Monday, February 6, 2012

Dream A Little Dream With Me

Barbara: Do you like to talk dreams? Because lately a friend keeps asking me to pay attention to them—out of curiosity, but also out of interest as to what they might dredge up—and it made me realize that I haven’t thought about my dreams in a long while.
(Costa Rica: photo by Phil)
I’m not one to believe that our dreams can predict our future or the future or any aspect of it (although I do believe that there is a certain kind of person for whom this might be true). But I do think that dreams are manifestations of our questions or concerns or stresses or even joys.

In the morning when I wake, I hardly ever remember my dreams. It was only several years ago when I was doing some research and was encouraged to really try and remember them that I made a concerted effort to recall details as soon as I woke up. And it worked! Suddenly I could see the strange places I’d been in my dreams that were kinda like familiar places in real life but then not. I began to write the details down in a journal that I kept beside my bed, and that process helped me remember the dreams with even greater clarity. This ritual was so effective that to this day I remember dreams I had during that period. (Okay, there was this one where I’m an amphibian creature crawling around a vividly verdant rainforest floor but I’m also looking at my creature-self from above, way up high from the lush trees, also trying to crane my eyes over the tree-line to the blue sky beyond it, when suddenly my amphibian self says, very clearly over the rainforest whoooosh, “What you’re looking for is not up there. It’s down here on the ground.” Even though it was my dream, I still think that’s a cool, apt life-reminder for any of us, no?)
(Costa Rica: photo by Phil)
Anyway, the cataloguing-dreams thing was just an exercise and pretty soon I dropped the habit and began again to jump out of bed as soon as I woke to hit the ground running. Dreams went back to being what they’d been before, these distant, vague, sometimes unsettling, sometimes blank impressions … and nothing more. 

So I decided to heed my friend’s recent advice and from now on spend a few moments every morning trying to remember my dreams. At first it was frustrating. I couldn’t remember a thing. And what’s worse, I could feel the memory of the dream zinging away from my mind’s-eye like a yo-yo, now here, now gone up from whence it came. But I realized that if I really worked to grab the memory back before it was too far flung(!), the details would rack into focus and I could examine it, turning it first one way and then the other until it made some kind of coherent sense. Now I can tell you with complete confidence that each of my dreams (much like the amphibian dream) has featured me looking for something. But in an intent, calm, and specific way. Either I’m asking people questions, or I’m searching my house (but not my house, rather that weird, dreamly version of it), or I’m off in some distant land, exploring and discovering it. Or—like in last night’s dream—I’m either a newly minted police officer or an actor learning to be one, and I’m taking all these notes and being super anal and asking all these questions about how the sleuthing should be done but also giving my (unsolicited) opinion when I think the sleuthing could be more effective (sadly, this is so me, sigh).

The thing is, I don’t know what I’m searching for in essence through all these dreams, but it does make sense to me that this is the conundrum I’d take into my REM: what is it? what is next? where is it all leading? what will I find? will I know what to do with it when I find it?

There’s a really weird side-note to all this: the same friend who started this interesting dream-quest also reminded me about that pen I lost all those years ago—and she challenged me to be open to finding it. So I’m lying in bed this morning, freshly awake, remembering that police-slash-actor-training dream in all its strange detail and suddenly my thoughts go to that errant pen, out of nowhere. And I get this deeply aware feeling that I know where it is. And it’s an option I’d long ago forgotten. I see it with another person. A person who said they didn’t have it way back then. As I said, an option I looked into and then put aside in favour of searching high and low in my own home. I’m not saying I believe it was stolen, I’m saying I just suddenly felt it was gone to this other, unreachable place. A real pen’s real whereabouts … or a metaphor for something else?

Are dreams speaking to us from some place we don’t ever tap into in waking life, or are they simply a wild kind of movie-version of what we already know? Is it the truth … or is it all just a dream?

Deb: Fascinating and timely subject, Barb—for me too. I am finding of late the insomnia seems to be the order of the day for me. Or I should say, order of the night. 3am to 6am to be specific. My feeling around this is that my dreams and wakefulness are a manifestation of that which I cannot face.

Although my day is filled with positive active movement regards the changes in my Mom and Dad’s life, my dreams are filled with doubt and self-judgment. When I wake up sometimes it is all I can do to shake them. But shake them I do. I know these images and feelings are the part of me that wants to plant the seed of self-doubt. And I guess if I had to choose, I’d take them during sleep rather than during a waking moment, which might affect my life or someone else’s life. So, yeah, I think the dreams are what we don’t and won’t tap into. I also think they are daring adventures that an unused part of our brain’s spirit wants to go on. And if we won’t go willingly, it takes us regardless.

You have inspired me to the dream journal, Barb. I have a splendid one that my husband bought me in Italy. A lovely brown leather deal with the moon and stars stitched on the cover. I will wait till this period of my life is settled and then I will start recording in it, not my dreams but the images and feelings provoked as a result of them. It’s pointless to do it right now though, as I know all too well which part of my brain this oddness and fear is coming from—and why. But soon, I will crack it open. Look out, brain, here I come. 

