Wednesday, November 7, 2012

The Agony Of Tipping


Barbara: For the record, I have absolutely nothing against tipping! I’m happy that hard-working individuals get their tips—especially when they’ve earned it. Tipping doesn’t make me feel angry or upset or unfairly taken advantage of. But still it does stress me the hell out!

The other day I was sitting in a hair salon waiting room and there was an article about a brand new salon that had raised the wages for their stylists and eschewed tipping of any kind from their clients. I had an immediate affinity for the place. The choir may even have hit that harmonious final note deep inside my mind. Why? Because tipping—how much, how, where, when—turns what for all intents and purposes is a lovely, indulgent experience for me into a suddenly nerve-wracking one.

Is it enough, too much, do I tip here or at the checkout, do I have cash or is the debit tip okay, if I’m splitting the bill, is the other person tipping enough (do I have to make up the difference), do I tip the dog groomer, the valet, the owner of the biz, I’m sure you can think of more questions to add to this list…

I know this is an ultimate in 1st-world problems. Of course, tipping is only applicable to indulgent experiences. But there is a whole modus operandi where tipping is involved, and I would love to have a definitive answer to these questions! Even as I sat in that salon pondering the whole question, my friend turned to me and whispered frantically that she would love some tipping guidance. I realized then that I wasn’t alone! My answer, though, far from helping, only stressed us both further: were we doing it right? Had we ever?

You know, here’s what I think: I would really love for tipping to not be an issue. In France, the tip is included in the bill. When you see your final tally, that amount includes the “service charge”. You can round up, you can even add a bit of a tip, but your servers are covered. The credit machines don’t even include a tip as an option (as they do here—which I love, because that’s my other stress: the math of it!). Truly, I would rather have that—one relatively unquestionable final amount. I see it, I know what it is, I pay it. Everyone gets their due and fair share. And, really, it must be stressful for the service industry folks too: will I get that 15% or will my client unfairly stiff me?

What do you think? What do you do? You’ve enjoyed that dinner out, the manicure, the haircut, the massage, the coffee, whatever. You’ve immersed yourself into a pampered, even decadent state—do you then pull yourself out of it and agonize over the unwritten rules and regulations, or are you a cool tipping machine? Or maybe you yourself rely on tips? What do you think? Is there an easier, fairer, more delicate answer? Or am I making too much of it?

Give me some tips on the tip, please.

Deb: Oh my goodness, do I have thoughts! I was a waitress for years. Depended on my tips. Counted on my tips! Even when I lied and said the cappuccino machine was broken ... which was often ... and specific to my shifts. I think that your waitstaff, if they are great, deserve every penny you can spare them. And Yet ... I resent having to pay their salary. I felt this when I was doing it for YEARS and still do. I resent that the employer does not value the staff member that is carrying his or her business. And yet, I still tip. Because the smiling face taking my order does not make the rules.

51 comments:

  1. Nope...you're not alone hon! And a BIG SQUEEZE from me Coz I had the same dilemma today. Mom is a little sick and she cant eat because of the nausea so I decided to order food from McDonald's. And I know they cover the tip in the delivery charges.But like Deb said she tips because she has experienced being in the shoes. I tip because I put myself in their shoes.

    It works for me. Maybe you should do what YOU think is right. Like I know sometimes you're with a friend and if you're splitting the bill that is a dilemma coz you have NO IDEA what you're stance should be. Again I say the same thing, trust your instinct.

    I tip...everytime everywhere I go. Because I know that it might mean more to them than to us. Like Deb said, the sweet person taking our order doesnt make the rules. So Yeah I tip. Generously sometimes depending on how the server was too.

    And try this however you tip, always attach a big smile and a big hearty "THANK-YOU". And honestly that brightens their day..a lot of times! Trust me it does!

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    1. Oh, I totally agree -- like I said, I don't mind tipping people, I like to show my appreciation, and I think I'm a generous tipper. And I certainly show and express appreciation for those who deserve it! My question is more about the stress of it, and how it would be great - like Deb said - if these people were paid what they deserved in the first place -- even with an included tip -- and didn't have to rely on the vagaries of each individual customer. To me, that would be great for everyone!

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    2. YES YES YES!! I totally agree. If they were paid what they deserved that would be great for everyone! But that is the thing. We cant find out that. That does add some stress to tipping. But also the way they behave is a way we know how to make it easier in some ways too.

