Monday, July 9, 2012

Grateful For Gratitude

Barbara: Yes, last week was my birthday—and I just want to thank you all soooo much for your lovely birthday wishes and thoughts. I had a really beautiful special day with my closest beloveds (except my younger daughter who had to be away for the weekend). It was a day of enjoying life, being spoiled … and practicing gratitude.

Remember back in the nineties when books about gratitude were all the rage? We were encouraged to be grateful every day for something. Even—and maybe especially—something small (the smell of the garden, a bubble bath, a fresh strawberry, a good cup of coffee, etc). Then we were reminded to think of the people and events around us for which we were grateful. On bad days, this might be more difficult, but for just about all of us, there is definitely someone out there in whose light we can revel for a few grateful moments.

The philosophy behind this practice was that if we did that small bit of work every day then we would slowly, inevitably, shift the colours of our lives until that lovely rosy hue would outshine the dark. I never ended up reading the bestselling books, but I certainly listened rapt as those who did expounded on the theory. It made sense. And I started to become aware of my own gratitude and how deeply I felt it and how, in many ways, gratitude was one of the most consistently achievable feelings of “good” that I could attain. Even on a really shitty day.

I am truly grateful that gratitude has been a consistent theme on this blog and that our readers so quickly and readily jump on the “gratitude bandwagon” whenever we bring it up. So I hope you don’t mind if I revisit it one more time??? I want to share a small experience with you and then see where we land afterward:

For my birthday dinner, we went to an amazing little restaurant called Keriwa Café. It is a cozy little place, the kind that makes you feel very much like you’ve walked into a (stylish) friend’s farmhouse kitchen. The air is perfumed like a warm smokehouse and you picture not a bland city alley outside its kitchen doors, but a vast farmland, filled with all things good and clean and delicious. The server was a charming guy who took amazing care of our every need, and who made us feel like we were already on comfortable terms—maybe like he was the friend of a friend (ie not overly-familiar, but also not cold and standoffish). The food was divine: earthy and sophisticated in equal measure, sublime combinations of herbs and sauces, and the absolute truth of flavour that comes from the freshest and best quality ingredients. We were in raptures with every single mouthful, from the homemade sourdough bread at the start (washed down with the loveliest signature cocktails) to the gift of the airiest truffle I’ve ever eaten at the end. Now I’m telling you all this not to try and sell my skills as a restaurant reviewer (although, for me, that wouldn’t be the worst job!), but to underscore my point about gratitude.

As we were eating, we shared our sentiments with our server at every course. We mmmed and ahhhed and made sure he knew that we thought everything was delicious and perfect. We weren’t ridiculously effusive, but consistently grateful. And he was … surprised! Not because we found the food wonderful—this restaurant is run by one of the best new chefs in the city—but because we were sharing our love. On the drive home afterward, Stefanie expressed her own sense of gratitude that we had taught her how important it is to communicate gratitude if one truly feels it. She has been able to see just how deeply it affects people, while also realizing—through the sincere surprise at the restaurant—that this means it is maybe all too rarely communicated. She reminded me again that, while she considers herself a fervent foodie, she maybe wouldn’t have had the courage to rave. She is “too shy”. But this experience—and others like it over her growing years—has taught her to keep trying to work at sharing her gratitude. Because it literally makes everyone feel good.

So, if we’re going to revisit this theme again, here’s what I’d love to hear from you:
1.     Are you too shy to share your gratitude with strangers?
2.     If you do share your gratitude, what is the response?
3.     And, how do you feel when people express gratitude toward you?

Deb: Well, you know me. Not too shy about anything. I share my gratitude easily and frequently. I also share my gratitude silently in the morning and the evening for a day lived and a day woken up to. When I share my gratitude I am ALWAYS moved by people’s reactions. Always. Some are shy about it, some are gobsmacked by it, but they are always grateful for it. When people express gratitude towards me ... well ... hmmmnnn .... I am getting better. Much better. I am starting to be able to look people in the eye and say how happy and grateful I am for their gratitude. But that one remains the toughest. As I have said in other posts, I love to be the bestower, not so much the bestowed upon. But I am getting better. It is something I have worked really hard on. Grace is the word I use when someone expresses their gratitude to me. Be graceful, I tell myself. And it is working for me.