63 comments:

  1. Gosh.....I feel so honoured :D...Barb its amazing !!!! I loved it....Loved to read that amphibian dream...it truly spoke to you !!! what a wonderful advice.....But lemme tell ya something...Ive tried remembering my dreams...but sometimes it makes me crazy....I think look for the feeling....I mean...How you felt whilst dreaming....And the moment you consciously recognize that....I think when you move throughout your day....you will go approach that subject that your dream is trying to speak to you about....you'll approach it like you had an IMPULSE to approach it.....I guess once you know what it is...it becomes subtle anyway.
    SO YOU FOUND THE PEN ?????????
    And Deb dont worry sweetheart Ive had doubt and self judgement dreams a lot ! and when you said "I had to choose, I’d take them during sleep rather than during a waking moment"...So weird...this is exactly what I was gonna tell ya.....isnt it good that its coming in your dream state than wake state ?? I mean....now you will be more prepared....and trust me...if any doubt or self judgement situation comes...you'll know what to do !! because you are AWARE of it now !!!! :D
    Barb.....Gal I love you for this post
    *tackle-hug*!!!!!! :)

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    1. This was so much fun to write about. Conjures up so much memory stuff. Thanks, Shalaka! I really like your observation that if you deal with a stress in a dream, it helps you cope better when you must deal with it in real life. Reassuring! xoxo

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    2. No problem sweetie...we'll talk more about it !! xoxo

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  2. I can totally relate to this post. My dreams are sometimes so real and the characters/people in them are so vivid that it is hard to tell if it's something real sometimes. A lot of my dreams are about what is going on in my life. For example, last semester I was working on a huge literary project over a certain novel and I could not for the life of me decide how to end the essay. I went back and forth, and I just could not decide. I was stressed because it would determine my final grade for the course. I had dreams during that period of time that I believe gave me the ending to my essay. I also had dreams before starting the essay when I was still trying to decide on a topic to argue in the essay.

    I often dream about my classes and the people I already know and I have had those deja vu moments in reality that I just know that I already went through this or that action or conversation, but in my dreams.

    I also have those off-the-wall dreams where I'm on an adventure or performing on a stage or something like that. I also dream about whatever the last thing I saw on TV or whatever book I am currently reading, which can be interesting. My dreams can be pretty vivid and detailed, which I find rather interesting.

    Self-doubt and judgment is, unfortunately, something that we all, even I, experience. I try to think positively before going to sleep to avoid any sort of negative dreams and it works pretty well. Looking at a photo that means something to you right before you close your eyes may also help, I've tried it.

    Happy Dreaming, ladies!

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    1. Actually this really resonates with me too. If I have s story conundrum when I'm writing, my sleep time often brings me the perfect answer. It's amazing! Love the suggestion of looking at the photo before sleep.

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    2. Steph, that is sucha perfect advice to focus upon positive thoughts.....or things that are going well before we go to sleep...It does work well !!! You wake up with the biggest smile on your smile !! and I agree with Barb....looking at a photo is a really great suggestion !! Thanks!

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  3. I love it when I dream, dreaming is,like. a story book in the mind.. lately though, I have been more day dreaming. so I hope this counts.. I tend to day dream,a lot. When I day dream I dream about,my family,or friend or things that I would love to do,in,my life.,. see, I always heard that dreams mean something, and that when you have a dream , you should I try to figured out what it means, but I really think that some dreams dnt need to be interpreted, and instead just let them happen. hope I didn't go too far off subject...

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    1. Not at all! In fact, I'd even say that daydreams and dreams kinda allow us to explore lives and experiences that don't need to be things we actually NEED to do (or even want to do) in real life, but can just be that, a fantasy ... that is all just a dream. Love this.

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  4. I'm with Deb and Barb. I usually do not remember my dreams AT ALL. But just recently I remembered one, down to the details (a TV stand full of books with a pirate ship steering wheel mounted in the center...so random!). It was crazy; I haven't had this happen to me since I was a kid!

    I daydream a lot too, Lyndsie! (8am classes for 2 hours will do that to you :D)

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    1. Even if the dream doesn't mean anything per se, there is something really intense about remembering them afterward. Did you get any meaning out of it, or did it just amuse???

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    2. Mostly amusing! :D Lately I've been dreaming about my graduation day, hugging all my friends, family, professors, getting way too many pictures of me taken, holding my degree in my hands!