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    3. Shalaka, how is food from McDonalds good for your mom and nausea??? Please explain.:)

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    4. Oh no..thats not what I meant! haha... Lemme explain. My mom is the one who cooks at home coz I cant and I hate it. (I'm learning but not so confident. I can still risky for humans. And I love animals so thats out of the question.) And she has this condition called 'vertigo' that makes her dizzy and nauseous. So she is on fruit juices. and anyway I was gonna have lunch with a friend today I canceledd coz I couldnt leave her alone. And I decided to order food from McDonald's for MYSELF! :D lol and funnily enough SHE HATES MCDONALDS!! She's a typical Indian woman even if she goes to a top restaurant...she'll order dal, rice and a spicy 'bhaji' :P

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    5. Its still risky I meant. I was trying to make it look like I can cook...but....well it is what it is!

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    6. Shalaka, have you mom find out if she has benign positional vertigo. There is a test, it can be an easy fix and often it is missed as a reason for vertigo. It is when the particles in your inner ear get out of place and a simple maneuver puts them back. Any ear, nose and throat doctor should know how or a neurologist. I get it every few years and so the procedure and I am good for another few years. Please check it out.

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    7. Ohhh Madge you're a darling!! Yes I will!! Aww If its that...It'll help her so much! Thanks Madge, thanks a ton! xoxo

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    8. I've had benign positional vertigo (twice). Ugh. The last time, I couldn't move out of bed for a week because the world was spinning so badly for me. I could barely eat, and it honestly felt like half of my brain was under a concrete block. They put me on medication to help with the nausea.

      Shalaka, I hope your mom gets well soon!

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    9. Ohhh yikes!!!! That mustve been......Bad.

      Ohh and Thanks! She is doing better. I think its the same thing! Coz she didnt move all day yesterday. And everything she ate or drank, she was vomiting it out..Nothing stayed in her system! She's feelin better now. We'll talk to the doc about the positional vertigo thingy!

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  2. Oh and...I dont want to go OFF topic but..I really cannot hold this in anymore...

    OBAMA WON!!!!!!!!! LOVE IT. LOVE IT. LOVE IT!!!!

    I woke up and thats the first thing I heard. MADE.MY.DAY! Also because I was kinda feeling down, mom got nausea suddenly last night.But she's doing better now, sleeping right now. But boy that news brought a smile on my face! :)

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    1. Even though in Canada, we're pretty divided between "conservatives" and "liberals", we are 90% in favour of Obama winning. Funny how American politics united us!

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    2. Ha! It is. But I think its amazing to know that there is A guy who can ACTUALLY change things....for a change!

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    3. Wohoo! for Obama. According to one online test, I should have voted for the Libertarian candidate... :)

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  3. My simple rule for tipping is if they do a good job, I leave a tip, if they do a great job, I leave a larger tip, and if they do a terrible job, no tip, but I might leave something to let them know that I was not happy with them, such as a comment card. I also have no problem asking for a manager when there is a big problem with a waiter/waitress because I deserve to get what I ordered and a human level of respect. I don't act disrespectful to the staff because I appreciate the service and goods they are providing for me.
    When it comes to getting my hair cut, I always tip (I always have it done by the same person). I tend to tip well for this since I don't have it done all the time.
    The main thing that bothers me is when they ask you if you are going to need change back, or if they need to wait for a tip. To me, that is disrespectful and I usually don't tip, or I leave the tip in pennies. Yes, I am that person that carries a lot of change for those situations!

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  4. My sons have taught me about tipping Barb, because they have all worked in the restaurant business. Unfortunately, in that business, they work extremely hard and get paid very little and have to do it with a smile on their faces and be cheerful to clients. So they have taught me how important tipping is to the wait staff. So, for me the rule of thumb in a restaurant is 20%. I am different for hairdresser, manicures, etc, but in a restaurant it is a no brain er unless the service was bad.

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    1. Oh, I totally totally get this. It's stories like that which encourage me to be a generous tipper, especially with wait staff. That said, as Deb asks, why aren't they paid well? And what would happen if that "service charge" were rolled in there and everyone would know that the person serving would get their fair deal in the end? No stress, no mess...

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    2. Except it wouldn't be a fair deal for the customer if the service was crappy, which, since a tip is guaranteed ... would burn my banana as the person paying "extra" for poor service.

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    3. I get that too, Kate, but in my experience really crappy service (in restaurants) is not that common. Most people deserve my 15-20% (and I talk to the manager when they don't).

