responsible because of that, too.

    Ex #2, T, is the youngest of three boys, and is a mama's boy through and through. His first wife was a couple of years older than his mother, so you can do the psychological math if you wish. I wish I knew more about his dad, because T's thing is not accepting blame for ANYTHING, and acknowledging NOTHING. He did stick with me during all the bi-polar hospitalizations and treatments, but he was expecting that once I was "fixed," everything would be all right.
    I like this song lyric. "I know that I've got issues, but you're pretty messed up, too." If he had just admitted it, maybe we would have done better. I don't know.
    I'm just glad I don't have to worry about what kind of mother-in-law I'll make for several more years.

    Deb, they say "HONK! HONK!" and said you'd understand. :)

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