      3 MONTHS!

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  5. I rarely remember my dreams but last night's was so weird with a rake left by a gardener for my friend in her house. Why I was sleeping at her house I don't know and the cast of characters were all her friends (it was like I was house sitting) with some weird folks. One went by ambulance for an apparent stroke (I was coordinating the entire scene) and I had help from from a guy who I think was my painter/handy person and in the chaos my cell phone was stolen by someone. I thought it was by a team of little boy thieves that all went to the same catholic school but then another group of all girls came by with their teacher and I made them all show me their cellphones to see if was in their backpacks and some had much fancier phones than I did. Never found the phone but did call my friend to let her know two checks had come for her and then she was in the room asking about the rake and also her friend and I said had no idea what hospital she was taken to as I was still in my pajamas and couldn't go with her.
    If anyone seems anything in this dream let me know. It was so convoluted. Could be all related to a sleep aid I take each night so I sleep the whole night through (Yay for trazadone). Lol all the way through as I wrote this. I am so weird.

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    1. This made me lol too, Madge!! So random and yet specific too. It would be cool to disseminate!

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  6. Sometimes I remember my dreams. Sometimes I don't. Usually they revolve around my day and rewind a part of it...doing something different compared to what really happened. This happens a lot. Good reminder that next time I do better :]

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    1. Ah, so you are getting something out of your dreams, message-wise. That's what I find interesting.

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  7. Dreams...I love to dream.
    Everything can be possible. Everything can happen.

    I usually dream of things that happened the previous day, or things I watched/read/listened to.

    Last night I dreamed that my car was damaged by a gigantic crane, because my Dad told me that there are some scratches on my car...Huh?

    And my dreams are often weird and bad. I dreamed of murders, blood, crazy people chasing me, setting fire to my house...whatever (one time I dreamed of walking through a forest, where people were hanged from branches - and it didn't really scare me).
    But I'm not somebody, who wakes up sweating and screaming. Makes me feel like a zombie.

    I can have nice dreams, too. I always want to write them down, but I most of the time I forget them (you know, when you just wake up, everything is present, but as soon as you start to move, it fades away, and you can't remember it anymore).

    And the whole "Déjà vu" thing is so interesting. I often have them, but are they really dreams? I don't know. I don't think you can dream whole conversations and stuff...

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    1. I think those scary kind of dreams must have something to do with our insecurities, no? But the happy ones are so great to have. I had one the other night after a really interesting day with a friend and I woke up LAUGHING. That was the best feeling ever!

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    2. I don't know...maybe.
      I mean I'm scared a lot. And I often try to hide my true feelings. Maybe they come out and play in my dreams. And I have a lot of troubles sleeping. I can't sleep, when there are noises of any kinds...*sighs*

      I prefer the nice dreams, too!
      Never woken up laughing, though, but that sounds awesome!

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  8. Oh, Deb. Me, too. I can be tired from the day and fall asleep around 11:00 or even earlier, but then I wake up at around 2am, and I'm royally screwed. Usually, I can doze back off around 4:30am or so and get a couple of more hours of sleep before the alarm clock, but not always. I have horrible middle of the night insomnia, too. And, a lot of the the times, it's a nightmare that's woken me up in the middle of the night. And, I can't shake it off. When I try to doze back off, the same nightmare picks back up! So, I get up, go pee, get some water, etc. hoping to reboot my dreaming, and then I end up awake and rattling around the apartment for 2-3 hours in the middle of the night.

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  9. I have 3 recurrent nightmares that I don't know the origin of or understand the meaning of. But, I've had them for decades.

    I remember the 1st time I had the elevator nightmare. I was in my 2nd year at university, and I woke up completely startled in the daylight of morning in my dorm room. The elevator in that dream was the one in the Ferg, the student union (just a 3 story building!). For the next few days, I had an eerie, creeped out feeling in my gut whenever I rode in that particular elevator. But, over the years, it's just become any ole anonymous elevator in any ole tall building in the nightmare. My recurrent nightmare is plunging to my death in an elevator that is plummeting, accelerating toward its date with gravity fueled doom. And, it's a looong fall, and I'm having lots of time to realize that I'm about to die and try to process that and all the thinking that comes with that. Sometimes, I'm in the elevator by myself. Sometimes, with strangers. Sometimes, with someone I know. I have this nightmare a few times a year. The last time I had this dream was a few months ago, and it was a particularly icky go around with my old nemesis, the plunging to my death in an elevator nightmare, because that time, along with some strangers, there was someone very dear to me in the elevator, too, and, in the midst of the fall, I clawed my way over to that person to lay my hand on that person's back, and he whirled around and spoke hate at me. And, I thought, "The last thing I'm going to know before I die is hate and rejection from someone I love." After jerking awake from that one and feeling heinously gutted, I told myself, "Welllll, I'd rather to go back to the regular plunging to my death years old version, please." UGH!

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    1. Wow. I 've actually got stuck in an elevator that went from the fifth floor to the basement, then back up, then down, and just kept doing this. Finally the doors openned and I ran out. Extremely frightening.