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  5. I am a 20% or over tipper. If the service is awful, I drop to 15%. With hair, manicures, facials, waxing, tweezing and massages I tip differently. If they own their own place, no tip usually unless I am in a largess mood or they did something totally unique for that visit. But usually nothing as they have only their own overhead and I feel they put that in their prices. Also, at Christmas everyone gets a present but, this is where I am usually upset because as their customer, I feel they can give me a gift or a free polish or nail file or some lotion or a free something. Some actually do and with that said, I have been going to the same person for nails for over 19 years and everyone else over 7-10 years. They have become part of my family. Also, I also have extended loans too and just have them pay me back with services. All in all I believe someone who works hard and is on their feet everyday, pleasant and does a great job should be rewarded. However, as their kids started growing up I took them out of my gift giving for the holidays and birthdays:) I feel good about tipping and if in doubt give more if you can afford it.

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  6. I tip the people that wait on me in a reasterant,but i have to be honest and say i did not relize that i was suppost to tip my hair person or the person that does my nails. . I was not aware of tipping these people untile.a friend.said something to me about it. At least i know now.

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    1. Right! And that's exactly what I find so stressful...

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  7. I'm with everyone here on the tipping. I'm happy to tip and I try to be fair and generous, but it does cause me stress. (Math is not my forte, even for something as easy as figuring out 10% and doubling it.) I'm always afraid I'm going to get it wrong. I hate having to do it, but I am happy too. I know, it's a major contradiction.

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    1. And yet you express EXACTLY how I feel, Molly!! Fine about the reward part, not so fine about the stress part.

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  8. This is an interesting topic. And the issue is that virtually everywhere there are differing opinions. I remember being in Scotland in which tipping was considered to be quite rude. Holly can share her tipping story with the England pizza man, but it's a similar mindset. :\

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    1. I hope she does share it with us! And that's exactly it -- for some people a tip is an insult! So the whole venture is kinda ... fraught...

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  9. Where I live, tipping is so rare (apparently) that I usually have to FORCE a bill on the people who provide the service. They're embarrassed to be tipped. "Oh no! You don't have to! Are you sure?"
    I was a waitress quite a bit when I first entered the working world and tips didn't mean money to me so much as they meant appreciation and approval. So when a customer didn't tip, I wondered if I hadn't done a good enough job ... though I always had, because I busted my butt to make my customers happy.
    Now, I don't tip because I "ought" but because I want to make my server feel good. And, doing so makes me feel generous. So it's a win-win. And I do believe that what you put out, you get back in spades -- i.e. as long as I share my money, I'll never be broke.
    I always tip 20% or more as I like nice round numbers. The only time I don't tip at all is if the service sucks and I can see no obvious reason for that other than laziness on the part of the server. Or if they've been a dinkeye. Which is rare.

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    1. "a dinkeye" - hilarious!! I love your philosophy too. In fact, one of my favourite tipping stories is yours -- where you tip the guys who load your groceries, and they are so shocked and appreciative. That's niiiice.

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  10. I loved it when Obama came onstage last night to the tune of "Signed, sealed, delivered, I'm yours!" Oh yeah!!! That was so perfect.

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    1. I have to watch this still! I fell asleep before the speeches...

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  11. UGh Tipping makes my head hurt. I fail at percents in my head so I never have any idea how much to tip. I know 15 to 20% but it takes me 3 years and a calcuator to figure that out! lol. I think we should fix it to where waiters and such dont rely on tips to make up for where their paychecks leave off. If they were paid with the thought being they would get no tips then our tip would truly be for great service instead of us feeling like it was a mandatory thing because they don't get paid enough as it is.
    That sounded a lot smoother and concise in my head..... hopefully you all get the idea.

    Oh and just wanted to do a little happy dance re: the elections. For Maine and Washington who approved gay marriage!! And for having elected a gay women to ....I think it was senate.... could be wrong there. But I see this as a huge step for America. More so than wether we picked Obama or Romney. We finally got some of our act together and decided that denying someone basic human rights was wrong. Way to go USA!!

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    1. I agree, Kelly, it's wonderful! As for the tip thoughts -- I understand EXACTLY what you mean! so relate.

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  12. Oh, the tipping. Always need to find info about that when traveling. Somewhere it is 10%, usually 15% and I think this is the first time I hear people giving 20%. We have no tipping. If you get a bill in a restaurant, you will not see service there. The price already includes everything. No free refills either. I remember telling people, who have tried to offer me tip, that they are hurting my feelings. If I do something good to other people, I really do not need any compensation for it. (I have lived in tourist area, where there were quite many foreign tourists.) I do have to point out that in the Capital City they are starting to adopt the tipping practices, which is ludacris to me. The prices are already really high and they want to add tipping??