46 comments:

  1. I'm glad both of you all had great birthdays .

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  2. Aww!!! LOVE.THIS.POST! And Barb you would make a wonderful restaurant reviewer. You know me, I'm not shy about anything and I'm a Gratitude Gal. And I know you are too!!! I am grateful for everything...I express it with all my heart and I feel wonderful to feel grateful or appreciative! And when I express it some strangers always give me the biggest smile, some feel flattered and some are just really sweet!
    When people express their gratitude towards me I just keep thinking "what a wonderful person this is...Sucha sweet guy/gal!" and It just feels really flattering to be the center of someone's focus and being important enough that they express their gratitude out loud! I think its absolutely wonderful! I think gratitude or better said appreciation is an integral part of Life. If you dont feel appreciation and grateful for the things you have.. You'll never be satisfied by the Life you live, I say!

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    1. Yes, I know you wouldn't hesitate to share your gratitude, even with strangers, Shalaka!! I think you radiate gratitude -- or appreciation from every fibre of your being. It's interesting to read your reactions too. And I think your last line is perfect!

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  3. I read a few of those bestsellers, Simple Abundance is the one I best remember. In the nineties my mum got diagnosed with a few painful and long term health problems so her friends brought her the books round as gifts and I always read what's lying around. I think I gained a lot from them, I even kept a gratitude journal for a few months. I didn't manage to keep it up though (I'm just not a writer at my core!). But on the shittiest day I still list them in my head and go to bed feeling overwhelmed at all the reasons I have to be grateful.
    I learnt from my mum the importance of showing people gratitude whenever you can. If a nurse or waitress or shop assistant is nice to her she goes out of her way to say thankyou and tell their boss what an asset they are. I can't count the number of times she's taken people chocolates and a thankyou card, or baked them something to say thankyou. My brother is a cop and every month she bakes an enormous chocolate cake and takes it in to all the detectives in his office to thank everyone there for the job that they do. My brother was embarrassed at first but when he saw how touched his colleagues were he soon got over it!
    I like to think I'm following in her footsteps- I just havn't started baking for the whole police force yet! I take after her not being good at accepting gratitute too, but like Deb, I'm getting better I think.

    Glad you both had wonderful birthdays. The restaurant sounds amazing, I think I would've raved too :)

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    1. Wow, baking for the whole force??! That is gorgeous! I think most of us may never get to THAT level, but it's lovely to read about people who do. I am grateful to people like your mom :) I also love that your brother could go from embarrassed to proud when he saw gratitude in action. Grateful for you too, Samara!!

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  4. That restaurant totally reminds me of the Elephant House in Edinburgh!! :D It was actually a year ago today that I went off to Scotland. Man how fast that year went!

    No I'm not afraid to share my gratitude with others. When I was a tour guide I often told my tourists how grateful I was for a school like Berea. Among other things. I've gotten very positive outcomes, but sometimes not so much. This happened yesterday when my Christian beliefs were attacked by a friend of mine. It hurt me deeply but I have forgiven this person.

    I LOVE it when people share gratitude with me! My sister and I are trying to be more grateful for the "little" things that we so often take for granted. It's hard, but with mind-control I have a feeling we will be successful. Gratitude is a choice; like you said. You can choose to feel it even on the crappiest of days.

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    1. I'm so sorry that a friend felt they needed to attack you for what you believe. I can't imagine anyone challenging the way you live your life, especially since you are so clearly a loving and generous and supportive person. Sooo very grateful for you! Love to revel in that as much as possible.

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  5. Such an interesting idea. I love making a point of NOTICING and feeling gratitude for the things I enjoy, but I DO tend to be a little shy who I share it with--I tend to share with... whoever I'm SHARING it with. But I can see how great it is to share with whoever is providing the experience, too.

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    1. I think my natural exuberance probably makes sharing gratitude easier than it might be for everyone, but I think if we pay attention to the gift it is -- the cheapest and easiest gift by far -- then it gets easier and easier to bestow on everyone (who deserves it ;) )

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  6. I think I am a big shy to share my gratitude. But I think it is mostly because of the negative feedback that I once got. It might have been that I have been overly grateful?

    If I share my gratitude, then usually one of my friends (if they are with me) translates it to "normal". I tend to say something is eatable or nice when it is really good. I do say if I really like something. I think reply I usually get is "oh, its nothing!" Unless if it is at the restaurant or somewhere else.

    My response usually is "oh, its nothing!" if someone expresses their gratitude to me. To my friend I once said "don't even threaten to give them back" when she asked about the childrens chlotes I donated to her. My sister needed some space and I promised to get them to good use. :)

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    1. You got negative feedback for gratitude??? Yeah, I think it makes some people uncomfortable in the moment. But later, when we measure our experiences (IF we do), then expressed gratitude is definitely in the "good" bank and might save an otherwise bad moment. Does this make sense??? I hope we can all one day shift from "it's nothing" to "thank you!!"