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  10. The 2nd recurrent nightmare I have a few times a year is the one where all my teeth crumble and fall out at the same time for no apparent reason. I've been having this nightmare since my early 20's. The dream will be just kicking along all regular and boring, usually set on a sunny afternoon and involving being outside with people for some reason, and the blood will start. The course of the nightmare is that I start spitting out mouthfuls of blood onto the dirt. Then, I feel hard bits of tooth mixed in with the blood, and the first 3 or 4 teeth crumble and are spit with the blood onto the ground. I go inside a house to the bathroom and stand at the bathroom sink looking into the mirror and spitting out mouthfuls of blood and broken teeth into the sink. For no known reason, all of my teeth are crumbling and falling out, and I'm becoming toothless. Every now and then, a person comes into the bathroom to check on me, but they are very nonchalant about the whole thing, acting like it's no big deal, kinda a, "Well, that sucks. OK, whatever, I gotta get back outside," kinda attitude. Or, glossing over what's happening with an, "Oh, a dentist can fix that," shrug. Or, being aggravated with me because the blood is gross and I'm being a bother that's getting in the way of everyone's fun afternoon. Meanwhile, I'm becoming more and more terrified as there is more and more blood and clotting coming from my mouth and less and less bits of teeth left. And, the nightmare always ends with me jerking awake because, in the dream, I've begun to gag and choke to death on the blood and bits of teeth even though I'm leaned over the sink and nothing should be pooling in the top of my throat.

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    1. This is creepy...I don't have elevator nightmares, but I hate these things, and try to avoid them whenever I can. I always see myself plunging to death.

      And the teeth thing. That is a nightmare, I sometimes have. That's one of my greatest fears. That I lose my teeth. I'm always relieved when I wake up, and feel for my teeth, and they're all in correct order.

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    2. "Feel for my teeth" -- Becki, I totally get that! LOLOL

      OK, on a happier note (all this talk of dreams and nightmares! time for a happier note, please!), here, Becki. Here's a happier finding teeth thing. lol ;)

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DUm5rM4fQxs

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  11. The 3rd recurrent nightmare is one I've had a couple of times a year since my mid-late 20's. There's always a gathering of some sort like at a restaurant or at a church covered dish supper or something. I'm there with a group of people I know, and we are in the midst of a larger crowd of strangers. Usually, there are members of my family there, too, like my mother and some aunts and uncles. And, it's cloudy and gonna rain but doesn't seem to be an immediate threat. But, I look out a window and see a tornado coming. And, I'm trying to get everyone to see it and get them to go to safety, even just under their tables. I'm trying to convince parents with babies that they need to get their babies to safety. I'm trying to get the people I know to help me spread the word and save everyone. But, people are ignoring me or telling me to shut up or laughing at me because they don't believe me. Telling me to sit down and shut up and quit acting stupid and, "What's wrong with you?!?!?" The members of my family are way meaner about it than the strangers. The worst hatefulness and most, "We're not going to listen to you," comes from them. They're apologizing to the strangers for me saying, "Ignore her. We're sorry she's being a bother. We don't know what's gotten into her," while hissing at me, "Stop being hysterical! You're embarrassing us!" And, I watch the tornado come, pass beside us, and move away. And, I'm glad it didn't hit the building because no one had listened to me, and they all would've died. But, then, I see out the window that the tornado is part of a chain within the storm. There's another one coming. Same struggle to get people to listen. Same disregard. Another near miss. Then, I look out the window, and there are 4 tornadoes bearing down on us. No way we're gonna be missed this time. Same struggle only more frantic. Same being dismissed, fussed at, yelled at. Sometimes, I can get 1 person to believe me and crawl under a table, but that person always comes out shaking head and deciding I was wrong and being mad at me. Finally, I'm trying to grab babies out of high chairs thinking, "I'll save them even if their parents won't," and people are screaming at me and hitting me. And, the roar of the tornado is getting louder, and windows start to burst, and I wake up.

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    1. Wow, Rigel, these are heavy-duty. I'm not a dream interpreter but they do seem to involve a loss of voice, of having no power, of not being really heard. There's nothing more frustrating than having so much to say and no one to say it to -- or feeling like they don't care about what you have to say. If that resonates, please know that we want to hear you!

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    2. I don't know what the "losing the teeth" dream means, but if it helps any, I've been in therapy for a LONG time and I haven't had this dream in a long time, either. I like making that correlation.

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  12. I have never really tried to remember my dreams but I can remember 2 from when I was a kid. They are both nightmares. Odd how we can remember these dreams from years ago but I can't remember what I was dreaming just last night! : )

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    1. But if you had a really vivid dream tonight, you may well remember it for years (like my amphibian dream).

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  13. Rigel, wonder if you have reflux and actually wake up choking from the bile in your stomach. Weird about losing all your teeth. Like they are holding you together and once they go so goes your life as you know it. Love to hear about everyone's dreams, not so much about the nightmares. I have a daytime nightmare every time I take the coast route which is where the planes take off over the ocean and I always think I am going to see a plane go down and be unable to help the people in the ocean in real time and wondering if debris will hit me. So weird it comes every time i take this route and I do often.