    Yes I do tip when I am abroad. I have also asked from a hairdresser that how much should I tip as I was not done it before. Best advice that I was given was to always give something. When you leave 5 snt they will know that you didn't forget to leave the tip, but the service was worth that much. (This was when I was living in Florida.)

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    1. And so many people who provide excellent service never get tipped - like the great salesclerk or hotel concierge, etc. Good service is still a product of a good individual, not whether there are tips or not.

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  13. I don't really understand why you tip. Do waitstaff not get paid by their employers? Or do they get a base wage that isn't quite enough and then the tips complete it?
    In New Zealand we don't tip and I gotta say, I'm relieved about that every time I hear someone panicking about their tipping knowledge.
    Actually when I first read the word 'tipping' in the title, I thought you meant tipping cows =P

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    1. Hilarious! Next post will be about tipping cows :) (kidding, I would never tip a cow)
      Yes, the theory goes that wait staff here do not get paid enough and therefore need the tip to survive. I ask, Why???

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    2. I mean: "Why not pay them enough?"

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  14. Ah, my British tipping story.

    Our first night in our flat in England we all decided to be completely and hopelessly American and order pizza for dinner. We had it delivered to our flat and my roommate and I met him at the front door. Before that all of us had chipped in a pound or two to give to the pizza guy as a tip. Because that's just what you do! Anyway, our pizza came and when we gave him the tip he was like "Um...what is this?" He had NO IDEA and probably thought we were all out of our minds. But my roommate politely told him that it was a tip and that it was his to keep. The look on his face......I will never forget it! I think we made his entire year! :)

    I generally overtip. I don't fuss with all the math stuff; if my service was good I usually give $5, regardless of my bill, perhaps a little more if I went to a pricier place (which doesn't happen often...trust me; if my service not so good, maybe 3 or 4 dollars. Both of my parents used to be waiters. A lot of my peers that I graduated from Berea with six months ago are now waiters/waitresses and they literally LIVE on tips. I know in Lexington (one of Kentucky's largest cities that's literally 40ish minutes from us) their servers make WAY LESS than minimum wage. However, there's a local place in my hometown that my parents frequent at and they just stopped tipping. Which was ODD for me. Now if someone tries to tip there they just collect it all and send it off to a charity or something. Which is awesome.

    But yeah...other than the glaring exception of our bewildered pizza guy, when I was in the UK you just didn't tip.

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    1. But what a great story for him! As for tip amount, I also generally give way more than the 15% at a cheaper, diner-type place. If I ate a muffin and coffee and sat there being served, I don't want that poor server to walk away with $1.50 on a $10.00 meal (math made simple here, btw, a coffee and muffin, even in TO would be way less than 10 bucks). Also, love the charity-through-tips story!

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  15. I'm just whipping through this real quick in between errands so I haven't caught up on all the comments. Maybe someone else has already said something about this.

    I'm not often in a situation where tipping is relevant. LOL But, on those woohoo! occasions that I'm out and paying for a sit down meal, if I have really, really good service, I tip in a bigtime extra way. (Afterall, I remember my young waitressing days!) BUT, also, in the case of exceptionally good service, I make a point of asking to speak with the manager to brag on the server. If the restaurant is part of a chain, I also make a point asking if there's a corporate website or phone number I could contact to acknowledge the server's superior service.

    In this day and time of service industry people finding their hours and pay cut due to the economic fall-out, good customer feedback to a manager about a server can often be what helps that server out when it comes to the manager scheduling hours. It could mean more to that server's pay than just the tip. It could be an additional shift that otherwise might not have been in the next month's schedule.

    On the flip side, I'm also not averse to complaining to the manager about poor service. I see it as an effort to get something better going for future patrons, to hopefully keep their experience (which they're spending $$ on) from being spoiled.

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  16. I think the manager (etc) is an excellent go-to for the good and the bad. How better to confirm someone's service? Tips are so... vague (although, do want to reiterate, I do NOT begrudge the recipients of tips, just the whole protocol, not-being-paid-enough-by-their-industries thing). Thanks for taking the time to share these, Rigel!

    Oh, and if anyone gets a chance: go back to yesterday's blog-post and read Rigel's touching commentary on her experience working at her polling station. So beautiful!