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    2. Yeah, when I was a kid. My step dad though it was funny how naive I was and thought that the only person we should be greatful to was him. So he talked down if he heard we thanked someone else. He might have been a narsisist, but I am not blaiming anyone as I have no proof. It is wierd to see yourself as young (in my niece) as there are some things that reminds me of me as young. She thanked me, already before coming to stay with me for a week, for a fun time that we are going to have. She was so greatful this morning, that she didn't wake me up and started to clean (with toy brush). She told me that she wanted to make me breakfast but didn't know how to, so she changed it to cleaning. With her my reply has been more or less on the lines "Thank you. I am happy to do this for you." I just hope that what I am doing is right.

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    3. Oh, Kasku, this story is adorable!! How old is she??? (and of course what you're doing is right -- you have such great instincts)

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    4. She is six :) She is so adorable! (Thank you for positive feedback ;) )

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  7. I have no qualms about sharing my gratitude and I love to do it. I enjoy seeing what a few moments taken to express gratitude can do to someones day. It seems to infuse both the one recieving the gratitude and the one giving it a moment of happiness that carries throughout the day. With that in mind I've really been trying to become more gracious when on the recieving end. I've not always accepted gratitude well and been embarrassed by it.
    What really brought it to my attention is the first year I was an assistant coach for soccer. I'd made it habit that at the end of each season I would get all the parents to donate a few dollars so we could as a group give the coach and assistant coach each a thank you card and a little gift. I did the same thing for the coach that year and when I presented him with his gift was incredibly embarrassed that he had one to give to me.
    It occurred to me later on how silly it was for me to think that the parents shouldn't have done that for me when every other year I'd been doing just that for someone else. I have been much better at accepting gratitude since then.
    Ok I've only one more thing to say on the subject of gratitude; thanks Barb and Deb for a beautiful place to share thoughts and ideas each day.

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    1. And thanks, Erin, for being such a vital and beautiful part of this community!! I loved your assistant coach story -- because the lesson learned is probably one many of us here need to hear. It's so great you were able to digest that experience and make it work!

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  8. I always try to share my gratitude. I give it far more than I take it in. Just yesterday two people expressed their gratitude towards me and I was so warmed inside. It was not something that needed acknowledgment but these two women in separate circumstances expressed their thanks to me for helping their relative cope with a death. This week has been an odd week because one of my closest friend's daughter hung herself. She was an addict and had struggled from a young age. It was so shocking, not in the fact she died (because we knew that could happen for the last 26 years) but in the way she chose to end her life. I was there everyday just doing what I could to comfort my friend. I cleaned, answered phones and helped her any way I could really without thinking. Two cousins that were there walked up to me after they were leaving and told me what a great friend I was to come every day and do what I could to help. I thanked them and thought WOW to myself. At the time I did it all for my friend and expected nothing in return but this gratitude shown towards me really amazed me. I am going to really shout out to people more when they are just being themselves. Great post today.

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    1. Madge, as you know already, you are deeply in my thoughts because of this tragic and sad event. I am so sorry about this young woman's struggles and the impact her loss has had and will continue to have on all of you. I am thrilled you shared the story of how your help prompted unexpected gratitude and how it warmed you. Gratitude does warm. Everyone. The giver and givee. Even if the receiver doesn't immediately acknowledge it (as we've seen from the responses, obviously many people have trouble receiving, but it still finds its mark, right?). Thanks, Madge, for being such a friend, here and everywhere.

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  9. So glad you had such a lovely birthday!
    As I've said before, I am so shy, but I do try to say when I am grateful for something. I want to let them know that I noticed what they did, said, or that the food was amazing! I may not be loud when I do it, but I do say something.
    Usual responses are sometimes shock (because that quiet, shy girl actually said something), smiles and thank yous, and the ocassional odd look, like they don't know how to respond.
    I don't take it well when someone shows gratitude toward me. I smile (and blush) and say "thank you" and try to get the attention off of me. It honestly depends on the setting as to how I will respond. When one of my bosses comments on the fact that I have finished my tasks for the day and say something nice, I just say "thank you" and move on. See, to me, getting my tasks done is just part of my job, not something special, so I don't need that special attention when I get it done.

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    1. Maybe we need to practice letting the gratitude sink in -- even when it's for "just doing our job". Maybe we can still blush and maybe even brush it away with a gentle thank you, but deep down, we should really take it in. I think that should be our next "task" :) Thanks, Steph, for being here in your wonderful way!!