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    1. A waking dream. Now that sounds scary. Especially one as vivid as that. Safe drives, Madge!

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    2. No, Madge, I don't have reflux.

      I totally get what you mean by waking nightmare, Madge! My son's school is out in the county down by the river, and when I turn off the state highway onto the little county road, I drive over this weird little bridge path thingie that crosses over a big irrigation pond, and there aren't any guard rails. Especially on slippery, icy mornings, I always "see" a vehicle with a parent taking kids to school or pickup truck full of high schoolers speeding to school sliding off the road and flipping down into the water and imagine having to go into the cold water and fight to get the people out. I wish, wish, WISH they'd put up guard rails along those feet of that road!

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  14. This is a fantastic subject! I love reading about everyone's dreams. We can be our best friend, or our own worst enemy.

    For me, dreams are often side-effects of something else. When I first started taking a prescription sleeping pill, I was told it caused some VIVID dreams, and MAN! They sure did! It was so realistic I thought it WAS real. The common thing in them was I was always without a shirt or bra. Whether I was at work or walking down the street, no top was involved. I was able to tell myself that it was all a dream because I wouldn't truly be walking around naked, but it truly felt like it was happening. It was INTENSE.

    My theory about the toplessness is that I tend to lay everything on the table, that I give out maybe too much of myself, or that I fall into the TMI category. The feeling in the dream is, okay, though. I have no shirt, I'm a bit uncomfortable, but I can deal with it.

    There are other times when I dream and now, when they are so vivid, it coincides with times my blood sugar is too high. The dreams are usually very nice and involve friendships and deep respect. They create a sense of belonging, a sense that some things are possible. They prove the theory that "a dream is a wish your heart makes."

    If I have nightmares, I don't remember them, or there just haven't been any. Either way, I'm glad I can block those out, or let them not affect me.

    I can recall with clarity the feelings each of these dreams evoked. I don't think I'll journal them. I've become comfortable with them and accept them.

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    1. Wow, Dawn, I just love how you've expressed all this. Yes yes yes! So glad you've been able to make peace with all these things (so respect that). Especially the naked dream: yeah, this is me, it's kinda weird that I"m topless, but hey, I've got nothing to hide. Yeah, I'm all about HONESTY lately so I say: Bring it.

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  15. The last truly vivid dream that I remember was about 7 years ago. Here is my blog entry about it:

    "I dreamed that The Audio Guy from the Credit Union Centre told me to go to one of the concession stands (or at least that's what I think it was) because someone needed help with their homework/reading. I get there and look at the book, and how the words looked, it was shaped like a vee. I couldn't make any sense of the characters used in this book, but I got sucked in until I was on a family friend's farm, and there was Bill (played by the guy who played Scotty on Star Trek), and we were on the driveway, facing north (significant because my family's farm is north of this place). The guide explained that Bill was dying, and it didn't matter how many people held on to him - Bill needed to hold on if he was to stay alive. We flashed to this glowing web - glowing as in "Tron" laser-lines. I saw what seemed like people whose energy was transferred back to the web, and these dark, unglowing people leaping from the edge of the web. After that was done, the web re-wove itself back and where that person was, that spot was slightly stronger than the rest of the web. They guide explained that I saw Bill "die" and the energy transference. The guide told me that it was okay (and natural) for those closest to Bill to keep reaching out to where Bill was for a while, but there comes a time where you need to reconnect with those around you and rebuild the web. His energy is still within the web but transferred to those around him.

    Then, I dreamed that I was back at my first apartment Trevor and I had together. I was sitting on a chair on the sidewalk, looking very disheveled, and my sister L- was there, and I grabbed her arm, and looked into her eyes, and she seemed to understand."


    Obviously, after that dream, I am a firm believer that loved ones can communicate with you through dreams. It helped me let go of some of the pain, grief and "what ifs" that I was battling with after Dad passed.

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    1. Jo, this was so amazing. Just beautiful and true-feeling. The web -- wow. And energy transference. Doesn't that all feel so true?! So happy that helped you deal with your father's death. xo

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  16. Hi everyone, this has been fascinating! Dreams are the windows to our souls aren't they? I must share with you a recurrent dream that my Mom had all through her life. She has made her peace with it now and has not had it for some years so I will share it. When the dream occurs it is always during a celebration and she is having fun and laughing. Always laughing as my Mom was known for her laugh. Suddenly she sees a smirk and the glade of a knife. No body, no face, just the smirk and the flash of silver blade. And it is stalking her. For years and years this came to visit her in the night.
    I do confess that as I started to read some of the dreams I bailed. Because I would take them on. They would invade my dreams. And I cannot do that. So while I appreciate the sharing, I had to step back from this one just a bit. I know you will understand...and forgive.

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    1. "Dreams are the windows to our souls aren't they?"