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  17. I was just thinking about this today! When I'm travelling, I often don't have enough information about the tipping culture. It's hard enough to know what to do at home! Today, for example, we had breakfast at a little beach-side cafe, and I saw the owner add 10% to the bill. My sister and I weren't sure if that was the tip, or some kind of tax. We decided it was the tip and didn't leave anything, but how are we to know?
    Tipping is awkward all around, I think. When I was working in a coffee shop, I depended on my tips, but few people tipped much if anything. When I was working in a kitchen, it didn't feel fair that the servers got 90% of the tips when they were only paid $2 an hour less than I was, and I was doing the hot and sweaty work! But now I specifically leave kitchen tips if the food is excellent, so I know that the people cooking the food get it, too. Still, it'd be easier if people were just paid what the job is worth.

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    1. That's right, you're in Costa Rica!! So excited for you. Beach-side, cafe, ahhhhh! I can't remember the tipping policy in CR -- is it included like in Europe? Maybe it's a good question to ask. And PS I've often wondered about the disparity in the restaurant workplace, that the servers get that extra percentage, but no one else does. And yet, they work soooo hard too!

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  18. Tipping is confusing when i'm not in a restaurant because, like Barb said, i have no idea what percentage i should tip. Also, i think that tipping is good because it's like a reward for good service. Although I do wish that they wouldn't require tips to get a decent wage because, like Deb said, they deserve more pay for their work/ respect from their employer.
    However, I hate mandatory tipping because tips are what you give after you are done eating and you thank them for their service, but when it's mandatory that could be the worst server ever and you would still have to tip them.

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    1. That's why I figure we might as well roll in the tip -- we're paying the bad servers as often as the good ones! (I still think really good or bad service deserves a comment to management.)

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  19. Oh. Yeah. The change thing. That BURNS ME UP. I don't know if it's like this everywhere, but the HIGHLY ANNOYING norm that has developed around here in recent years is wait staff not bringing back exact change. For example, if my change from paying my bill was supposed to be $2.75, only bringing $2. Or, my change was supposed to be $6, and they only bring back a $5 bill.

    So far, luckily, I've never had it happen so egregiously that I've called the person back to say, "No. I want ALL my change." I'm waiting for the day someone tries to take more than coins or $1. That's not gonna be a pretty day for that waiter. I assure you.

    Anyway...

    You know what? You keep back some of my money? You don't take the time and effort to count out exact change? Good grief, people, it's not like you're being asked to shlep a 90 pound backpack up a 30% incline for 2 miles. It's seeing the change the cash register tells you, counting it out, and bringing it back with the receipt. GEEZ!!! You're being presumptuous and lazy. Plain and simple. You ASSUME you get to keep part of my change as part of the tip? Guess what. Whatever you kept, that little bit you STOLE in your arrogant presumptuousness, greediness, and LAZINESS is your tip. No matter how big the bill was. It could've been a $40 ticket for 2 people. You kept back 80cents? That's your tip, asshat.

    BURNS ME UP.

    And, I am not above explaining to a manager on the way out why I didn't leave a proper tip. And, I'm also not above writing a note on the ticket politely explaining why they've only got a 62cent or whatever tip. I see it as maybe, just maybe, having things go better for the next customer.

    I've also noticed an interesting correlation. The really good waiters? The really great service? It's never been one of those people who've pulled this stunt. It's always someone who is minimally average at best or has provided downright negligent service, barely tippable to begin with. And, that behavior apparently has continued into the paying part of the dining process.

    The ARROGANCE and LAZINESS! UGH!!!

    I once asked a restaurant manager I know if this is an accepted norm for his restaurant chain, if this is something servers are trained is OK. He was AGHAST. No, no, no he assured me. They aren't supposed to be doing that. It's not at all acceptable company policy. I looked at him and said, "Dude. It's the norm for your people." His whole body slumped.

    HUGE PET PEEVE OF MINE. *grumble, growl, snarl* Totally burns me up.

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    1. Well, that's weird! I've never heard of that one!! I find that rude too. Maybe the manager will rectify...

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  20. First, the election - It was awesome! President Obama reelected, 13 female senators elected, and gay marriage approved in 4 different states. As Craig Ferguson says, it's a great day for America!!! :-)

    Now, the tipping : I'm as confused as you, Barb. Who to tip, when, where, how much. It makes going out far too stressful! Restaurants are fairly easy - 20% or so if the service is good. (I'm not so good at handling things if the service is bad, but Momma knows how to fix it.) It's all the other stuff I get confused about, like at hair and nail salons. Fortunately, I only get my hair cut once or twice a year, and never do the nails, so it's not a problem I face often. Still, it's all far too baffling!!

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    1. And stressful, right? That's what bugs me about it... Wish people got paid what they deserve right off the bat!

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