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    2. Glad to be here, Barbara!!

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  10. It is important to share gratitude, to tell people when they did a great job at something. People are so accustomed to just hearing when they have not meant up to expectations that they just love to hear good news. I get such great smiles. I do it for the smiles and usually it opens up an opportunity for a great conversation. I understand some are shy. My daughter Sara, started early with showing her gratidute. We operated a small dry cleaning plant. We did not have much time for vacations. So one long weekend we took the girls to the Park Plaza for breakfast and they pretended they were guests on vacation. Sara was perhaps 4. When her meal came to the table she took a bit ena told the waiter " my condolences to the chef". We all started to laugh, and she wondered why " she meant my compliments to the chef". to say the least it provided a great bit of laughter for us and those around us.

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    1. LOVE this!! Oh my god, how sweet. Thanks, Bernadette!

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  11. I'm ridiculously shy with strangers, but I try to share my gratitude as much as possible. It's lovely to see a person's face light up in response. I'm a bit like Deb with accepting gratitude, though. I tend to hide. I love doing things for other people, though. I think we all have the power to spread a little joy every day. :)

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    1. We do, Roz, just make sure you soak up your fair share too, baby!

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  12. I hadn't really thought about if I share my gratitude with strangers or not. I try to thank people who serve me or help me, like the checkout person at the grocery store. I will have to pay more attention to that. Sometimes I find it harder to thank people that I see regularly. I'm not going to see the same checkout person at the store again and if I do, I'm one of thousands they see each week. They aren't going to remember me and I don't ever have to feel shy because I'm not going to see them again. With friends or acquaintances that I see regularly I feel a bit more shy or embarrassed.

    A quick example is, last week, our home was without power or water for 5 days. We tried very hard to be independent, but after three days of not being able to shower, we took up a friend's offer to go to their home to shower. We thanked them as much as we could and I plan on sending out a thank you card to them. However, another lady offered her home to us as well. We never went to her home, but I am very grateful that she offered it to us. I want to thank her, but when I saw her yesterday at church, I was too shy to go up and say thank you for offering your home to us. It's silly to be shy to express gratitude, but I never did go thank her. I think I need to amend that this week.

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    1. Oh, Molly, I know we all go through that strange fear of rejection thing (or whatever it is that prevents us from taking up too much space with those around us), but I think it would be a wonderful and lovely thing to acknowledge your gratitude about her kind offer. Good luck! (and thanks for sharing this)

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  13. Wonderful post, ladies! I want to express how much I appreciate your blog. I often miss it, but I always enjoy it, for a multitude of reasons. Gratitude.....ahhh, one of my favorite topics. Yes, I give it abundantly, wanting to share my appreciation for anyone who touches my heart, does a great job, etc etc. I say it with sincerity. And I love it when someone expresses it to me. Yes, it is harder to receive it than give it, but I have tried to practice all of it.....everyday, for all of my life. Both ways fill me with joy.

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    1. You do, Cheryl, I've always noticed that about you. Such a perfect example to us all!

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  14. I'm about as shy as Deb is when it comes to showing gratitude, as I'm sure a few people here can attest to. Sometimes, it's all you can do, and you hope it's enough to get the message across that what they've done is appreciated, sometimes beyond measure.

    What has taken me a while to get used to is when people thank me. I've finally gotten into the habit of responding with, "You're welcome." It doesn't over-complicate things. It doesn't blow anyone off or make them feel silly for saying it to me.

    If people don't thank me, I (now) think, "Well, maybe they're preoccupied with something else." And sometimes they're just oblivious jerks.

    But I'll still thank the next person.

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    1. Dawn, I am ever so grateful for your amazing presence here on the blog -- and the glimpses we get of you out in the real world. Definitely true that some people are oblivious jerks (oh yes), but I think the thanking part is a good place to start, regardless, right?

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  15. I think that gratitude is very important. You show others your respect, and show them that they are important, that what they do is good and welcomed and wanted.

    I'm not too shy to show gratitude, though it depends...I try to say Thank you whenever possible (it's not real gratitude, it's more polite? Although that sounds dissembling - but it's not).

    But when somebody does/says something that really makes me happy, I show gratitude. I like to smile at people, and hug them (well, not complete passing-by-strangers), and thank them...

    I feel as if everything I wrote down doesn't make sense at all...my mind is kind of blank. Sorry...

    Anyway, I like receiving gratitude, although sometimes it makes me feel uncomfortable, because I really love helping other people. It's enough, if I can make someone happy, and it doesn't matter, if that's a good friend, or a stranger asking for directions or how to buy a train ticket (small things count, right?)...