      Uh oh, Deb. Then that means I've got one seriously fucked up soul. :P ;)

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  17. we all dream our way through the mystery, don't we? I am working on a book of dream poems--each one is constructed around a real life dream that I had. I've always had very intense dreams--(Barbara--I share your recurring dream, of being in a house like my house but discovering new rooms I never knew the house had.....traveling to Europe or places I've never been. I used to repeatedly dream about making my way from one part of a beach to another, around a particular type of landscape. One day I was visiting a friend's new home in central California and saw my dreamscape in real life. Once I'd walked it--awake--I never had the dream again. Anyway, I could say SO much about the symbolism of dreams, but instead will let one of my dream poems speak for me, since you asked for "us" to share what we dream about: here it is--

    Prelude to a dream:
    Lens retracted, aerial view of snow gridded squares, boundaries etched in ink, black & white topography seen from glass iris of the camera. Land cut like fruit reveals a starry eye:
    Dream 4:
    is crowded. Friends from long ago roam the rooms of my past, bearing gifts and conversation. Someone gives me a straw hat stiched with knowledge, it hovers at the lip of the driveway. There is some kind of gathering. People spill inside: an old therapist, a friend from Herondale, a woman who Dream tells me is my spirit sister. Clinking of glasses, movement, open doorways. Details from my childhood float overhead like filmy ghosts: blue shag rug, crystal candlesticks. The air is palpable. Somewhere upstairs, we have packed up my son’s room. Nothing is left but the books in the shelves, and I turn to ask him what he wants to do with them and am sucked into a mysterious errand. Steep hill to climb to get there, but Starbucks is a beacon up top, inviting, its glass walls fogged golden with light and warmth, and I seem to know the way. It is snowing. Slushy streets below. No car can take this climb, so I run up the tilted face of the mountain. Arrive in time to kiss my father and three friends, who are arranged around him in triangular formation. Triangle: sacred symbol of the all-seeing eye, of alchemy, angels and anarchy. There’s a buzz here too, another gathering, but Dream tells me I need to get back to my kids who wait for me to take them to school. As if I’d been there before, I sense the hill isn’t the way back down. Zig-zag through side streets that unfold like a pop-up book into a toy-like town. Stores fling open glass doors displaying candly-like distractions: aromatic packages of coffee, bright sheer scarves that float on shelves like gossamer. Mid-dream, the phone rings in the dark room, urgently, dream flickers, recedes.
    Dream Redux: light scatters and blurs. I am lying on a wood floor, dreaming a question about my son. Bear appears immediately upon inquiry, nodding his shaggy head yes, yes he’s sure, yes I am welcome. Somewhere in Dream I know it’s winter and Bear should be hibernating, but I have summoned him and he has come. Spirit guide of my son, he is Andarta and Artio, fierce defender of art, blender of intuition with instinct. Symbol of truth. autonomy. We have raised my son fiercely. Encouraged him to find his own way, then flinched when he faltered. “You cannot know what is true unless you know what isn’t true.” Bear tells me this with a human voice just before I wake to see the snow flowering everything to white

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    1. Oh, Lori. Am smitten with this. The most beautiful of all dream journaling. Dream as poetry, but also the immediacy of the experience of the dream is so vivid. Just absolutely love this! Thank you.

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  18. I can't always figure out my sleeping dreams, but I do write them down if I have a strong emotional reaction, and by doing so I have learned that if I dream someone I know has died, they tend to end up spending a couple days in a hospital within the year.
    Also, I don't have dreams that satisfy wishful thinking, alas. They have instead showed me how things really are, whether I like it or not, whether it seems to be true in waking life or not. Quite enlightening sometimes.
    Then there are those dreams that I can't make sense of at all but they still make a wallop and I wake up panting, upset, relieved that they were only dreams. Some of those, I remember thinking "Thank goodness I only had to experience this in a dream. Others are facing it in their waking life."
    The beauty of writing them down is that even though they don't make any sense at the time, when I look back at them quite a bit later their meaning can be really obvious.

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    1. That makes sense, Kate -- how looking at the journal entry when you've had some distance from it brings it closer into focus, not further. I have found that too with my own writing (about dreams).

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  19. Oh Deb it's horrible that your dreamworld isn't the best place right now, I hope it does improve soon. I did read one of your earlier blogs where you mentioned the responsibility you felt in helping your parents, especially in deciding what kind of care they should have. A friend said something to me once that has always stuck with me, and maybe it will comfort to you too. Or maybe to you it's old news, but I'll share anyway :)

    We were having one of those lovely rnostalgic chats, reminiscing about shared childhood memories. I spent a lot of the conversation saying, "No way, I did that??!! I'm SO SORRY." My friend turned to me and said, quite simply, "You did the best you could at the time with the knowledge you had." And boy was she right.
    I am sure too, Deb, that your parents greatly appreciate what a great daughter you seem to be, how carefully you have considered these decisions, and what concern you still show even though officially the choices have been made.

    Like I said before, I'm not sure that this will be of any use to you, but I was inspired to share on the off chance that it might help :)

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    1. Aimee, I think that's really lovely. That your friend could have the generosity of spirit to see your younger self as just that is extraordinary. Thank you so much for sharing that thought here -- where it surely will help!

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  20. Ok, I am in. I had a weird dream last night that I think reflects the stress of my new job. I will start writing down what I can remember.

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    1. Interesting. Hope the writing helps it make some kind of sense!

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  21. I think the most annoying dream is the one that's not really a dream, it's that sensation of falling that jolts me awake. I gasp and then realize I'm okay and then try to fall back asleep.

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    1. In that vein (but not), how about flying?! It's so amazing -- but then it ends and I wake up and it sucks that I can't, in fact, fly.

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    2. You know, I have never had a flying dream. Never had a "Peter Pan" one before. The falling sensation freaks me out. I can never get back to sleep and if I had a dream before the falling thing, I can't remember it. Ugh. Maybe tonight I'll fly...

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  22. It's interesting that we as children are born dreamers, even day dreamers. Everything is new, exciting and vivid. I think as children we remember our dreams whether good or bad and are eager to share. Either to be comforted or validated. There are also the dreams we have as children fueled by our belief in fairy tales and happily ever after.
    But we grow up and become cynical and when some or all of our dreams aren't realized we stop dreaming and resign ourselves to "this is as good as it's ever going to get" We stop sharing our dreams and I think in a sense never reveal the real us because on the outside we are always okay. It's when we are asleep and the inhibitions are gone that the real fears and insecurities come out if we allow ourselves to remember. The truth is we never stop dreaming because it's what gives us hope.
    I had two vivid dreams after my husband died that I can't explain. To be honest the first one scared the you know what out of me and still can't explain either one. It's too bad we don't feel safe enough to talk about what really goes on in our heads and hearts. I think dreams are fascinating but I myself rarely dream these day whether awake or asleep That's why places like this are a blessing to so many so I thank you Barb and Deb for that. Dream on friends it's free and something no one can take away from us.

    Have a wonderful day today and if you see someone without a smile, give them yours! Mary M. Stone

    PS: Hey Deb I forgot to mention I'm a fellow Scot!

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    1. Mary, interesting thoughts. And I do think that talking about these things makes them lighter -- especially when you begin to read how many dreams are shared by others. But do keep dreaming! (or at least during the day when you can be aware of it). You have a wonderful day too, and thanks for sharing your smile, which I will now share with others :)

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  23. It actually worked getting my granddaughter's picture up yay!

    I'll tell you all one dream I had after my husband died and you can all tell me what you think it meant. I have my own ideas now looking back and it only happened once about a year after he died but I'm almost sure it was a message of some kind from Sam.

    Okay I was driving in my car at night on the interstate and I happened to look over at the passenger seat and there was Sam. I mean he was so real I could have reached out and touched him that's how vivid the dream was. The odd thing was he wasn't smiling or anything he was very serious which was not typical of Sam. He was a fun guy even silly sometimes so it was out of character for him to be so serious. Anyway I kept looking at him waiting and then he said "When you see me, it's time to go." I instantly woke up and my heart was pounding in my chest and I still get chills when I think about it.

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    1. And can I just say how ADORABLE your grandbaby is?!! Oh my.

      Anyway, over to dreams. Wow, don't know how to interpret that one, but I will say this: you're in a car so you are in fact "go"ing, right? I think it's a manifestation of your sense of loss (hence the serious Sam), but that you have to keep going. So very interesting, this one!

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  24. Yes, I know I'm very late on replying to this. But this is a subject that has been very close to me for... well, forever, really.
    I've had a recurring nightmare every night since I was about three. It's always exactly the same and it seems like it only gets more terrifying as I get older and see new sides to the same situation.
    I'm alone in pitch-black darkness. It's emptiness. A void. Utter nothingness. I'm running around, trying to escape the never-ending blackness and there's cruel, sadistic, mocking laughter echoing around me no matter how far I run and it's SO LOUD and no matter what I do, no matter how loud I scream, no matter how hard I cry, no matter how long I fight it, it JUST WON'T STOP!
    Oh god, I'm crying a bit just thinking about it. It never ends, ever.
    It doesn't seem that scary written out here in black and white, but let me assure you, it's damn terrifying.
    I have been told that I sleep like the dead. That's no coincidence. I wake up every morning convinced that I am dead. It takes a few minutes of staring at the reassuringly mundane ceiling and wiping the frantic tears off my face for me to realize that I did it, I made it through the night, I'm alive. I never make a sound when I am sleeping and I never move a muscle. Inside, however... that's an entirely different story.
    People often ask me why I get so little sleep. Honestly, it's not like I can help it. At least, not consciously. I find myself staring at the ceiling at three in the morning, willing myself to fall asleep... but at the same time, hoping to put it off a bit longer because the less I sleep, the less time I have to spend inside that ghastly horror they call my imagination.
    No need to analyze this dream. It's fairly obvious, isn't it? They do say you're your own worst critic.
    Unfortunately, my brain seems to have taken that literally.
    So whenever someone tells me "sweet dreams", I give them the required smile and think to myself that at least if I've the nightmare of the ages, it means they don't. And maybe someday, that'll actually make me feel better.