    And for me it's more important to receive gratitude from a friend than a stranger (I feel stupid?). Because, when you know that your friends really need you and want you in their lives...it's a feeling I appreciate most...maybe because it's so rare, and I always absorb these moments.

    BTW are there differences between different countries? I don't think that Germany is a very polite country...most people are pushing and don't care about the others. And I really hate it, when you're in a shop, and the assistant doesn't even look at you, or doesn't say hello or goodbye...that's just rude. When I was in England everybody constantly said Thank you...I don't know if that's honest, or if they're just used to doing that.

    I better stop now...

    But: I am very, very, very grateful that you write this blog. I love to read your stories, to comment, and to read what others think. It's amazing. =)

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    1. Becki, I think there are people all over the world who just don't show respect. Then there are people that do. Humans are very odd beings!!
      I have been in shops here in the states and have the owner never look at me. I've had then sit there, on their phone having a chat while I, and others, are waiting to pay. Rudeness is everywhere, my friend. But so is kindness.

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    2. Becki, I think you made perfect sense and I so appreciate your honesty and thoughts here! I always find what you say amazing and sincere and to the point. As for the politeness thing, that drives me crazy too. Thankfully, we don't have to follow their lead, but can make our own rules :)

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    3. Steph, I hate that!
      Why do they have to chat with friends instead of being nice to customers? Annoys me every time...

      Aww, loved your last sentence! =) You're right.

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    4. Barbara...awww thank you! :) You're so lovely.^^
      Let's spread gratitude!

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  16. I'm feeling a bit silly. :)

    so here's my short silly responses to the questions:

    1. Absolutely not!!! I'm a huge fan of random acts of kindness!
    2. It depends. Some people are like yay, you're being super nice. And other times people are like, what's in it for you??
    3. It is totally awesome!!!! I recently posted a thing on Facebook about how I am promising to be a good, nonjudgmental friend (several people close to me are going through some rough patches/making REALLY stupid decisions and it's hard to be objective sometimes), and it just boiled down to "I don't care how screwed up you think you are, I love you and I'm still going to be your friend. I will not judge you." That's it. That was about 10 minutes ago and already i've had people comment saying "thank you" and "you have a great attitude".

    It goes a long way. It really does. :)

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    1. If this is "silly", I LOVE it, Holly!! So sweet. And the best answer/response ever. I'm going to keep that one tucked away.

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    2. I don't think it's silly. ;)
      I use to do that, too...whenever my friends act strange or do things I don't appreciate (like you know..serious stuff - no crimes, though), I say to them: Don't worry...no matter what I will love you, and don't judge you.
      I'm very loyal.^^

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  17. Good to hear you had a good birthday, Barb! And to answer your questions:

    1) Yes, yes, yes, I am far too shy shy to share with strangers. Which should come as no surprise, since I'm as far from being a people person as one can possibly get.

    2) On those rare occasions when I do share my gratitude, the reaction is usually surprise that I've actually opened my mouth and said something. But aside from that, the response is almost always positive.

    3) The receiving end? Not so good at it. But Deb has inspired me to try and become better at it, so we'll see how it goes.

    Please don't get me wrong, I feel gratitude often (well, not so much lately, but that's a story for another day). It's the sharing that really throws me for a loop... *sigh*

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    1. Yup, I hear you, sweetie. But baby steps, right? And so great to see you, April!

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    2. Aww...April.
      I'm worse at receiving than at giving.^^

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  18. It sounds like you had a wonderful birthday, Barb, good for you!
    I have to admit I find it hard to communicate gratitude with strangers. And to receive it, from anyone, is supremely difficult. Like you, Deb, I find myself praying for more grace to handle it with. It gets very awkward for me. But hey, it'll come and one day I'll be able to receive and pass it on to strangers =)

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    1. As I said to April, I think it's baby steps and practice. Both ways gets easier. And is obviously appreciated. And lovely. And happy. And good. And... :) Thanks, Aimee, for being so great!!

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  19. Ahh if we are sharing our gratitude I must say that this bolg is the top of my list:)
    But I am very very shy. I make sure to say thank you to my mom when ever she cooks dinner and I am good at remembering to say thanks when my parents or grandparents buy me something. but other than those times I am painfully shy. But now that I thought about it for here I guess I can work on that a bit : )
    Glad the birthdays all went well :)

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    1. You've always made us feel very appreciated here and express yourself so well. Let me know if you can stretch outside your comfort zone in real life ... and how it feels. Thank you!!!

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