    May your life be interesting,
    Sarah

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  25. Oh my god, Sarah, every night???! That is horrible. It must be so frightening to face sleep every night, even as you desperately need it. Of course you're gonna have insomnia! What if you try not thinking of the dream but look at a beautiful photo (like Steph suggests here) before you go to sleep and tell yourself how great you are and think of something nice that happened (or that you're grateful for). Think of positive positive stuff, not about your fear of sleep. Now I'm sure if you've had this dream every night since 3, it might take some practice, but I wonder if you slowly condition yourself toward a positive sleep experience if you might not be able to move away from this nightmare. It sounds like it's a self-perpetuating cycle now. Oh wow, good luck! May your life be less interesting than that. xoxo

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  26. Sarah that is horrible have you ever talked to a counselor about it? Sometimes they can help sort things out for you. You may be having anxiety about something without even realizing it. I hope you can find some peace that must be so hard for you.

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    1. Thanks, you two. I have indeed tried all those methods, with the exception of the counselor. I don't know why I don't want to, really. It's just ... such a personal thing, if that makes any sense. There's something so vulnerable about admitting what is literally your worst nightmare. I know, I know, they can help me, it couldn't possibly be any worse than I'm already dealing with. But this is the first time I've ever told ANYONE about this nightmare. Ever. I don't know you people and I never will, so maybe that has something to do with it. I'm an intensely private person, but I'm willing to unlock myself if I know that the audience is loving like it is here and if I know that they don't have any preconceived notions of me.
      Have you ever noticed how much easier it is sometimes to just let things flow from your brain to your keyboard than it is to simply talk face to face? If I ever unknowingly saw one of you, I'd be utterly silent, but here I am, telling you about my nightmare.
      Life works in strange ways.

      May your life be interesting,
      Sarah

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    2. Sarah, I am so sorry that you have to go through this. Does the nightmare actually end or do you wake up and that's the end? I only ask because sometimes when I have a nightmare and I wake up almost crying/screaming, I usually wake up in the middle. It seems that sometimes, if a dream is not completed, it comes back until it is completed. I don't know, just thinking out loud(ish). Looking at a photo does help me sometimes. Sometimes listening to some music with positive lyrics also works. Maybe meeting with a counselor would help. Vocalizing your fears can be very helpful. I think sometimes we hold fears in so that they go away, like if we don't talk about it then it doesn't exist.
      I agree with you about being able to "talk". It is easy to say these personal things to one another here. I love it.
      All the best,
      Steph

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    3. It ends when it sees fit to end. Half the time I wake up exactly thirty-seven seconds before my alarm goes off. Weird, no?
      It's the same thing for the whole dream, really. There isn't a climax or anything. It's just that the gradual buildup of pressure drives my dream-self round the bend.
      And there is one thing that sometimes works, actually. If my muse cooperates. I love to write - I'm halfway through my fifth novel at the moment. Weirdly enough, the novel in question features this nightmare.
      Thanks for the suggestions! Maybe I'll try the music thing. I'm an opera/classical fan, though, so I can't exactly blame my music for my nightmares!

      May your life be interesting,
      Sarah

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    4. I know you're wary, Sarah -- and the truth is, a good one might be hard to find (or rather the right one) -- but I've been to therapy and can honestly say it changed my life for the better. It's funny, therapists don't really become like "real people", they're amazing at saying the right series of things in order to get you to look at your particular situation with some clarity, but it's not like being at a cocktail party and you're suddenly facing a nosy gossip. It's truly a safe environment (or should be -- if not, get out), where one newly discovered truth unravels another unravels another and so on. Do you want to see everything? Maybe no, but that's really the best and surest way to eventual peace I think. Personal honesty, and the rest just falls into place, enriching every other relationship and your relationship to the world in general. You're an extraordinary person and I truly admire how you've come here and been so honest and generous. Maybe it's a first step on an even bigger journey??? xoxo

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  27. It's true Sarah, I have been seeing various therapists most of my life for various reasons. From my refusal to talk as a six year old to losing my husband and it's true you might have to shop around to find one that fits for you but they are like anything else. Some are good at what they do and some aren't but the ones that let you tell your story and then help you put into perspective what you are feeling and why are the ones that know what they are doing. I wish we could all have a Dr. Phil at our beckon call sometimes.

    I know it's a scary prospect but don't take it off the table as a solution because I know you seek what we all seek in our lifetimes and that is peace so I pray you find it.

    <3 Mary

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